<p>How do we do the QUOTE function on this board? </p>
<p>I think I’ll stick to my viewpoints instead of taking advise from ‘anothercrazymom’. </p>
<p>There is a difference between license and liberty. And I’m not so fickle that I lose a spark for somebody I fall in love with. I don’t do it easily and I don’t confuse sex with love. A commitment is a commitment and it needs to be negotiated out of as fairly, honestly, and painlessly as possible. People who don’t understand that are the ones who need to ‘grow up’. </p>
<p>If a woman wants out of a commitment, of course, I’ve already stated I’ve done that cordially several times. Agreeing to do so and not doing so makes that relationship into a lie and it has deleterious effects on developing trust in subsequent relationships. It’s Toxic.</p>
Kudos to your son and the others who made it to clear to the shoved that he had crossed the line.</p>
<p>What happened with the UVA men’s lacrosse team? There are several reported instances where Huguely got aggressive with Miss Love, and it doesn’t appear that anyone on the team intervened. In one instance members of the UNC men’s lacrosse team had to pull Huguely off of her!</p>
<p>I read a reference to an article somewhere about a female attorney in Boston stating that UVA has treated badly for years the victims of physical or sexual assault. I did find a reference to UVA and its treatment of sexual assault, but didn’t find anything else. Has anyone else seen this article?</p>
<p>So because she made a ‘commitment’ in her own mind… what??? It was her fault because her commitment prevented her from reporting him? from discerning whether or not she really should say something?</p>
<p>sadatthisstory, why does a young unmarried person have to “negotiate” out of a relationship? He/she should try to break up in as kind a manner as possible and try to explain their reason for doing so. But he/she has a right to break up even if the partner doesn’t agree. There is no commitment to stay together for the long term. There isn’t even a legal connection.</p>
<p>Also, for a young unmarried person, they may not wish to “work through problems” as sadathisstory suggests. They may wish to cut their losses and move on. They are not committed life partners. </p>
<p>I expect married people, however, to make strong attempts to work through problems before breaking their commitment since marriage is meant to be a commitment.</p>
<p>An unmarried person has less of a commitment in this regard. That is why it is common to have dated several people before committing a life to marriage.</p>
<p>CTCC: I recall an article of a young woman who I’m pretty sure went to UVA. She was slipped something in her drink at a frat house and woke up having been raped. She went to the hospital and had their exams done. She went to the administration, who basically told her to let it go. Her parents got her out of school, and she was quite traumatised and it hurt her development some (but she was a strong woman and she eventually married and recovered). </p>
<p>Then one day she got a letter from her rapist expressing some fairly contrite remorse, but then as their correspondence went on he seemed to want to alleviate himself from the full measure of fault - and she had him arrested. He went to jail. I’ll see if I can find the article. I’m not sure it was UVA.</p>
<p>I also think this discussion of commitment is not relevant to this murder story. </p>
<p>This is a story about what appears to be relationship abuse and violence. I am eager to learn more about if Love shared concerns with her friends or not, and if the friends of Huguely were aware of his aggression toward Love. And more education is needed about warning signs for those in relationships and friends who observe these things in their friends’ relationships and how to speak up.</p>
<p>What is the big problem with NEGOTIATING - I’m not talking about a 14 year legal battle here? I’m talking about a sit down in which the relationship is discussed and broken off.</p>
<p>Well, I wish I had that crystal ball that you seem to be looking into that guarantees that the person you fall in love with will never change to the point that you find it impossible (and possibly dangerous) to stay with.</p>
<p>I’ll bet you won’t find an adult on these boards that won’t say that they haven’t changed in fairly drastic ways since their late teens/early 20s. If they haven’t, then they haven’t grown. People who knew me in high school would not recognize me today, for good reasons, thankfully. But people also change for the bad… life happens and everyone deals with issues outside of their control differently. Our coping skills change and everyone has different tolerance levels. It has nothing to do with being fickle or a roving eye.</p>
<p>yes, it appears friends of Huguely had observed a pattern of violent behavior. they are speaking NOW, but still only with the condition of anonymity. </p>
<p>"A friend of Huguely’s who played lacrosse with him in summer leagues told the Daily News that Huguely “partied really hard and when he was drunk or f----- up, he could be violent. He would get out of control.”</p>
<p>Huguely was described by the summer league teammate as “obsessive,” constantly texting and calling Love, to the point that people close to her worried about the relationship.</p>
<p>Another friend who knew both Huguely and Love said the couple broke up in part due to an incident during which Huguely attacked Love and could not remember doing it the next day. On the night of Love’s death, the friend reported that people saw Huguely at a party “breaking bottles” and that said he was going to go to Love’s apartment to get her back."</p>
<p>as others have stated, there clearly was escalation of violence going on, and tragically many seemed to have known about it…</p>
<p>Well of course a partner in a relationship should have the decency to sit down and discuss the relationship and why they wish to end it. I know my D has done that when breaking up with boyfriends! But you used the term “negotiating” and “agreeing” and neither of those are required when breaking up as unmarried people. A discussion and respect should be involved in a breakup but a person can be firm about ending it and not have to agree or negotiate the end of it, if not married particularly.</p>
<p>lindz…I’ve read that stuff too in articles. I just think more is likely to come out .We don’t know yet, if there were threatening calls and emails from Huguely to Love (speculation and what if’s). For example, what if he threatened her in email and did she confide that to others? And what if people saw him out of control that night and in that state he was heading to her apartment to confront her. Did anyone warn her? And so on. So, little bits are coming out but not the full story yet.</p>
<p>soozievt–yes, I wonder if others knew of actual threats, if so I would actually be concerned about their own mental state. that witholding of information could very hard to deal with now. given that he took her computer I imagine he was worried about what would be found. others saw him en route to her apartment pounding on cars.</p>
<p>Sooz…Just because you cannot see the relevance of an issue to this situation doesn’t mean it’s irrelevant. Why don’t you start your own thread…?</p>
<p>So the consensus seems to be on what level do people feel comfortable reporting abuse that they’ve witnessed. Unfortunately, some of these witnesses probably grew up in households where they witnessed domestic abuse and have a much higher tolerance or sensitivity level than we’d feel comfortable with. When I was in college, one of my roommate’s boyfriends hit her a couple of times. I didn’t do anything about it; honestly, I had no tools with which to process this kind of behavior. There was no education about relationship violence back then. When I found out what happened, I probably just felt more afraid for myself if I were to say something. </p>
<p>Then we get to a level of intimacy between the witnesser and the abusee. Is it hearsay (although we know in this case there were eye witnesses to his temper)? When D2 was in high school, I saw an IM conversation left up on the computer where D2 was discussing with another girl that one of their mutual friend’s brother was known to hit his sister. This brother was known as one of the cleanest kids in the school, and I don’t know if anyone would have ever believed her had she reported this. In hindsight, as this girl has continued to get herself into precarious situations (got pregnant before graduation, and after her baby was born entered into a very abusive relationship with someone much older than her and who had been married twice already), I wonder about the validity of her claims against her brother. This is a family that comes across as very gentle, very mild-spoken, etc. But we do know that the police have been called to their home several times in the last couple of years (the daughter is still living at home with her baby). I could spend all day talking to each individual family member, yet know the truth lies somewhere between all their stories. I’ve not witnessed any of it, but from hearsay, know enough to know something is going on. </p>
<p>At one point are people let off the hook for not reporting abuse? I agree, those who witnessed violence from this boy must have a big hole in their hearts right now, but I don’t think it can be a black or white issue.</p>
<p>CBS news reports that during the candlelight vigil held for Ms Love on May 5th, President Casteen made the following statement to the crowd of 2,000 students: “My hope for Yeardley and for you is that her dying inspires an anger, a sense of outrage that no woman need ever fear for their safety.”</p>
<p>To President Casteen: hundreds of women have been raped on your campus yet not one predator has been sanctioned or expelled during your period of leadership. Seven students have died on your campus during the past academic year. It is clear to every victim that you are the President of a campus that cultivates a culture of violence by silencing victims and turning a blind eye to crime. I am outraged that you are lying to the public to save your legacy. You should be ashamed, very ashamed. You are retiring and will be gone from UVA soon, but the culture of violence against women that grew under your watch will not end with your departure from Charlottesville…</p>
<p>To the public, do not be snookered by Casteen’s words shared during the emotional and moving vigil for Ms Love. It is fact that he has refused to meet with rape victims and their families, and refuses to bring the University into compliance with Title IX and Clery Act laws. Unfortunately, UVA women do need to fear for their safety.
[Welcome[/url</a>]</p>
<p>“sadatthisstory” I don’t really think you are sad at this story, I think your screen name is as ironic as mine. You just seem to be using this thread to justify your own misogyny and allude to your own mistreatment at the hands of a woman.</p>
<p>sadaththisstory…regarding post 636:
you are free to discuss anything you wish. I can still form an opinion that discussing violence against men perpetrated by women is not all that relevant to this thread and that discussion of commitments in relationships is not that relevant. On discussion forums, it helps to stick to the topic and then start another thread on a new topic. But feel free to do as you wish. I am not the only person on the thread who pointed out that your link to an article about mothers abusing children and also discussion of violence against men doesn’t seem too related, even if very important issues otherwise.</p>