@deb922 I’m confident whatever changes in your life that may ensue (for instance, your friends) will be for the better.
You may land in exactly the same spot as now but your head more mentally clear and with the same friends and sometimes unsupportive family - what you have known and loved but perhaps with a little more perception on those relationships.
Or this chapter of going through some losses - your FIL and your mom - may bring some clarity as to what @deb922 wants now. What makes you thrive and be happy. Who you want to hang out with. What you are ready to say goodbye to and what you are ready to say “hello!” To.
I don’t think having those thoughts is unusual. I also wouldn’t drop all your friends and empty your calendar in one fell swoop.
My dad died when I was 37. He was 15 years older than my mom, he died at 76. I remember having a mental breakthrough of “we only have one life to live - live it your way there are no do overs” - it may sound silly, but I truly took that to heart and it has been a guiding mind thought over the past 30 years.
@deb922 , my mom had a very very simple estate, just money, no house or car or investments, etc. She died 3 years ago in February, and I wasn’t able to split the money left between myself and my siblings until the summer. So divvying up the money next month seems unreasonable—does your sister need an infusion of quick cash for some reason?
Hold your ground—I was blessed that my siblings did not complicate things for me–I made sure to share my debits and credits ledger with them through the process.
When my Mon died 4 years ago, I opened an estate account and distributed the money to heirs in chunks. Some in a couple months, some after her house sold, but a little not for quite a while, as bills and a few refunds kept appearing. One refund came in 2 years after her death from an event 7 years previous.
After I did the final distribution, I kept the account open with a small portion of my share of money, just in case.
@MADad no my sibling does not look like she needs the money. Not at all.
I asked my husband and he said that she’s very impatient. That is probably the reason. Also ADHD which is not diagnosed or treated so everything seems to need to be done. Right! Now!
My issue is that I am non confrontational. I like to make everyone happy. I guess that’s not always possible.
Thanks everyone, this is very therapeutic and helpful to put into words
One of the problems is that of the money that is not part of her investments, that money is in a checking account that is joint with mom and my sibling. I have very very little money at my disposal. In fact, less than $1000. So any bills that come up, I have to ask sibling to pay. There is money to pay, it’s in the account that my sibling controls.
Tell sibling that under law, she has to leave funds available to pay your mom’s bills until the attorney says the time has expired. It’s a legal requirement and you don’t have funds to pay.
I’m sorry this has happened to you, and I wish I had some awesome advice or input but I don’t. I absolutely hear you about people irl. Grief in all its forms is like you have ebola or something – but otoh, everyone has experienced loss so why can’t our friends think “man, I’d better check in” instead of “I am so busy I can do that another time”?
I would be angrier if only I weren’t so tired. People say “well they weren’t your friends if they are ignoring you” and mean well, and aren’t wrong ---- but doesn’t make me feel any better,to know that I’ve misjudged the relationship.
I hope your real life friends come through for you in the coming weeks and months. But if they don’t, we are all still here. You are doing a good job, honest.
In my case, losing mom in February, things might have been sewn up in May or so, but I felt better (a) waiting 6 months to be sure ALL bills had cleared, and (b) the monument company lost the order to carve her dates on the headstone, and didn’t get it done until August anyways, so the 6-months I wanted to wait came to pass anyway. I distributed the funds in September, IIRC.
In CT, the probate court has to publish a “notice to creditors” in the newspaper, after which potential creditors have 5 months to respond. The estate would need to hold funds in case of one of these claims. And the estate can’t be closed AT LEAST until that time is passed.
@deb922 , remember, your duties as executor of the estate are totally separate from your role as daughter, or sister. I know it doesn’t feel that way for you, but it is the case.
I told my sibling that mom’s bank accounts need to stay open at least until her taxes are filed next year.
She was agreeable to that, but wants to divide up the money that we have in the joint account between us. I think we should hang onto the money for at least 6 months. What’s 6 months in the scheme of things?
I’d like to see how things go and take my time. That’s how I work. It’s not how she works.
I said that maybe we should have an estate account but she said that wasn’t necessary. Because mom’s checking accounts are jointly with her daughters. It’s on the list to ask the attorney tomorrow.
My sibling likes to tell you things that she thinks are true but doesn’t verify. I am a fan of verifying. I like a plan, she likes to wing it.
There’s a reason YOU are the executor. You can make the attorney & FA the heavies and just say that THEY say we have to follow the law and do x, y and z, even if it may not be our preference.
I don’t know how much is in there, but maybe she’d be satisfied with some portion?
I was in charge of the savings, where most of my mom’’s money was. My SIL wanted me to distribute the money before mom died, and I told her that I wasn’t going to empty the account until mom died and her house was sold as we don’t know what kind of expenses may come up during the inspection process. I did agree to gift each of us the $19k no tax paper-work limit in December 2023 and then again in January 2024. The house wasn’t sold until November 2024 so in January I divvied up the rest.
I’m with you. What’s six more months to close up shop? Besides controlling the pursestrings gave me leverage for various decisions. My brother dragged his feet on many things.
I agree that sometimes folks MAY be satisfied with some amount, as long as enough is retained to pay bills and expenses. I’m very sorry you are having to navigate this, as well as grieving and trying to do right as executor. In our family, we were all grateful for whatever disbursements came our way, though none of us NEEDED the money. Enough continues to be retained to pay expenses.
I had meeting with the lawyer and mom’s FA. Things went really well.
The lawyer answered all my questions, he was so nice and I’m very much relieved.
The FA talks to each of the beneficiaries alone about dispersing the money of the accounts. And he was so nice answering all of my questions. Understood that we are transferring the money into an account that we already have established.
I feel much better.
And if anyone remembers about the scooter saga. They called today and are willing to let us return mom’s scooter that she used one day before she went into the hospital and passed away. I’m not that invested but they have decided (might have been the summons they got from small claims court) to return our money. My sibling is to arrange for them to get the scooter and the medical supply place will send me a check.
@deb922 The checking account issue is a perfect one to bring up with the attorney – let them be the bad guy. Am confident they will say not to touch these funds for many months. I’m president of our synagogue and we’ve been trying to sell the building. I use the “I have to speak to my attorney” line on a regular basis – to whoever it is that is pressuring for hasty or unilateral decisions. I don’t have sole decisionmaking authority, but I am also a horrific people pleaser, so I find it REALLY helpful to blame the attorneys as a way to gently nope out of confrontations.
I will say this—my mom made things very easy for me by putting my name (along with hers) on both of her bank accounts, so I had access to her funds to pay for funeral expenses and any bills that came along.
My brother set up an account with funds from my folks and has been using that as needed, to pay estate attorney, funeral expenses & lots of other incidentals. It gives us all peace of mind and us easier than having us all chip in for things.
Today is my mom’s birthday and it’s been a month since she passed.
I have to admit that losing her has been more emotional than I thought it would be. She didn’t want to be the way she was at the end. I know that but it’s still been difficult.
As far as settling the estate, I’m plugging along. Making sure I’m documenting everything.
I sent a document to my sibling documenting what I’ve done and what my expenses have been. Maybe I’m being too sensitive but I felt questioned on one of the 3 items I need reimbursed for. It was less than $100. She also indicated that mom’s taxes owed are in the thousands of dollars. I asked if that was normal, she said she was going to ask the tax preparer.
I feel on edge having to justify my expenses. I don’t know if this is fair or if I’m being overly cautious and sensitive. She questions everything.
