<p>I have often wondered whether the sports culture of a powerhouse NCAA Division 1 team could predispose male athletes to violent behavior toward women relative to the regular student body. After all, year in and year out, Hughly was told to be agressive, get physical and win. If he fails to win, he is belittled; maybe he is told that he plays like a girl. In the locker room, did he engage in banter demeaning to women? Did the UVA team have alcohol-fuel parties with strippers like Duke?</p>
<p>And on the flip side, Yeardley Love may have felt that she was invulnerable because she was a strong athlete.</p>
<p>This is all speculation, of course. I am just trying to make sense of it all.</p>
<p>sevmom…$? I wish… No, I meant mistakes…I make and continue to make a boatload of them while I try to raise my kids and my kids make and will continue to make a boatload of them while they grow up…I’m no saint. Man, that came off the wrong way. </p>
<p>But doesn’t the immediate “it was an accident” response get to anyone else? When I was teaching elementary school 20 years ago I would send home a note about a student bullying or fighting with another child on the playground. That day there would be a phone call from mom or dad. “We are so sorry for Tommy’s misbehavior Mrs. _____. Tommy has been punished for his actions and it will not happen again.” It usually didn’t. Now, a note is sent home and you get and typed two page letter saying things like, “Tommy said it was an accident. You must be mistaken. He is a very willful child or he has been under a lot of stress lately because his baseball team has been losing…”. “Are you sure you really saw him do it because he said he didn’t mean to… If he hurts anyone again, can you please tell us what we can do to punish him?” This happens and it breeds kids who believe they are above reproach and lack a moral compass.</p>
<p>I am not saying that this type of background happened with this boy, and I am trying to not to connect this type of cultural response with what has happened here. I am also trying to separate the two because it may not be fair to his parents, but it is hard to do.</p>
<p>KandKsmom, who said that it was an accident? Was it the young man’s lawyer who initially announced that it was an accident? I could not blame the lawyer for defending his client. I doubt that parents came out to proclaim that this was an accident before they had time to digest the news, speak with their child, seek legal counsel, etc. I would think that the young man’s attorney would have advised his parents to say nothing at all.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids- Maybe I have seen enough in my legal career to know that you are just not correct. I am not a criminal lawyer, but people do things many, many times that are simply inconceivable knowing their “character” and “upbringing”. There are addictions that are hidden, there are underlying psychological issues that even the model parents don’t recognize. As someone else pointed out, there are breaking points in individuals that get reached. It is tragic and hard to understand, but it is more common than not for family members to be completely caught off-guard by criminal behavior of someone close to them. I handled a fairly serious corporate fraud matter committed by the most darling, well-respected young woman you would ever want to meet. Not only was she raised properly, she was loved by all her co-workers. Her family got into financial problems at the beginning of this economic collapse, and she took the only steps she could see. Her extended family was extremely close (a minority culture) and scraped together the money (not easy for them) to pay back what she stole.
Don’t EVER say you are sure you know what your child would do.</p>
<p>NEMom - yes, in the statement by the defense attorney.
I think it’s clear now why the lawyer came out in the statement and said it was “accidental” right away - considering the damning evidence found on the computer, past history etc.
He is trying to make a case this is not pre-meditated and possible save his clients life.</p>
<p>I betcha this never goes to court and they plea bargain.</p>
<p>No one has mentioned this and perhaps I’m the only one that has seen this but we have known couples, married and unmarried, who would get into horrible fights, physical and verbal, generally in combination with alcohol. Over the same decades we’ve seen these same people find new partners and you would’t even believe the stories if you hadn’t known them with the previous boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. I’ve come to believe that two seemingly normal well adjusted people can just have this totally negative relationship and generally alcohol fuels the underlying situation in a violent manner. This particular story is tragic because I, too, believe that the relationship was probably not healthy from the beginning and now two families are destroyed</p>
<p>MOWC, I agree with you. When I was a very young mom, a much older friend gave me the advice to never say never about your children because you are likely to be proven wrong. I, too, have seen many families, on both a personal and professional basis, where there things happen that are totally out of character with the individual and their families are devastated by the actions. It’s not always the case but, in my experience, it is most often the case in these horrendous occurrences.</p>
<p>*This couple had been dating “off again, on again” for one year. He had trouble with alcohol. The tension had gotten worse between them “recently”. *</p>
<p>If they were graduating this month, he could have been becoming more anxious as they would soon be going their separate ways away from campus, and he would lose his connection to her.</p>
<p>I think its possible that the computer may have been the reason he went to her apartment in the first place. I wonder if she had indicated/implied that she might turn over the emails in an attempt to get him under control. Or whether someone else had told him that that was a possibility. It just seems to be too “rational” for him to think to take the computer after the fact. This had to be central to his state of mind from the beginning.</p>
<p>I read in one report that he said the apartment door was unlocked, so there was one line of defense that was gone. He may have easily kicked in her bedroom door, but not the apartment door.</p>
So the non-lacrosse players got the suspension option, and the others didn’t? (Their choice was to withdraw or be expelled.) Preferential treatment of star athletes, which might just continue into college. Don’t most Div 1 lacrosse players come from private prep schools and wealthy families? And then they are treated as BMOC at their universities, and think they are something really special? Wasn’t that the case at Duke? Is that the case at UVA? I know we’ve been (repeatedly) told to not blame anyone but the young man himself in this thread, but I do believe that there are certainly some other places to place at least some of the blame. </p>
<p>Dh said he watched the NBC news last night, and during the brief mention of the murder, Brian Williams did not mention that Huguely was a lacrosse player. Some spin so that the NCAA MENS lacrosse tournament isn’t tainted? </p>
<p>Question for all – why do boys wear helmets when playing lacrosse and girls don’t? My friend noticed this, and I saw an online photo of Miss Love playing in a game, and she only had goggles.</p>
<p>If there is any lesson here it is to get out of toxic relationships in anyway you can whether you are a man or a woman. Unfortunately in a campus setting that is very difficult. If you have friends in an abusive relationship be as watchful as possible. It is usually “worse” behind the scenes than on the surface and can seem OK without alcohol. I’m sure neither one of them had an inkling that it would escalate in this way. Anger can manifest itself in extreme ways.</p>
<p>I asked the same question during a girls game a couple of years back and realized that I had really “stepped in it”, from the reaction of the players parents. The answer is that the rules are completely different, and if you changed the rules and allowed the type of contact that required helmets (and allowed checking) , you would have a very different sport and a different athlete on the field.</p>
<p>Lacrosse is also kind of the “smart kids football” - Please! I’m not saying that football players are dumb so don’t even go there! Because it is more prevalent at private schools and the equipment is quite expensive, you see (generally) higher socio-economic demographic which has had more academic opportunities.</p>
<p>Quite simply, in men’s lacrosse, players are allowed to beat the hell out of each other. In women’s lacrosse, physical contact is much more limited and the more violent aspects of the game are not allowed.</p>