Stuck in awful marriage

Parent Cafe
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<p>…I am completely miserable in my marriage, and have been for a long time. It’s a very long marriage, decades. There have always been problems, but there used to be good things, too. At this point, being with my husband is destroying my spirit. But I can’t see a way out. </p>

<p>Until now, I felt I could not even consider divorce. We have children, and I could not bear to not have them with me every day. I also worried about not having primary custody. I know that my husband would be completely vicious if we separated. I was shocked years ago to see the way he advised his brother when he was separating. My problem is that in order to manage as a single parent, I would have to move to another state a few hundred miles away. The main reason is that there I would have a secure job. Where we are now, my job is quite precarious. And the cost of living is extremely high here, lower there. And I have family there. We moved a number of years ago for my husband’s job. I know that it is very difficult or impossible to remove children from the state. I should point out that I deserve custody. My husband doesn’t even know the names of any of our children’s doctors or teachers. He is completely uninvolved, but if I left him, he would fight like a tiger to “win” the kids, because that is the way he would see it. I made the choice to stay rather than risk losing daily life with the children. </p>

<p>He is a workaholic. He has a long commute, and he leaves very early and comes home late. Until several years ago, he went in to work 7 days a week. He no longer does that because he has a health condition that makes it impossible to keep up that schedule. It’s a miracle that he keeps the five-day-a-week, 12-hour-a day schedule that he has now. On weekends, he spends the entire time in his home office working. He eats dinner with us on weekends, but almost never spends any more time with us. I’m lucky if I can get him to watch a movie, play a board game or cards, a few times a year. He has a health condition that means that he lives with chronic pain, for which he takes medication. (I have also felt reluctant to leave since he lost his health. It seems wrong.) He can’t do anything physical, so even going for a walk is not possible. He does not go on vacation with us. He never has, but now he makes the excuse that he can’t travel. He does travel a few times a year for work. The only place the kids and I go on vacation is to visit my family. He would be furious if we went anywhere else. He expects us to go without all the things he can’t do. </p>

<p>He is hypercritical and mean. He interrupts me all the time. He crashes around the house very early in the morning, to prevent me from sleeping any later than he does. He has adamantly refused to try marriage counseling, which I have suggested many times over the years. He is angry all the time. Most of the time it is suppressed, but still obvious, but sometimes he goes into tirades. I know that some of this is a result of the pain, and maybe the medication. His worst qualities have always been there, but they come out more now and his good qualities have disappeared. I have spent a lot of time over the years researching doctors and therapies that might help his condition, but he always ignores any suggestions I make. He won’t even take supplements that could help him. I buy them and put them into pill cases for him, but he doesn’t take them. </p>

<p>The kids are older now, and custody as an issue is going away. But I am still reluctant to subject my children to the pain, disruption, and lessened security that a divorce would bring. Financially, we are in reasonably good shape as an intact family. Splitting everything, and paying for the divorce, relocation, etc., would put both of us in a much less secure position, and have a large impact on what we could do for our children, educationally and otherwise. </p>

<p>Another factor is that I feel beaten down by years of being treated badly by this man. I am also feeling old (he is significantly older), and I don’t have much energy these days. He was gone for almost a week recently, and it was heaven just to live without the black cloud. </p>

<p>I am in a terrible position and can’t see my way out. I would be grateful for your thoughts and suggestions. I won’t be able to come back to CC very much this week, but I will check in when I can.</p>

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<p>If you aren’t seeing a counselor, I suggest you look for one ASAP. They can help you get perspective and clarify your thoughts as well as give you a place to vent and a way to take care of yourself.</p>

<p>Personally, I have had the best luck with those who have a MSW ( masters in social work)- they have a more pragmatic approach than those who may be more medication based or those who want to go back to your childhood.</p>

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<p>Thank you. That’s a good suggestion. I will try to find someone (and find time to go).</p>

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<p>How old are your children? Not really sure a divorce would be worse than what all of you are currently living under if what you described is the reality. But I agree with emeraldkty4 that a counselor is definitely in order for you and maybe your children.</p>

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<p>One “child” is my stepchild, grown and married. The other children are HS age and MS age. The older one has a very bad relationship with DH, feels that s/he doesn’t have a father. DH is very hard on this one. The younger one is a very cute, sunny kid. DH dotes on this one, and s/he loves DH, although s/he is certainly upset that DH “targets” the older one (child’s words). I think that they are all better off with the family intact, even though the ones at home have to be aware that all is not well. Most of the time peace is maintained, as far as they can tell. I worry that they are not seeing a good model of a marriage. But they are great kids, kind and compassionate.</p>

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<p>Sounds like a very troubling situation for all concerned, SadMomof3. Have you ever discussed the “home situation” with the younger children? Surely they must see/feel how unhappy this situation is, and be aware of the tension that must exist between you and spouse. Many times parents stay together “for the sake of the children,” only to find out years later that the kids were terribly unhappy and were afraid to verbalize it. At the very least, some counseling for yourself, and probably the kids is in order so you all can find a way to make the best of this situation. Hopefully a counselor can guide you down a path that will make life better for everyone.</p>

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<p>There’s something about the holidays and the pending new year that really makes one reassess things – what we like/can’t stand about our situation. </p>

<p>I am so sorry for you. Verbal abuse is so corrosive to your mind and spirit. All the reasons you’re staying are financial; all the reasons you want to leave are emotional. It sounds like your H is emotionally manipulative and abusive. He may even have elements of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These people don’t get better as they age. And they become vicious if “abandoned” (divorced). You not only need a therapist but you need a divorce attorney who is experienced in handling these types of men. </p>

<p>No matter what – there is a way out. There are choices here. You can choose to stick around (which is what you’ve been doing) but if you make that choice, I want you to do anything and everything to bolster your self-esteem and protect yourself from the acid rain of negative comments he slings your way. If you choose to leave, see a good divorce attorney first. </p>

<p>My heart goes out to you. I can feel your pain through your words. Thank you for having the courage to post and please check in and let us know how you’re doing.</p>

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<p>I know you’re concerned about your children, and of course rightly so. But consider this - what lessons are you teaching them if you stay? You’re teaching them that it’s OK to allow yourself and at least one of them to be treated like dirt. You’re teaching them that material things are more important than self-esteem. You’re teaching them that it’s OK to be a bully or to allow yourself to be bullied. You’re teaching them that abuse is normal and reasonable. You’re teaching them that their mom isn’t worth much.</p>

<p>Are these really the lessons you want them to learn? </p>

<p>What advice would you give your older one if she were in your relationship? Would you be surprised if he started treating his spouse/significant other the way your husband is treating you?</p>

<p>Wouldn’t you rather teach them that every person has value, that you can’t kick other people around with impunity? That love means not hurting your partner or children? That strength, including standing up for yourself, is a good thing? That your mental health is more important than the house?</p>

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<p>*Sounds like a very troubling situation for all concerned, SadMomof3. Have you ever discussed the “home situation” with the younger children? Surely they must see/feel how unhappy this situation is, and be aware of the tension that must exist between you and spouse. Many times parents stay together “for the sake of the children,” only to find out years later that the kids were terribly unhappy and were afraid to verbalize it. At the very least, some counseling for yourself, and probably the kids is in order so you all can find a way to make the best of this situation. Hopefully a counselor can guide you down a path that will make life better for everyone. *</p>

<p>I completely agree with this advice. I’d also make sure that you keep a close eye on the bank accounts. If your husband thinks that you may be leaving him, he may start raiding the accounts. I would also go see the best divorce attorney in town. He or she can give you an idea of what to expect if you go that route.</p>

<p>I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s rough.</p>

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<p>This is tough to sort out in a forum but I know you did it for some different perspectives.
I’m really sorry for what you are going through.
I’m going to throw this out there because it happened to a friend of mine with a long time marriage. Only you will know if this sounds familiar to you.
A very shortened story…
My friend’s husband was in chronic pain with which he refused (too macho and military minded–I can tough it out attitude) to treat properly. It eventually (long term really over several years) led to a nasty attitude on his part which almost dissolved the marriage. He was really in a state of depression caused by a depletion of brain chemicals caused by the untreated chronic pain. As a last resort to save the marriage he (they) finally saw a therapist who started him on anti-depressants and appropriate pain management. Happy ending ( I’m sure still ongoing but I do know she was thrilled to get her old husband back after several years).
The only reason my friend hung in with the marriage was that they had children and she knew he had changed over the years but couldn’t figure out why exactly.
Even if the pain is managed correctly please consider that brain chemicals are being depleted that cause depression leading to personality changes. It can be corrected.</p>

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<p>Honestly, you’re not doing your children any favors by staying together for “their” sake. If you’re this miserable then not only are they picking up on your misery, but they’re probably not happy either. You’re teaching them that your husband’s happiness and comfort is more important than your own. </p>

<p>I know this is an extreme example, but I work at a domestic violence shelter. Many of the women say that they stay because that’s just what you’re supposed to do. Their mothers never left bad relationships, so they didn’t think that they could leave bad relationships. How you react to your relationship will have a lasting impact on your children- you need to empower yourself and leave him to go find happiness. You’ve tried to make it work, but if he’s not willing then there’s nothing you can do. He’s not likely to change. </p>

<p>Call a divorce attorney and call a local domestic violence organization. What he’s doing is verbal and psychological abuse and there’s a lot of help out there- and a lot of people who WANT to help and are trained to help. I work on the crisis line and I have resources for you if you’d like to PM me. </p>

<p><em>hugs</em></p>

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<p>If this is true, then I think you should stay in the marriage and cope, until the children are out of the house. If your husband works as much as you say, then you should have significant respite. I know you are personally miserable, but if it were me, I would continue to suffer as long as my children were okay. There is a good chance that your kids will suffer in significant ways if you split up the marriage. See a counselor for yourself, and do things for yourself without him that make you happy.</p>

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Or they’re putting on the same kind of “isn’t everything wonderful?” mask as you are. Have you asked them?</p>

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<p>What romanigypsyeyes is saying is that the OP’s children really might be a whole lot worse off in the long run by their mom staying in this bad marriage. Children know when things are bad and they may not speak up because they are afraid of making the situation worse for their mother. It will be too easy for the whole cycle to repeat itself with the OP’s own children…whether they are the daughter who gets into the same type of marriage with the same type of controlling husband or the son who marries and believes it is okay to treat a wife the way his own father treated his mother.</p>

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<p>My father treated my mother like a servant. It did not make me think it was okay for a husband to treat his wife that way. Children are a lot smarter than many people give them credit for.</p>

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<p>you really have my sympathy. This is a very difficult situation; as a matter of fact, my S I L is going through almost the exact same thing.</p>

<p>Two main points come to mind; </p>

<p>1) see a therapist to help you sort out your own feelings, and to help you see the situation clearly; (maybe a therapist for the kids, too)</p>

<p>2) see a divorce attorney and find out the facts about what divorce would mean in terms of custody, finances, etc. See what steps might be necessary should you decide to end the marriage; get hard, cold facts, and steps you can take. </p>

<p>You deserve better than this. No one deserves to be beaten down psychologically; and I am sure the kids are living under the black cloud you describe, no matter how you well it seems they are “dealing” with it. I know my nieces and nephews were; some are really damaged psychologically, some dealt with it better. My SIL wishes she had left sooner; but didn’t, for all the reasons you mentioned.</p>

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<p>Bay- yes, many children are. But when you grow up seeing that it is hard to break. They call it the cycle of abuse for a reason.</p>

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<p>Yes, I am aware of the “cycle of abuse” proposition. I think OP’s kids may already be too old for a divorce to avoid that prospect, if it were to impact them, and may suffer more/worse as a result of the divorce.</p>

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<p>I disagree whole heartedly. Seeing mom empower herself, no matter what the age of the children, to get out of that situation would be a major boost to the kids IMO. Besides, they probably want mom to get away if at least one of them is angry at dad already and feels abandoned.</p>

<p>Kids are also good at putting up a front. They often think that if they’re good, then dad will be nicer to mom.</p>

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<p>The suggestion of a counselor is a good one. Sometimes there are support groups for people who have spouses with serious and chronic health conditions and some people find those groups to be a lifesaver. If there is one in your area, I would urge you to go. Pain can alter people as can medication and depression. </p>

<p>I would agree that he is verbally abusive and I know people often think that divorce is preferable to staying in a situation that feels untenable, but you raise good points as to why you think you should stay. A bitter custody battle could be more overtly harmful to the kids than what is happening now and it sounds like being apart from them would be a real possibility. It might be more toxic for them to be with him alone than to be with him with you there. Also, you feel strongly that you don’t want to be apart from them. </p>

<p>A therapist can help you find some different ways of responding should you choose to stay. For example, I’m curious about the fact that you don’t vacation anywhere but seeing your family because he would be furious if you did and because he doesn’t want other people to do what he can’t do. It is possible (just possible) that you are giving him more control than you need to. What if you planned a short trip without him? What if you went to your folks and then, from there, took another trip for a few days and called him with an FYI? Sure, he would be furious, but maybe he would also be surprised to see you set a limit and stand up for yourself. Don’t try this without talking it through with a therapist though, because none of us know your situation well enough and I meant it more as an example than as a suggestion. Sometimes, people start to give away more power than they need to when they feel trapped. A therapist can help you find ways to take care of yourself, save ways to set limits and sometimes when one person gets stronger, the other person reacts positively. There are lots of ways that you might be able to set some limits once someone has talked through it with you. </p>

<p>As far as the lessons that the kids learn, if you become stronger and set limits, they will see that. But I would point out that the lessons learned if OP stays may have more to do with putting one’s children’s well being first before one’s own needs. They may have to do with the “in sickness and in health” part of marriage vows if his pain/health/depression/medication are a factor, they may have to do with how one copes with situations in life that are difficult. They may have to do with how one gets help when its needed and how one tries to do things differently first before leaving. I believe OP can become stronger in this situation and make some changes and, if nothing else, start taking steps now so that she can safely and successfully leave at the right time.</p>