In a not-contentious situation this might not be an issue because your sib would trust for you to share information post meeting with her. Maybe you would even bring decisions to her and together you’d make them.
That is not what you are dealing with. Your sister is going to look to throw her two cents and more into every conversation, step of the process.
Your mom named you for a reason - and that does not include trying to be talked into switching to your sib as mom aged. That makes me feel like your sib was trying to take advantage of your mom - don’t let her do that to you.
Do what you have to do to get through this period of paperwork and decisions. Post-period maybe you both take a break from each other and time will tell if you can improve your relationship or not. But eye on the executor prize for now - which is getting the work done!
I agree with the other posters that said to let the attorney be the bad guy here. I have a friend with a similar situation with a difficult sibling. Friend was upfront with the attorney about the dynamics. The attorney didn’t bat an eye. Remember they have seen it all! They are going to be sure that things are done legally.
Will your sister be madder if she finds out about the meeting after the fact? Or madder beforehand when she learns she cannot attend? I’d pick the “leastmad” option, which will be dependent on the people involved.
I think the problem seems to be that if she knows about it beforehand, she’ll crash the meeting. Or otherwise agitate things. Executors aren’t required to consider everyone’s desires/feelings as part of just getting the necessaries done. My DiL’s mom was like this about the wedding – she had to be kept in the dark about everything until the last minute, when she (as predicted) had a massive meltdown. She would have had it either way, but at least the weeks before, DIL had some peace of mind.
One thing that hasn’t been mentioned…and really is not in the control of the executor…if beneficiaries have been named, and funds dispersed to them, it is very possible that the estate won’t be evenly split…because that is not what the parent dedicated their accounts to.
For example, in my family, there are four of us. One received the house (we knew this was deeded to her because our dad had a conference call with us about it…but that might not have been the case if he hadn’t initiated the call). So…that estate wasn’t exactly equally distributed. BUT we all get along well, and we all didn’t expect this to be any different.
I knew a family where the parents had life insurance policies and each of their kids was a beneficiary of one. But they were not equal amounts. There was nothing in the will that indicated that the estate should be somehow made equal for all. And it wasn’t.
@deb922 i think you are doing a fabulous job getting things done. It hasn’t been that long since you lost your mom. This isn’t an easy task.
Your sister sounds like my brother. Trouble wherever he could make it. Didn’t matter that I gave him many thousands of dollars that was legally mine from checking and savings accounts that were in my and my dad’s names only (I had been handling paying dad’s bills for years, and DH and I were the co-successor trustees and I was the executrix of the estate) because I felt it was the right thing to do. I gave my brother the same percentages from those accounts that dad had authorized be done from his other accounts. He still made trouble. Plenty of it. No thank you. No pleasing him. Take care of you and what you need to do to handle the estate. Minimize the hassles where you can.
I’m so sorry @deb922 ! You are doing a great job and your sister sounds like a pill. It’s fine to make the FA and attorney the bad guys. They’re quite used to it. Good luck moving forward and carrying out this important and challenging task.
Fascinating. My sister and I were both made executors of our father’s estate. I “surrendered,” or “stepped back,” or whatever officially, and let her handle everything. First: She was an estate attorney and knew what she was doing. Second: She is the most honest, ethical person I know. Three: She provided me with all sorts of documentation about what he had, how it was divided, how much we each got. I’d let her do it again in a heartbeat.
You may want to look up and see if the state your mom was in has any lengths of time that must be met. I assume they are longer than you would like to take to get everything done, barring significant issues. Then when your sister complains, let her know you’re doing due diligence and taking the job seriously, and you have X amount of time to get it done, so.. relax, step back, whatever you would like the message to be. Don’t let her pressure you to make decisions you’re not ready to make.
I hope you can get through this and still have some kind of relationship. I’ve seen things go both ways. My H’s family managed to get through everything with no hard feelings, but another person close to me had serious issues related to how things were handled and who made decisions (saddest part was the gov’t got something like 55% of the many millions the deceased person had).
I thought for my own sanity I’d update how things are going lol
Firstly, it’s March in Michigan. We had a sampler of spring, currently we are having a major winter storm where we may get significant ice which is the worst. I am positive that this isn’t great for anyone’s mental health!
I have meetings scheduled tomorrow with the financial advisor and the lawyer who drew up the will. I have questions for them and hopefully will have a plan going forward
Things with my sibling are going better, she seems to be sharing the information that I need. I told her that we need to keep the bank account open, she agreed but wants to divide up the money in that account end of April. Seems too soon to me.
Now for me! Is it common to rethink how your life is going? I’m feeling unsupported, by my irl friends. By my husband who isn’t great at being introspective. Who actively does not like my side of the family. He will not hear of any criticism of his family, yet he’s very critical of mine. My marriage will get through this. Right now I’m just trying to get through what I need to.
But my irl friends? I’m not so sure. I’ve felt this way for a long time. They differ in age, politics and interests. I’ve never really felt seen in this community, my mom’s passing has magnified the differences. The weather isn’t helping.
@deb922 hang in there. Right now, you have a lot on your plate, and you are doing a great job. And remember, it’s only been a very short time since your mom passed away.
@deb922 : Big changes like what you’re going through often bring big changes in other things as well. Of course you’ll deal with what’s in front of you right now, and when the dust settles you’ll reasses your IRL friends and decide if they work for you anymore. There are a lot of people in the world. If these people aren’t “your” people, you’ll figure out who is.
I’ve found that IRL, I have friends who don’t know how to deal with death or what to say to be supportive. I found it hurtful and isolating too but learned gradually to find support and community elsewhere. Not easy when you are newly bereaved though and are looking to your people to lean on! I’m sorry @deb922.
Unless your friends have gone through these situations they don’t really have a good grasp of what you’re going through. That’s really what this thread is for–I know we’re only virtual friends but shared experiences make a world of difference in being able to relate to what others may be feeling.
I have developed a litmus test for my friends – they have to have 3 attributes for me to consider them a close friend. That is: 1. They must be kind, 2. They must be authentic and 3. They must be there for me when I need them. I can be friendly with people that don’t have all 3, but I don’t invest much in those relationships. I pass this on in case it is helpful
