This was my second holiday season without Mom. After extensive maintenance and renovation on her house, we moved in at the end of October. It was hard for me. I really wanted to move away - like, really away. I had never lived in the house before but it still felt like Mom’s even though we have repurposed the rooms and arranged the furniture much differently within those rooms.
The first year after her passing I just felt numb and there was so much that needed to be done before the end of the year (RMD, etc.). This year it just felt like I spent a lot of time thinking about what I should be doing - things like baking dozens of cookies, mainly because I always had. Finally D told me I was placing too many expectations on myself and that she and H really didn’t expect all of that - it was all stuff I’d done for Mom. Once I quit worrying about how many kinds of potatoes would be served at a meal I felt a lot better.
I miss the joy my parents had that surrounded the holidays. It’s tough for me to be joyful in the best of circumstances.
MY FB memories had my long post from mom’s time getting out of ICU and into a room. I don’t know why reading these posts makes me cry. I don’t feel like I’m so sad without my mom the way some people talk about missing their loved ones, but it does remind me of what a stressful time it was and how exhausted and worried I was.
Also today was the funeral for her youngest sister. It was several hours away so I didn’t go, but my siblings did as it was much closer to them. I talked to my sister, and she said that two of my mom’s three remaining siblings were there. One no longer leaves her house. Her baby brother has dementia. My sister isn’t sure that he recognized her, although he definitely recognized his sister so that’s good. I can’t believe that my mom’s siblings – there were 15 at one point – are down to three. It just makes me sad.
Hugs to you. Some days just have too many reminders, and some of that never goes away, maybe.
My son was seriously ill as a child ( as in, doctors sat us down and told us gently that he was likely to die) and yesterday was the day we took him to the hospital 200 miles away. I cried over some nonsensical reminder & it has been more than 15 years. (He is all grown now, take that evil disease)
Some scars hurt when the world pokes them. hang in there
My doctor is working on a new diagnosis with me ; as part of (and unrelated to) that she went through that “are you depressed X days a week” questionnaire and like an idiot I said something revelatory and now she is pushing therapy. And I said no thank you, I think I am sad a lot because LOOK AT THE WORLD and my dad is (in my head) barely gone and my mom is (in my head) practically gone so how exactly else would I be?
I feel like my grief is an actual object that she wants to take from me to make me “better” and I don’t want it taken from me. Now I am wondering if that’s normal. DH , for his part, says he thinks I am doing just fine under the circumstances and my doctor is just trying to fix a problem because that’s what doctors do.
This is really interesting to me. As I’ve posted before, I’ve done two stints of short-term therapy, starting when my mom had her fall and I was having to deal with my siblings. It helped IMMENSELY.
For the past week or so, I’ve considered going back to therapy and get her thoughts on whether I should get on anti-depressants. I just know that I don’t like the way I feel right now. Is it mom’s death last year? Political climate? Changes I’m making in myself, which are difficult but worth the struggle? I don’t know. But I do know that how I’m feeling isn’t my normal, and I don’t have a problem getting help for that, whatever that help looks like.
@greenbutton, I, of course, can’t speak to whether you need or would benefit from therapy, but I hate to think of you out there white-knuckling it through life. I don’t know you, but I care about you.
ETA: If anyone has experience with antidepressants, good or bad, feel free to PM me or post here if you are willing!
I took Lexapro after my nephew’s death in 2015. It did help me. BUT I started experiencing tinnitus after being on it for awhile. When I googled it, tinnitus is a known side effect. If I had realized that, I would NEVER have tried it. The benefit I got from the med is greatly outweighed by having ear ringing the rest of my life. (It doesn’t stop when you get off the med.)
So research side effects carefully before starting any med, and talk to your doctor about any concerns.
I understand your side. And I hope you expressed that with your doc.
Try to look at this as glass half full. She was offering up something to help you based on your responses. It would not be ethical of her to ignore your responses. In fact there is likely a bit of a “if the patient says this, then recommend that” scale to her questioning.
Some people may need and want the therapy but not consider it an option until presented. You are a patient of one and the doc has many - some who may say “no thanks not now” like you and others who say “yes, PLEASE”.
Also remember that therapy is not necessarily for “fixing” - it is often for tools for managing grief, depression, anxiety, whatever - but not to fix or erase.
I took Lexapro for a zillion years, until a year or so ago when circumstances in my family were getting me down. My pcp suggested Effexor which has been very effective. It did make me sleepy so I take it at night now. All generic, of course and relatively small doses.
and I get that – I don’t have an objection to therapy per se. DH and I have had brief stints years ago (I did not find it helpful) and so has one of our kids (who it was invaluable for). I think mental health care is important and shouldn’t ever be stigmatized.
I just wish I could say to a doctor, heck yes I am sad, look at all of this, and not have them jump up with Zoloft and a referral. Paying someone to watch a clock, validate my feelings and say I need to meditate or exercise or get enough sleep seems like failure right now. And as I said, my grief is mine to hold or release? Goodness, this sounds dysfunctional even to me.
My dad was on Prozac for about a decade. It was a game changer and I wish he would have started sooner. I have other family members who’ve done antidepressants and you really have to look in to side effects, and be prepared to switch to a different drug or dosage as part of the process of feeling better.
I have talked to counselors at key points in my life and found them to be an ok sounding board. I agree that counseling can be great for the right folks who welcome it but not do much for others.
I will say this. I have a wonderful husband and a happy marriage.
I’m not sure he’s great at thinking therapy is helpful or good at determining if I was depressed or not. He’s just not good at that. He’s more of a fix your own problems, not very good at looking at mental health issues.
I think it might be because he doesn’t think that way or he doesn’t struggle so has no clue.
@greenbutton I’m sorry that your doctor didn’t “get” you better. From previous threads, I am not at all surprised that you are open to therapy and/or meds under the right circumstances. Just another thought, not for you but to put it out there, that groups, whether led by a professional or strictly collective self-help, can be effective for those who are grieving.
I started taking Lexapro back in 2014 and concurrently met with a therapist. It was incredibly helpful. A huge part of therapy being helpful is finding a therapist you connect with. I met with her regularly until 2019 as I navigated a number of extremely difficult family issues including my son’s prison sentence (blaming myself for being a terrible mother) and my guilt over my sister’s death, thinking it would have been better if I was the one who had died. It was never “you should do this” - often we never spoke directly of those very issues that brought me to her. It was more exploring why I thought so little of myself - what contributed to those feelings and how could I better address those feelings. It 2020 I switched medications to generic Cymbalta as one of the benefits is pain relief as well as treating major depressive disorder. Most days I feel pretty good but there are still days where I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness that my entire family of origin is gone. Feeling sadness over the death of your loved ones can be situational. If the sadness is deeper than that, well, it might be worth trying therapy. I am considering some sessions again as stress and anxiety can cause health issues, including high blood sugars.
The other thing I would add - I’ve spent my whole life being the responsible one in the family, feeling that I had to fix things. A favorite line from my Dad was basically quit feeling sorry for myself. My parents didn’t believe in antidepressants or therapy. Sometimes it’s not just feeling sad or sorry for yourself - your brain needs a boost! I spent many years inflicting a brutal diet and exercise routine on myself, yet I am now a diabetic. Well, my pancreas isn’t working correctly- just like my brain didn’t. “Perking up” won’t fix that. Sorry for off topic meandering, but meds and therapy can help. It won’t take away your grief, but it will help you to not be paralyzed by it.
A million years ago in pharmacy school there weren’t many antidepressants on the market and most had some significant side effects. They all take about three weeks to work-about the same time as situational problems may resolve themselves.
So the first question before starting any meds was always “do you have specific reasons to be depressed?” if yes, the better solution was time (esp for grief) and problem solving.
