I have been thinking about the “cover your plate concept.”
Anyone who objects to my overthinking, please skip the rest of this post and the following ones!
My immediate reaction to the idea of “covering your plate” is that it turns the celebration of a wedding into a commercial transaction. When I am inviting guests to an event, I am not expecting a monetary balance. I am not even expecting a monetary balance in the long run, through being invited to future dinners, wedding or otherwise.
As a minor consideration, although I have not yet arranged any weddings, I have arranged multiple large-scale conference dinners, and the actual cost per head of those is very much greater than I would pay for a comparable meal out.
There is also the point raised by other posters that the cost of transportation to the wedding venue may be considerable–the major gift of a guest may be the presence of the guest.
The idea of “covering your plate” was entirely absent in my upbringing, perhaps in large part because I did not attend any wedding with a sit-down dinner until I was at least 25. My family’s practice was to have early afternoon weddings with a reception in the church hall–cake, punch, nuts, mints, and sometimes small fancy sandwiches, though not always that last item. Inviting people to an event where one needed a financial return in order for it to be affordable just seems wrong to me.
But then I thought about it some more. (“QuantMech!” Sort of like Johnny Depp saying “Pirate!”)
If someone told me that “covering your plate” was a common practice at Inuit weddings (it is not, as far as I know), then I would think that was an interesting cultural difference, and I would be completely accepting of it, actually.
So I thought that perhaps I should regard the same practice in the US with a more open-minded view. I am happy to do that.
However, I would like for the “cover your plate” crowd to consider that this is not by any means a universal practice in the US. Some of the worst instances of this that I have read about (on CC) involved recent brides posting complaints on various social media sites about cheap people who gave a cheap gift that did not come close to covering the cost of the expensive plate. It seems to me that a good wedding planner might explain to the bride-to-be that it is not an expectation, invariably, that the cost of a gift should match the cost of the dinner.
One additional thought, before I wander totally off into the philosophical realm: If I were invited to a wedding in a culture that had the common expectation that all guests would attach a shoehorn as decoration to the present wrapping, and no one let me know about this, I would not expect the wedding couple to complain about the absence of a shoehorn on my gift. Okay, well maybe I did wander off into the philosophical realm already.
I think the cover-your-plate crowd already knows that it’s not a universal practice. It seems to be very linked to certain regions of the country and certain ethnic groups - much like dollar dances are.
My sister has been a padrina and had padrinos. I didn’t and haven’t been one. I see it as a way for many to share in the joy, and I’m told that it’s an honor. I think those who do it “get” it and wouldn’t ask people who don’t understand the custom.
I just give a nice gift off the registry or monetary gift regardless of the expensiveness of the wedding and regardless of the costs I personally incur getting to the wedding. What I can afford to gift now is more substantial than what I could afford to gift in my 20s and 30s. I will gift more generously for family members - nieces and nephews - than non-family members. Nothing else has any bearing on what I gift.
I think the comments about people giving a lesser or no gift because they incurred expenses traveling to a wedding that required travel, hotel rooms, etc. is wrong. You give a gift to acknowledge and celebrate the couple and to help them start off on a new life together. I wouldn’t forgo a gift because I had to pay for airfare and a hotel just like I wouldn’t skip a tip because it was an expensive bill at a restaurant. If you can’t afford it, don’t go. Besides, there are ways to give thoughtful gifts that don’t need to be pricey.
Hi, Pizzagirl #463, I don’t doubt what you are saying, but there has been at least one much-discussed case on CC where the bride very clearly had that expectation. Perhaps it was universal in her social circle.
doschicos, I can’t agree with the “If you can’t afford it, don’t go” idea in your post $465. I do agree with this 100% about tipping, when the restaurant bill has been expensive. It is part of the cost of the meal, and should be viewed that way.
I would much rather have people come to my daughter’s wedding and skip the gift entirely, than send a nice gift but not come to the wedding, if they could not afford both. Also true of my own wedding, retrospectively.
Ordinarily I’d bristle at the idea of being told what to wear at a wedding, but the event was billed as a celebratory cabaret/art event/ wedding celebration. The couple involved are the weirdest people I know (though I like them very much). It was easy to wear black though I bought some wild boots just for the occasion. If I hadn’t wanted to comply, I just wouldn’t have attended.
I’ve given the same gift I would have anyway even when I was young and travel expenses were more of an issue.
@mathmom, it sounds like a really fun time! A friend of mine had her wedding as part of a “Ren Faire” and wore traditional Medieval clothing, they did a “handfasting” where the hands are tied together (I think). It was exactly right for them and really fun and cool. There is no rule that weddings HAVE to be white dresses and black suits with a sit-down dinner in an expensive venue with gifts that cover the plate. I’d rather have a wedding that was less traditional but that people actually enjoyed. I hope H and I did that-we had a BBQ with kids allowed and said our vows in a public park. People had fun and so did we.
I’m attending a destination wedding, and I sent a less expensive gift. It’s well over four figures for the two of us to make it to the wedding weekend. I’m happy to do it to support this friend, but my budget was finite.
I agree with @Quantmech that I would much rather have people come to the wedding and not have money to spare for the gift, rather than not come, but send a gift. They’re invited because they’re WANTED, not in order to bolster the starter assets of the couple.
I’m attending a wedding in September–daughter of a dear friend. I bought the couple a small heart-shaped Nambe treat dish (because the friend gave H and me a Nambe serving dish for our wedding 3 decades prior).
The couple had only registered for Honey Funds–one for their apartment furnishings and I believe one for their honeymoon. The friend was protesting when I bought the dish and I told her we’d give the couple a check as well but wanted them to have the dish.
This is one of the few weddings I’ve attended where the couple ONLY registered for honey funds. In HI cash gifts for the couple are very common–Asian tradition.
Did anyone mention how tacky it is for guests to decide not to come (or not to bring a guest) and not notify the bride/groom/parents after they have responded and ordered a meal? I’m not talking about illness or unexpected circumstances.
I got the sense that she wanted me to comply with the couple’s wishes and gift $$$, but I cut her off and just told her no worries, I’d give them a check too. She never came out and said they only wanted cash, but later I checked the couple’s webpage and it’s only $$$. I made my friend take the gift and wrap it, so I wouldn’t schlep it to HI and get have the couple schlep it back to their home via the airplane. My friend and her D live 10 minutes apart. It felt a bit awkward/tacky at that moment, but we moved past it.
One of the best wedding presents I got was very unexpected. Two boxes arrived in the mail. One a cube, one a very long rectangle. It was floor lamp, with the glass globe separate in the cube box.
It turns out that the mother of one of my BFFs growing up had remembered that I loved her furniture and especially, that lamp. Of course I didn’t remember at all (no surprise there). But she remembered and she sent it to me. Someone I’ve known since I was 5 years old! It meant a great deal and we still have it in our living room. This woman couldn’t make it to my wedding but her D was one of my bridesmaids and it was a great day.
Money is nice and all but there’s better stuff out there if you go looking, and especially if you have a strong connection with either the bride or the groom.
