Thanks, everyone, for sharing.
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I went on Effexor when I was first diagnosed with leukemia because the drug of choice at the time was Interferon, which caused severe depression in patients. My first oncologist wouldn’t let me start interferon til the Effexor was established. When I switched docs and meds, she also wanted me to stay on it. After the heart attack, they pulled me off the Effexor because of the cardiac risk. Have now been on a low dose of Paxil for the past 12 years. Have also done therapy for many years as a way to help my kids cope with my health issues and to have an empathetic sounding board. (H is a great guy and is magic with logistic and tasks he can DO in a crisis. Being emotionally available for that kind of work, not so much. He has his own family trauma, and won’t see a therapist.) My therapist retired almost two years ago and I decided to see how things went without her. My current therapist(s) are my new hobby – houseplants.
Have been tempted to return to therapy recently with everything that’s going on in my role as synagogue president, the universe, challenges with my 88 yo dad and worry about S2 and DIL in Ukraine, but it feels like the therapy landscape has changed. Not sure how to approach it yet.
When my mom passed away I found saying kaddish to be immensely helpful. Spent a little time every day during the service to think about things and resolved a lot of conflicts in my head. I was concerned that I wasn’t racked with grief and that I should have been, but saying kaddish (for my Catholic mom) let me sort through it, bit by bit. By the time I finished (eleven months) I was pretty much at peace.
Tears and sadness can be extraordinarily therapeutic. Grief, in whatever form it takes, is part of the peacemaking/resolution/acceptance process. One of the biggest things I learned in therapy is not to shove my emotions down (they wind up as food in my stomach, for one thing). My dad once said, “We don’t express bad feelings in this house.” Good grief, truer words were never spoken about my family.
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Today is my mom’s first birthday since her death. I cried yesterday but am good so far today. I miss calling her and hearing what number I was – she kept a tally of who called and when! I always told the kids they need to be in the single digits, if they could! Her BIL almost always would be first, because he’d call at 6:30! They were both early risers. 
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During April, all I could think was how this year was bringing back many painful memories of past years. DH (deceased) and I were married in April. My grandfather died in April. Many years ago, in April, my mother informed me that she was no longer doing any cancer treatment. And DH had a horrible hospital stay in April the year he was diagnosed.
Then my father died on May 1. (See other posts!)
Funeral planning, funeral, Mother’s Day, my birthday all crammed in.
And I knew I didn’t feel grateful. Birthday gifts and condolence “things” made me feel angsty — so many “thank you” notes to write.
I’ve caught up on the 3-sentence thank you notes (sorry for the brevity!) and my path is looking clearer.
I’m suddenly in touch with a college friend, whose husband seems to be in his last days. I can help by being her (experienced) friend. I’ve stayed on a community youth sports board because my job there is defined and I can provide institutional memory. My work situation is a bit fraught but the agita confirms my decision to retire at the end of June.
Gratefulness is returning. I’m refocusing. I’m looking forward to June.
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I was not sure where/how to post this, but I have been on this site for over 16 years and I do want people to know…
My husband had surgery in March and a rare, aggressive cancer was found. Malignant, Stage 4. He spent 2.5 months in the hospital (mostly ICU) with 2 short stints in a rehab facility.
He passed away peacefully last weekend.
So far I am doing OK. I have had a lot of support from family and friends, but I honestly think it’s still not real to me yet. I will be going through this thread later when I have time.
Just wanted to let you know.
Note: please do not PM me. Thanks.
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Oh, I’m so, so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I’m so glad you have support. I will keep you in my prayers.
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@FallGirl after 16 years, we are your friends too. Thank you for letting us know. I am sending virtual hugs, energy and support. Sometimes venting anonymously is immensly helpful.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you have the support of your family and friends during this difficult time. Take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.
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@FallGirl I am so sorry for your loss. Support is here for you also if you need/want. I went through this just under 2 years ago, so understand. I found sometimes the anonymous post were more helpful than those of close friends and family.
Sending virtual hugs.
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I’m so very sorry to hear the sad news. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. sending lots of virtual hugs.
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Adding my voice to the chorus. My heart goes out to you.
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Oh, I’m so sorry. I know that you wanted him to be there for the birth of your grandchild. Come back when you are ready. We are here for you.
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More support coming from another virtual friend.
I am so, so sorry 
A peaceful death is a blessing.
Keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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Thanks for letting us know. May you have peace (and stamina) in the coming weeks and months.
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I’m so sorry to hear this. Wishing you and your family peace and comfort. 
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Oh no! So very sorry for your loss. We are your community.
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May memories of your loved ones bring you peace and comfort at this challenging time.
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@fallgirl, I am so, so sorry to hear this. Please take your time. We are here when you are ready. May you be comforted and supported well during this time.
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Oh no – I am so sorry. It was good for you to come to this thread, and let us know. We’ll be thinking of you and the road ahead.
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I am so sorry. May his memory be a blessing. I am glad you posted–to give the community the opportunity to sympathize and empathize. I hope our responses are helpful, whenever you have the bandwidth to look at this thread. 
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