<p>I hope you would not consider intervening on behalf of your child in medical school or any other graduate program. By the time someone is in medical school, they need to be able to handle any contact with school administration, to say nothing of deadlines and time management. Being an MD is a huge personal responsibility, and only people who can manage that should have the privilege of becoming a physician.</p>
<p>A lot of this letting go just happens over time. I mean, who cares about FERPA? It just says nobody ELSE can tell you about your kid. Your kid can still tell you about their life, their plans, discuss options, etc… I have one who is a senior in high school and I honestly couldn’t care less what a teacher tells me about her. I know her. If she has something to say about something, I’m happy to chat about it. </p>
<p>My senior in college probably gives me more day to day details of her life now than she did when she was a minor. In a way, FERPA does you a favor. It allows you to ask questions and to consider the things your kid is considering, NOT the thing somebody else thinks is important, which may or may not even matter to said kid.</p>
<p>My kids come to me for all sorts of advice and chatting and ruminations and choices and decisions they need to make. Mostly I listen. Occaisonally, if they ask for feedback, I give it in the spirit in which it is best given: “You can consider this, but it’s your life. You are the best one to make that choice.”</p>
<p>I find that when they are 16 and get a car, they really start to grow into maturity and adulthood. I don’t know what you want to chat with their professors about, but maybe you should just go back and teach or take classes yourself, if you miss school that much.</p>
<p>It seems to me that there’s a natural flow from intervention, to assistance, to advice. As your kid matures, less intervention is appropriate. That doesn’t mean that intervention will never be needed, even for an older kid.</p>
<p>Interestingly, my son goes to a small LAC and I was contacted by his academic advisor when he declared his major. He just wanted me to know who he was and how to contact him if I needed information about the program. I responded with thanks and we have had some brief email exchanges about generally where S is headed from here. S is fully aware that his advisor and I have communicated and I’ve told him the exact nature of the conversation. I thought this was all normal until I read this thread. I’ve really appreciated the open exchange between all parties, and have vowed (to myself) that I won’t abuse any access I have. I guess this points out that different institutions have different attitudes toward parents.</p>
<p>I like what LasMa, poetgrl and Hunt have said. As a matter of fact, we do not stop being our children’s parents when they turn 18. I do not think that wanting our children to learn from their mistakes needs to mean abandoning them to the worst consequences of those mistakes. At the same time, I dare say it’s not helpful to anyone if parents swoop in to handle every glitch. Mind you, my inclination would be to swoop. My daughter has asked me to back off and let her deal with things on her own, and I’m really trying. She’s never given me reason not to trust her. If she had, maybe I’d not have sent her away!</p>
<p>With regard to corresponding with professors: At orientation, my daughter’s first-year seminar teacher invited parents to tell him anything they felt he should know about their kids. I was too verklempt at the time to use the handy index card he supplied. “Oh, I’ll send a thoughtful email later,” I told myself. Then I thought, “No, my days of telling the world how delightful my D is and what kind of care and feeding she needs are behind me. She can advocate for herself now.”</p>
<p>I don’t even know who I would contact at my D’s school. I would certainly find someone to contact if I were concerned for her safety. But how does everyone know the faculty, advisors and staff who are involved and how to reach them? I feel like I missed out on something at parent orientation. I’m not being sarcastic… this is my oldest child and I feel less informed than many of the parents who post on CC!</p>
<p>I love turbo’s analogy to her off-shore trainees, especially about the checklists and other tools. My business partner’s husband does similar training, and their kids always have had checklists. For example, I borrowed and used her “cleaning up after dinner list.” It’s good practice for the kids, avoids you/me nagging and reminding, and gives them strategies to use for future tasks. We have one more coming that is 13 years old - think I will escalate use of those types of support tools for her. OTOH, God has a way of keeping us humble by never giving us the same kid twice. The first one is/was ADHD like me- this one could probably make a checklist better than I could.</p>
<p>mompop- I only know names based on orientation, and I know that I could find them on the college website. </p>
<p>Here is how I would summarize this thread. The title of the thread is “Switch off Parenting”. I would suggest, as others have noted, that parenting does not get “switched off” at 18, but the student does gain some legal rights that you have to deal with. As far as parent intervention, you don’t switch it off, as much as put it on a dimmer switch. Yes, you still parent the child. But in a much more subdued way. </p>
<p>To stick with a theme:</p>
<p>When my son was very small, I was the pilot. He was a passenger, and I was in charge.</p>
<p>As he grew, and learned, I became the co-pilot. Ready to take over at any moment if required. </p>
<p>In his early teen years, I became his wingman. I always had his back, and was always at his side. But he started to fly without me in the plane. </p>
<p>In his later years in HS, and now, I feel like I am more like an air traffic controller. He is flying solo, but with direction, and guidance. Me watching and assisting from the ground. </p>
<p>Is the next step intermittent consultant? Not sure. </p>
<p>In my later years I may need to be a passenger. Not really wanting to think that far ahead!</p>
<p>Vlines, excellent post! You could write a book based on that analogy that would offer great guidance for parents.</p>
<p>Count me in the camp of people wanting vlines to write a book!</p>
<p>Four in three years is four more than me. I think you know we are using the term prof interchangeably with academic advisor (which is often either a prof or has faculty status.) </p>
<p>…and, if you intervene in med school- and I mean more than speaking with your child to offer advice or handling that one crisis that can crop up while she’s too far away- then do you also plan to “advocate” or intervene when she has her med degree? You haven’t yet told us when you think the kids stand on their own two feet and only optionally inform parents of issues they are handling.</p>
<p>The problem here is, to many of us “engage” means support. You are still setting this up as an argument about intervening- different concepts. I agree with the poster who suggested it sounds like a control issue.</p>
<p>
I would also note that this trend reverses itself when you’re dealing with your own aging parents.</p>
<p>“But how does everyone know the faculty, advisors and staff who are involved and how to reach them? I feel like I missed out on something at parent orientation.”</p>
<p>This probably reflects the wide variation among colleges (and among staff/faculty in a given college) in how much they communicate with parents and how much information they include. Parents may also be filling in the blanks based on the scant information they know: my child lives in Bexley Hall, I can find a web page for Bexley Hall, and it lists a Residence Director, so I’ll call that person. Or: my child is a psychology major, the psychology department has a web site, and it shows a number for the head of academic advising in the department.</p>
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</p>
<p>And your point, lookingforward? That BadParent contacted his kid’s advisers more often than you did? So what? I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for people to see this as a continuum for any given parent-child dyad and, further, to see that the approach from one family to another will likely be different.</p>
<p>BP posed 4x as a minimal number, that’s all. Other posters have shared how they manage. What I see is very little info about why BP has contacted, or how much he has transferred some responsibilities to the child, with oversight.</p>
<p>All we know is OP “soundly reject[s] the notion that it is inappropriate for parents to be involved in college, or even graduate school,” “disavow[s] the idea that parents not engage in the educational process beyond high school” and would intervene even for med school. In contrast, many of us do not feel that way. I, for one, have never contacted a college, except re: financial aid questions. </p>
<p>D2’s first two years were rocky. She’s not LD but has other issues which put her a bit behind. We were in frequent contact with her about various actions and decisions. Each of us has our own styles and our own freak-outs. I never contacted the school. That’s all.</p>
<p>Continuum can imply “constant” or a slow progression to change. If a parent can say he would get involved in grad or med school issues, I dont see a shift, over time. If it’s there, OP can let us know. None of this is easy.</p>
<p>I am simply challenging the dogma that it is harmful to engage should the need arise. I am not advocating that everyone do it or that parents that don’t are irresponsible. Aside from the opinion of authors of popular books, where is the empirical evidence that what I suggest is harmful? </p>
<p>I offer the following information which took all of 5 minutes to discover.</p>
<p>Source: NSSE
National Survey of
Student Engagement
Experiences That Matter:
Enhancing Student Learning and Success
Annual Report 2007</p>
<p>"Do interventions by family members blunt student engagement,
learning and development during college? NSSE data suggest this may
not be the case. Students with helicopter parents (those in frequent
contact and frequently intervening on their students behalf) reported:
Higher levels of engagement and more frequent use of deep
learning activities.
Greater gains on a host of desired college outcomes, and greater
satisfaction with the college experience</p>
<p>@VLines: I love your analogy. I would submit that sitting in the control tower you would expect your transmission to have the immediate and implicit endorsement of the FAA</p>
<p>No doubt we as parents all want our children to be successful and independent adults. </p>
<p>My position is not about control or implementing a personal agenda…it is simply about supporting the aspirations of my children.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I hear you. Most of us would do anything to assure success for our kids. </p>
<p>I think most of us agree that remaining engaged with our children in regards to their education during college is beneficial. I think the thing that many of us responded negatively to was the contact with the actual counselor at school. </p>
<p>You have said that you contacted the school 4 times. What did you contact them about exactly, how did you contact them, and did your student try to work through the issues before you contact them. Also, did you contact the school with your student’s blessing or even theirrequest? Maybe if you were willing to expand on that, it would make more sense to us. It could just be the set of circumstances. </p>
<p>And as for the FAA endorsement, would that be “Father And Administration”? HA!</p>
<p>My son, a college junior, DOES have issues that mean he needs more assistance than the average student. That’s why living cross-country didn’t work, so he is now living at home and attending a local school. BUT I still expect him to handle as much as possible himself. Sometimes I will “coach” him what to do, but he contacts the teacher or school to resolve matters. By the time he finishes school, he needs to know how to handle things on his own. If he were a typical student, I would be very reluctant to get involved.</p>
<p>BP, I don’t think ANYONE disagrees that it’s not harmful to engage should the need arises (that’s really awkward wording, in other words, everyone agrees that there is sometimes need for intervention). For example, if your kid has been drinking and you see them getting behind the wheel- that’s a damn good time to engage! </p>
<p>The difference is that you don’t seem to be engaging “should the need arise”. You seem to be engaging far ahead of that point. </p>
<p>I still say emailing back and forth between advisors (and my advisor is also my prof so I do use the terms interchangeably, my apologies) is too engaged. JMO.</p>
<p>And sorry, I’m still sticking by my notion that if you can’t take care of small details by medical school, I really don’t want to be your patient. The last small detail that was missed about a problem caused me to almost be rushed into unnecessary surgery. It’s a sore spot.</p>
<p>I will ask again because I don’t think you answered it. When is the appropriate time to start communicating solely with your child and not their superiors/advisors/bosses/whatever? Will you ever feel the need to “engage” with a boss when your child graduates next spring? Or after graduate school? I highly, HIGHLY doubt any graduate advisor would talk to a parent.</p>
<p>This is how I stepped in and helped by daughter. Housing was being very difficult. She was guarannteed housing, but alas no rooms were available. She went in, got on the wait list, etc. Two weeks before school, still nada. So I called, and put on some bill payer pressure. She had done all she could, I didn’t want tp have to pay for an apartment, so as it affected our family finances, I made contact. </p>
<p>there was one other time where other daughter was asked to apply for a special program. She was studying abroad and had to make serious plans for fall semester. She was getting no response via email and fax regarding status. I called for her to get a timeline for when decisions were made, and to be sure they had right cntact information. I also pointed out that decisions had to be made by applicants in a timely fashion if they didn’t make program, so please check into delay.</p>
<p>If daughter had been there, she would have done it. But she needed a secretary to help out.</p>
<p>I act as secretary for my mom, my husband and my daughters sometimes. And I only intervene when it is going tp financially affect me if my girls are getting nowhere.</p>