<p>Ok…my dh and I have been under extreme stress the past month…he had yet another heart attack, making me be extra sweet, kind and loving…UGH…but…he’s not being receptive! Tonight, I said something I thought was pretty innocent, but he reacted like I just killed his mother brother sister and…well…everyone. I cried…he screamed…we are now at an impasse, cause he feels bad…and so do I…(I am keeping in mind he’s got this heart condition) I’d love to know…honestly, when is it ok for him to be and @hole to me, and I have to be kind even when hes not. This is a long term issue…but, I’ve managed b4…Now, its getting harder…Am I a b I t c H? I don’t want to be, but its just getting hard to be barked at all the time…when I don’t see a change coming…of course…there is now way I can leave either…</p>
<p>husband and kids will kill me for posting this but, oops:)</p>
<p>Oh I am so sorry. And No it is not OK for him to be an a$$hole because he has had a heart attack and I don’t think you have to be kind when he is not. If the behaviour has started since his heart attack then perhaps you can bring up and discuss it at a non heated moment. I am sure the stress has a lot to do with it but taking it out on you is not the way to go. My elderly FIL had a stroke many many years ago and has treated everyone like complete $h*t ever since. He seems to have the attitude that if he is going to be miserable then everyone else can be too. Then 5 years ago my husband had a blood clot that nearly killed him and damaged his heart and lungs. He started acting like his Dad and I finally blew up and told him straight up I was not his Mom and I was not going to stay around and be treated like that. I probably was being a bit (well a lot) of a witch with a b as I was stressed too and we were both upset and cried, but it he did see that it was not acceptable and we are fine now. Honestly I could not have stayed around if he had started treating me the way his Dad treated his Mom, health problems or not.</p>
<p>Hope you can sort it out. Cyber {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you.</p>
<p>papengena - sometimes we just need to vent, but I do think it’s appropriate to set some boundaries for yourself. If he gets it, then he will realize that you need to be at your best to take care of him.</p>
<p>I think it must be like walking around on egg shells all the time, and at some point, I’d break those egg shells. From what I remember when doing my hospital chaplaincy work, it’s not unusual at all for heart patients to suffer from depression… so much of their lives center on what they can and can’t do, and they often lose a sense of independence. I know he has also had the added burden of a sketchy business partner. </p>
<p>Of course it’s getting harder for you - it’s the proverbial straw that’s breaking the camel’s back. In my situation, when a member of my family disrespects me (more than likely, one of my daughters), I walk away from it. I learn not to engage at that level. When I am ready (and settled down… sometimes this can take many hours) I let them know that I will not stand for them talking to me like that, and I demand an apology. I wouldn’t put up with friends who speak to me like that, so why should I allow my family to do so. </p>
<p>None of us are perfect, and we all fail (myself included), but when it becomes chronic, due to stress, that’s another story, and you’ll need to find new tools to work with.</p>
<p>well, to be honest with u all…we just had it out…i was planning to sleep on the sofa downstairs…that made him mad…my reason was casue with his cpap machine, I dont sleep well…so I’d sleep downstairs…geeeeeeeeeeez! it blew up into such an ugly arguement…u know…i just dont’ have the heart…or fight. My dh has had this heart condition for 23 yrs…but it has always been something I could handle. He thinks I’m being remote…and *****y. I am not. But…a long time ago I did protect my heart from what was coming:(
does that seem mean ?
this is hard…i’m downstairs and he stormed upstairs</p>
<p>In just your one short paragraph there, I see so many hurt, scared feelings, on both your parts. Is it possible he’s hit a new level of fear due to this recent heart attack, and isn’t even aware of how scared he is? And by your not sleeping next to him, he may feel alone (what if something happens in the middle of the night and he can’t call out to you downstairs?)? Is it possible you feel hurt because he won’t recognize how much you need some quality sleep, that you need to be renewed each day with enough rest? I don’t know what the answer is, but my guess is that neither one of you is going to sleep well tonight, no matter where you are… but try.</p>
<p>I’m sorry. It is tough and I have no really good advice for you. I am probably somewhat the same with my husband as he has a lot of health problems and, to be quite honest, sometimes I feel angry about them as a lot, in fact all, of them have been caused by his weight. Sometimes I resent that not only will I will end up being alone earlier than I should be, but I see my children’s worry that he may not be around for their weddings and to meet their children. Once my son called in tears saying how much he wants his kids to know their grand dad. It was so tough to hear that. Often I feel mean and guilty for feeling that way, I think it is a self protective thing sometimes. The sad thing is you, like me, probably only think you have protected your heart. I know when my husband nearly died I found I was not nearly as prepared as I thought I was. </p>
<p>I hope you are able to get some rest, and maybe in the morning you can talk.</p>
<p>I think their are just so many emotions mixed up in a situation like this that sometimes the lid is bound to blow off under the pressure. You have Grief for what is happening, which is a loss in a way as it is, after all, a change in your lives and what your future may hold. Fear of both the known and the unknown in what is happening, some anger mixed in, and I am sure deep tiredness at times. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can talk about it together.</p>
<p>thank u all…yes, i am exploding. i want to be here for him…but i feel like its all about him all the time,and no one actually undrestands what the rest of us go thru…i dont even mean me…i mean our kids</p>
<p>hes home…but so snotty…i cant explain it…hes angry too…he had his first heart attack 22yrs ago…which, in our world gets him tons of attnetion, lol
having triplets…heart attack,triple by pass surgery…blah blah</p>
<p>i swear…after all that in the local news…no one wondered how i was…lol
it probably seems babyish…but…no one even asks about the kids or me…and we have a disabled son:)</p>
<p>Sorry, nothing useful from me, just sending you good vibes and calm thoughts. And a couple rambling ideas…</p>
<p>The only bright side to this is that you are probably the only one he feels comfortable enough to ‘let go, and blow up’. He’s scared, and you are the only one he can show that to. So, it’s flattery, in a way.<br>
(I’ll bet that made you laugh, or at least snort.)</p>
<p>I would probably compromise- would go to sleep in another room after he fell asleep.<br>
Have you got anyone to help you with the day- to -day stuff? I don’t know if he will be more civil to you, so maybe there is something you can do for yourself to make it easier?</p>
<p>I can’t even begin to understand everything you are going through. It seems to me in many families it is the wife and mother who is the emotional strength and center for the husband and children, but that sometimes there is absolutely no one really supporting her. It must be almost impossible to always be carrying the entire weight of your world all by yourself. Hope tomorrow is a much better day for you!</p>
<p>also wondering… I know they’ve been tweaking medications. Any possibility that one of his medications is pushing his usual hot buttons into overdrive?</p>
<p>There are just so many possibilities here. I get that he has been like this before, but it always seemed to be on a level that you could handle it. Perhaps you can’t handle it now because it’s stepped up a notch due to his most recent heart attack, or some med changes.</p>
<p>Still doesn’t excuse it, but definitely worth considering if it’s something that can be easily addressed. I also understand the protective nature for your children, and I’m guessing you’re feeling and taking on some of their emotional burden, too. It’s a lot.</p>
<p>Are there support groups for spouses of those who have chronic illnesses in your area? I had a woman in my practice with severe long-term health issues and I referred her husband to a support group and it was life-altering for him which of course helped them a lot as a couple. Just to be with other people who are in the position of being caretakers and to be able to form relationships and give and receive support was enormously beneficial. You might check with local hospitals to try to find one. Is couple counseling an option? I know it’s not okay for people to behave badly but sometimes sick people behave badly because their ability to cope is compromised – as, of course, is yours. It puts a strain on even a very good relationship. A therapist might be able to help you both figure out what you need, communicate what you’re feeling and facilitate difficult conversations that many couples with health issues avoid having. And if he won’t go, maybe you can go. I’m sorry things are so rough for you.</p>
<p>mimk6 - a couple of years ago, I created, as a field education project for part of my theological degree, a support group for people with chronic illnesses, and their families. I ran it for six weeks, through a local church. In my research, I found so few groups existed in our large metropolitan area (Chicago) that I concluded that, for some reason, these groups just do not take off. Most people attend support groups for their specific chronic illness, i.e. arthritis, COPD, etc., because they’re looking for tools to better deal with symptoms and treatment. The next closest support group I could find was over 30 miles away, and again, that was in our large metropolitan area. It’s sad, too, because people need this kind of support.</p>
<p>papengena - while I haven’t done this in over 20 years, I have called a 24-hour crisis center when I just felt I had no tools to cope with at the moment, and had no one I could physically talk to. Sometimes we just need to hear ourselves talk something out, to gain clarity on what step to take next. It is very late in your time zone (mine, too!), so obviously this has you extremely distraught. Call a crisis center… you don’t have to be threatening suicide to do so. Someone there will just listen, and affirm you. I think doing that, via a live voice, might help you find some comfort for tonight, in order that you might be able to sleep.</p>
I completely understood that. It doesn’t seem mean at all to me. It seems like you’re doing what you need to do to cope. I don’t have great words of advice because if I did, I’d use them myself. But I do want you to know that you’re not alone. I also want to reassure you that he has no right to scream at you no matter how he’s feeling. And you have the right to expect him to treat you better. I don’t know how to get him to do it, but at least don’t feel guilty about it.</p>
<p>papengena. You two have worked 20+ years on perfecting this dance. Everyone knows their lines and the next step in the argument. It’s a difficult task to break this sequence alone.</p>
<p>When this blows over go get some counseling for just you. </p>
<p>Do you have any close girlfriends you can unload on in addition to us?</p>
<p>OK…I haven’t read all of this…so if this has been suggested, please just read on. You and your husband need to talk about these “outbursts” with your husband’s physician. There is the possibility that they are related to the heart attack. Please…talk to your doctor.</p>