<p>Why engage with a counselor? Several reasons. First is that my student at the time was more likely to heed advice from his counselor than his parent. Second, is that the counselor was able to provide more complete and detailed information than the student. I had already given specifics regarding the nature of the contact on three occasions. The fourth occasion pertained to a concern regarding my student self-medicating to balance the effects of adderall. This concern was not raised with his counselor, but his “peer-mentor.”
This communication was via telephone and the communication was then related to the student. In this case as well as the others, communicating directly with the student proved ineffective. None of these matters were trivial. All were resolved successfully with no apparent adverse consequence to the student and with minimal effort on my part.</p>
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<p>There is no conventional wisdom that parents stop providing guidance to their college students. Conventional wisdom that parents stop attempting to influence the decisions of their college students? I guess that depends on whether “influencing” means manipulating them because you think they are incapable of rational thought and action or attempting to get them to live according to the PARENT’s wants and desires, etc.</p>
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<p>I think that is utter nonsense. You don’t teach your child to avoid stepping out in front of traffic by letting her walk into the path of a truck. But there are many MANY valuable lessons which are learned by making mistakes. Most of the progress I’ve made as a human being is the direct result of making a mistake i.e. a “failure” and learning from it. Protecting someone from ever experiencing failure is just a recipe for crippling them and ensuring they are always dependent on Mommy or Daddy. That may make Mommy and Daddy feel really good because they can continue to revel in the notion that they are valued, needed, indispensable, and the grown up in the relationship. Not so good for the child who never experiences the feeling of accomplishment, competence, and maturity even as they age well beyond young adulthood. There is nothing like the feeling of doing something wonderful on your own-it’s something you can claim for yourself and yourself alone, if only to yourself. It gives you confidence, pride, sound self esteem. It makes you more willing to tackle the next challenge. Everyone needs help or advice from time to time, even BadParent, no one here is implying otherwise. But “no virtue” in failure? Patently false.</p>
<p>I certainly hope you are engaging in hyperbole. Or that you are in fact a ■■■■■.</p>
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Really??? And now quoting student engagement?? Really??? Sure has a familiar ring for a “new” poster…</p>
<p>*** That said, there may be situations in which a parent gets involved, but it would be up to the student to permit it. I agree that they don’t instantly go from being a “child” at 17-11 to an “adult” at 18-0, but legally, they get some rights we may or may not wish they had. They do need to learn to self advocate, though.</p>
<p>DD1 is in architecture and parents are encouraged to attend final (semester end) reviews. I have done a couple and it was quite remarkable to see one’s pride and joy being grilled… But profs appreciate the parents’ involvement… Parents were also asked to participate in the orientation session (mostly to explain the supply list, studio culture, and other such things) and the freshman adviser said they do not mind parents checking in from time to time.</p>
<p>@Nrdsb4: I’ll tell you what is utter nonsense: Spending 50 thousand plus a year on your student’s education and then letting the chips fall where they may. We will just have to agree to disagree on that subject</p>
<p>BP, if you are convinced that your child can’t survive in college without your help, maybe you should not be spending 50k/year on their education.</p>
<p>Also, if your child had earned enough in scholarships to go to school without your help, would you still be in contact with his counselor?</p>
<p>Though BadParent has made a few comments that I have to assume were intended in some way to rile people up, he’s really not shared any details suggesting he hovered over his kid on a daily or even weekly basis. If I’m being honest with myself, I have to admit to struggling philosophically and practically with the concept of “letting go.” I think it’s fine to discuss variations in our responses to this parental challenge. I think it’s disingenuous to stipulate to cases when YOU might intervene and then suggest someone else’s reasons are not sound. We are all figuring this stuff out the best we can. Even if BadParent came out of nowhere with this thread, I don’t see why it’s necessary to get all het up about it.</p>
<p>^ My student is doing well in college for the most part without my help.</p>
<p>Maybe you shouldn’t presume to tell me how much I should spend on my student’s education</p>
<p>Bad parent, my issue is how you are presenting your “side.” Always that your actions seem so simply obvious and the alternatives are nonsense. May be dialectic, but I don’t see the constructive- it’s very much how many college kids argue. Drawing a line in the sand. More of us decribe our decisions as fluid. Overall, you haven’t presented a set of details some of us can grasp- even some whose kids have issues that needed parental oversight.</p>
<p>Now I am confused, why you spoke with a peer mentor about your child’s Rx. Peer as in another college kid? </p>
<p>And, at numerous points, I have tried to relate, in my own mind, what I know about medical judgment, the way med students are currently trained to assess before concluding and not rely on extreme arguments, etc, to how you present this. Call me confused. If your kids are happy, fine.</p>
<p>You may not have noted how you “hovered…on a daily or even weekly basis,” but you clearly stated you would be involved, advocate and perhaps intervene, in grad school and/or med school. So, when does it end?</p>
<p>BP, if you didn’t want comments, why did you say “please comment”? </p>
<p>I’m done with this ■■■■■.</p>
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<p>Do you plan to contact your student’s employer if there is something YOU feel needs your attention?</p>
<p>You only called three or four times in four years? Perhaps those were unnecessary calls. I find it hard to believe that your kid’s college success hinged on three or four phone calls.</p>
<p>My message is that staying engaged is not necessarily a bad thing.</p>
<p>Obviously many disagree and some seek to discredit me simply because I’m new to the forum (accusations of being a ■■■■■). </p>
<p>sorry I signed up</p>
<p>I really do think people ought to breathe for a second before going into full on sputter mode, accusing someone of being a ■■■■■ because he made some provocative statements. People gotta chill! I am not saying I agree with BadParent’s approach, but I’m sympathetic, and it doesn’t hurt to listen to contrary points of view.</p>
<p>Perhaps it is the unfortunate choice of a screen name? who knows?</p>
<p>everyone gets blasted on CC by some group or other at some point. I got blasted when I first joined because I couldn’t understand why anyone would be on a waitlist. </p>
<p>Other things, too. It’s a contentious place, but you have to just fight it out. The parents forum is not for the overly sensitive. We get into it and we get over it. If you wanna chill? This is not the place to argue parenting philosophies, though if you want a lively and disparate converstion? it’ll do.</p>