“It messes with my mind and heart and has no positive results for anyone else.”
It probably feels the same way to him and that’s why he practices the avoidance. Not the most mature response but the easiest for some people. Easier for them to push it to the back of their mind and not deal with it. But, that’s a reflection on him not you or your daughters. Hugs.
I could not fix anything between my kids and their dad, as there was always active pushback from him over any ideas about much of anything. However when they were overseas, and he was out of contact for months, promising to visit, never did, as well as not communicating via Skype or Gchat I could see their pain and was sad for them. Eventually, he was diagnosed with a dementia and his past behaviors made sense.
Your ex’s avoidance, seen from a mental health perspective, might bring some compassion. Can you state the intent, to no longer be the fixer, to him as well as your kids? Express your compassion for the situation, but as the now ex, you need to step back. Even as not the ex, it might have been time to step back.
As in many of these things, focusing on the present can be healing. There is a book, The Power of Now, that can help you let go. The letting go is painful but that is the process. Let go, over and over. While having compassion for yourself as well as them.
The comment about the mental health perspective brings to mind the mixed messages that I received, during our marriage, from my husband’s therapists: some said I should be helping him, some said that by helping him I was enabling him. So whatever I was doing, someone said that I was wrong or that I was doing the right thing in the wrong way. I do have compassion for people with mental health issues, but I wish the professionals would have more consistent advice (as well as compassion) for the spouses of people with mental health issues.
I think you should encourage your children to drive to their dad’s house for a visit.
150 miles is not too far for a daytime visit, especially with more than one driver in the car.
If that visit goes badly, they know at least they tried. If the visit goes well, then the children can decide how much effort they want to expend to maintain a relationship with their dad in the future.
If dad can’t interact, converse, show emotions when his kids show up at his doorstep, would that knowledge make it easier to move forward ? Make a life with new traditions that don’t include dad?
I would not play this agonizing guessing game every Christmas.
“So whatever I was doing, someone said that I was wrong or that I was doing the right thing in the wrong way. I do have compassion for people with mental health issues, but I wish the professionals would have more consistent advice (as well as compassion) for the spouses of people with mental health issues.”
Not all the “professionals” are good at what they do or right in their advice. Take what works for you, leave the rest, don’t let their advice rattle around in your head, don’t beat yourself up about it, be kind to yourself. I know, easier said than done.
I agree with the suggestion that your daughters travel to see him and their grandparents. My work schedule doesn’t permit me to get away to see my parents during the holidays. But when my kids were in college they drove themselves 275 miles each way to spend a few days with their grandparents and cousins.
That way there is also less chance of parental drama with both of you in the same town: no question of “do we do lunch with both mom and dad?” or “where will we meet dad since he can’t come to his old home?”.
My daughters can use the car if they choose to visit their father. I won’t suggest the plan but I won’t discourage them, either, if they bring it up. My ex-father-in-law is a bully, and I would feel very uncomfortable encouraging them to spend time with him.
I’d tell your kids if they want to see dad at Christmas they need to contact him to arrange, and tell them, anything is fine by you from him coming to your home, them going to his or meeting in the middle. And then your job is done and you can fume in private.
It’s great that you are supporting your kids seeing their dad. I agree…let them do the arranging. They will figure it out…or not.
Better for them to deal with the logistics. If they don’t pan out…you won’t be part of the mix.
My kids’ dad was going to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with his GF without getting together with the girls. D2 said it was not acceptable, so she and D1 decided to celebrate at D1’s apartment with their dad. They are doing xmas tomorrow. I left it up to them figure it out. I baked some cookies for D2 to bring to D1’s apartment. We are doing our normal xmas thing with my family next weekend.
When we first split up, we used to celebrate kids’ birthdays and major holidays together as a family. At some point, my kids told me they preferred not to do that any more. I was glad when they told me because it was rather awkward. I take my cues from my kids as far as what they want to be the new norm.
Thank you again for all the comments and suggestions. At this point, I’m making plans with my family for our holiday get-together. That could well be at the same time as my ex-h plans to come to town (if he is planning to do so), and so it might be that he’ll call to let us know he’s leaving his parents’ home for the 2.5 hour drive and we won’t be here and he won’t see our daughters. Logical consequence, I guess. Ha, just like when I was parenting my children when they were little.
BTW, I don’t fume about my ex choosing to not spend time with our daughters. I cry. What a loss it is for all of them.
My children have had to deal with similar rejection from their father. The final blow was finding out accidentally that he was actually coming to our state to visit his brother, but never even called the kids, nor did any of his siblings ever mention to my kids that their dad was either in town or coming to town…I know this was especially hard on our son who is the one who tries to keep all parts of our much-blended family in touch.
I totally agree with working on letting it go. You’ve given it the college try, in many ways: let it go. The kids are adults and will have to deal with it, with you only as a support system, shoulder to cry on, whatever.
Yes it is all very sad but we can’t fix it, can only offer emotional support and be the best parent we can be.
OP, you are still raw, and angry/hurt, and defensive about it all. Which is where you are right now. I’m not judging.
What a gift you have been given, that this divorce does not involve young children, where you might need to continue coordinating their contact with their father. You literally have almost no reason to initiate contact with him ever again. Maybe financially, around tax season, for a couple of years? Maybe very rarely in case of a health emergency or issue involving a child. But other than that, any contact you initiate is something you want to do, not something you need to do. Think about that.
What a gift I have been given? Yes, I guess one lump of coal in my stocking is better than two.
It is a gift to not be required to ever have to deal with your ex again unless you chose to do so. Your children are adults. You are not required to be the go-between.
Surely you have a few friends (or at least one) who divorced when the kids were little? Who had an ex that wouldn’t work cooperatively to coparent the kids? Who had an ex that actively tried to distroy the childrens’ relationships with the mother? Who had an ex that was actively awful, but had to be contacted and felt with for years?
You have an ex who isn’t doing what you would like him to do, but who you also never NEED to talk to. That is a gift. It may not be the gift you want, but it isn’t a bad gift, either.
I’ll add another perspective. They’re still your girls and you don’t want them to leave this unresolved in their own minds and hearts. They have a lifetime ahead of them and you want them to find some balanced perspective, going forward. Not carry just hurt and disappointment- or anger- through their lives, as well as future relationships.
If it’s at all possible, grit your teeth and find ways to let them know he did (and does?) love them. (Even if you have to admit he’s on his own planet or distracted, whatever.) This is for your girls, not for him. It’s different than trying to arrange a meet or fill in the gaps he leaves.
It may be as small as, every so often, sharing a memory of some good time together, some way he did come through for them, or some asset he has.
I’m eternally grateful my mother did this. Hard as it was for her (and my father caused all sorts of issues,) she gave us that grounding, set aside her own frustrations with him. Best wishes.
“They’re still your girls and you don’t want them to leave this unresolved in their own minds and hearts. They have a lifetime ahead of them and you want them to find some balanced perspective, going forward. Not carry just hurt and disappointment- or anger- through their lives, as well as future relationships.”
This sums it up.
I do not speak negatively to my daughters about their father. I refer to him in conversation when appropriate. But it’s hard to know what to say when, for example, one of my daughters asks, “Has Dad read X book?” Truth: I don’t know because he doesn’t communicate with me. My answer::“Probably not.” Just as it will be hard to know what to say if they ask, when they arrive here at the end of the week, “Is Dad coming?” Based on all the posts above, I think I’ll say merely, “I don’t know.”
OP, I understand what you are dealing with and I also understand what @eastcoascrazy was trying to say. I divorced when my kids were young. I had to work hard to make sure they maintained a relationship with their dad, who they didn’t see much. I never spoke poorly of him, and invited him over every Christmas so he could watch them open presents, etc. But there were times that he was supposed to show and didn’t. And it was very hard to explain that to young kids. It’s a relief now that they are older that I don’t have to deal with that.
If I were you, I’d just be honest with them and when they ask whether their dad is coming, I’d say maybe, but to not expect it and leave it at that. They will work out their relationships with their dad in a way that is comfortable for them. My kids have, and they are still teenagers.
I do take to heart the advice based on people who divorced when their children were young. However, it is also hard to be in a situation in which a parent emotionally and financially abandoned the other parent and the children and the parents stayed married for many years. My difficulty with the holidays this year isn’t new despite that I’ve only been divorced for six months. My ex’s withdrawal goes back many years.