<p>well said, mimk6 – that’s what I fear for OP too – H will become enraged and vicious and make kids lives miserable. I have friends who have divorced men like this – they are furious that their wife, their possession, won’t put up with the abuse, and they lash out any way they can. So what if the court said he has to pay child support? Try and get it. So what if the court knows he took $300K of your funds? Try and get it. I am not trying to scare the OP but there are very real reasons divorce may not be the solution it seems. Not with her husband.</p>
<p>romanigypsyeyes:
</p>
<p>I agree there are situations where this scenario might unfold, but IMO OP’s situation is not one of them. Especially if finances suffer and suddenly kids can’t go to the college they wanted or can’t go to college at all. And there is H in the background, pouring salt in the wound – look at what your mother did! Doing everything possible to poison the happiness she sought and deserves.</p>
<p>I wish I could be more optimistic but I think OP has voiced genuine valid concerns about leaving the marriage – that’s why she feels so trapped. I agree with the poster who basically said what another woman told me – stay until he doesn’t have anything on you anymore. Until he can’t hurt you through your kids.</p>
<p>I think you should stay. If your husband is that mean, your leaving would leave your children at his mercy when you aren’t there to keep an eye on the situation. If your kids were younger, I might say something different, but at this age, I would stay and monitor whatever is going on with my kids to keep them safe and make sure they are properly cared for. It’s only a few more years and I wonder if you could live with yourself if you made things worse for all of you. Empower yourself when your kids are legally allowed to cut off contact with the father. Until then, take care of them.</p>
<p>I kind of agree, zoosermom, except that it’s rather a long wait. The OP may not be able to file for divorce when the last kid leaves for college (and is 18) because her husband might then cut off all contribution to the kids’ college expenses. Can she afford that?</p>
<p>I’m middle aged. My parents divorced when I was in middle school. </p>
<p>There has never been a time when I thought that it was better for us, the kids, that they got divorced. It sucked as a kid, and it has sucked every day that I had to deal with it for the last 35 years. My siblings and I have coped in our own ways, but it definitely left horrible lifelong scars. It’s really easy as a parent to rationalize this, but I will tell you from the victims point of view that it can be really bad, and it doesn’t get better. To this day I still have to deal with crap from my father’s remarriage that I shouldn’t have to deal with. Mom is now dead and Dad is now old, broke and of failing health with Parkinson’s. He needs constant attention which he gets from his wife but she is getting older and frailer too. A lot of bad failings remain between Dad and one of my siblings. Similar stuff from stepmother and her kids. A therapist called it spaghetti. Now we’re all preparing for the big money battles over who pays for his care. His kids or his wife, who is NOT broke but has money from an inheritance. They’ve done everything they can to make sure her kids inherit her assets. We do not intend to be left with the bill. </p>
<p>Maybe as a result of all of the strife, my siblings and I are all in very happy marriages ourselves. Nonetheless, we are all pretty damaged. I could never do that do my kids. </p>
<p>My opinion is that if you make kids, you’d better get it right. You have a responsibility to put them before yourself. No ifs ands or buts. They have a responsibility to pass it along to their offspring. </p>
<p>I’m sorry for your pain, but I suggest that you read the Art of War, and go on the counter attack when he gets testy and disrespectful. Tell him that you won’t do squat for him if he treats you badly. He will soon do the subconscious calculation that it’s not worth ****ing you off (angering you). Things will get better. </p>
<p>Forget the counselor and forget the divorce.</p>
<p>Marian, maybe she should law the groundwork now for an affordable college for that child. Let’s face it, if the parents divorce, there’s not much chance Dad will pay anyway. I’m just reading OP’s reluctance to be away from her kids (which I absolutely share) and I can’t imagine that she could live with being away from them half the time, not knowing what was going on, not knowing if they were being cared for properly, treated with love. It seems to me that that would be a special kind of hell.</p>
<p>My advice: don’t bother with divorce. Leave; move to the next state with the kids, get the job you want and will enjoy, find a place you can afford, and call your husband and ask him whether he’s going to join you or not. If he wants to join you, have him do it on your terms. If he wants a divorce, he does it on your terms. If, after you’ve been on your own for a few years, you want a divorce, work on it then. You don’t have to be nice.</p>
<p>Obviously there are differing opinions as to what you should do.<br>
Has he always been this way? Is there any hope for change? Medical problems?
Divorce has severe repercussions when it comes to kids. No matter how old they are.
Not to mean you should deprive yourself of a fulfilling life.
Is there anything you can do personally to make it better for you in your present situation? Support groups etc.?<br>
I would suggest developing a support group no matter what you decide in the end.Your support needs to be real, physical friends not an on-line forum (although a decent start!)
I will say however that an anonymous forum makes a better venting outlet than close friends at times. Don’t use your kids to vent no matter how close you are to them.
Is this a roller coaster ride for you emotion-wise? (Gotta get out of here vs. okay, not so bad, I can handle it?). Try to analyze when you are feeling that way (if you are.)</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear of your predicament. It sounds like you are carrying a lot of burdens and pain.</p>
<p>Finding a counselor would be absolutely critical, so you can have a safe place to share your feelings with someone that isn’t invested in the situation. Do you have a faith where you could talk to someone at your church/synagogue, etc? </p>
<p>I hope you take this the right way, but I would encourage you to work on yourself, not on him. The only person you can change is yourself. Take the time to figure out why he pushes your buttons, what do you feel when something happens. What does that evoke?</p>
<p>The reality for me, is that many of the normal issues I have with my husband are because of my insecurities, wounds, etc. When I have worked through the issues, I discover that I can hold up to criticism of any kind. When you feel strong, people can hurt you a lot less.</p>
<p>It’s a lot of work to do this, but the payoff is huge. It will help you whether you leave or stay.</p>
<p>Are you my sister-in-law? She was exactly in the same spot. Was unhappy and emotionally abused by my brother (I’m ashamed to say) but stuck it out for financial reasons and “for the sake of the children”. Like your H, my brother lavished love on one child and was tough (I’d say emotionally abusive) on the other. Still my sister-in-law stayed. </p>
<p>Finally, when the emotional abuse on the one child got too bad for that kid (he acted out in some frightening ways) my sister-in-law finally had the gumption to tell my brother to leave. He started to sing a new song . . . but it was far too late.</p>
<p>My sister-in-law has spent the past number of years trying to put her life and her children’s lives (the kids are now in their 20s) back together. It has NOT been easy. Her major regret is that she stayed too long . . . both of her kids are damaged from what they experienced all those years (kids aren’t dumb . . . they may not say anything but the see everything). It’s heartbreaking to see. </p>
<p>My brother? You guessed it. Re-married very quickly and is now abusing a whole new family.</p>
<p>No one here can tell you to leave but in your shoes, that’s what I would do. I agree with others, therapy will help you sort through things.</p>
<p>Seek therapy for yourself. I would not seperate or divorce until you have done everything possible to deal with the situation. Divorce is so hard on kids.</p>
<p>You have taken the first step. You have many opinions and suggestions here. Use them as incentive to take another step, then another. Your second step should be to see professionals on your own, you already tried to get your H to go and it didn’t work. Once you have seen the professional s/he will help you with the steps after that. Each step of your life’s journey can change the direction you go- make this a pivotal one. You have too many years before your children are grown to wait. I can see several possibilities branching out from advice given to you in your counseling. None of them will make your and your children’s lives worse. Make the appointment this week.</p>
<p>*Personally, I have had the best luck with those who have a MSW ( masters in social work)- they have a more pragmatic approach than those who may be more medication based or those who want to go back to your childhood. *</p>
<p>I second that.</p>
<p>My sister is a therapist…a LCSW (which is beyond the MSW) and they are psychodynamically trained. </p>
<p>{{{ hugs }}}</p>
<p>I’m no expert, but if I had to guess, I’d guess that your H is clinically depressed.</p>
<p>My parents had a terrible marriage (no violence or other abuse, but no love, and periodic arguments followed by weeks and sometimes months of silence), and I prayed every day that they would divorce. I’m sure my mother had some ridiculous idea about keeping it together for my sake. I believe my story is shared by a boatload of kids who suffered through crappy marriages. OP’s kids deserve a loving, warm, genuine environment and, most important, a mother who isn’t emotionally and spiritually wounded. OP needs to get her financial ducks in a row and end the marriage. Unless she is an addict or has a history of neglectful or abusive parenting, no court will grant custody to a man who works 12-hour days and has serious health issues, so that’s a non-issue.</p>
<p>*Let’s face it, if the parents divorce, there’s not much chance Dad will pay anyway. </p>
<p>=============
Dad can be compelled by the court to pay if they’re divorced. But if they’re still married or in the process of divorce, probably not. *</p>
<p>The problem is this. The dad doesn’t earn enough to support two households. He’s not going to allow her to move the kids OOS where she can work (and get away from him). </p>
<p>Divorce could take every or nearly every cent these people have. I’ve seen it happen. H’s sister has been going thru a divorce for 2 years now…her H is causing delays, demands, etc…they’ll have little once it’s over. The lawyer fees are racking up. </p>
<p>These types of spouses can be WORSE after the divorce. They can quit their jobs so there’s no/little support for them to have to pay. they can be vicious…use the kids to get back at you…sabotage you…expose your personal secrets to the world…all kinds of cruel things.</p>
<p>I think she should go to a therapist…preferably a LCSW.</p>
<p>OP, please do not do this without legal advice. In many states it is a crime to take children across a state line against the other parent’s will. I knew a case where the woman fled for her life from a violent man and took her young child with her and went to another state. He tracked her down and she ended up in jail, lost custody and had to live with the knowledge that her child was with this abuser. You just can’t take someone’s kids away from them without their consent without potentially serious repercussions.</p>
He will unquestionably get some time with the kids and it could be in a chunk if the mom moves far away. Heck, there are judges who won’t let the kids leave the state if one parent objects as a matter of course.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s child snatching if there’s been no court order or no proceedings going on. I could be wrong, but a married parent (with no divorce/sep proceedings going on) can move their children.</p>
<p>the problems occur when a divorce or separation has been filed, and the children aren’t to be moved, but the parent does it anyway.</p>
<p>The OP mentions a step-child. Her H was married before? Why did that marriage end (the real reason, not possibly the likely lies he told you)???</p>
<p>* maybe she should law the groundwork now for an affordable college for that child. Let’s face it, if the parents divorce, there’s not much chance Dad will pay anyway.*</p>
<p>I agree. Since the next college-bound child is the child that the H targets, divorcing would likely leave that child without means for college.</p>
<p>*The older one has a very bad relationship with DH, feels that s/he doesn’t have a father. DH is very hard on this one. The younger one is a very cute, sunny kid. DH dotes on this one, and s/he loves DH, although s/he is certainly upset that DH “targets” the older one (child’s words). *</p>
<p>that said, I would not allow a child to become a target. If necessary, I would put myself in the situation where I would become the target for any ugliness…Adults can withstand much, kids can’t. </p>
<p>YOU have an obligation to protect THAT child. I know this may sound odd, but when that child grows up, s/he will be mad at YOU (the sane one) for not protecting him/her. The child will think to himself…“well, dad was crazy/sick, but YOU should have protected me from him”. </p>
<p>If protecting that child means keeping them apart as much as possible and never providing ANY negative ammo to your H about this child - because your H may blow it out of proportion while directing anger at this child. </p>
<p>There’s something about this child that has made him/her a target for your H’s anger. Perhaps the child remind’s your H about himself…or maybe the child reminds the H of YOU. Who knows??? But that child is perceived to be vulnerable enough to be his target.</p>