Switch Off Parenting

<p>As a parent to a senior in high school as well as a senior in college, I have recognized a peculiar phenomenon. I am expected and encouraged by the high school to be as involved as possible in the academic and extracurricular affairs of my student right up to graduation, but thereafter any input from me is essentially regarded as a FERPA violation. </p>

<p>Please comment</p>

<p>Once they are 18, it is a ferpa violation. If they turn 18 before end of senior year, I would think that any info provided to you after that point is a ferpa violation too. But I might be mistaken about that. </p>

<p>Sent from my DROID RAZR using CC</p>

<p>Are you all the same troll? At least try and disguise your post count.</p>

<p>Yes, my senior is 18 and it's a running joke between the office staff and myself. I no longer need to "call in" if he's sick or sign him in and out.</p>

<p>^^</p>

<p>My state avoids much of that because kids are minors til they're 19 here. </p>

<p>Badparent...if you think that's wierd, go to a Parent Orientation at a college and you'll be told how you can pay this and how you can pay that....but, you can't see grades, medical, etc, without student approval....but you can pay, pay, pay....schools have no problem with taking your money. lol</p>

<p>No one else questions the prevailing "conventional wisdom" that parents stop providing guidance, stop attempting to influence the decisions of their college students?</p>

<p>There is a wonderful book called "Letting Go". I would suggest you read it.</p>

<p>
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but thereafter any input from me is essentially regarded as a FERPA violation.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I'm not sure what you mean. You are completely free to advise your college-aged child and he/she is completely free to listen to you. FERPA applies to what kinds of information college employees can give out about students enrolled in the institution. If you want your child to talk to you about grades and coursework, that's between you and your child.</p>

<p>And your child CAN sign a release giving you access to their college information. </p>

<p>The exception would be health related issues which fall under Hipaa guidelines.</p>

<p>from post 1:
[quote]
thereafter any input from me is essentially regarded as a FERPA violation.

[/quote]
from post 6:
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No one else questions the prevailing "conventional wisdom" that parents stop providing guidance, stop attempting to influence the decisions of their college students?

[/quote]
I don't see the situation in the same way. You still have a relationship with your child, don't you? If you're an important figure in your child's life during his/her senior year in high school, you don't become unimportant because your child enrolls in college. You don't need anyone's permission to communicate with your kid except, of course, the kid.</p>

<p>I personally was ready to stop "attempting to influence" my kids' decisions before they went to college. That has to happen eventually, anyway.</p>

<p>Many parents were concerned with the refusal to provide transcripts, etc unless the student signed off. There is more than one right way to handle this. In our case, I simply said to my daughter "You have two choices - pay all the bills yourself, or give me the information I need to pay them." She chose to have me pay and see, which I think is wise. She has way too many things to think about as a new freshman (and now sophomore) on the other coast. i did insist, however, that she paid the bills (e.g. physically wrote the checks) while she was home this summer. That way, I could assist her if necessary, but she saw what kind of investment she was making (a portion of the money is hers as part of a trust). </p>

<p>My husband and I were extremely involved with day to day things in high school, but received some great advice this time last year. First, your NEW job is to say these phrases whenever possible<br>
1 - "Gee... that sounds tough: what are you thinking about handling it?" If asked, I will make some suggestions, but make it VERY clear that "you know the situation much better than me, so I am just telling you what I would do. I am sure you will make the right choice."<br>
2. I have had great success when she brings up an issue (e.g. "I am stressed about this paper") reminding her of times that she was successful in the past with a similar task. "Remember when you ..... I know that it will be ok because you have handled things like this in the past." Heavy, heavy positive reinforcement is my middle name these days - a very different and refreshing technique from my attitude in high school, where i gave much more direct instruction, and frankly was irritated when she didn't accept my always completely flawless suggestions.<br>
3. I read somewhere that you should never never stew over an issue they brought up and call them back with ideas. That was a critical job in elementary and high school, and needs to be minimized now. Instead, if she calls with an issue, I listen, suggest, and NEVER bring it up again unless she brings it up. Often, she is calling to think things through, and by the next time she talks to me she has moved on to other issues and does not want to think about the old ones. I keep my mouth SHUT!</p>

<p>I am a bit of a helicopter parent, so these steps were not easy, but the reward has been immediate, and our relationship has improved dramatically.</p>

<p>The hardest times, by the way, are when they return home for holidays. I nearly got lockjaw trying to keep my mouth shut this summer when she hadn't started packing for a six week trip to England 3 days prior. But I did it! I simply said to her "When I was a kid, my parents had everything packed a week ahead at least when they were going overseas. There are many things that are different there, and it is easy to suddenly realize you need something like a charger, etc. You obviously have a different strategy. You are not going to back side of the moon, and you are taking an ATM card with your own money. Therefore, as long as you have clothes on your back, and a license and passport in your possession, nothing else matters." Really relieved my stress and SURPRISE she didn't forget a single thing. HA!</p>

<p>I appreciate the thoughtful comments. </p>

<p>Here is my perspective: There is no virtue in allowing your student to learn from their own failure. Parents should be able to work collaboratively with college advisers to insure their students are on "the right track," whatever that may be. I scoff at the notion that my attitude is unenlightened.</p>

<p>^ Since you are a parent of a college senior, how did this work for you? Did you go with your child to meetings with his/her advisor? Did you call/email the advisor? Did your child do what you thought was best or make whatever decisions needed to be made on their own?</p>

<p>Shoot4--and then she went to pack her charger, passport and ATM card...</p>

<p>
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Here is my perspective: There is no virtue in allowing your student to learn from their own failure.

[/quote]
Now you're funnin' with us, aren't you? This is beginning to look trollish.</p>

<p>
[quote]
There is no virtue in allowing your student to learn from their own failure. Parents should be able to work collaboratively with college advisers to insure their students are on "the right track," whatever that may be.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Unless you plan to do this FOREVER, college is a good time for students to learn to manage their own affairs whenever possible. There is NO WAY a parent can work collaborative on ALL issues with college students unless they are living in the college housing and following their kiddo around all day and night. Sorry...that is just plain ridiculous and unrealistic. </p>

<p>BadParent...at what point do YOU think your kiddo should manage their own affairs (NOTE: I am not talking about paying the college bills...I'm talking about learning themselves without parent intervention). Sorry...but in my humble opinion...college is a good time to start LETTING GO. Get the book...it's terrific.</p>

<p>I corresponded with my student's academic adviser by E-mail. These communications were shared with my student. I have had no influence on career path or even course selection. The communications pertained to such things as arranging academic assistance (e.g., math tutor), insuring study abroad courses would be credited, and that core curriculum requirements would be fulfilled within four years.</p>

<p>I have had much success with my daughter's college career re: post #18 by following my experience dealing with our offshore software trainees. Spoon-feed the student directly task components initially, provide critical details where needed, use simple checklists and the like, but let her execute it out herself. Then reduce the amount of input gradually until she has built a mental model of how she's supposed to deal with such issues herself. Seems to work.</p>

<p>When we're paying a new car a year's worth of tuition costs and that's after scholarships, it's too dangerous to let them figure it out themselves.</p>

<p>BP, did you believe your child could not take care of these things on their own? And, if so, why not?</p>