Hugs to you! So good you are going out.
My advice would be to take your cues from the H. You may just need to do a lot of listening. I’d also offer to stay with your friend if he need some breaks.
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So kind of you to help
In a similar situation with an ill person being cared for at home I sat with her overnight. Knowing that I was awake and would get them if necessary allowed the family to sleep. Before I arrived they had been sleeping fitfully either in the room with her or with a baby monitor.
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So many people run away from these difficult situations. I so admire you for going.
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In my experience, not all conversations need to be about the situation.
Talk about a book you are reading or a movie you saw.
Don’t ask what you can do to help; see a need and ask if they want you to do…-- for example: shall I sit with Jane while you go to the store, or I can go to the store, if you prefer..
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You are very kind to go. I would plan to listen more than talk, but be prepared with some happy topics and especially nice memories to help the conversation. My advice would be don’t ask a lot of questions and expect the husband (or even her) to make decisions.
For example, instead of saying “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help with breakfast” say “how about if I go get us bagels and cream cheese,” for example. Suggest what you can do - “unless it bothers you, I’m going to start the dishes…” or vacuum the floor, or whatever you’re comfortable doing.
Honestly, just going when she asked you to is a huge gift.
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Agree to volunteering to do specific tasks instead of “what can I do?”
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Just seeing this very sad news. Please know that so many of us are thinking of you and your family. Sending virtual hugs…
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Several friends and family members came and stayed with me when H was in the hospital. It was nice to have someone home in The evening with me. We ate together, drank a lot of wine and talked a lot ( about everything!)
Agree with specific suggestions for helping. Also it’s good to have 1-3 people at a time and spread out visits a bit. I was able to slip out a bit in the afternoon and let others be with H for awhile.
I know your friend will appreciate your being there.
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@FallGirl, I’m sorry the evenings are so quiet for you. This will be the “new normal” for a while, I guess. I hope you will eventually discover how to make the evenings tolerable and, maybe, even enjoyable. Hugs to you.
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Arisamp….When DH was sick, I had a fantasy that I would come home from the hospital and find the bed made, dishwasher emptied, and rooms lightly picked up!
Any way you can pitch in will be greatly appreciated.
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May not be possible, but if you have a chance to reminisce… laughter can be the best medicine.
Sidebar Story: We ran into old friends, of all places at Sam’s Club last year. (On Memorial Day weekend, we first drove to Costco because in the mood for a hot dog and found it to be closed… and kudos to them for giving employees holidays off.) The wife had been struggling with cancer for at least a few years, and we might not have even recognized her. But we saw the husband first and decided to sit down and have hot dog lunch together. After a few minutes, the old familiar persona surfaced… she had same voice, same good hearted laughter. We heard about their various fun trips (Viking was a favorite) and how the diligent husband learned to dismantle her walker and pack it into the checked luggage. Told stories of the old days at work together. She died a few weeks later, and we cherish that chance opportunity.
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Thanks for the advice. A sad update is that we lost my friend this morning. H and I were able to go down and spend all last week at their house with her H. He kept to his usual routine of heading down to the hospital each day, but we were there to keep him company in the morning and in the evenings. Talk, take a walk, get him to eat. My friend was up and down all week, but we did get in to visit her one day and had a good hour chatting and laughing. Somehow didn’t think the end was so close - but there it is. So glad we were able to spend the time with him and we’ll be headed down there again next week for the services. Feel bad that we are not there right now - but perhaps best that he and the kids have some privacy/alone time.
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It sounds like you had all had some nice quality time together. That can’t always be arranged (depending on the ailment and related circumstances), but so glad it worked out for you.
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It’s not the first few weeks that are the hardest. In our experience, it is the middle months, when other people get “tired” of grief. So show up then, send cards then, call him then, because he will be grieving for a long time. It’s a marathon.
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Just saw this very sad news. I hope the celebration of life was meaningful and comforting to you and yours. And that you are doing OK with this new normal. So very sorry for your loss.
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And for me not the big holidays that you prepare for (Mother’s day, a birthday, Christmas) but the little ones like the first day of fishing season, a football game you always watched together, a call from the person on your birthday (not their birthday).
Try to just stay in contact on a ‘little’ day.
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This weekend is not only Father’s Day, but H’s birthday. Both of his sisters have already sent me texts saying they know it will be hard for me and sending their love. My sister is in town and staying with me. I’m so glad.
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Sold H’s car today. I don’t need 2 cars.
But it makes me sad. Somehow this is harder for me than getting rid of his clothes.
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This hits. My 30yo has my father’s 20yo truck, and it’s costing him a fortune in repairs. We are all having trouble letting it go.
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I can imagine this is hard. It’s not just a car, it’s an empty spot in the garage or driveway. It’s something that is noticeably gone more than clothes in a closet.
You have done a lot in a short period of time. I hope you are hanging in there because none of it is easy! 
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