I have a close connection with the family of the bride and really wanted the couple to have this dish. It’s made of a special metal that helps it retain heat or cold and is specific to that area of the country where the bride grew up, plus her folks gave me a dish made of the same metal. Things CAN be cool to get and special, but I certainly understand that $$$$ is helpful, especially when 1st starting out. I like the dish we have made of the same metal and think it’s very neat!
Consolation, from the last thread that mentioned covering the plate, the expectation was that a physical gift would still be about the same cost as the meal.
The bowl is like this and we saw it when I was spending the weekend with the parents of the bride and we were antique shopping.
"How much do we think an under-30, not getting a Google or Bain salary- should give? The per plate is over $350. Reportedly over 500 guests.
Easy answer: don’t give money.
I have never given money at a wedding, and I don’t know that I ever would. I don’t come from that tradition."
I interpret these questions as asking how much to spend, regardless of whether it’s done via a check or via buying off a registry.
“Cover the plate” I think applies to when you don’t have strong connection. You are invited but you don’t know them very well to select a meaning gift. If that’s the case, money is not a bad gift or having a rough idea what price range one should consider in buying a gift. No need to jump on it taking it literally.
^But yet again, I have a standard, in my mind, amount for “don’t know the couple well.” The cost of the wedding would have no bearing on that.
My nephew just recently got married. My sister side of family all gave them a sizable money gift instead of a present. The young couple is looking to move from the west coast to east coast in the near future. It was a lot more practical to give money than for them to schlep all that stuff when they move. They could also use the money for their new apartment or tuitions for the grad school.
I think wedding gifts are meant to help the new couple start out in their new life together, it doesn’t matter whether it’s money or physical present.
Agree with @oldfort. I prefer to give a gift…but a recent relative was relocating halfway across the country…and really, it made no sense to give them something to schlep with them. So they got a cash gift…and once they are settled, we will send them a gift certificate as a housewarming to a nice restaurant in their new location.
You can’t leave that alone! Good for you if you have an amount in mind. Not everyone does. And it’s not the cost of wedding. As someone said, roughly what you would spend if you were having a night out for a good time. It’s not anything literal proportional to the cost of wedding or the actual price of a plate.
I personally like to get a well-thought out present not money. It’s more interesting to see what people come up with, more story to it. Having said that it’s not always you get a thoughtful gift. Some people just throw something in that you have no choice but to send to donation or trash can. In cases like that cash would make more thoughtful gift. It’s not all black and white, all cash is tacky and all presents are noble.
igloooo. Regardless of whether one thinks it’s charming or tacky, the expression “cover your plate”
denotes estimating what your plate cost and giving that amount. So less if it’s an inexpensive wedding and more of its the Ritz. It IS proportional. That’s the whole concept of it.
Thinking “I’ll pay for whatever a nice dinner would cost me” is a different concept altogether. I don’t know why you’re calling that cover the plate; it’s not.
Maybe it is regional. Or ethnic. Maybe some don’t think it’s literal.
I can see why some non-profits throw fancy dinners. They want people to maximize their donations. They have a target pool of givers who can- and who find some luster in doing so.
Many of us have kids just a bit out if college, doing well but not fully established. If your kiddo asked your thoughts on a target amount, how would you answer? Close work friend, but not one of her closest bff types from hs or college. D1 is very social, makes good friends easily. She and her bf don’t spend even $200, as a couple, for a night out, but the latest she told me was she’s thinking of a $200 gift.
Don’t even get me started about charity fundraisers who throw 5 course dinners to raise money for starving kids in Haiti. I can’t believe they don’t choke on their own hypocrisy-be a glutton for the starving kids! Gawd.
/threadspread…
Many of DS’s and DD’s friends are getting married. I’ve helped both come up with thoughtful but not overly expensive gifts. Last summer, DS was unable to attend a good friend wedding here but wanted to give a gift. We put together a nice basket with stemless wine glasses, a nice cheeseboard, and two bottles of wine. It was maybe $60 (I’m a good bargain shopper)…and was something the newly married couple could use…and appreciated.
I think of “cover the plate” as being a cash gift because the only people I’ve seen use it are people from the NYC/NJ area who come from cash gift traditions, mostly Italian and Jewish. It’s all about how much cash you put in the envelope. Years ago an Italian friend of mine told me that her grandmother would always wait to see “how they treated me” at the wedding before she decided how much.
The things that I would think of as wedding presents seem to be given as shower gifts in that scenario.
A friend of mine’s S is getting married later this month in the Asian country of the bride-to-be’s origin. They will be living in another Asian country. On their wedding website, which is charming and filled with good information for the guests, I noted that it said something to the effect that the pleasure of your presence at the wedding is all the gift we need, but if you wish to give something else a box will be located in such and such a spot into which you can put an envelope. However it was worded, the effect was really to say that they genuinely didn’t expect gifts, unspoken that they realized travelling to the wedding was a significant commitment, but that if you really wanted to give a gift, money would be best. I think that given the logistics of the situation it makes sense. Even I, would give money in that situation. 
The couple, both of whom have good jobs, are paying for the wedding themselves. I don’t think they are looking for help in paying for it.
In my opinion, it really does not matter whether “cover the plate” literally means giving cash or a gift with a cost that is equivalent to the cost of the dinner, or whether it means that one should spend the amount one would spend on a nice evening out, or whether it has some other meaning with regard to an expectation of spending. “Cover the plate” is clearly connected to an exchange of value/expenditure of some kind. Otherwise, it would be worded entirely differently. In my opinion, this transforms the invitation to a wedding into an invitation to an exchange of some type. I am happy for people to show up empty-handed to any occasion that I am hosting.
But as I said earlier, if “cover your plate” were an Inuit custom, I would think, “How different, and how interesting.” So I suppose if I wound up in a circumstance where that was expected, I could at least cloak my thinking about the practice.
If it is standard in a social circle, then it is just the custom for that group, with no additional meaning implied. I can live with that. (Sorry, I still don’t like it, though.)
As someone who just downsized, I am going to just say that some of the “things” I had to get rid of (or honestly moved and still don’t use…) were wedding gifts. Of course the money would be long gone, but even newlyweds don’t always need more stuff (even if they think they do). I wish someone had given me savings bonds. 
Where it kicks is for guests who aren’t mired in that “custom” but may be judged by it. Or if those Inuits said, look, we’re paying for men to go hunt 10 caribou, you have to bring a contribution equivalent to that expense. That leaves it an equation. Your dried fish and berries will make you look cheap.
According to one article I read, by a supposedly highly respected wedding blogger (and planner,) this all may have started with village weddings, where everyone potlucked, to make a party, without cost all falling on the bride’s family. Nice gesture of unity.
Adding to @intparent
I volunteer at a charity thrift store. We get tons of donations from folks about our age who are moving to smaller homes, or out of the area. Lots of crystal (and I mean nice stuff like Waterford), china, serving dishes, decorative glassware, etc. we can’t give away the good china. Right now, there are four sets minimally service for 8 priced at $75 for the whole set…or less. No takers.
Makes me wonder what the next generation white elephant wedding gifts will be.
We try to give things the couple will likely use in their everyday lives. Last gift was a kitchen aid mixer. They all be and cook.
What makes me nuts is some of the registry items. Many are now given as shower gifts. Some couples pick really expensive items. I mean really…I’m not going to buy a $700 set of All Clad…or a Breville toaster oven. Or even the top of the line kitchen aid which is closer to $600. When couples put very expensive things on their registry…it almost makes it sound like that is the expectation for gifts.
This whole discussion of wedding gifts cracks me up. When we were married, my in-laws neighbor, a ninety year old bachelor farmer gave us a large steel bowl, that most likely cost him $10 a the hardware store. I remember thinking “white elephant”. And yet, I have used it almost everyday of our married life. Soak a sore foot, make the stuffing for the Thanksgiving turkey, a baby bathtub, making jam, it was always the “throw up bowl”, bringing stuff in from the garden, ice and beer for a party, etc. And every time I use it I think of Horace and how much he loved my Husband (as do I). That’s a wedding present that has more than “covered the plate”.
No, but several people might go in on the Kitchen Aid. And there are always some older doting relatives who may buy gifts $500 plus. I bought my niece her bassinet and bedding for her baby shower. It had to be in the $600-700 range. And other guests gave bibs and onesies and bottles. That’s fine too. Not a contest! I’m a “settled” 51 yo and that’s a different scenario from being a 20 something starting out.