What can we do??? I have connections to two completions and one attempt in the past four weeks. Kids, aged 17 to 20, from good families with lots of support. My 17-year-old daughter is really struggling with all this horrible news. Suicide leaves a wake of destruction that affects MANY people. The latest suicide was a boy in my daughter’s HS senior class. I’m heading over now to a gathering at the school.
My daughter was supposed to go to the wedding of her cousin in NYC on Thursday, but she’s decided she would rather stay at home, close to her friends. I told her whatever she needs to do, that’s fine. She IS seeing a counselor, thank goodness. The counselor lost a close friend to suicide when they were in their early 20s.
When my kids were in high school, there were occasional suicides, and when they were in college, I was aware of kids my kids knew, who had psychiatric illnesses and were being treated, but since they’ve been out of college, I don’t hear that information from them anymore, so I don’t know if they have friends who are struggling or not - I sure hope not. Late teens/early adulthood does seem to be a prime age for this to happen (if you don’t take into account how many veterans suicide each day). So it’s been a while since I’ve known personally of anyone who has suicided and that worries me because I wonder who is going to be the next person that I think to myself afterwards ‘I had no idea they were struggling so much’. There’s no way around it, it’s going to impact us all at some point or another, and multiple times in our life time. All I can hope for is much better mental health coverage for those who need it. There are SO many holes in the system.
Wow, I am so sorry for your daughter. I am glad she is seeing a counselor.
A close family member killed himself a few years ago. It was and still is painful. I talked to my kids about it and will have to keep raising the topic periodically. I feel like in hindsight we should have known but was not close enough to beat myself up over it. Closer relatives will never forgive themselves.
IMHO, the key thing is to teach people–everyone, adult OR child–to RUN FOR HELP if someone threatens suicide. It’s not tattling. It’s not betraying a secret. It’s getting help. Don’t leave the person alone if you can avoid it.
FIVE (male) friends from my high school years killed themselves over a period of four years, from 1970 to 1974. Two of them were probably gay. The first one was kept a deep secret (reported as an accident)… but we all knew. His death was hidden. Four more in that cohort died before the wave ended, and that entire group is still affected by it. I’m still affected by it.
We recently experienced this in our family. The young person had been in therapy for years including out patient and also residential treatment. Several attempts occurred during the high school years. This child wanted to die and I don’t think anything was going to change their mind. Devastating to us all, especially since another family member died in the same way ten years earlier.
My kids have known several peers who have ended their own lives and so have I. It is so sad and hard to understand.
Like dmd77 said, I suspect my dear high school classmate who ended his life by setting himself on fire in the middle of the Arizona State football field was gay and did not know how to deal with it in 1970.
I don’t know how you bring someone back from the level of despair that leads to this action. I wish I had a solution. I think in some cases the person is just so distraught (or under the influence of a substance) that they are reckless and this results in death.
None of us can really understand or imagine the pain that drives some folks to take their own lives. They truly see it as the best solution and really have no understanding of how it will devastate those many who love them. Suicide hotlines can be small part of the answer but figuring out a way to reduce stigma associated with mental illness and help people get GOOD and effective mental health counseling in a timely manner is so crucial.
I have lost loved ones to suicide–it has taken its toll on family members and those near and dear.
The candelight vigil tonight was touching but sad. Almost every young person that spoke said, “I didn’t know *** well, but he had a nice smile and always opened the door for everyone…” Not a SINGLE kid said, “*** was my friend.” Several students mentioned how terribly shy he was. I just sobbed during parts of it. I was glad it was dark outside!
Oh @MaineLonghorn. I am feeling grief reading this thread, but your last post – no friends? That makes it all seem even worse, if that is possible. Poor kid.
Very sorry @MaineLonghorn. Contagion is the issue that everyone worries about in these instances. Parents should do what they can to make sure the high school consults the best experts in the area immediately, and that students and teachers are given space and time to process what has happened. The effects are far-reaching, and last longer than anyone can imagine.
When D’s classmate ended her life 18 months ago the school brought in a lot of support. In the first week afterwards, classes were relaxed (students were permitted to skip, with restrictions), tests were postponed. The school and families of classmates were pretty much focused on getting the students and teachers through the viewing, and then the funeral. For many students, it was the first time they had ever seen a deceased person, let alone a peer. A meeting was held specifically for parents where an expert addressed rates of suicide, suicide contagion, and appropriate interactions between parents and children following a classmate’s suicide.
What helped D during this time was spending a lot of time with her friends. DW and I checked in on her frequently by text, and checked with the parents of peers at the homes where the kids were gathering. We told her in a straightforward way that we need to check in with her a lot more frequently, and she understood. We spent a lot of time with parents that week, eating together and talking. Sometimes kids were upstairs, parents were downstairs eating. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.
The school acknowledged “a new normal.” They let the kids grieve, but made efforts to keep the kids from glamorizing the act in any way. It was really a fine line that had to be walked. They established a weekly support group for any students who felt the need to attend. About a dozen did so, with a handful drifting in and out of the group as they felt the need.
I give the school a lot of credit for their efforts. Even so, within three months a second student died by suicide. It was not a close friend of the first, but they were acquainted. It was devastating for a HS of only 400. I think about those two students nearly every day.
I’m sitting here at the computer thinking of the people in my life who have either ended their own lives or talked about it, and I’m just…I wish I had even an inkling of what to do to help them find their way through the darkness.
This is not just a young adult thing. Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of H’s brother’s suicide attempt. He did die, two days later. He was in his late 50’s when he died, had a good job, was married and had an adult child who was married and just had his first grandchild. His kid found him, got him to the hospital and felt very guilty that they hadn’t prevented it or hadn’t got there just 10 minutes sooner and maybe the doctors would have had more time to save him.
It just devastated all of us, especially H. He went into a tailspin and I thought we were going to lose him, too. I still keep an careful eye on him and get hyper if he doesn’t answer his phone if he has been especially upset.
Very very sad. My biological father (I never knew him) committed suicide, and my mother tried to commit suicide. I have never had any suicidal thoughts, but I worry about my kids, because It seems like depression runs in both sides of my family. Mental illness is very real. It’s frustrating, because even the people who have it sometimes don’t treat it like they would an illness such as cancer or even the flu.
The thing about depression is that can feel/seem like a character flaw to the depressed person, and often to others.
I live in the same school district–2 neighboring towns–as MaineLonghorn and so far the name of the boy has not been released to the local press, only that he was a male and a senior. The fact that it was a suicide is not stated, only that it was “unexpected.” I would assume that everyone at the HS knows, as do their families. I think it is very difficult to decide how to release this kind of information, lest a cluster ensue, especially in this age group.
People need connections, anchors to life. If it’s a teen can I suggest getting a pet they can bond with. That unconditional love and joy that a pet (specially a puppy) can give, and the responsibility of caring and walking and playing with one can take a person out of that intense funk state of mind where nothing but ending it all matters.
Edit: also imo important to let teens express the natural anger they may feel if a friend / acquaintance commits suicide. It is in some ways a very selfish act (and I only blame the depression itself). Can’t bury those feelings.
A good primer is the book Night Falls Fast, Understanding Suicide. It’s surprising, there are so many different ways to get there, not just through depression.
When the husband of a friend killed himself 2 years ago, I also found a some good books, one for teens about what to do/cope when a friend completes a suicide and another about what the research shows on completed suicides and how people build up toward a very difficult act. Don’t have the titles on me at the moment.
I think the nation needs to commit to public health education about suicide and about mental illness. Also, to teaching kids anti-bullying, social skills and friendship community building, coping and resilience, and conflict resolution. Parenting education, family strength development. Training media how to cover issues related to suicide (AP recently advanced its guidelines for covering suicide.) Treating and destigmatizing mental illness for all, including getting folks with mental illness out of juvie and prisons as appropriate. Fixing the ills of society, like child abuse, rape, poverty, racism.
A HS friend committed suicide 37 years ago. There were no counsellors, school went on as normal, someone in my CCD class called him a loser (I’ve never forgiven that guy). We, his friends, were devastated. In the next 2 years, 3 more from the extended circle also killed themselves, all using the same method. To this day I hold a piece of my heart for him.
Making sure that there is help for anyone and everyone with a connection is so important. I don’t really understand why the suicide rates go up in the ‘circle’, but they do.
I wish I’d been able to see and help.
Since no one posted that they were worried that the souls of the departed went to hell, perhaps what would be more useful is what helps those with friends or family of those who have killed themselves, rather than suicide prevention. I also think not every person who commits suicide wants “help.”
But I don’t want to be antagonistic so I won’t post again in this topic.
In response to post #18, teenagers in particular make rash decisions that they often come to regret later. For suicide victims, however, there is no “later.” Steps should be taken at all schools to train staff and students in the recognition of warning signs, and in best practices for helping potential victims. The possibility of saving a life is one reason to do this. And saving the school from going through what could potentially be months of emotional turmoil in the aftermath of a completed suicide is a secondary reason.
Whether a person is a drug addict, a person contemplating ending their life, a person who suffers domestic abuse, or whatever, whether or not they “want help” at a particular moment should not be the deciding factor in whether intervention occurs. Preventing a person from doing harm to themselves or others should always be a priority.