<p>one of the myths that needs to be debunked is that someone like GH would not commit such violence. </p>
<p>Studies of domestic violence consistently have found that battering occurs among all types of families, regardless of income, profession, region, ethnicity, educational level or race.</p>
<p>In my opinion, schools (high school, etc.) have done a lot of good in recent years to teach about drug and alcohol abuse, and sex education and so on. I think young people are more informed on those topics than in my youth. Perhaps part of education should include understanding of relationship abuse and violence. Most young people do go onto a life in one or more relationships and so this kind of education pertains to most. It would not solve everything (nor does drug education) but the awareness alone would be beneficial.</p>
<p>lindz, I agree that abusers come from all socio-economic backgrounds, etc. However, what I was mentioning in another post is that those directly in the relationship and friends of that person likely cannot fathom that person being capable or willing to murder. Those looking from the outside in may see it but often the person who has been in love with the abuser or even friends of the abuser, don’t see it as possible. Too close to see it and too close to believe that someone they care about and who supposedly cares about them would ever do such a thing. An objective observer can more readily believe it.</p>
<p>soozievt–I was responding to Tega’s remark that he didn’t seem like someone who would be capable of this. I completely agree. we all in our own individual way would deny that someone we care about and seems to care for us would be capable of harming us. the denial is very strong with all of these kinds of relationship issues. that’s where as you say the education to increase awareness comes into play, to break down that denial. I believe Yeardley recognized some level of risk and tried intelligently to get away from him. In her memory let’s commit to learning as much as we can to stop future violence.</p>
<p>*Studies of domestic violence consistently have found that battering occurs among all types of families, regardless of income, profession, region, ethnicity, educational level or race. *</p>
<p>Yes, and the ties to alcohol also cross all those lines. And, it’s no coincidence that alcohol abuse and physical/emotional/verbal abuse often go hand in hand.</p>
<p>If a young person is lucky enough to have never witnessed domestic violence first hand, it must seem like a foreign idea.</p>
<p>It would seem that way, right? But there have been cases where the abuser didn’t have parents that were abusers. However, the abuser - as a child - did not learn self control, boundaries, had a sense of entitlement, humility, etc…and then alcohol and a lack of self control can enable such people to be abusers even if they did not witness such behavior in their families during their childhood.</p>
<p>However, I have no idea what happened during George’s childhood. We don’t know if abuse was a reason for his parents divorce or not. We may never know.</p>
<p>And, yes, most abusers did probably witness or experience abuse in their homes.</p>
<p>Another very important issue is how abuse travels from generation to generation. This was highlighted in the NPR interview today. A man who is raised in a family where there is domestic violence is very likely to be an abuser. They stopped short of saying it is almost guaranteed, but, unless there is some sort of intervention, it is very likely. It is also more likely for a woman who witnessed abuse as a child to get involved with an abuser later in life but the correlation is not as strong. I guess it is no real surprise that dysfunction breeds dysfunction. I have known 3 men well who abused women and 2 of the 3 came from households in which there was physical abuse and alcohol abuse. The other came from a family in which there was emotional and verbal abuse but no outward signs of physical abuse. There is a reason that mom and dad, especially dad, are closely scrutinized when a child becomes abusive.</p>
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<p>This, this, this. Support your daughter when she breaks up with a boyfriend, even if he seemed perfect, you really liked the kid, you knew him forever, you hoped they would get married one day, etc. Maybe she knows something about him you don’t. Or maybe she got an uneasy feeling about him. Or, hey, maybe there was nothing insidious about him, but she just felt he wasn’t the one for her. That’s all right too. That’s HER right.</p>
<p>(This advice also goes for sons who break up with someone. Men are less likely to be the victims of abuse, but that doesn’t mean it NEVER happens, especially psychological abuse.)</p>
<p>@soozievt, your quote #782:
I hope you’re not thinking of this defense: blame the alcohol. George H drank it and he should have known he can’t handle alcohol. He has had prior arrests when he gets drunk. But he chose to do that. The alcohol got him going and thinking irrationally, but he is still responsible for his behavior even if he was drunk.</p>
<p>"Abuse in relationships is intentional in an effort to control the partner. An abuser abuses in order to get what they want. It often doesn’t start out as physical abuse. It may start out as emotional abuse (examples: intimidation and threats). Abusers often have low self-esteem. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence (i.e. “if she hadn’t…”). In many cases, the abuse can escalate and turn physical and violent. '</p>
<p>I’ve been following this thread with interest and didn’t feel the need to contribute since all of the posters are doing such a good job covering all of the angles. The post above…Sooziet, i agree with all of it except the part about abusers having low self esteem. I’m not sure about that. There have been studies that have shown that prison populations demonstrate higher self esteem than any other population of people. I think an inflated ego and a narcissistic personality contribute greatly to the sense of entitlement that may fuel this type of abuse.</p>
<p>I really don’t believe this! </p>
<p>Yeardly Love could not have gotten a restraining order against Huguely.Under Virginia law she wasn’t entitled to one.</p>
<p>[Turns</a> Out, Yeardley Love Couldn’t Have Gotten a Restraining Order If She Wanted To - The Human Condition Blog - Newsweek.com](<a href=“http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/thehumancondition/archive/2010/05/12/turns-out-yeardley-love-couldn-t-have-gotten-a-restraining-order-had-she-wanted-to.aspx]Turns”>http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/thehumancondition/archive/2010/05/12/turns-out-yeardley-love-couldn-t-have-gotten-a-restraining-order-had-she-wanted-to.aspx)</p>
<p>Here’s another law that needs to be changed.</p>
<p>limabeans, in no way was I blaming alcohol as a defense of George Huguely. He is responsible for his actions! Absolutely. I am saying that someone who has control issues and is abusive and has rages, may escalate all that while under the influence. But he is still at fault. But alcohol is a bad mix with his tendencies.</p>
<p>Wow! I had no idea that in some states, there’s no such thing as a restraining order against a boyfriend. In both states where I’ve studied or practiced law, you can take one out against anyone who has threatened you, even if they were never a romantic partner. Time to get with the program, Virginia – DV victims have so few modes of defense, and you deny them one of the most basic!</p>
<p>jonri, I’m speechless.</p>
<p>That reminds me of those archaic laws which said a husband couldn’t be prosecuted for raping his wife as it was considered an oxymoron of sorts.</p>
<p>Unbelievable.</p>
<p>Virginia does offer protective orders for victims of stalking. </p>
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<p>An emergency protective order is issued by the judge or magistrate when a warrant is issued for the perpetrator’s arrest. </p>
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<p>All quotes from: [WomensLaw.org</a> | Virginia: Protective Orders for Stalking, Sexual Battery, and Serious Bodily Injury](<a href=“http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=10047&state_code=VA&open_id=all&lang=en#content-4371]WomensLaw.org”>http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=10047&state_code=VA&open_id=all&lang=en#content-4371)</p>
<p>I know that Dean Groves has taken action when students have complained of stalking behavior. It happened to a friend of my D’s. But they can’t do anything if they don’t know. </p>
<p>A large group of students at UVA have also launched a campaign to establish a Safe House at UVa specifically for members of the community. Via phone calls, twitter, facebook and emails, they have let the community and administration know that more needs to be done.</p>
<p>I wonder how restraining orders would work with them both on the same campus?</p>
<p>Thankfully Virginia makes it very easy to get a handgun which is much better at stopping bad boyfriends than a piece of paper. The safehouse idea is also good.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.dvmen.org/dv-14.htm[/url]”>http://www.dvmen.org/dv-14.htm</a></p>
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<p>While I am not admitted to practice in the Commonwealth of Va, my understanding of that language is that YL would have to press criminal charges against GH in order to get a protective order.</p>
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<p>That’s a pretty heavy burden. If Huguely said “I’ll beat the $#%* out of any guy you date,” that apparently is not illegal. If he just texted YL 400 times a day saying “I want you back. I’ll never give up,” that wouldn’t be stalking either. </p>
<p>I live in NYC. This is my understanding of the way it works here. A woman alleges under oath that she has been harrassed. The court issues an order saying that the stalker has to stay a certain distance from her, cannot phone her, email her, write her, etc. If he violates that protective order, it’s a crime. There is NO trial to prove that he actually threatened her–maybe there were no witnesses and he denies it. It doesn’t matter–he has to stay away from her. If he shows up, she calls 911, shows the responding officers the protective order, and he’s arrested.</p>
<p>BTW, just in case any of you or your Ds have this issue in NYC,you can go to the Association of the Bar of the City of New York, also known as the Citibar, as well as some of the other local bar associations, and a paralegal employed by the association will help you fill out all the paperwork and lead you through the process. No fee is charged.</p>
<p>“If he violates that protective order, it’s a crime”.</p>
<p>And how often does that crime actually result in any serious punishment?</p>
<p>jonri, that is correct. Criminal charges would have to be filed. However, if a complaint had been made GH would have been investigated. And perhaps his prior criminal arrest record, including being tasered for threatening to kill a police officer, would have come out. I think it likely a warrant would have been issued. I would also add that protective orders are regularly continued in practice. It’s not 15 days to prove he committed a crime.</p>