For whatever it’s worth, your kids may not value maintaining their relationship with their father as much as you do simply because they’re young. In general, I think that young people are less likely than older ones to understand and appreciate the depth and richness of relationships that last for decades.
@rosered think that is a very good plan. But in your OP you implied that you may have invited him for the holiday – I would at least have one of your D’s let him know you will not be at home for the holiday gathering. Otherwise if he did by chance decide to make the drive it would just really exacerbate the situation.
I might have misimplied. I didn’t invite him. Two months ago, I said, “D1 will be in town from date x to date y. D2 will be in town from date a to date b.” I try to make a point of not issuing invitations, because receiving no response to an invitation feels worse than feeling no response to a statement of fact.
Well, there went that plan. The locksmith came and was able to fix the doorknob but couldn’t rekey the lock; that requires replacing the doorknob, at a cost of $260 (plus the service call charge). So I’m waiting to replace the lock.
It is cheaper to buy your own lock and have it installed.
check with home depot they offer many different services.
Thank you for the home maintenance tips. There are many things I’m having to learn as a single homeowner and yes, I don’t want to ask the former joint owner.
Don’t worry, you learn things with experience. For your car do you have AAA? It is nice to have a number to call if you ever have car issues. For house things it is nice to have an appliance warranty that covers all the appliances, heating, and air conditioning.
^^ good advice, plus I found a local handyman could do all the tasks I used to ask my ex to do. If you don’t know one, ask a neighbor or a local realtor – they know everyone (plumbers, electricians, painters).
I really second AAA. And at least a good, available handyman, who can either fix something or tell you it’s a bigger job.
Ime, the thing about the other-parent relationship is to prevent future regrets. (Big issue among some I know, whether a difficult parent or a friend they lost contact with.) They may not be interested now. But they can do a minimum, a holiday or bday card, occasional attempt to call.
I won’t discourage my daughters from contacting their dad. And if he says he’s coming to town (or even if he doesn’t, but shows up anyway), I won’t turn him away at the door. But I’m uncomfortable with him coming into the house when I’m not here, and I’m uncomfortable pushing them to contact him. If someone has to be the target of his intentional and obvious neglect, I’d rather it were me.
He has no business in your home without your consent, when said consent is expressed by you or expressed to your daughters.
So, this morning I awoke to two emails from my older daughter, telling me that she lost her phone. Ironically (or not), one thing that my children and their father “bond” over is their phones, even though they rarely talk to or text each other. I contemplated letting my ex know but I decided instead to just say in an email to my daughter that she might want to contact her dad. A little while ago, he emailed me to explain what the phone options are. It had the feel of a “tell us what to do, Mom!” message but I decided to not further engage, unless I’m asked directly for my opinion. I’m involved enough by paying for the very expensive cab ride my daughter took as part of her quest to find the phone.
We’re behind you, RR.
OP, you are absolutely capable of changing out the door knobs and installing new locks and deadbolts.
I am not particularly handy, but changed out the front and back door knobs/locks with good sets from Home Depot… Take photos of the inside, outside and side of the door, as well as the door jambs where the lock engages. Take measurements as well. You should be able to find a standard Schlagg or other reputable set at any big hardware store. Ask for help if you need it. Pay attention when you remove the old set, it will give a good idea of how the new set should be installed. Read the directions carefully.
Nothing will make you feel more powerful than changing your own locks!
Update: D2 arrived here on Dec. 23. She mentioned in the car, without me saying anything on the topic first, that she and her sister were thinking about going to see their dad (my ex-h) for one day (not overnight) after Christmas. I asked, “Have you talked to Dad?” She said they hadn’t yet. D1 arrived here on Christmas Day. Late in the afternoon, ex-h called on the home phone. I picked up the phone but didn’t answer; I handed it off to D2; she talked for awhile and then gave the phone to D1.
Ex-h then requested to speak to me. We had a short and civil conversation. He’s not doing well. I feel bad about that but have no influence over the situation. His father antagonizes and alienates people, including his children and grandchildren; ex-h’s siblings give lip service to helping out but rarely follow through because they don’t get along with their father. While we were still married, I helped out as I could and I encouraged ex-h to ask his siblings and other people for help, but there was a lot of resistance. It is hard to know that my ex-h is suffering.
D1 and D2 just left for the 2.5-hour drive. I sent some food with them (a casserole and cookies that I made). I also sent a box of chocolates from my ex-FIL’s favorite candy store. I had bought three boxes to give to people in my family but the girls agreed with me this morning that it would be nice to give one to ex-h and his dad. (His mom is alive but in the late stages of Alzheimer’s; I don’t think she can eat solid food.)
I appreciate the suggestions and support I’ve received here.
You handled that nicely. Hope you enjoy the rest of the time with the girls. xx.
Yes, @rosered55, nicely done. Your ex sounds like he has a lot on his plate. Sending the chocolates and casserole is a kind gesture and one your daughters surely notice and appreciate. I’m glad your ex called his girls on Christmas and that they are going to visit.