<p>anothercrazymom states what I infer as well. Sadatthisstory, you come across as upset about a breakup (or possible abuse?) at the hands of a woman. You just joined CC and post on this thread only. You seem upset about a personal experience and may be rightfully so.</p>
<p>teriwtt, I think it’s difficult for young people and even some adults to know when to intervene, or even to judge how serious the situation is. No one ever seems to want to “get someone in trouble”. I was watching a show on ABC last night where actors played out risky scenarios in bars, very drunk young woman being preyed upon by a man, I was actually in tears watching people intervene. They film in a restaurant and not far from my home.</p>
<p>anothercrazymom - I also think some of the questions I bring up are relevant to the bullying case in MA. We all agree that bullying should not be tolerated, but my bet is that in a population of 100 individuals, you’ll get 75 different responses on what defines bullying and what is just kids being kids. Obviously what happened in MA was bullying, but many cases are not so clear cut when you take into account how different people define it.</p>
<p>soozievt—I agree with your comments to sadat. I reacted to his earlier post bc of what I found offensive.</p>
<p>Sadathistory stated "But don’t worry, it’s easier to just blame the guy and split. Women are always victims, they never do anything wrong.</p>
<p>in the context of this thread, this was inappropriate to state. I know you will say it is taken out of context. no it’s not. you were victim blaming.</p>
<p>acm, teri, soozie, it is very difficult at times to let yourself really see things for what they are even in the case of threatening behavior, agression. often our own denial kicks in. this is why we need to explicitly talk with our kids about what constitutes bullying and aggression. talk about the fact that when people threaten to harm, themselves or others they usually will do just that. </p>
<p>but what is so concerning to me is the UVA victims of rape website --here are examples of reported rapes on campus where the necessary actions were not taken. this goes far beyond teaching students to report, this appears to be a serious systemic issue within.</p>
<p>I warned everyone about taking the bait many pages ago. I recognized the warning signs.</p>
<p>*What is the big problem with NEGOTIATING - I’m not talking about a 14 year legal battle here? I’m talking about a sit down in which the relationship is discussed and broken off.
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<p>Negotiating? What you’re talking about is stopping the person from breaking up with you. While “negotiating” might work in some cases, it can’t be demanded. The longer the relationship existed, the more likely some kind of “sit down discussion” seems reasonable (as long as no abuse was involved). IF my H of 25 years just up and decided that he didn’t want to married anymore, but offered no reason or discussion, that would be inappropriate. If a person wants the freedom to walk away with no questions asked or explanation is needed, then don’t get married (even if it’s legal to do that, it’s not an ethical thing to do - especially if children are involved.)</p>
<p>However, when there is no marriage, either party can suddenly decide that the relationship is no longer right for them and end it rather quickly with little to no explanation (because sometimes the “explanation” just leads to more arguing.). </p>
<p>BTW…You’re the one who made the comment that she may have had a commitment with him.</p>
<p>I rarely say this here, but we would all be well served to put sadatthis on ignore status and prevent the complete derailing of this thread. When someone signs on for the SOLE purpose of hijacking a thread, it is very suspect. I will no longer be responding to this poster.</p>
<p>MomofWildChild, you are right, we are not going to change his attitude, best not to engage.</p>
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<p>I’ve been waiting for the ‘I told you so’, which is why, in #637, I have made an attempt to redirect my own concerns about the case the thread was begun about.</p>
<p>As a mother, I want to wring the necks of those who knew of his history and did nothing about it. I’m sure there is a very small handful of students at UVA who were able to put together all the incidences for which he was cited prior to this murder. But I have a feeling it’s more likely that different people knew different parts of his history and not everything and as someone who has been on the end of knowing some things, but not all, how can you fault them?</p>
<p>If at some point her mom decides to speak out (and that is her decision), I would be interested to know if she knew anything. I also read somewhere that Love’s dad died from cancer when she was in high school, so I am thinking of that poor mom who has lost her husband and daughter in just a few short years.</p>
<p>I think as a mom of a son one of my most important jobs was to raise a good man. I want him to respect himself so he can respect others. I have never wanted him to believe he was so special that rules of decency, courtesy and morality did not apply to him. He has been raised in relative privledge, prep schools, vacation homes, trips etc…but we have expected him to hold summer jobs, do chores around the house and to generally take responsibility for himself. It isn’t always easy not to spoil him, he is a good kid, but ultimately I don’t think material things spoil a child. It starts when there are no consquences. I don’t blame George Huguely parents, or the Landon School or UVA or his teammates, or the Lacrosse culture. I think all of it contributed to what made George Huguely the person he became, but I blame George Huguely for not recognizing the animal he had become and asking someone for help. I blame him for kicking in that door and beating Yeardley Love to death. Because however he became the man he is, he is a man and he had choices.
When my son was a freshman he told me, “Mom at some point in your life you have to choose the kind of person you want to be, and then you have to work hard to become that person”. I wrote it down because I was so impressed and proud. I do not take credit for this boy, my husband is a great role model, so are his grandparents, who are very involved in his life. His coach, teachers and dorm supes in HS have been pretty amazing and when he joined the crew team the upper classmen on the team were mentors, friends and also role models. He has been captain of his team for 2 years now and I hear from other moms that he has become the good role model and mentor. He is lucky, we are lucky.</p>
<p>I get a kick out of many women who seem only capable of viewing a matter through the prism of being a woman. I’m way past over what happened to me. This thread is about domestic violence and the factors that can lead to it, specifically, on college campuses. </p>
<p>Everything I have posted is relevant to the factors that can cause it. </p>
<p>I think it’s Rich that Lindz is ‘outraged’ about a rape that was hushed up at UVA in 1984 and Sooz hasn’t come into advise that that link has nothing to do with THIS thread. (All things are intertwined into a culture. This does not excuse the perpetrator.) And Lindz and half of you think I’m a putz for pointing out problems and potential solutions on the basis of my personal experience. </p>
<p>If you want to resolve the problems of domestic violence you might consider finding out what actually causes it, not the psychobabble. And to do that you have to find out what makes men so angry they would even contemplate such a thing (I don’t think men are born with the goal in life that they’re going to grow up and have an ugly break-up which culminates in them murdering a woman they really only thought they wanted to love but didn’t know how, or didn’t love him back the way he thought he wanted). </p>
<p>And Lindz, you have no idea what I’m feeling about this tragic story, which I feel could have been prevented on so many levels - not just by peers currently, but by a more competent understanding and responsible prevention techniques that could have been developed and implemented YEARS AGO (like 35 years ago when I was in college, thereby preventing many other sad stories along the way). I am sad to see those issues haven’t changed one iota and two lives are ruined - although I feel much worse for the gal, and more anger at the killer and the system that is in place that seemed to let a ticking-time-bomb athlete get to the point of commiting this crime. It is sad, especially because universities like UVA have so many resources with which to prevent these kinds of tragedies - and in this particular case both students had considerable more interaction with the adults at the university by virtue of their involvement in both sports and academics, plus a likely larger group of friends than the average student. </p>
<p>Many of you seem to have the same ‘look the other way’ attitude toward what happened to me (because it was a woman) as you lament in the failure of these institutions in preventing these crimes (that’s called hypocrisy, BTW) And there is no shortage of sexism from some of you, either. But I haven’t taken your bait.</p>
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<p>Dude, grow up. Disappointments happen. People lose their homes, jobs, health, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever. How you move on depends on your character. In some cases it builds it.</p>
<p>Well said BCEagle91!</p>
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<p>sadatthisstory, this is getting repetitive but I haven’t seen anyone deny that it is an issue when women abuse men. It is most definitely just as bad as vice versa. Nobody here wants to sweep that under the rug. Still the statistics have been shared here that the percentage of abuse where it is men abusing women in relationships, and murdering women in relationships is much higher. That doesn’t lessen the importance of the issue you are making. But the incident on THIS thread is about a man abusing a woman in an intimate relationship and in fact, murdering her. It is not sexist to keep on topic. If we talk about this, it doesn’t mean we don’t think your issue of violence by women against men is not a valid concern. It is. It just is not only not as prevalent, but is not related to this news story. You come across as having an agenda on that issue and have come to this thread about a murder of a young woman at the hands of her male partner, to push the issue that concerns you. We are not saying your issue is not important and so please stop saying we are ignoring the importance of it or that we are sexist. Simply, many do not see it as relevant to THIS THREAD. You may wish to start a thread on violence against men in intimate relationships.</p>
<p>anothercrazymom - your son sounds amazing, you all have done a good job.</p>
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I wonder about that, too. It seems the signs were there.</p>
<p>The articles on the 1984 rape weren’t what I was referencing (it was an article or interview with a female Boston attorney), but they are interesting. I didn’t realize that UVA had such a dismal record re rapes until the articles posted here. </p>
<p>People are saying here that students need to be educated about signs of abuse. Well, it appears that they already have been, since 2006, with the Red Flag Campaign. The first year was 2006, when the current seniors were freshmen. Although this is a 2007 article, I’m assuming that the Red Flag Campaign continued in the 2008 and 2009 fall semesters. What did Huguely and his friends/teammates think when they walked by the red flags? I can only imagine!</p>
<p>[Red</a> Flags Explained: Campaign Spotlights Signs of Abusive Relationships](<a href=“http://www.virginia.edu/uvatoday/newsRelease.php?id=3018]Red”>http://www.virginia.edu/uvatoday/newsRelease.php?id=3018)</p>
<p>“Verizon Wireless gave $5,000 to the U.Va. Womens Centers Sexual and Domestic Violence Services to fund the Mens Leadership Program, a mentoring program that trains male undergraduates to work with middle school boys in an effort to develop boys’ leadership among their peers in resisting the negative social pressures and violent cultural messages with which youngsters are bombarded.”</p>
<p>Seems like at least some of that grant should have been used on the UVA male students themselves (particularly members of the sports teams?)!</p>
<p>I usually watch the Early Show on CBS most Saturdays but missed it today so I checked online earlier to catch up. As a lifelong Virginian who has had a vested interest in higher education, I felt I was pretty in touch with the state schools. The following text from the show really bothered me. </p>
<p>"But on “The Early Show on Saturday Morning,” attorney Wendy Murphy said, “The University of Virginia – I don’t think this has been made public yet – has a notorious reputation for being not very effective at dealing with violence against women on campus. I have a case involving the University of Virginia right now in terms of their systemic inadequacies in addressing violence against women on campus.” </p>
<p>Is what is being said here a singular viewpoint or is she expanding on something that has been “swept under the rug” for a long time? I was honestly taken back by the statements. I hope Dean J will share some of her viewpoints when she can.</p>
<p>Murphy cautioned parents that, “If you’ve got a kid in college, it’s very important to check out what the policies are at the university in terms of how they handle dating violence and sexual violence, because it’s a huge problem on campuses across the country. … So check out what the university policies and procedures are. If your daughter is in danger because the university doesn’t have the right rules in place, parents have a need to know.”</p>
<p>[New</a> Reports of Trouble in George Huguely’s Past - The Early Show - CBS News](<a href=“http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/05/08/earlyshow/saturday/main6469332.shtml?tag=cbsnewsTwoColLowerPromoArea;morenews]New”>http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/05/08/earlyshow/saturday/main6469332.shtml?tag=cbsnewsTwoColLowerPromoArea;morenews)</p>
<p>What was the disposition of the charges against Huguely? Strange to me that public intoxication and resisting charges in Lexington were not made public/kept from University officials.</p>
<p>oldfort, thank you. I really believe we gave him the best we have and he made some really good choices, I also believe that he has had some truly amazing peope around him backing us up and in a lot of ways they helped raise him. He knows what is right and what is wrong and I believe he isn’t special or unique. Most of our children and most of us know and believe the same things. The George Huguely’s of this world make us question things briefly, but we know they are the minority. We need to find a way to eradicate and neutralize the George Huguely’s and empower our daughters(or nieces in my case)to say NO, NO NO! Love isn’t this false passion, this intensity, this ********.(sorry about the language).</p>
<p>I don’t think UVA is alone in not being as responsive as they should be to female assault victims, especially where the perpetrator is another student. Unfortunately, my D has firsthand knowledge of this, although not as a victim herself. </p>
<p>I think it must be very difficult for athletes to report their teammates. There is so much pressure to be loyal and the consequences of being perceived disloyal are apparently something that most can’t deal with. It’s really not that unusual in these kinds of cultures— doctors, police, there are plenty of examples of people looking the other way. Of course, this doesn’t excuse it. What these kids need are ethics lessons – when a misplaced sense of loyalty turns into cowardice and paralysis.</p>