<p>Thank you all, so much, for your words of support and your suggestions. I can’t express how much it means to me. I have not told anyone about my situation. I’ve withdrawn from some friends over the past few years, and our social life as a couple has pretty much stopped. Whenever we are going to have people over, he goes into an awful state where he rants and raves about what a mess the house is, and he berates me because the house isn’t perfect. Our house is actually lovely, and it is neater than the average family house (in large part because DH is a neatness fanatic). It is old, and we (I) have done a number of renovations over the years. I always plan these and manage the contractors, and every time something is finished he finds a way to criticize it/me. It cost too much, it took too long, I did it according to my taste and not his, and (most commonly) why didn’t I get it done years ago. The first time he did this, over 10 years ago, I was really blindsided by it and was afraid to do anything else for years. I was shocked, because the renovation had come out very well, as they all have. Some did take too long, but most have gone smoothly.</p>
<p>I am working now, and always have, but my career has always taken a back seat to his, especially since we had kids. His job is much more secure and he makes more than double my salary. Moving would mean an increased salary and better job security for me. I would be afraid to be on my own financially without the ability to move.
Much conflicting advice here, and I see merit in everything that was said. I don’t know which point of view is valid for us. I will definitely find a therapist. I know that I need help. I have not talked to the kids about what is going on, hoping that they were not fully aware of it. DH is hardly even around. I do not really believe that the kids would be better off if we were to divorce, but maybe I am wrong. </p>
<p>Classof2015, what you posted is exactly what I hope to find: “I want you to do anything and everything to bolster your self-esteem and protect yourself from the acid rain of negative comments he slings your way.” I’ve been thinking about posting here for a while, mostly to ask for advice on how to protect my spirit from the barrage of criticism and negativity. Somehow when I did post, I forgot this. How, exactly, can I do this? Mimk6, you said, “I believe OP can become stronger in this situation and make some changes and, if nothing else, start taking steps now so that she can safely and successfully leave at the right time.” This is what I am looking for. I know that, as crizello posted, I can’t change him, but only myself. </p>
<p>How can I protect myself from being damaged by constant exposure to this person, and how can I be a good model for my children? I have no leverage over him. He sees no need to respond to my requests/wishes/demands because there is no “or else” that he cares about. I can’t even talk to him. He has some techniques for shutting me off. One is to say, “Stop yelling at me,” if I say anything at all confrontational. This is bizarre, because I am calm and almost never raise my voice. He also interrupts me constantly. I will get out half a sentence and he will start talking over me, drowning me out. This morning (decription below) he just kept yelling, “I don’t want to talk to you.”</p>
<p>I can honestly say that I am a good person, kind and loving. I have good relationships with everyone in my life except DH, including family, friends, coworkers, neighbors. I am usually able to have good relationships even with people that most people don’t like. I can usually see things from their perspective and make some sort of connection, even though I recognize the reasons that they are not liked. I have many good qualities, but for some reason DH sees me as unworthy. </p>
<p>There is a certain amount of up and down. Most of the time he is not around or hiding in his home office. Sometimes he is pleasant and the house is happy. When he is home and in a bad mood, it is very unpleasant for me. He always talks nicely to the younger child, who can do no wrong in his view. He pretty much ignores the older one. I wouldn’t say that he bullies this child, it’s more that he doesn’t pay much attention and doesn’t take any interest, and it is obvious that he does not think highly of this child. He is not a good father to the younger one, either. There is no true interest, but the younger one is more “braggable.” The “targeting” comment was an unusual thing for my younger child to say, and it struck me because it showed that s/he recognized the different ways the two children are treated.</p>
<p>I sometimes feel trapped by the feeling that if I leave DH it will be better for me, but my kids will pay the price. And I sometimes feel that if we only had the older one, it would be easy to leave with him because DH wouldn’t care. As it is, I could leave with the older one and it would be better for both of us, but much worse for the younger one. I go around and around about this and it drives me crazy. I know a therapist could help here. I can say for sure that the brunt of it all falls on me and not on the kids. I know for sure that the last thing the younger one would want is to move. S/he hates change and home and friends are of primary importance. </p>
<p>DH gets up very early during the week and on weekends (4:30). When he is in a bad mood he makes a lot of noise, deliberately, so that I will not be able to sleep. He resents the fact that I can sleep later than he does. (I get up at 6 during the week and would like to sleep later on weekends.) He goes to bed very early and I stay up later, in large part because I like to wait until the kids are in bed to go to sleep myself. He takes a lot of naps on weekends. This morning he was crashing around in the kitchen, making a horrible amount of noise, and I went downstairs to ask him why he was doing this. He was livid, kept complaining that everyone left things around for him to clean up (one of his favorite themes). He seems to really believe that he does all the work and I do nothing. I do the food and other shopping, all cooking (a big job with two teens), kitchen cleanup (as long as I have known him he has taken the position that if you cook, you have messed up the kitchen and it is your job to clean it up, to give one example of the strange way he sees the world), all laundry, all child-related arranging of lessons, activities, all driving, taking out the garbage, etc., with some help from the kids. We have a housecleaner once a week. He cannot stand anything being left out, our kitchen counters have to always be completely clear (not even a cookie jar or fruit bowl). This morning he was screaming at me that I hadn’t put away the groceries from the night before. I came home with several bags of groceries and put everything away except a package of paper towels that was left by the door. If he empties the dishwasher once, it looms larger in his mind than the 14 other times that week that I’ve done it. He said, “I got up this morning and the towels were all wet – what kind of people are you?” All of the “conversation” on his side was yelling. This morning he woke the younger child up, and s/he was upset. </p>
<p>He always says that I could never keep up his schedule even for a day, I could never deal with his pain, he really works (as opposed to me, he considers my job a hobby although it is a substantial job). These comments are thrown at me like spears. I need a shield.</p>
<p>Is this abuse? I don’t know. My first priority is the children, and being with them every day. But I am starting to worry about how they are being affected. </p>
<p>I will start to document things. I take it I should use email or something that has date stamps? How can I do this privately? I have heard that accounts like gmail could someday be put on a searchable public server (something like wikileaks). </p>
<p>DH does see a pain specialist, who prescribes medication that lessens but does not eliminate the pain. His condition is not life-threatening or even serious, as the doctors see it. He has refused to try all the things I’ve suggested that might get to the cause. I am a fighter, and very resourceful. He is a fatalist. He saw a couple of doctors early on who were not able to help. I see this as only the start, he thinks that he’s done everything he can. He has always ignored my suggestions or even gotten angry. I’ve never understood this. </p>
<p>I am reading every comment. There is too much information to take in all at once, but I will keep reading and thinking. I am more grateful to all of you than I can say. </p>
<p>Next steps: Therapist. Attorney.</p>