<p>Forgive me if I am wrong, but I thought the OP said in one of the very first posts that older step child is grown and married, and the younger kids (HS and MS age) would soon, if not already, be old enough to make their own choice re: which parent to live with and there would not be a custody battle. I don’t recall seeing that the kids would be left behind with the dad if OP moved away to another state. Sounds like dad will be a jerk if divorce is pursued, but sounds like he isn’t the nicest person already.</p>
<p>I could be wrong, but I think the OP is thinking this. "Yes, the kids will choose me for custody, BUT, my ex will have req’ts that I can’t leave the state with them. For me to earn what I need to earn, I would have to leave the state. Therefore, I wouldn’t be able to take the kids with me, even if they choose me. "</p>
<p>@Waverly: I agree with you. My comment was in relation to a subtext by a few posters that some women have their heads in the clouds expecting candy and flowers instead of the work of a marriage, and I believe one overt statement that these days, it is “all too easy to throw in the towel.” </p>
<p>Without <em>offending</em> anyone on this thread, my point is that I suspect people who say this are in happy low-conflict marriages and have no clue what it means to work and raise children in a very difficult marriage with someone who has a lot of unresolved issues, for say, 20 years, finally reaching a point where you can’t stand it any longer and don’t believe it is good for your kids either. Extricating yourself and children legally, physically, and emotionally is not anything close to “too easy.”</p>
<p>sadmomof3, I join the others who thank you for posting. I think you have received so much excellent feedback that I hope will help you as well as the rest of us who are experiencing similar issues.</p>
<p>I have been married 25 years and the past three years have been rocky. I won’t go into the details but my DH basically broke a huge trust issue (not infidelity) but at times, I think that would have been easier. If it had been cheating, it would have been a dealbreaker. Instead I chose to try save the marriage and go the therapy route. I got some ok advice and have been able to come back to a livable level. Unfortunately, DH believes that once the final session of therapy was over, everything was solved and I should be happy again. However, there are many other issues. He is very sensiitve and requires attention but does not realize that he is insensitive. We play this terrible game that if he does this then I do that. I am basically just tired. My D in college was recently diagnosed with depression and I have a lot of other stress. I wish I could go to H to help me solve problems but he is used to me solving all the problems. We really don’t talk much these days and there are days I just want to walk out. Like you, I won’t do this because I have a younger D still living with us. I wonder if there will be anything left for the marriage once younger D goes to college. </p>
<p>A lot of the advice given has also made me think. Some of it, I already have done. I have talked to some friends who are going through similar things and it helps. It’ s funny that I did not even know some of my friends were having issues. Everyone seemed so happy at social events. Then one day, I was really upset and just opened up to one of them. I was shocked to learn that her husband had done the same thing as mine. Another friend is married to an alcoholic for 25 years. He refuses to go to AA so eventually she went on her own to learn how to deal with this. He has put them in so much debt, they cannot afford to divorce. Another friend is married to a selfish man, 34 years. One day she had chest pains and asked to go the the ER. He dropped her off at the hospital because he had a business meeting. Meanwhile, she took extensive time off from her job to go with him to treatments when he came down with cancer. All this sharing helped me cope and put myself back together. I sought a therapist who helped me further.</p>
<p>We are all strong professional women and could probably easily support ourselves. It is just such a difficult decision to make. I have no illusion that I will find someone else who will be my dream come true. I just had hope that DH would see the issues and work harder at it. His parents were married 38 years before FIL passed away. Everyone admired this but his mom is a hyper critical bitter woman. His father never spoke. I doubt they were happy and probably stayed because it was expected. DH is becoming just like his mom, critical and secretive( which is what led to the trust issue). I don’t really see myself wanting this in 5 years.</p>
<p>For now I will stay but I have decided to do the things that make me happy and try to control as much as I can. It is not as bad as the OP yet. I hope he seeks therapy for his issues but I am done pushing. A year ago, I asked him to pick one thing we could do together that we would both like. I am still waiting. In a way, that is my answer.</p>
<p>Sadmomof3, I hope you find the things that make you happy. It does help. Everyday, you get to find yourself again.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids: "I could be wrong, but I think the OP is thinking this. "Yes, the kids will choose me for custody, BUT, my ex will have req’ts that I can’t leave the state with them. For me to earn what I need to earn, I would have to leave the state. Therefore, I wouldn’t be able to take the kids with me, even if they choose me. " "</p>
<p>Yes, this is the situation exactly. The older one would certainly choose to come with me, and this one is old enough to make the decision, but the younger one is not old enough. I can’t imagine separating the two kids any more than I can imagine separating myself from one of my children. As much as the older one feels, and has expressed, that he/she does not have a father, he/she has spent a lot of time over the past two weeks searching for the perfect Christmas gift, refusing the easy way out (I pick something up). So I wonder about the effects of a separation even on the one who does not have a good relationship with my husband, or even much of a relationship at all.</p>
<p>Snowdog: "Without <em>offending</em> anyone on this thread, my point is that I suspect people who say this are in happy low-conflict marriages and have no clue what it means to work and raise children in a very difficult marriage with someone who has a lot of unresolved issues, for say, 20 years, finally reaching a point where you can’t stand it any longer and don’t believe it is good for your kids either. Extricating yourself and children legally, physically, and emotionally is not anything close to “too easy.” " Exactly!</p>
<p>latinmomof2, I am so sorry that you are experiencing serious problems in your marriage. Thank you for your words of support. I hope that you find happiness, too.</p>
<p>A good divorce attorney can address the “you cant take the kids out of the state” thing. Its sometimes used as leverage/a negotiating tool by one spouse to get the other spouse to concede more.</p>
<p>I left a 26 year marriage when my youngest was in her last year of college. I don’t even know what to say about our relationship except that he was aloof, perfectionist, and self centered, and I knew these things from before we were married. My decision to leave seemed pretty sudden–at a New Year’s Eve party he was a total jerk to me when I was under pressure getting food for 16 people on the table, and I knew immediately that I didn’t want to do it any more. </p>
<p>About 2 years after our divorce I met and married a charming and intelligent man who loves me to pieces. I never had that in the long-term marriage. I hope it wasn’t too late for my children to learn something from my experience.</p>
<p>I also met and married a wonderful man a few years after my divorce. Who knew life could be so sweet and conflict free? Amazing what a difference choosing with eyes wide open at forty or fifty something is. My second husband and I married the polar opposites of our first spouses.</p>
<p>I really did lose sight of the fact that a partnership was not supposed to be a constant peace negotiation. Because so many of my friends were not particularly happy in their marriages I lost sight of the fact that a relationship can make you happy.</p>
<p>I stayed too long. I’m so much happier to have my college freshmen daughter see me in a happy relationship than I was for her to see me staying in a situation where no one was happy because I took a vow.</p>
<p>One piece of advice to sadmomof3 and anyone else planning to get divorced is to talk to a lawyer given the situation to find out the reality of divorce and what rights the spouses have or don’t have. For example, Smom is worried that she may not be allowed to move out of state if she gets custody of the younger child because of visitation and such. I don’t know if she already looked into that, but the best bet is to get information on the laws of the local jurisdiction so you can make decisions based on real facts. For example it could be the OP would be allowed to move to another state with the youngest and the H couldn’t stop it, but the possibility could stop the OP from seeking divorce because of that.</p>
<p>I have seen those kind of fears used by one spouse to stop the other one from getting a divorce (H in a marriage with a nasty, nasty women who used and manipulated him and had been cheating for years, wife told him if he divorced her she would get full custody and get him denied any kind of visitation, that her brother was a top lawyer,etc and he was afraid to divorce her because he adored the kids…I told him to talk to a divorce and child custody specialist, who had been a family court judge, that I knew of, turned out based on the spouses track record he ended up with full custody with limited visitation rights with the mom when they divorced, the lawyer told him at worst he would have shared custody). </p>
<p>Basically, divorce is like any other serious endeavor, you need all the information and facts you can and know what you are getting into.</p>