I think it’s entirely normal for coworkers to hold a wedding or baby shower for someone, and for the coworkers not to be invited to the wedding. Completely and entirely normal. You’re giving the shower because you care about the person in a work context and wish them well, but you may not be friends outside work. Often such showers might be held in a break room, or at lunch time at a restaurant nearby, or some such.
But it seems that you are talking about a shower given by someone else outside of the work context?
Yes, someone not working with us gave a shower and invited all 8 co-workers. We had already had a celebration as co-workers that was a bit less formal than a shower, included us all and was fun and appropriate for the circumstance - like you suggest. I don’t know why this “outsider” thought she should host something formal in addition.
When we were married, a group of our early 20s friends pooled $$ to buy a couple of bigger group gifts (think knife set, colander set). Those were some of the gifts we used most – and we still have the knives. Was a much better use of limited resources and we were touched that they put thought into it.
I think young folks and obviously those on limited incomes get a pass on the “cover your plate” philosophy. Certainly the bridal couple wants those people to attend regardless.
However, for those who can afford to…certainly there should be some attempt, even if you’re not sure what the “plate” cost.
One tacky thing happened at my brother’s wedding. My parents paid for the entire wedding, so it was annoying that the bride insisted that the cake be too small for the guest count. There were 225 guests, but she insisted that the cake only have 3 layers, and of course, the top layer (small) is reserved for the “first anniversary”…so was unavailable for serving.
We had found this awesome bakery that made very tasty cakes, each layer a different flavor.
In hindsight, my parents probably should have ordered a very large “groom’s cake” to have in reserve. It was embarrassing when there wasn’t enough cake.
To this day I have no idea why she insisted on a “too small” cake. (that marriage didn’t last long, so no way to go back and ask…)
Some may find this tacky but it is actually awesome. A tradition in our family for baby and wedding showers. The invitation goes out stating “If you would like to take part in a group gift please send $20 and we will do the shopping for you” Totally optional. $20 X 20 = $400
For one wedding shower I received my patio set and for the other I received our gas grill.
For my baby shower I got most of the big items needed… Stroller, car seat etc.
it was so nice to get the big items we couldn’t afford instead of lots of little things.
My D is the maid of honor for the wedding of a hs friend. She organized a bridal shower and checked out etiquette books/websites (The Knot) which said the guests at the wedding shower should also be invited to the wedding.
If a work colleague organizes a bridal shower for another work colleague and all the guests are from the bride’s workplace, is the bride obliged to tell colleagues who aren’t invited to the wedding why they aren’t invited? Does she have to tell them? Seems to put the bride in an awkward position.
I’ve never been invited to a true destination wedding, but every wedding is a destination for someone. My feeling is that the kindest thing is to go to the wedding if you really want to be there and can afford it; if you find distant weddings difficult or inconsiderate (as many do), why not stay home? It’s a wedding invitation, not a summons.
As we’ve seen on this thread, folks have their reasons for wedding decisions that others may find tacky or thoughtless. My d2 chose her wedding location, an hour away from where she went to law school, in large part to accommodate the number of guests her future MIL requested. The venue was a bit off the beaten track but her dollar went farther there. Then it turned out that only 2 of those 25-plus invitees chose to come because the others deemed the 4.5-hour drive too far. So the location could have been more convenient, but d2 had no way of knowing that until the RSVPs were returned.
On our side of the family, people showed up, but 2 complained to me (at the reception because why wouldn’t you crab at the MOB then? She’s standing right there) about the distance and used the word “inconsiderate.” “Considerate” would have been an hour away from where they live. Unless the bride and groom grew up in the same town, someone’s family is going to have a longer drive. The bride and groom may want to be married in their own church, or may not have enough time off work to have the wedding a distance from where they live, and probably have a reason for choosing their location, in any case.
@Momofadult I would have felt exactly the same way. The middle school part especially.
@Pizzagirl The shower-giver had the wedding invite list. She knew she was inviting both people who were invited to the wedding and people who weren’t, and she knew that everyone there would know who was invited and who wasn’t.
I don’t think the bride is in any way obligated to explain her invitation choices if she is given a shower at the office. I don’t think anyone assumes that coworkers are all invited, and a little celebration at work is a whole different thing than a shower that you are invited to elsewhere.
Showers I’ve been involved in through work are usually at the office, and there’s often the option to chip in for a group gift, for a very small amount. And I’m sure some people just show up for cake without even doing that. And nobody cares.
The point is, work showers I’ve been to are very casual and low key. More a way for the office to wish you well than a part of the wedding festivities.
I was responding to 407, which asked whether a bride should explain at a work-only shower, why some people there were not invited to the wedding.
In response to the earlier post about coworkers with the shower being thrown by someone else, I do not think the coworkers not invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. Maybe none of the coworkers. The shower guest list is often (should?) be smaller than the wedding list.
Edit: I see now that the coworkers already had a work shower. In that case, I would not have invited any coworkers to the other shower. Exception if the bride’s best friend happens to with with her.
I think it was tacky to not invite you and the other teacher, and even more tacky to expect the two of you to attend the shower. (So, in the talk of the wedding for weeks afterwards, did anything tacky happen there?)
@CTTC, good question! I certainly heard about the destination wedding after the fact, but not about anything tacky. Although, going back to the invites, I did think it tacky that those unmarried co-workers invited to the wedding received an invitation for "Co-workerName and Guest. The unmarried invitees were not in serious relationships. The unmarrieds brought girlfriends who did not know the bride at all. I felt it tacky that there was room for random “guests” when another co-worker and I were ignored. I did hear that there were terrible rainstorms on wedding day that made it difficult for guests to get from the resort location to the church, then back for the reception.
We got one gift we used tons as a wedding gift…a crockpot. It was given to me by my coworkers…and only two of eight were good enough friends to invite to the wedding.
I’m guessing they each chipped in about $5.
Best gift we received. We actually used it!!
The go to gift many of my age group got when we were fresh out of college was a Dansk round cheeseboard with a glass dome top. They cost $10 at the time. We got four of them as wedding gifts!
My five year old nephew was the ring bearer at my wedding. He was apparently embarrassed, so he walked the entire way down the aisle with the pillow over his face.
I disagree completely with the second paragraph. I had never heard of this until well into adulthood, and I would never approach a gift that way–people throw the wedding at the level they want to, and I give what I choose based on my closeness and my abilities. I’d never adjust a gift for a more or less fancy wedding.
