Our S2 lost his job right before his wedding this fall. His wife still has hers, and he is now covered by her insurance. A former professor has given him some gig work (S2 works in a creative field) that pays about 1/3 of what he made before; it is enough to disqualify him from unemployment benefits for now. This temp job will run out in a few weeks. They are living on her salary and their savings; neither one of them was making a comfortable salary. He says they aren’t losing too much ground, and we’ve said time and again that we are here to help financially (his medical costs are significant). They’ve had her student loan payments paused.
DH and I are struggling to be supportive without being alarmist, optimistic without being unrealistic, and helpful without being meddling. Trying to stay in our lane, if only we were sure where it was…But basically the two of us are just worried 24/7.
S2 has, as far as we know, been applying and has only had a few phone interviews which did not pan out. Early on he had a p/t job but that went away when the company folded up and moved. Headhunters have not been helpful or reliable. He had his resume and cover letter retooled and tuned. I can’t think of anything he’s doing wrong, but both DH and I have a sinking feeling that somehow S2 is the culprit. I never thought it would take this long to find another job, but here he is. (He lost his job, along with many coworkers, as part of a company costcutting strategy) I know better than to express any of this to my son.
I search some fairly obscure leads every day, to make myself feel useful more than anything else. If I see something, I send it to S2 and he seems glad enough. He is paying for premium LinkedIn so his resume floats to the top; he knows to optimize terms so the searchbots don’t exclude him. He lives in a major metro area and they have to stay there for about another year because my DIL has certification for her field to complete for her next level of professional stuff.
Sorry this is long. I don’t know what to do, or how to help, or how to cope.
I was in your son’s shoes in 1990, but worse. DH and I were engineers at the same firm and we were both laid off the same day, when the company restructured and changed its focus from traditional engineering design to environmental. Just a few weeks before, our boss had assured us our jobs were secure.
I’m sure my parents worried about us. We were on unemployment for awhile. We also went to a food pantry. This scenario was repeated a couple of times during the '90s. That’s why we started our own firm in 1999 - at least working for ourselves, we could save up some for the slow times (like the recession 10 years ago).
I think you just have to take a deep breath and have faith that everything will work out. It always did for us, even though it was quite stressful at times.
The lowest point was when DH was laid off without warning (slow economy) five days before our second child was born in 1995. I had laryngitis and couldn’t even cry! My mom had come up from Texas, at least, so she helped out a lot.
Nine weeks later, DH still didn’t have a job. Baby boy was hospitalized for five days with RSV (I’m sure he caught the cold virus from day care, which we had to put him in at one month of age so that I could do contract work to make ends meet). The same day son was admitted to the hospital, DH was diagnosed with shingles. He went for interviews while in a lot of pain. He ended up getting a decent job as the director of engineering for a local firm.
I don’t know if this helps any, but people are resourceful and resilient. Things will be OK.
I feel your concern. We also had some concerns about my son w/job hopping, various other issues. What turned it around for me was to repeat to myself how amazing he is, how unique, how capable. And I would say things like “you are great at interviews.” It sounds pollyanna-ish but it helped my mental state and the belief that the kid is great and capable seems to just seep out of a parents’ pores and the kid detects it. The reverse is true also.
I can totally relate. Twice our daughter went through the job hunting process, and I have to admit that I thought the reason for her struggles was she didn’t know what she wanted to do, so no passion or enthusiasm came through during the interview.
The last time she was unemployed was the worst. She had been hired for a job, her dream job, and the day she was supposed to start, they postponed the starting date. Eventually they admitted they didn’t know when it would start. This was in November, my worst nightmare, just as we were heading into the holidays when nobody is hiring. I was consumed by worry 24/7. Not only was she unemployed, but she didn’t have any healthcare, and was seemingly not eligible for unemployment.
Then my husband got very ill and fought for his life for 39 days in the hospital. I do not recommend this, but it did take my mind off our daughter’s dilemma. Two days after he was discharged from the hospital, she presented us with a job offer from one of the top tech companies in the Bay Area, a job that she is passionate about and is a good fit for her, even better than the “dream job”. I’m so grateful this other company failed to honor their signed contract.
All this to say, yes, it is extremely stressful, but these kids can figure it out on their own. I have no advice on how to take your mind off of the situation, but just believe that things will work out in the end.
I was fired from my first job when I was 8 months pregnant – because I was pregnant. My boss told me that, flat out. He said I could resign, and keep my healthcare, or he’d fire me, and I’d lose it. “Maternity leaves are too much trouble”, he said. Ahh, the 80’s, what an idyllic time to be a woman…
I think the siren in my head, presently, is a vestige of our life experiences so far. Doctors say child is fine, mother is a pain – child almost dies (no, seriously) before a doctor takes the mother seriously. Professors say child is fine, mother is a helicopter – child (different one) almost dies (no, seriously) before college takes mother seriously. Doctor says husband is just old, wife is reactionary – husband almost dies (no, seriously) before doctor takes wife seriously.
So I have to turn the siren off, because this is different. Sigh. It’s a really loud siren, guys.
I don’t know about you guys, but no one ever warned me about how hard this parenting thing can be when our kids are grown. We want the best for them just like we did when they were young. The thing is, they - not we - are the only ones who can figure out how to live their lives. We have to sit in the back seat without being back seat drivers. It can be hard!
The best we can do is offer advice WHEN ASKED, let them know we are there for them, and be supportive in whatever way they will allow us to be. They will figure it out eventually.
I firmly believe that (unless our kids have other issues like unaddressed mental health or substance abuse issues) life has a way of working itself out. It is true that when one door closes, another usually opens - and often door #2 is the “right “ door.
When I graduated from college, I knew there was no safety net from my parents. I couldn’t have my dream job and I had to work to survive. I worked at an uninspiring job for 2 years before I got the the job I wanted.
I would tell my kid to give it X months to get a job in his/her field, if it doesn’t work out then he/she should think about pivoting. It may mean going back to school to get additional training (not a master or phd degree in an unemployable field).
A friend’s son was in banking making a lot of money. He was let go beginning of 2019 and has not found another job. The reason is he is still living at home (my friend doesn’t want him to move out) and has no need to make money, therefore he won’t settle for just any job.
It may be tough love, but I wouldn’t try to help out financially. I think people need to be hungry to get a job (I have been there and done that).
Hugs to you.
My son followed his GF to a city with few employment prospects in his field. It took him almost a year to find a “professional” job. But they survived it, with some help from the bank of mom. He has now been gainfully employed for well over a year, and she decided to change jobs. They had to move, so they could BOTH be about an hour commute from their jobs. He’s hoping his company will put him on a contract closer to where her new job is, but he’s staying put and doing the commute for now.
All this to say I think they will be fine, and lots of couples go through struggles like this. I did what you seem to be doing - worried a lot, sent him job opportunities I found (sometimes while not being able to sleep in the middle of the night). I can’t think of anything else you can do.
It is probably an employer’s market for many good career track jobs, so needing an extended job search should not be surprising, especially for someone currently unemployed (considered less desirable by employers) where his former employer just dumped a lot of people (presumably including some like him) into the labor market.
I get it; It’s nerve wracking! I think it’s always troubling when a child loses their job… and it’s doubly so when there are major upcoming expenses involved (wedding, health care.)
Fingers crossed for you and your son, greenbutton. Those of us who’ve been there know exactly what you’re feeling. And it sucks.
Being jobless is a situation that sends me into a panic, which I experienced both times my husband was laid off during our 29 years together. But when I experienced the same feelings when a co-worker was laid off, I realized the emotions were connected to the event, and not the relationship of the person to me. At least with my husband I felt I could be supportive and helpful on a daily basis.
When it’s your adult child, you don’t have that same daily connection, which makes the situation more anxiety ridden, IMO.
My DIL got a glowing job performance review and then was fired a few weeks later from a good, solid, but uninspiring job that she had hoped would lead to an eventual dream position. She cried for a week . Then she took her “creative business I dabble in on weekends” (photography) and wrote a business plan to take it to a serious, full time, profitable level. Not quite two years later she is well ahead of her original, projected business plan. She is doing well enough that she has hired a part time editor and has started a second, related business with her sister. She is amazingly well suited for the career path she is now on.
As a person in a creative field, your son might be better served by looking at this as an opportunity to start something on his own. I second this opinion that has been voiced already by others.
How to cope - for me, I always try to gain perspective. What I have learned in my time on this earth is that things really do work out. I’m also acutely aware that the most important thing is one’s health. If your son and DIL are healthy and safe, your worries are few. Hold on to that, be grateful, and know that the job situation will come together. The economy is good and they are both capable. They’ll be fine.
This. If DH and I hadn’t gotten laid off repeatedly during the '90s, we wouldn’t have started our own engineering firm in 1999. We would have made much less money than we have and missed out on getting to work together, 24/7 (yes, we like each other, ha). Getting laid off can be an excellent thing in the long run!
I, too, am in this position. My S2 was downsized 3 weeks ago and his wedding is now in 7 weeks. While the job market seems reasonably ok right now, he is quite insecure and his anxiety often prevents him from presenting with the kind of confidence that is important in the interview process. He seems to be moving in the right direction (met with someone to punch up his resume and get some tips on how and where to look) and says he is ready to start applying. My H’s anxieties (and this kid’s history - originally graduated with a social science degree into the 2008-09 financial debacle and took years to find a job that paid expenses) are making this exponentially worse for me. I try to support, not judge, and believe that the woman he’s marrying will support him through this difficult time. But, oh, do I understand.
However, it seems that finding a good career track job during a good economy now is as difficult as finding such a job in a recession decades ago. I.e. the norms of the labor market have shifted to be much more employee unfavorable over the decades.
One thing it does mean is that the usually stated three month emergency savings is unlikely to be enough. In a good economy, it will probably take that long or longer to find another job. In a recession, when job loss is more likely, it will probably take much longer. And if one is subject to a post employment non-compete agreement, the minimum emergency fund must be at least that long.
Probably depends on what is written in the agreement and what relevant state law and court precedent say.
There is a law firm that publishes a 50-state non-compete chart linked from https://www.beckreedriden.com/50-state-noncompete-chart-2/ . The last column of “Enforceable Against Employees Terminated w/o Cause” may be what you are looking for.
In another thread, someone mentioned that a large well known company had summer interns sign an 18 month post-employment non-compete agreement, which would be problematic for someone interning between junior and senior year of college, since s/he would find it restrictive in terms of where s/he can start working at graduation (especially since that company competes in many markets).
