How would you even know how much a “plate” costs - especially before attending the wedding? (when presumably you have already written the check)???!
S who is 24 got married two weeks ago today. He and his wife were just FLOORED when they opened their gifts and were touched by the $25-40 gift from a co-worker (he’s a teacher) to the $80 our elderly neighbor who has very little cash to my mom who gifted them a nice sum of money. I would actually say that it was more touching to consider a check from someone who they know “stretched” a little to give how ever much they did. I really think it humbled them.
You wouldn’t. How would you possibly know the per-plate cost of all of the hotels, restaurants, etc. in your area? How would you possibly know what they paid for flowers, music, photographer, etc.? What, you’re going to give them more if they chose the chair covers or went with roses instead of daisies? I don’t get the concept at all.
For instance, my extended family and many others extended wedding invitations addressed to the parents without specifying anyone else because it was assumed that it was really addressed to the entire family. Even with wedding invitations to friends’ weddings, the friends also stated I was free to bring a guest at my discretion.
Also, specifically inviting only some members of a given family while excluding others would have been considered a serious slight and one which the parents of the bride/groom wouldn’t have allowed to pass*. Then again, in my extended family and many others, weddings tend to be used as impromptu family reunions…including the kids.
Most older relatives would consider "no children" invites to be "anti-family" and react accordingly towards bride/groom who proposed such restrictions.
Some of the weddings of cousins from the fundamentalist evangelical branch similarly minimized/eliminated alcohol at their wedding receptions/events. They didn’t go so far as to eliminate dancing although some of their more conservative church members would have as they felt dancing went against their interpretation of their religion.
I never heard of the concept of “covering the plate” before another past thread here on CC related to weddings.
Within my extended family, having this expectation…especially explicitly stated would have been rude and considered a sign the bride/groom and family were extremely ill-mannered/cheap. Especially considering there are older relatives who are known to be willing to extend a helping hand if discreetly asked.*
Incidentally, this thread about tacky/rude wedding missteps is making me seriously considering strong arguments with any potential fiance to consider holding our wedding and reception at the local scrapyard/dumpsite.
At an older cousin's wedding a decade ago, an older uncle of ours sponsored the cost of the rehearsal dinner and post-wedding breakfast at places in an LA area resort town.
I’m originally from NJ where cash gifts and “cover your plate” were commonplace. I heard it much more with my parents’ generation than mine. In my experience, “cover your plate” is not as literal as some here are thinking. I have always heard it used as a guideline; gift the couple at least the amount you would have paid for a nice night out of dinner and dancing. People I know gifted the same amount whether the wedding was at a VFW or hotel ballroom. The amount was not specific to the particulars of the wedding attended, although I’m sure some of the older generation did gift more for if the wedding was at a more upscale venue. YMMV
This thread brings back both good and bad memories.
At our wedding about 25 years ago, we had guests who showed up uninvited. They were fraternity brothers of my DH who had heard about the wedding from invited frat brothers. My husband was ok with it - me not so much especially since we have dinner at the reception. I also had the coworker who brought her pre-teen daughter to the wedding instead of her husband. Her daughter’s break dancing on the dance floor is forever immortalized in our video.
My DDs were flower girls for my sister’s wedding. The week before the wedding my daughters gave each other haircuts. I was so worried my sister was going to be upset but she thought it was funny and we still laugh about it now.
As I said earlier the bride let out the plate cost.
We’re talking tacky, after all. We aren’t talking about being an expert wedding planner who knows all the costs in the area and chicken with mushrooms vs without.
My objection is when they run up costs, as in my D’s guest experience, then expect a larger gift. If it’s a plus 1, would they be expecting $700? You know that’s more than some of us pay for that night out, certainly many young adults.
Btw, I don’t consider “no kids” events to be a travesty. Or cheap. Weddings may serve as everything from posturing to business networking, but I think it’s ok for the couple not to want the distraction. It’s fine by me if others see it differently.
I’m from NJ and never heard of it until maybe 20 years ago, not growing up, and not from anyone in my family. A friend from an immigrant family told me her family (Italian/Polish) did it that way. I assumed it was their customs. Never heard it anywhere else until CC.
S1 and D1 requested no gifts and included a list of organizations important to them where folhs could donate (they chose several options that covered a spectrum). Many folks traveled a long way, and many were in grad school/just starting out.
So what does everyone think about the issue of bidding out the wedding to the highest bidder?
In the Mexican culture some couples have sponsors or “padrinos” who are usually close family and friends who agree to take on the cost of one item of the wedding: cake, flowers, band, etc.
For all of their sponsorship, their names are listed in a program. Even within the culture, there are many Mexican families who think it’s a tacky custom.
So, . . . . . moving on to these couples I see who sell their wedding to the highest bidder. These are the couples that are on the local news station promoting their wedding: "Well, George’s Flowers did our flowers-they are offering a 20% discount if you say you saw it at our wedding; Flour P did our wedding and groom cakes (visit their location in El Cajon), ad nauseum. The claim is that the couple can start their lives debt free.
I’ve always thought the “padrinos” thing was a tacky custom.
In certain Mexican states, it is more prevalent. It wasn’t done in my family’s circles; the father of the bride paid for everything in cash.
A church friend of mine (Mexican-American from the Bay area) called me one day, in a panic. She is a pediatric nurse and her husband is a plastic surgeon. She was so upset.
More or less she asked: " Did I agree to be a padrina in Spanish???"
Apparently “Elena” and her cleaning lady were having a discussion about the lady’s daughter getting married. Elena’s Spanish is “not great” but she expressed her congratulations; she said she didn’t understand a lot of what the woman was saying. Somehow, Elena agreed to be a Padrina. The girl ordered a $1000 cake! Elena received a hand-written bill and her husband was livid! I told Elena that she wasn’t obligated to be a padrina. Who orders a $1000 cake and hands the bill to a stranger???
Elena has 5 children and she and her husband had huge loan commitments. At that time, they couldn’t afford a $1000 cake.
If you can’t live within your means, why bother to sell out one of the most important days of your adult life?
My sil’s brother had the most amazing reception - we weren’t actually invited to the wedding which was very small and equally weird by all accounts. The two grooms had rented out a restaurant in Brooklyn. The wedding couple wore green, those who had attended the ceremony wore blue, the various people who performed wore white or red (not sure if there were rules for who got to wear which color) and peons like us who were just there to gawk wore black. There were people throwing fire around, weird dance performance and strange poems and one person even stripped for us. I’m sure I’ll never be at another reception to top that one!
We had one baby at our wedding. The Mom asked if it would be okay and promised to sit on the aisle and disappear if he fussed. He was the world’s best behaved baby, I don’t remember hearing a peep from him all evening.
"The wedding couple wore green, *those who had attended the ceremony wore blue *, the various people who performed wore white or red (not sure if there were rules for who got to wear which color) and peons like us who were just there to gawk wore black. "
I’m old school Miss Manners on this one. It’s one thing to tell your bridesmaids how to dress, but you shouldn’t be telling your guests how to dress. They are not in a Broadway production and you are not the costume designer.
My friend attended a wedding. I believe the bridal couple and wedding party dressed in black and instructed all their guests to dress in white. (It was for a photo shoot of the wedding for a wedding magazine.) The marriage was very short lived.
Many years ago, a friend attended some sort of wedding ceremony for some sort of occult group. I don’t know if it was Wiccan or something else with pagan/mystic/magical beliefs. As I recall, there were odd things something like @mathmom describes. I can’t recall all the details at this point, but my friend, even though forewarned, was still not entirely comfortable with having attended.
