<p>You can google Ferpa, find the .gov site and read it. It’s not a violation for parents to be involved, in general- but the colleges are allowed to implement Ferpa policies as they see fit, as long as they respect the overall intent- and there are exceptions. </p>
<p>There’s a huge difference, to me, in “conventional wisdom” that we should increase of kid’s personal responsibilities once they enter college, let them grow in managing for themselves, before they hit the real world-- versus wanting to “work collaboratively with college advisors.” If you do need access to the advisors, get your kid to sign the forms that allow profs to discuss matters with you. But, understand the equation: what you gain versus the impact on him when you take over too much.</p>
<p>My son is a college freshman. I can not imagine corresponding with my son’s college advisor. He would be horrified. </p>
<p>Would it be easier for me to do that than to talk my son through the steps that he needs to take to accomplish something? You bet. </p>
<p>Would it cause me less stress personally to talk to the college advisor to make sure that DS had the “right information”. Absolutely. </p>
<p>Do I think that my son is going to make mistakes and need advice/help cleaning them up? Yes, unfortunately. </p>
<p>Do I think that this is a time for my son to grow, learn how to manage? And that part of that is when to ask for help? Yes, I do. And we will be there when it is needed.</p>
<p>Do I have access to my son’s online account so I can check in periodically, and find info I need? Yes, I do. And I realize that a number of peolpe think that is too much involvement too. I disagree in my DS particualr situation- that that is another thread. </p>
<p>But I would never contact his counselor at the college or be part of advisor meetings. I may contact others if I was concerned for his safety, or need to work out financial problems, but not his counselor, or his professors. To me, that is like contacting his boss! </p>
<p>As for the poster that said home for school breaks was the hardest time, I think I will need to be medicated, honestly. Congratuations on your success!</p>
<p>I’m appreciative of the comments and, as a father, certainly respect the opinion that we must foster independence. But, IMHO, it is a bit facile to adopt the notion that our only responsibility is to pay the tuition bills once our students go to college. No doubt my beliefs are tempered by the fact that my college student has significant learning disabilities, ADHD and executive function challenges. Nevertheless, I feel my high school student will be equally deserving of support in college overcoming challenges at the other end of the academic spectrum.</p>
<p>Just be aware that many professors and advisors will not talk to parents about a student’s academic work even if the student signs the FERPA. They are not obligated to. </p>
<p>I may talk to a parent about a student in a crisis or decision situation, but only with the student’s full knowledge and cooperation. I will not allow parents to use me to check up on their children. I don’t think any professor would allow this.</p>
<p>When our kids were in high school, we were essentially invited to butt out, too. They attended two different high schools – first a fancy, justifiably well-regarded private school, then a large urban public academic magnet. At the private school, parents were always deeply involved through middle school, but the high school faculty and administration clearly had the attitude that parents were generally part of the problem (whatever the problem was) and not part of the solution, and they tended to be pretty hostile to any kind of parent engagement. At the public school, everyone was overworked, and as a matter of course they viewed solving problems as the student’s responsibility. (Also, there were lots of language issues between parents and faculty/staff, so often it wasn’t really practical to involve parents absent a crisis.)</p>
<p>In college, we were given very limited opportunities to “meet” their advisors, but that was about it. I would not have dreamed of communicating directly with an advisor. I did complain independently to the dean of the college once, about a summer course that did not cover the material necessary for students to take the next course in sequence in the fall.</p>
<p>For a student with learning and attention issues, and executive functioning issues…finding a school with excellent support services for students is critical. Those college disabilities services provide the support to the student…without parent intervention. The key is to be sure that the school disabilities office is a very good one…YMMV depending on the school.</p>
<p>Also, how is the student going to develop and mature the executive functioning skills required if he does not have to use them because the parent is doing everything?</p>
<p>If the deficits are such that a student will not survive without significant help, enrolling in one of the schools that has the support services to meet your students needs (ADHD/EF/dyslexia/even aspergers) is necessary. And still important that the parent start to step back some after assuring the services are in place. </p>
<p>My son has ADD. And it is hard to step back after being so involved for so long. Dont get me wrong, I still hover from afar, and watch for clues that something is going awry. One month into classes, so far, so good (knock on wood!!). But contacting college counselors/professors is way outside of what I think would help my student. He needs to be ready to face the world when he graduates from college. Taking care of these needs independently, or asking for help from appropriate resources is one of those skills.</p>
<p>BP, I just have to ask- at what point are you going to grant your college senior independence? I understand trying to provide support, but contacting profs and counselors regularly should really be left to high school IMO. College should be a transition to independence. When do you plan to let this transition occur? Do you plan to contact your child’s employer?</p>
<p>At what point should a parent stop advocating for their children? I don’t know, but I soundly reject the notion that it is inappropriate for parents to be involved in college, or even graduate school depending on circumstances. Many years ago I had gone abroad directly after graduating college. I had apparently forgotten to drop a class I registered for but decided not to attend during my final semester and received a failing grade. As a result, my admission to medical school was rescinded. By overseas correspondence, I was told by the medical school that they were unwavering in their policy. I was told by the college that my only remedy was to be excused by the professor. The professor was unavailable for the summer and could not be contacted. Well guess what, my parents intervened and I went to medical school. Or perhaps I should have been allowed to learn from my mistake?</p>
<p>Sorry-- I can’t figure out out how to quote a message.</p>
<p>BadParent-- In my opinion, yes you should have been held accountable for your mistake. I have freshman in college and and sophomore in high school and have largely stopped intervening.</p>
<p>Their high school does have a grade portal to allow me to check their grades-- I’ve never accessed it. Rather I waited for progress reports and chatted with them about what they were going to do about figuring out what the problems were. I will say, I did nag about talking to teachers but put the onus for the conversation on them.</p>
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text <a href=“remove%20space”>/quote </a> </p>
<p>So… they should just never make mistakes and learn?</p>
<p>And yes, you should have. Sorry. But a careless mistake like that when you’re thinking about being a doctor is a red flag IMO. Call me a stickler, but I have had some terrible doctors who missed things they should have noticed so I take things like that seriously. </p>
<p>Somehow millions of kids manage to make it through college just fine. I do not think it’s appropriate, at all, for a parent to be communicating with a prof or advisor. They are adults. You need to give them the space that an adult deserves. That means letting them grow up and learn by mistake. If they have a LD, that might makes things a little different, but NOT to the extent that you seem to be involved.</p>
<p>It’s not a question of doing everything or not. It’s more of a question of evaluating a particular situation and developing workarounds ahead of time.</p>
<p>Here’s a classic case of V-22 Osprey Parenting in action (the next step up from Helicopter Parenting). DD1 is planning to take a couple of courses in Summer '13 but I just found out that the last couple years they offered those classes they were cancelled… Plus the classes (not part of the major) cost a stunning amount of money (part time OOS is bad news) and scholarship money is not guaranteed for summer…</p>
<p>So, the Osprey parent recalls a tidbit of info given to us during orientation, thinks of alternatives such as summer abroad which ends up cheaper, gets more financial support, and gets more credit hours in her major… Sends text to student to investigate (a) if said courses will likely be offered only to be cancelled (b) talk to the travel abroad people to line up summer in some interesting place and (c) see if same classes offered in local schools during summer. That’s it. Total Osprey involvement - 10 minutes. </p>
<p>Osprey parenting is not really about basic stuff - it’s more about long term planning and alternatives. Younger people tend to think linearly and deal with issues as they arise; we geezers know all about decision trees and have our tree lined up way ahead of the game.</p>
<p>Imo, the example of your parents intervention is different than contacting the school to check study abroad credits, ensure they will grad on schedule, or expecting routine email correspondence with the student’s college advisor. These are tasks most of us feel our kids can handle- even if it takes prompting. Or nagging. We make a giant leap of faith when we send them away to college.</p>
<p>Methinks a kid shouldn’t go off to a residential college experience if they need close monitoring and advocacy to the point of taking over. Plenty of posters have made the decision to keep their kids closer to home, commuting or going part-time, in order to help them grow to readiness.</p>
<p>Love the V-22 Osprey analogy. D1 had a freshman roomie whose mom took a job near the college, a long commute, in order to keep an eye on her kid.</p>
<p>I think everyone (adults and kids) benefit from occasional reminders time to time…heck, I sure appreciate reminders…especially when there’s been a lot of odd distractions going on. </p>
<p>Recently my H was on a business trip and was supposed to return on Thursday, but had to return on Friday. it’s a good thing i remembered that he had a traffic ticket that he was going to go to court for that Friday. H had forgotten about it when his return home date changed. If I hadn’t remembered it, there would have been a warrant out for his arrest on Friday! </p>
<p>lol…now I remind him not to speed. </p>
<p>I believe in letting people have the smaller negative consequences and that helps them learn. But when there’s something big on the line, like a bill that’s due (or a speeding ticket!), I’m going to remind…</p>
<p>LF, yes- if a LD or other disorder makes it too difficult for a student to handle these relatively simple things on their own (or with a bit of prodding) then they really aren’t ready for the sleep-away experience. And that’s OK, but I really don’t think you’re doing kiddo any favors here. Just my opinion. </p>
<p>And yes, even those of us independent people do really dumb things. I accidentally scheduled my GRE on the biggest home game of football during the year. Doh! I’m an idiot and I’ll pay for it. BUT I’ll pay. And I likely won’t do it again. Either way, it’s a learning experience. </p>
<p>IMO, if you as a parent who is paying for college feel that your child cannot succeed without hovering, then you need to help them better prepare for independent college life (if that is a goal) before shuffling them off to big, expensive U. Again, IMO, if your child isn’t ready to learn by mistakes, then they’re not ready for a typical college experience.</p>
<p>Bad Parent. You are setting up a false choice. You seem to think there are only two options: A) Micromanage your child’s life, or B) Allow your child complete control over managing their own life. </p>
<p>Do you realize that those are extremes? And that most of us are in the middle somewhere? And that most of us are moving closer to Option B as time goes on? And that most of us see that as a good thing?</p>
<p>Agreed RGE- UNLESS that child is enrolled in a support program at the college that meets their needs and provides that support, and education needed to succeed. And yes, I do think that there is a big difference in a program at school providing that support, and a parent providing that support. </p>
<p>BP, I also agree with the poster that said that there is a big difference in the way that your parents helped you with that class in grad school while you were studying abroad, and the level of contact you are having with the school now. First, given your kids age, I am going to assume that fax, cell service, and even mail service was much different “back then” then it is now. Making the required communication much more difficult with both the school, the professor, and even your parents. Second, that was crisis intervention. Not day to day management. </p>
<p>I am much more along the lines of the poster that said you initially spoon feed the student the information and steps that are needed, But allow the student to take the actual actions. Then you slowly back off and provide less and less instruction on the basic things, but continue to be a back-up for the bigger, or crisis situations. Like how to fix it when they are recinded from medical school.</p>
<p>I did the same thing during HS. I would provide my student with instruction on what needed to be handled, and how to handle it, then “encourage” (read nag at times) him to complete the task. I did have communication with some teachers and guidance early on, and also helped him when he was signing up for early college classes. But those steps were also required by the schools because the schools wanted to make sure that the parents understood what the students expectations were.</p>
<p>In the spirit of a constructive dialectic, I wish to respond to the erroneous inferences. Not once have I contacted a professor. My correspondences with academic advisers totaled four in three years. Hardly daily micromanagement. My college student does attend an institution well-known for providing the highest level of accommodations in addition to a fee-based advising service. The experience has been a good one. My student has already been offered a job following graduation and could not be happier.</p>
<p>I disavow the idea that parents not engage in the educational process beyond high school. My high school student, to my chagrin, wants to be a doctor. I would not hesitate to intervene on behalf of my student whether it be in college or medical school. My motives are selfish. A little proactive engagement now potentially spares a lot of frustration and financial support later.</p>
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