Right. I would be equally generous to the people I want to be generous to, regardless whether they throw a bash at the Ritz or cake in the living room. It just is apropos of nothing.
Having said that, I think of things like the Turkish wedding I linked to upthread. I have no idea what my dad gave the couple as a gift, but I doubt it was a toaster and a card :-). But there’s no way mere mortals could “cover that plate.”
I couldn’t agree with you more, @garland! The idea of covering one’s plate says that it’s really all about the money and not about a wedding, you know, people joining in marriage to live life together and so on.
My mother was from NYC, from a very wealthy family, and I never once heard anything about covering the plate, and in a large extended family, there were plenty of weddings. If I was invited to a wedding and heard that covering a plate was expected, I would not attend, nor would I send a gift, because my values would be so disparate from such people that nothing I sent would clearly be acceptable to them.
I only learned of covering the plate on cc. I couldn’t believe it. You throw the wedding you want, and I’ll give you the present that I want to give and can afford, with some discretion for how close we are.
Last weekend, I flew out to a wedding, and, yes, I spent a lot of money on air fare. Certainly more than I would spend on a present, but just because the air fare more than exceeded the “plate” does that mean I don’t owe them a present at all? It was my choice to happily go, and I’ll send them a present, too – commiserate with my relationship to them. I don’t like the tit for tat on the costs/expenses.
I personally think it’s tacky to expect folks to “cover the plate” with their gift.
@thumper1 And I surrender on that one. that’s not taste per se, and it’s not exactly bad manners. I think it hits the tacky sweet spot.
But on the other other hand, I suppose if you were in a circle where everyone considered it the norm, I guess then it just goes back to different tastes.
Referring back to my post #395, the perspective of ‘covering the plate’ was never in the context of an expectation from the couple/families. I learned it in the context of helping one, if unsure, to determine the amount of a monetary gift.
^i agree. I don’t think covering the plate is tit for tat. It 's more of a guideline. I did that once. A friend’s daughter. I had no idea what or how much to give. I roughly covered the plate.
I’ve never heard of covering the plate before this thread. Tells you what kind of circles I run in. 
Regarding the who-to-invite-to-the-shower question, I ran into a somewhat similar situation, except it involved a reception. A group of us who had dealings with the bride for many years weren’t invited to her very large wedding. I do get it, sort of, although it seemed like she did invite everyone else she and her family had ever known. Some of us who REALLY had a lot of dealings with the bride were hurt/mad. She heard the rumblings apparently, and ended up holding a reception a month after the wedding, just for us and our families, sort of a Sloppy Seconds reception, it felt like. Almost no one went.
“You throw the wedding you want, and I’ll give you the present that I want to give and can afford, with some discretion for how close we are.”
That’s close to my thought, with some variables. And if the bride and groom have affection for you, they should be happy.
So my kiddo has come down from her thoughts she “has to” give $350. You can say, give what an equivalent evening would have cost you, but many wouldn’t be choosing such an elaborate evening, where tens of thousands are spent on flowers, not to mention the dress, wedding party accommodations, limos, renting sterling, and more. Weddings should be life celebrations. Not,Hot D*mn, let’s shoot for the moon and the guests can pay for it.
I missed the context, lookingfirward, but I think $350 is a lot for a twenty something to spend on a wedding gift. Unless it’s her own sister or something.
But even as guidelines, I don’t get it. The price of the wedding, in my eyes, has NOTHING to do with the amount being given. That is entirely dependent on my means and my closeness to the couple. They idea that I’d give more to, say one close cousin’s kid than another’s , because one had a fancier wedding, is just bizarre to me.
The covering the plate doesn’t even work as a guideline, imo. Some of the best gifts have no monetary value-or can’t be valued in dollars and cents. And unless one gives cash, you’re not actually paying for the limo or the flowers. It’s stunning to me that anyone thinks this way.
We attended a “destination” wedding (not exotic or expensive for lodging, but close to few) that included many disparate socioeconomic backgrounds and age levels. The invitation package included a nice card that indicated that the invitees presence was gift enough. If people wished to give additionally, there was a gift registry indication. This is sounding tacky as I write it up, but it was the exact opposite. No one needed to feel compelled to give any gift and the wedding was a lot of fun and included many different folks that the couple knew from different aspects of their lives and work.
I had never heard of covering the plate either, before a previous thread on the topic. It is such a foreign concept to me.
I do admit, however, that if I am spending a lot of money to get to the wedding and on lodging etc., my gift is likely to be smaller than it might otherwise be. I’m not even sure its conscious, but I tend to gravitate toward the sale items in the registry in those instances. And if the couple is truly broke and I am close to them, the size of the gift will increase.
For established couples putting on lavish weddings for themselves, I firmly believe a “no gifts” message is the most appropriate – the same way that I think 50-year-olds throwing birthday parties for themselves should adopt a firm “no gifts” policy, and to make sure word is spread.
Momofadult, I don’t think that sounds tacky. It’s recognition that plenty of money already has been spent by most to attend the wedding and that their taking part in the celebration is the most joyous and important thing.
The wedding I went to last weekend was for the son of my best friend. I stayed in an AirBnB with her and her extended family; that’s how close we are. Her family is from the same state I am … Two time zones away from the wedding site. I saw that one sister brought a cookbook of family/regional favorites as a gift, a nod to the groom’s roots. When the other sister saw her wrapping the gift, she said that she hadn’t intended on buying a gift at all as they spent so much money just getting their family of six there. To each her own. Personally, I think it’s tacky to be totally empty-handed. The one sister’s gift was only about $30 but was meaningful. But I bet the couple won’t think twice about not getting a present from that aunt. Just having the entire family there was gift enough.
Me, I wanted to meet the bride before I bought something. I don’t know why, but I thought that it would help me find just the right thing. As it is, I’m relying on the registry anyway and going with home electronics. 
Even with the air-fare expense, this is one of the most costly wedding presents I’ve ever bought. They were soooo gracious in saying how much it meant to the groom’s mother for me to be there that it made it easy to want to do more for them. They know that I’m not rolling in dough and probably wouldn’t care if I didn’t send a gift, but I want to. I’m genuinely excited for them and want to help. :x
I don’t think I’ve ever spent $350 on a wedding gift. I certainly wouldn’t expect a 20-something to spend that much.
My cousin got married to a girl from Canada so the wedding took place there. With the wedding invitation was a small card that stated, " By god’s grace we are blessed with everything so no gifts are needed but if you would still like to do something please send a donation to “xxx”
My 24yo has two weddings this month, one local for a favorite co-worker and one back in his college town for a good friend. The second wedding will involve air fare and hotel. There’s no way that he could afford to pay $350 for either gifts. Just getting to the distant wedding will cost more than that. I asked him what he bought, and he said something off their honeymoon registry. That makes me kind of happy because I always tell the guys to spend their money on experiences, not things.
I had a co-worker who invited just the lawyers, none of the staff. It sort of insulted the paralegals in our group whome worked directly with her because about half of the lawyers didnt work with her at all (and didn’t attend). If it had been me, it wouldn’t have invited anyone from work as we weren’t friends, just co-workers. She did get a great gift as we all contributed whatever we wanted to, and then one guy whose wife worked at the department store used her discount and coupons to buy all the accessories to her china - salt and pepper shakers, vegetable servers, etc. The retail value was pretty high for what we paid and much nice than all the $30 gifts she would have received if we’d each bought an individual gift.
My kids and I attended a bat mitzvah and I knew how much the ‘plate’ cost and how much all the other things did too. At the time, there was no way we could have afforded to attend if expected to cover the plate, and at no time did I think the host expected us to. I was not giving this child a $200 gift even if I could have afforded it
I worked with an Indian woman and we were all hoping she’d get married (including her parents!) soon. It would have been a $300/plate reception. Her relatives would have given gifts in that range but not coworkers.