Suggestions for getting my emotional self into a good spot vis-a-vis my children's father

Parent Cafe
41

@rosered55 The sort of comments my mother would make might be about his humor or intelligence or how he built the stairs up the backyard hill. There was no hiding his problems,we knew that.

I’d just ask them if they made any plans to see Dad, while visiting you, as if just to know for your own scheduling. Or, “Why not give your Dad a call?” I understand that may be fruitless. But it backs you out of the equation. If they tried and he didn’t respond, “I’m sorry if it doesn’t work out, but nice you tried.”

I don’t mean to tell you how, I’m just trying to remember some of what my own mother did.
Yes, it’s tough. And it takes time to work out.

42

I definitely think you should straightforward tell your daughters that going forward you will not be coordinating visits with their dad, the ball is in their and his court, or state whatever your new stance is that you are comfortable with.

Just say, it’s really hard for me each year, inviting your father over, never hearing whether he’s coming or not (or whatever) so I’d like you guys to take over coordinating your visits with him. It’s fine with me if you invite him here, just let me know you did, I just won’t assume he is or isn’t coming. I’m here to support you but it’s time for you to take over making the arrangements

My sister does invite her ex to big family gatherings such as Christmas and reunions, sometimes he comes, sometimes he doesn’t, but she just invites and that’s it. If I ask if he’s coming she’ll just say, I invited him, I don’t know if he’s coming. Some of her (very adult) kids stay in touch with him, some don’t.

Along with my kids’ dad cutting them off, most of his side of the family had very little to do with them. I used to make a trip once a year and visit the aunt and uncle, and grandmother, that were in our state. None of them ever made an effort to invite the kids to stay overnight, come back for another visit, etc., even though we regularly read about interactions with other grandchildren in Christmas letters.

When the kids were in their late teens, I told them I’d done my part, it was now up to them to make the effort to continue the relationships. The very last straw, when I cut off my own remaining minimal contact, was when I had to read about a trip Grandma took that brought her literally 3 blocks from my house but she did not call or stop by. By that time she had a great grandchild here she could have seen for the first time. All those years I had driven my kids hundreds of miles so they could know their grandmother (their father, her own son, would not do this) and that was the thanks I got.

The kids kept up varying degrees of contact which seems to have actually improved a little over the years. Grandma never did get to meet that delightful greatgrandchild (her son, the child’s grandfather, has never met her either–now 18 years old).

43

@rosered55

Wrote: “BTW, I don’t fume about my ex choosing to not spend time with our daughters. I cry. What a loss it is for all of them.”

Adding to the other suggestions, mourn the loss for a short time, then let it be. Whereas it might be easy to judge this situation as “bad”, and to imagine a connected father as “better”, no one can really say.

EVERYTHING that happens to us, “good” and “bad”, makes us who we are. Many people rise to the occasion and become a better version of themselves BECAUSE of the suffering and disappointments and hard knocks in their life.

Re: what @eastcoascrazy said upthread, yes, life events that hurt us, or that we wish never happened, can definitely be gifts. It takes practice to see it. And to accept it. It’s not easy. A skilled therapist can help.

Will this situation, which is out of your control, and certainly not your responsibility, continue to make you cry? Or will you find a way to be content and peaceful and happy even though things are not going the way you wish?

It doesn’t mean you have to bury your hurt feelings. You can recognize them when they well up. Oh! Look! There’s my disappointment and desire for things to be different!

Those feelings can have a space on the bench, but they are not allowed to take over & hog it all & make you feel stuck.

You’re too busy for that. You’ve got a life to live. Your daughters want to see you healthy and happy. :slight_smile:

44

Thank you again! I’m taking in and processing all suggestions and support.

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@rosered55 From something you said earlier, I wonder if there is mental illness and/or addiction involved? If so, I wonder if looking into an organization such as Al Anon and/or NAMI might help you and/or your girls deal with his abandonment in a way that encourages a dispassionate understanding of his behavior that makes it clear that it is nothing they have done causes it, and that probably nothing they can do would fix it. It is on him, not them or you.

46

I appreciate being able to vent here. I’m sure the following is true for many people, but let’s just say that being divorced is only marginally easier than being married was. The bad marriage and difficult divorce went on for a long time. I do highly value that by being divorced, I no longer need to worry about getting ripped off financially by my ex-h and his father and I no longer need to worry about getting into legal trouble because of them. But being single is challenging, too. I love seeing my children; however, I always worry that when we’re together, they’ll think that I’m pathetic and see how I’ve failed them, and so I get anxious in anticipation.

47

“I love seeing my children; however, I always worry that when we’re together, they’ll think that I’m pathetic and see how I’ve failed them, and so I get anxious in anticipation.”

Your children are smart. They’re not going to be naive to what you’ve been through. Also, part of maturing is realizing that we’re all human and imperfect. I know that has been true for my kids whether it is bosses, teachers, coaches, and yes, their parents. No pedestals here. :wink: It makes them stronger, develops empathy, independence and resilience - all good things. Hang in there, @rosered55!

48

I think you may be surprised how many of us worry about seeming pathetic to our kids. I know it sounds cliche, but love them as best you can, let them know when you’re proud of them or when something they do touches your heart, and it’ll be ok. After a certain age, they sometimes do think we’re off, (that was last week for me- and with both.)

49

How do you ‘guard your heart’ this Christmas? By expecting your ex to do absolutely nothing. Past behavior is usually a pretty good predictor of future behavior. It sounds like you have several years of past behavior from him indicating that he is totally unreliable at holidays. So don’t expect him to do anything at all, make any sort of effort whatsoever in order to see your kids.

Any effort put in would have to be on your kids’ part. So if they want to see him, then they will have to drive 150 miles to him. And they should be prepared that he will back out at the last minute. Or not even be there when they show up.

Zero expectations.

It was very similar for my DH and his father. When we were first married, we used to wait around for hours for FIL to show up. FIL would appear at least 4 hours past his originally announced arrival time. After a year of that, my DH got fed up and decided that if FIL showed up, that was great, but no longer would he be putting his whole life on hold just because FIL might show up.

Like it or not, your ex will likely NEVER be the sort of dad to your kids that you and your kids want/need him to be. Do yourself a favor and stop the emotional torture and just stop hoping that maybe this year will be different. It won’t.

Since my mother passed away, my father acts in a similar manner to your ex. On one memorable occasion, he said that he’d join our family at Sea World in San Diego. About a week before the trip, he stopped answering the phone and stopped responding to text messages. He never showed up. My kids were devastated and they were in elementary school when this happened. I spoke to him 2 weeks later and his ‘excuse’ was that his wife’s dog was dying and somebody he doesn’t know in their church’s Stephens Ministry group was having a hard time with something and he might have been needed. So the dog and a total stranger took priority. That’s when I stopped inviting him. That’s when I stopped trying. That’s when I stopped giving a care. I don’t wish him ill will at all. I stopped trying to squeeze blood from a turnip and life became a lot easier after that.

50

OP, have you sought counseling? It can be extremely beneficial to talk all of your feelings over with an “outsider.” I think you need to start taking care of yourself now.

51

I have not. I agree that it would be beneficial. Two hurdles I need to cross to get there: 1) my long-time therapist, who saved my life, retired a few years ago and I know that I’ll compare everyone else to her; 2) I work full-time at one job and do freelance work on the side, and my 45-50 hour workweeks leave me not desiring adding more to my schedule. (As to the wisdom of working 45-50 hours per week while taking care of a house and yard, I wouldn’t be doing it if not for the fact I am in my mid-50s and very concerned about having enough money for retirement.)

52

Perhaps your former therapist could recommend someone she likes. Won’t be the same of course, but might save you from going through the hassle of finding a decent fit.

53

Just caught up on this thread and don’t really have any additional advice…just want to send a huge hug to @rosered55.

Sounds like life is a little easier post-divorce but that your new normal is tough too. I hope you can just enjoy having your kids home and relish them time you have with them as well as your family during the holidays. If they’re old enough to live away, they’re old enough to understand that it’s OK for you to excuse yourself from being the one to arrange time with their dad. And, since he’s unpredictable, I agree that you should make your plans and then see if he fits into them (assuming he elects to visit). Sounds like your kids are adults and, painful as it may be, if their dad is going to be (or has always been) distant, then that’s a pain they, sadly, need to learn to manage.

(((hugs)))

54

I work 70-80 hours a week and couldn’t do that without taking time with my therapist. After two years she’s great at helping me keep all the problems in my life in perspective. it took me years to find the right therapist but the only way to find one is to start (and continue) looking.

55

You just might contact your retired therapist and see if she would consider telephone therapy with you.
I recently closed my office after 42 years as a therapist ( not all in private practice) and now see a handful of clients who have been with me for many years just one time a month for ongoing support. I am also available for the occasional telephone session. Just a thought.

56

Thank you, all! I’ve decided to stop initiating communication with my ex-h. I’m firming up plans with my family for our holiday gathering, which will probably be at a sibling’s home, out of town. If ex-h shows up and we’re not here, so be it. If my daughters ask whether their dad is coming to town, I’ll say that I don’t know. I appreciate the suggestions and expressions of support.

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@rosered55, hugs to you. I think you are making a powerful decision. That’s not giving your ex the power over you. Now it’s up to him. Or not. And you can’t control what you can’t control.

58

I’m also engaging in the practical task of having the front door lock rekeyed today, to prevent the home’s former occupant from coming in while I’m not at home. Given that he might come without warning, this seems necessary. Yuck.

59

@rosered55 – that is an absolute must! You mean your ex still had keys to your house? You have given him every chance here. As a divorced mom struggling with many of the same issues, I think you’re doing the right thing.

I went out of my way to invite my ex to our son’s HS graduation. Offered to pay for his place at the graduation dinner; said we didn’t have to sit together if he wasn’t comfortable with that. He refused. Increasingly my kids see through him. I don’t make excuses for his behavior any more. If they want a relationship with him, they can pursue one. It’s not up to me to “broker” a relationship or beg him to call them. Sad, but I’ve kind of made my peace with it. Hope you can too.

60

@rosered55

Smart move about the locksmith. Do update if you contact your former therapist re: a referral or options for continuing via phone or Skype.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Merry Christmas and wishing you the best in the New Year!