Here’s the short version of my story, which I’ve mentioned on a few other threads. I’ve been divorced for approximately six months. My ex-h resides approximately 150 miles away with his very elderly, very disabled (by age and illness) parents. Our adult daughters live out of state. They plan to visit me, at my (formerly the family) home, during the holidays. Ex-h knows they’re coming. I’ve encouraged him to make arrangements such that he can see our daughters when they are in state. He acknowledged his desire to do so. His general (long-term, before and since divorce) pattern is one of noncommunication (e.g., not responding to emails, not answering the phone, not initiating communication) and he has difficulty making plans. Last year, for example, he said he would come but then didn’t show up and didn’t call to say he wasn’t coming. So there is a strong possibility that he will not see our daughters when they are here. I feel sad about this. Any tips for barricading my heart during what has become a “will he or won’t he come” tradition? Thank you.
Sorry this is troubling you.
It is really hard as a parent to let our children forge their own adult relationships with folks you know. It may be hard but continue to nourish your relationship with you daughters and let them evolve their patterns with their father. You are absolved of being the coordinator of everything.
Can your kids reach out to him and suggest they go visit him and his parents/their grandparents for an afternoon?? It’s a two way street, right?
They can make a day out of it, sibling time together in the car back and forth?
I’m also thinking, @rosered55, that given his parents’ condition, it might not be easy for him to get away for a day.
All I can offer, besides some long distance hugs for having to deal with the issues with families and such, is that it isn’t your responsibility any more to try and get your H to act responsibly. It would be a bit different if your daughters were still young, but at this point if he doesn’t take on the responsibility of maintaining a relationship with them there isn’t much you can or should do IMO. My advice would be to invite him to share the holiday, but prepare for having the holiday only be with your daughters and yourself (and anyone else you invite over), and if he comes treat it as a plus (for the girls), if he doesn’t don’t think of it as a negative. You can’t change other people, and expecting different behavior from someone with such a track record is only going to lead to disappointment…
Loved this advice from @mominva. It’s true.
It’s fine to invite him (if you’re up for it) but the relationship he and his daughters have (or don’t have) is now up to all of them. Let yourself off the hook.
Thank you for all comments so far. Merely being able to talk about the situation helps. CCers are great!
We all need this advice from time to time. As parents of young kids, we had to be the “coordinator of everything.” But its not a role that should last a lifetime.
“You are absolved of being the coordinator of everything.”
I just shared this on my Facebook page, and SO many people already agree. I’m friends with moms and grandmoms and stressed out young men and women who want only love during this time. rosered55, you’ve only been divorced for 6 months. How about barricading your heart by realizing that this is a new situation, and it won’t feel the same next year?
Unfortunately, while being divorced is relatively new, my ex-h not communicating with me or our daughters, not planning well, and showing much more allegiance to his dad than to me or our daughters goes back a long way. So that’s why this has become a tradition.
“You are absolved of being the coordinator of everything.”
Beautiful words.
When I find myself ruminating and getting very attached to an particular outcome, and IF I recognize it in time, I try to practice non-attachment. This does not always work for me, but boy, do I ever try.
It might take the form of taking a quiet moment to play different scenarios in my head and imaging myself quietly accepting each different outcome in peace.
Or, it might be mumbling to myself over and over again that if X happens, I will NOT let it determine whether I feel happy or not.
Or, some other key phrase such as “His emotions and his problems are HIS to manage. Let it be.”
I get really agitated when dh complains about one of his business partners. If we get to talking about her too much, or if I start to ruminate about how much her decisions irritate the both of us, I’ll try to check myself. Gee, I’m thinking and talking about her so much, why don’t I just invite her over?! Afterall, it’s like she’s been sitting right here next to me all morning long!
These things take practice. Lots and lots of practice. I like to write down little reminders for myself and keep them on my desk.
Good luck.
What do your children want?
I think they’d like to see him. I tend to not bring up the topic of whether he’ll show up when they’re in state, given his unpredictability. If they ask, I will of course tell them as much or as little as they seem to want to know.
This is the most powerful advice I’ve heard in years…
I’m living in your world, @rosered55. Recently divorced from an ex who takes no responsibility for his relationship to his adult children. I had to give up managing him and HIS relationship with his kids. I can be non-judgmental and try to listen to my kids and coach them along. But it breaks my heart that he allows this to happen. Hugs to you.
I felt the same a year ago about my kids’ relationship with their father. I was hurting for my kids, so I was trying to fix it for them, but I came to realization that they were adults and they should be able to decide what kind of relationship they want with their father. The only thing I do now is if there is a conflict between them seeing him vs doing something with me, I would just make it easier for them to see him. They will have the kind of relationship they want. I don’t think there is anything you could do.
Actually, my daughters will have the kind of relationship that their father wants, not the kind they want. I acknowledge this but it still hurts.
All of us can only have the relationship that is mutually desired. It IS painful when a parent won’t make the effort, for whatever reason.
@rosered55 , you’ve gotten great advice from those who have been there. I’m sorry you and your kids are going through this.
But I would add that it appears that he has indicated in every possible way other than outright asking you not to communicate with him that he doesn’t want to talk to you. I think it’s time to let him have what he evidently wants. Your girls can communicate with him directly. You can simply say that he is welcome if he wishes to come, if they wish to invite him. Maybe he will respond to them.
It is sad, but you can’t fix this, and you can’t make him into the father you would prefer them to have.
“But I would add that it appears that he has indicated in every possible way other than outright asking you not to communicate with him that he doesn’t want to talk to you.”
So very true. But this is also the person who, when he does communicate with me, regularly says “You were the best thing that ever happened to me.” So figuring out what this person thinks is nearly impossible. That said, I will not be communicating with him about the issue anymore. It messes with my mind and heart and has no positive results for anyone else.
Which is probably why he now finds it too difficult to talk to you.