<p>I need a kind word. My college age sons are home for Thanksgiving. They are 21 and 22 , junior and senior in college. They are great men, they really are, but I have become used to an uncomplicated life with them gone and they bring their disorganization hone with them . College Junior comes home and sleeps all afternoon but he did come to church with us in the morning. He then goes wandering out from 9pm-2am, without a car. At 3 I get up , can’t sleep because other son who is set to start an internship TODAY and had disappeared to go visit someone 2 hours drive away at 5 pm. He is still gone at 2am and does not pick up his phone. I go into college junior’s son’s room to turn down the heat and there is several beer cans open in there. This son says I am snooping. Good grief. I wake husband and he also tries to reach 22 yr old college son who starts his internship TODAY.At 3 am this son calls and is lost in a neighborhing town which isn’t particularly safe. We talk him home, he is home by 4 am. </p>
<p>The 22 year old son goes off to his internship at 7:30 am today. 21 year old is annoyed at me and tells me I snooping on him. </p>
<p>I feel like I have lost control of my home. I feel like I tredding on eggshells with these grown men. I feel worried and upset about them when they are home, like they should be more settled, like maybe a 40 year old!!! </p>
<p>I need a kind word from other parents who have been through this.</p>
<p>I feel for you. But I can’t say that I have been through this, as you have.
My Ss know that in my home, they have to obey my rules; I tell them I do not operate a B&B; if they expect to not be home for meals, to let me know in advance; if they expect to be out late, also let me know (but I don’t have a curfew). I expect them not to turn their rooms into pigstys and clean after themselves in the kitchen.
I also remind them to keep their cell phone charged in case they need to call for directions as one of your Ss seems to have done.
I don’t function as their alarm clock, either. So my Ss knew that if they did not get up on time, they’d be on their own–including getting fired from their jobs/internships.
I’d suggest letting your Ss find their own way. They’re used to college life and it can be hard living back at home, abiding by your rules, just as it is hard for you to have them back and no longer be in control of your own home.</p>
<p>Most college kids fall in the group of animals known as nocturnal. Just like skunks. But it’s a fact of life, and it’s better to accept that part. </p>
<p>But having said that, when our son first came home from college, he tried the “disappear at midnight, and not show up again until the wee hours without telling anyone” thing. When I told him we knew he was a college student (and therefore nocturnal), we also expected him to let us know when he went out, when he was expected back, and in general terms where he was going. He told us no, he didn’t because he was 18. I told him, “so is your father, and he still practices courtesy and good judgment”. I guess it was a hard line of argument for him to refute, so we got along a lot better after that.</p>
<p>I think it is EXTREMELY difficult having them home, which is why I am just fine that WildChild is not coming home for Thanksgiving (too short of a break and we have relatives close to his college). I don’t sleep well when he is out roaming around or when he comes in at 3 or 4 and the dog barks.</p>
<p>“When I told him we knew he was a college student (and therefore nocturnal), we also expected him to let us know when he went out, when he was expected back, and in general terms where he was going.”</p>
<p>Yes! And it’s a good idea to let students know about these rules – of common courtesy, not of overprotective parenting – well before they come home, and then remind them once they come home.</p>
<p>Isn’t it just the greatest joy to go away for several years and come back and see you all here. And I see you have started a politics forum as well! God Bless you all! Marite, you are the sweetest dear
I have great boys, but what blew me for a loop was the beer. This is new. I don’t want to see a case of beer in anyone’s room in my house. So, somewhere in our discussion this morning, I asked to use his phone and there was a fridge full of beer on the opening photopage. I don’t know. I give up. (This is an honors student at a good school.) </p>
<p>I think it all was having my sleep pattern disrupted. I was so frought with worry. I didn’t get any sleep last night. The internship is important.</p>
<p>21 year old caught me crying. He 's guilty now. He says he’s going to visit another friend for the night and I said go ahead. </p>
<p>No they don’t have pigstys.Thank you all again. </p>
<p>I stay at my son’s off-campus apt two nights a week and the kids across the hall consume a lot of alcohol. They leave cans here and there and you can see the cardboard cases on the balcony after a party. They keep things fairly quiet though. They’re underage too. The police station across the street ignores student and underage drinking.</p>
<p>I think that a lot of parents really don’t want to know what their kids are doing.</p>
<p>This is all fine, as long as they don’t get behind the wheel.</p>
<p>I’m not so sure that 20-24 year old males, as a general rule, are “welcome” back at the parents’ home. I saw this coming and “suggested” that anytime S (now a soph) had an opportunity to do something else within his budget on breaks, rather than mosey back to our house, he do it.</p>
<p>My house, my rules…but then I also understand that my son (22) is no longer a child and should not be treated like one. It’s hard to think of him as an adult when he’s always been my “baby”. It’s my issue. I cannot sleep either when he comes home and he’s out with friends. For me, I think it’s just a Mom thing - I’m fine when he’s back at school, even though I know he is out and about at all hours of the day and night.</p>
<p>I know the ‘my house my rules’ philosophy. But they try the rules. There is NO getting around the late hours. Once they are grown it’s over concerning hours rules. I mean, we are talking a guy possilby getting engaged soon. It just dosen’t work anymore.<br>
I just don’t like it. It all worries me. I get upset. Frought with fear and worry and concern. They are just not into a work schedule yet and none of their friends are either. They are all college students home on break. </p>
<p>Of course, as a parent, you can’t help but worry. That’s what being a parent is about. As I said, I don’t have curfews for my guys (although they have not stayed out until 3am!). What I do ask is that they tell me in advance whether they will be eating dinner at home or will be staying out late. It’s the kind of common courtesy that any guests staying overnight would accord to the host.
As for being on time for their jobs, you need to let them deal with it. You can give them “the talk”: “if you get fired, you’ll need to make up the income shortfall on your own. It will be a black mark against you in future jobs…” But once you’ve done so, you need to let step back. Just come here to vent and share your parental angst.:)</p>
<p>It’s as part of life as labor pains, BHG. Some are worse than others. Mine are like vampires when they come back home; sleep all day, up and out all night, and they suck the blood out of me! They need to be reminded constantly that just because they are adults does not mean they can be rude. We are not roommates or housemates. They can’t seem to get where they fit in the house anymore. No longer really living there, but not guest status either. I’ve had to point out that I tell everyone when I expect to come home and call if there is any deviation from it, and everyone would panic if I just did not show up. It’s not a control thing at all, but just something that caring people do; they care about those around them and worry. Courtesy and manners have to be reinstated with some of them.</p>
<p>At least you don’t have the pig styes. I have trouble with that. I finally switched rooms around so they don’t have their old “own” rooms and that made things a little better.</p>
<p>TEXTING: request your kids who are out at all hours simply text you every so often so you know they are safe- if you are asleep it won’t wake you (phone on vibrate!) and when you wake up you can see they are safe.</p>
<p>Yes, when they are at school you don’t worry, but wouldn’t you let your spouse know what’s going on? It is merely adult common courtesy, not parently curfew, to expect to be kept in the loop.</p>
<p>We began this with the girls as teens and it works wonders.</p>
<p>Thanks for these suggestions–I’m sure they will come in handy as we near the holidays when more of our kids will be heading home. So far, it hasn’t been a problem at our home, but it may become one down the road.</p>
<p>IMO there is no CURE for parental worry other than quit worrying. </p>
<p>I’ve had two nephews in their early 20s in sustained active duty as Marines in Iraq. Their older brother and dad are policemen. I asked the mom/wife once about it. She said “love um when they are there, let um go do their job and say a little prayer.” </p>
<p>I would not consider asking my S to continually text me an OK. I figure “bad news travels fast.”</p>
<p>I leave the house to go to the gym at 5 am. I’d never consider calling/texting every morning to tell my spouse that I was ok.</p>
<p>07Dad, if you go to the gym regularly at 5am, or go anywhere regularly, that is one thing. But if you decide to go out with some friends and do not come home for dinner, or even at your usual bedtime, I would think you would call or text your spouse to let her know. I don’t account for much of my time, but I do have the sense to know when I should or people will worry. When I stay with friends and do things while spending the nights at their house, I do let them know my schedule. I think it is common courtesy. I expect the same from my sons.</p>
<p>Hmmmm. H and I routinely will say “Honey, I’m off to work” and “I’m home!” We do not expect our kids to wake us up with either phone call or text message or knock on our door when we’re asleep, however.</p>
<p>Backhandgrip, it’s really good to see you again!</p>
<p>S (21, a senior) won’t be coming home for Thanksgiving this time. He’s jetting off tonight for a week in the Virgin Islands, paid for by his EC activity. I will miss him (it’s the first time I won’t see him on Thanksgiving). D is 18 and a freshman out of state (too expensive and too close to finals for her to come home). I will miss her a lot.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, both of my children are less than tidy, they both sleep like sloths when home, they never volunteer to help with chores, and they both stay out too late. I always look forward to them coming home but then also to getting my house back when they leave.</p>