I had previously never considered all the many, many items that factor in to the wedding timing. I hope all my D & future son in law’s guests appreciate that they tried to work around other weddings, a Grandparent’s 100th Birthday, graduations, Father’s Day, 4th of July, college move in, work schedules, price, church and ballroom availability, etc. And this planning was started 18 months out!
Yes, there will be picture taking after, which will require some time due to very large family. (They are taking some before as well.)
Yes, there will be a gap in time (1pm wedding, 5pm reception/dinner–due to some items mentioned above). It is what it is. The church also has a wedding before and a wedding after that they had to work around, so we do not have a great amount of time before or after in the actual church…which means that some of the family pictures will require subjects to reassemble in another spot.
I remember being a bit critical of wedding timing gaps (among other things) for previous weddings. Now that I’ve walked in these moccasins…
Re children: I wouldn’t call it tacky not to invite them. But, honestly, I have always thought that the presence of children improves the atmosphere of a wedding. Not only does it remind everyone about one of the important things marriage is about (at least if the couple is not committed to remaining childless), but it ensures that there are at least some people in the room who completely and unironically believe in all the b.s. My attitude would be, if your wedding isn’t a child-friendly event, change the wedding.
I come from a large extended family on my mother’s side. I have a clear memory of the first wedding to which I was not invited (I was 10 or 11). I am reasonably close to the couple, but I have always, always held it against them. Of course, with the march of time, it has become unrealistic to invite everyone in most cases. But don’t imagine that the 10-year-olds won’t remember.
My son is engaged to a woman whose family is still clearly in the invite-everyone phase, and “everyone” runs well over 100. They also come from a culture where weddings are a very big deal and restraint is tantamount to a public announcement of bankruptcy. We are gingerly trying to figure out what that means in terms of the things for which we will be responsible.
@raclut I agree tha everyone should respect the couple’s wishes regarding menu. Yes, it would be tacky to demand a certain food item and I definitely think people should make do with whatever is served. It’s just I’ve been to many events where I find the food choices unusual if you’re trying to accommodate a variety of tastes ( of course you can’t please everyone).
And yes, there are people who will add additional family members to the response card even if they have not been invited. Back when I got married, someone who had been invited as a party of two responded that 8 would be coming. My mother had to tell them absolutely not. We were operating on a tight budget and a small venue. They ended up not coming.
S’s reception venue was 2 blocks from the church and immediately following, although there was the picture delay. S and DIL were adamant about the not seeing each other before. They took the separate pictures before the wedding. We had a small station with munchies (cheese, cracker, chips, etc) set up for the guests as they arrived. That was very well received.
“Related to tacky weddings are tacky gifts. My sister received a wall clock with a pharmaceutical name on it.
It must have been given to this guest by a pharmaceutical sales rep.”
That’s truly tacky! Hope it was not an ED drug name printed on the clock… some of them have that 4-hour (ahem) disclaimer… I was told timepieces were actually considered as giveaway items to promote one of said drugs… That would have been UBER tacky!!!
“I had a no kids wedding except for ALL of my own nieces and nephews. It was all or nothing where they were concerned. To exclude 4 of 30 is tacky and hurtful.”
I totally get it in your circumstance where all the cousins were friends and similar ages and the line seemed arbitrarily drawn.
However, I’m not convinced of blanket rules where all those of a certain relation have equal “status” (for lack of a better term). If you have a large family, I can easily envision inviting, say, the first cousins that you grew up with, that you know about, that you keep in touch with, but foregoing inviting first cousins whom you wouldn’t know if you tripped over them, who are little more than strangers.
I wonder whether the gap issue in the population-dense NJ/NY/CT area is because of much greater competition for venues and a busier wedding season. I grew up in the Midwest and it wasn’t hard to schedule wedding events back-to-back. You weren’t competing with hundreds of other couples in the same geographical area on the same weekend for space and vendors. Engagements were shorter too; no one had wait over a year in order to get a venue reservation.
My H had a cousin die at a young age, with 3 small children. My mil was very close to the cousin because her mother died of the same thing at an also early age. We are run of the mill episcopalians.
The cousin had married and converted to evangelical Christian. At the funeral, the pastor said that the cousins very last wishes on her death bed was that everyone convert to their faith. He spent the entire sermon trying to convert us and spent very little time talking about the person who had passed away.
I don’t know or even care if that was the cousins last wish. But we felt that we were targeted and it was very uncomfortable. My mil was especially hurt.
I do not have any problems with people of any faith. But at a funeral! I hope this wasn’t too much of a downer. I’ll be glad to have it deleted.
If you want to get married in the Catholic Church on a Saturday…your wedding has to end by 4…because of Saturday night mass. So…you either have a reception that starts at 5 or later.
Many venues have an afternoon wedding…maybe 1-6 or so…then the evening ones 6-?.
You can’t exactly boot the earlier wedding folks out because you want your wedding to begin an hour or so earlier.
My sister had a morning wedding and an evening reception. It worked out well for us…that was the one where our son was the ring bearer. It gave him a few hours to relax, nap and play.
I come from one of those cultures where the wedding is a week long event. The wedding I mentioned earlier where the girl came into the reception hall on a horse was a reception for 1500 people. It was a million dollar plus wedding and there were about 6 events that the guests were invited to. It was a real production. To add to that it was a multicultural wedding with some VIP guests so it was a very lavish affair. Not your typical wedding. Really over the top. There were two wedding ceremonies and it took almost two years to plan everything. The brides parents consider themselves public figures. For the church ceremony there were 20 bridesmaids. It was a while before everyone walked down the aisle. People flew from all over the world to attend this event.
You have to do what suits you and your taste. I do worry about the clash of two families. One wanting a lavish wedding and the other wanting a small intimate wedding. I prefer the smaller one. Planning weddings are a challenge because there is bound to be someone who gets offended and there are so many details to figure out. You just do the best that you can. Someone by mistake will be taken off the guest list that you meant to invite. Someone will be invited as a couple when you meant to invite the whole family.
As a future MOB it would hurt me to invite my dear friends and find out that they were criticizing what we had planned and put a lot of thought into. Those aren’t your real friends rather they are acquaintances. Though I understand it is sometimes family members that can also cause trouble. Some detail is bound to be forgotten.
When the time comes we will do the best that we can afford and try not to go over budget.
What matters most is when all the celebrations are over the bride and groom have to live happily as a couple and that is where the true challenges of having a peaceful marriage begins. You don’t have to bring gifts just give the couple a blessing for a long healthy and happy married life and share in the joy of the celebration. I think that is all the newlyweds parents want. Everyone has different tastes and each couple prioritizes what features of their wedding are important for them.
If you want wedding porn, try this one - my dad attended this wedding in Istanbul which was written up in Town & Country magazine. He said it was incredible.
@JHS I’m with you on kids being a plus. We are a very kid-centric family and family weddings always incorporate the kids. Fun, elegant weddings but not stuffy with a focus on great food, great music and all the generations present. They are really great excuse for a family reunion and introducing the in-laws to our tribe.
Many years ago, a friend was asked to help serve punch at a church friends wedding. The reception was in the church fellowship hall. My friend went to check out the layout, etc. prior to the wedding and found a cake and an empty punch bowl. There was no punch, nor were there any makings for punch. My friend scrounged around the church kitchen and found some instant iced tea mix. She made that and served that from the punch bowl.
About 20 years ago, a woman I worked with – divorced, with two children ages 9 and 7 – married a widower with three children – twins age 3 and another one age 6. The wedding was very relaxed, very casual, and everyone’s children were invited. During the ceremony, one of the three-year-olds started to cry, so Dad bent down to pick her up, and of course his yarmulke fell off as he did so. Very relaxed but inclusive of the children!
I would have liked to have gone to that Istanbul wedding!
I don’t know why people get bent out of shape when OTHER people spend a fortune on weddings (especially when the wedding isn’t going to bankrupt the family). The guests are the beneficiaries.
Ha! I have exactly one sibling with exactly one child. All of my first cousins are in ‘the old country’. I married into a mob. The first time I attended Christmas at my in-law’s I thought they’d invited an orphanage for the occasion. :-*
Can I just say that I love, love, love this thread on the whole, though I hate the title? I think there are two categories of complaint:
truly hurtful stuff, which includes bad manners like not thanking for gifts, etc. or
Not my taste. I think a lot of people label anything that’s “not my taste” as tacky, like that is some universal parameter. Kids/no kids (unless hurtful exclusions), gold lame dresses, loads of bridesmaids, dancing into the reception, dollar dances, throwing bouquets–some people think each of these is just as much the norm of a wedding as others think reception line, or not seeing the bride until the wedding, or picture taking sessions or sit-down dinners.
They’re all a matter of individual taste or custom. In my own life and mindfulness, I’m trying to get away from judgments based on what I personally prefer.
Of course, that’s up to you; I don’t want to judge.
