@GMTplus7 Sounds just like Lane’s wedding on Gilmore girls. So that wasn’t an exaggeration…
My D asked for no videoing of her wedding ceremony at all. She wanted it to be how she remembered it, not overlaid by what it looked like from a lens.
So far, no errant videos have surfaced after three years, and so I’m assuming none will.
Her MIL wasn’t initially happy about it, but respected the decision.
I grew up Southern Baptist, so the wedding receptions were all cake and punch, nuts and mints. If you were really “fancy” you provided finger sandwiches. But most of the guests were Baptist, so they knew what to expect. Plus, virtually all of the weddings were at 2 pm, so due to the time, no one was expecting a meal.
I really think that a reception can/should be whatever the family/families can afford. It just a matter of selecting the appropriate time for the type of event. For example, I attend a wonderful “dry” reception where the wedding was at 10 am and the food was brunch-type food. Yes, a mimosa might have been nice, but no one seemed resentful about the lack of alcohol or dancing.
I have no problem with serving snacks if the event is at 10 am or 2 pm. If your event is from 6-9 pm, though, feed us dinner! I was just at a convention event with this problem…
Exactly, Hanna!
I think there’s a very simple way to exclude children without making a big deal out of a “no kids!” wedding. You just don’t put their names on the invitation. Maybe I’m dating myself, but if you follow basic rules of wedding etiquette, you’d write “Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So” (or Mr. and Mr.) on the outside envelope, then on a separate inside envelope, you’d write the first names of the individual invitees. So if it was just the parents, you’d write “Mitch and Clara” or “Susan and Clara” “Mitch and Mark” or whatever their names were. If you wanted their children, too, you’d write “Mitch and Clara” on the top line, and then below it, the names of their children, “Matthew, Kylie, and Peter.” If you wanted a single person to invite a plus one, you’d address the outside envelope to "Mr. Adam Martin’ and the inside one to “Adam and Guest.”
I know times have changed and concerns about the waste of paper have led to the elimination of the inner envelope (and even of paper invitations altogether), but there has to be a clearer way of indicating which members of the household are invited, even if you’re just doing an Evite. The confusion has come about because people aren’t specific about who is actually invited, and invitees just assume that everyone in their house is welcome.
But weddings are hideously expensive and if the bride or groom has to make the difficult decision not to invite cousin Sarah and Auntie Millie to make room for more of their close friends, then the other invitees should make sure they’re only bringing people who are actually invited.
My oldest is only 21, so we may have a few years before we have to host a wedding, but I’m hoping my kids just go for a cake and punch in the fellowship hall type of thing rather than a painful, expensive, list-making ordeal.
@romanigypsyeyes , it used to be that you could tell by the time of day what food would be served at the reception. A lot of people from my generation knew that if the wedding was at say, 10 a.m., you’d get brunch. If it was at 2, you’d get finger sandwiches, cake and champagne, and only if it was in the evening, could you expect a full meal. But now these “rules” are kind of archaic, especially because all the reality wedding shows make it look as if you have to serve a full meal or risk looking cheap.
Not to mention struggling with the difficult problem of seating charts.
I didn’t do seating charts and everyone was able to be an adult and figure out how to seat themselves 
I strongly dislike events that are in the evening and only serve appetizers. Everyone ends up feeling hungry and end up having to go out after.
I am born, raised and spent my entire adult life living in Ca. I have never attended a wedding that was just cake and punch in the fellowship hall. If I’m invited to a wedding I would expect some kind of a meal even if it’s just bagels and egg salad. My real pet peeve is weddings where they serve no protein or weddings where the only protein is salmon.
@garland, I also refused to have a videographer at my wedding. The last thing I wanted was to watch the video and think wow, I didn’t realize my bum looked so big in my dress or geez, everyone sure looks bored. Better just to have the memories.
My bro-in-law was married in a small town in North Dakota. It was automatically assumed that everyone in town was welcome to attend the ceremony and reception. All guests brought food contributions to the reception hall so it was basically a potluck; the family provided an open bar. Certainly solves the problem of guest lists, seating charts, and menus.
I’m with @mom60 on the salmon. It’s not tacky, but it seems a lot of people don’t eat seafood. I also don’t like when the only other choice is rare beef. It seems like when you’re trying to serve a variety of tastes perhaps a chicken or pasta dish should be one of the choices. Again, not tacky, just a pet peeve as mentioned above.
Haha. Doesn’t always work. We had a no kids wedding…none of the cousins were invited…NONE. And no kids. Well, MIL called and informed us that Cousin 1 “always comes to weddings so she is coming”. She was 9 years old. I politely said…“she is not invited”. I did this more than one time between when the invites were sent, and the wedding day.
Guess what…cousin 1 showed up at the wedding with her parents. And her name was NOT on the invitation.
I think that was tacky!
I had a family member get married. Large family with 30 first cousins. Mother of the bride cut off kids at high school age. My two children and only 2 others weren’t invited as they were in 7th and 8th grade. It was tacky and hurtful to the four not invited. It was an out of town wedding for us and they told my two kids they could stay at the house. Beautiful home but isolated. I refused that offer which I thought was even tackier… Here stay a this house that is isolated while all of your aunts, uncles and cousins are at a big party. I left my kids in our home town with different friends.
At 10:30, I get a call from the family where my daughter is staying saying she is sick and inconsolable. We left the wedding early to drive an hour and a half. We pick her up around 12:30. She immediately perked up and asked “How did (brides name) look? Was she beautiful? Why didn’t I get to go when most of my cousins did”. Her illness was directly related to hurt feelings and anxiety over missing the special day. Instead she missed it, we had to leave early and WHY??? Those four preteens would not have caused a problem or a distraction. We even offered to pay for the 4 of them if cost was an issue. To this day my daughter has not forgiven her Aunt and she holds resentment of her cousin NAND it still irritates the heck out of me when I think about it.
This is a great thread!
We recently received a wedding invitation that was not only printed like a newspaper but was actually newspaper-sized! It was a single sheet of standard newsprint, fold many times. In addition to wedding time/place info, it also had “stories” about how the bride and groom met, lists of gift registries, and even a crossword puzzle! I guess I am just too old-fashioned. Everything about weddings seems gimmicky to me these days. Lots of pressure to be unique.
I love traditional invitations, but that newspaper invitation seems like fun to me (and not tacky).
RE: posts #165 and #172 - One of the guests (relative on H’s side) sent the RSVP for four. Only two were invited. H made the awkward phone call. It ended up that nobody from that family attended… ‘If Y and Z can’t come, then A and B won’t be able to come.’ Okay, I’m sorry to hear that.
Seating arrangements/charts are hard to make, but seem necessary for a formal plated dinner.
I think wedding/reception planning can be hard to understand until you have to do/pay for it yourself. Setting up an extra table at a reception may cost a lot more than the cost of the meals - floral centerpiece, linens, chairs, etc.
Re inviting children, I have experienced both sides of that situation. I come from a large extended family and have over 50 first cousins, who of course eventually further expanded the family by marrying and having their own kids.
When I was growing up, every wedding/event had an age cutoff for the cousins. You were on one side or the other, even for my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary, for which there was a full ballroom reception with plated dinner, and for which only cousins 13 or older were included.
When my kids married:
My D invited all members of each nuclear family invited to her morning ceremony/brunch reception. She and her H have numerous friends who had started families, and they decided to make it an all ages event. (Full meal with cocktail hour, light entrees and sides, etc.)
They also arranged for three babysitters and a room with toys, etc. at the site (a museum) for child care that parents could use or not at will. Sitters would ferry kids back and forth from reception to child care room as wanted by child and/or parents. (As there were three sitters, one could walk a child to parents while two stayed in the child care room.)
The reception was semi-outdoors in an open wedding tent beside a river. Croquet was played on the lawn by seniors through kids.
All went well – all of the kids, some of them infants, behaved fine.
For son’s wedding, bride wanted an evening reception and did not invite kids. Some guests who traveled far (cross country) asked if a child could come. Bride’s mom ended up saying OK to that request. Others with kids went along with the invitation, including my family as we have a grandchild who traveled with his parents but did not attend the events – they arranged for a sitter in their hotel suite. My position was that we should respect the intention/preference of the bride. That reception went until 10 p.m. and that would have meant a bedtime issue anyway.
IMO it is the job of the guests to respect the invitation and be cooperative. Lines need to be drawn somewhere and family makeup and sizes and styles of events differ. Those hosting a wedding have enough to deal with and don’t need complications from guests who do not respect the decisions of the hosts re the guest list.
Apologies, as I know this is going somewhat off-topic, but I do not consider not inviting children to be at all “tacky.” It is simply a choice the hosts have every right to make.
Our kids were invited to an evening wedding reception. We took them to the afternoon ceremony…but brought our own babysitters with us for the evening. We were staying in a rather large condo with lots of space. Lots of toys were brought as well as food for the kids (who were too young to enjoy the prime rib being served anyway.
We brought two sitters with us…and also offered to have them watch the other two cousins…who were about the same age. Their oarents elected to take them to the ceremony…,until one cried and cried. It was late, had been a long day…and the kid was tired. Family member ended up driving them to the condo about an hour into the reception.
And these were four very well behaved kids who were invited to the wedding.
When one of these cousins married,mshe invited her aunts and uncles…but no great aunts and uncles…and no cousins, even the ones her age.
Worked out fine…and the whole family respected her wishes…which is NOT tacky!
Sometimes wedding hosts cut out kids because the hotel ballroom restricts the number of people that can be accommodated for a sit down event. For example if the room is 250 seated that is about 125 each for the bride and grooms family. The families have to streamline their guest list so it is not a question of offering to pay for 4 guests but making sitting room at the reception area. Also if a few kids are invited and other guests have kids that are not it results in an unhappy situation.
I still say the rules are made by the bride and groom and their families. It is their special day so if they only invite you as Mr & Mrs (no kids) you have the option of 1) getting a babysitter or 2) declining the invitation.
Some guest is going to get bent out of shape if their kids are not invited and that’s ok. You can’t please everyone and have to stick with your budget and what you are comfortable with.
At my sisters wedding for one guest we wrote Mr.& Mrs. (no kids). They mailed back the rsvp with Mr.&Mrs. plus 4 guests. My mother had to call her and tell her that due to the size of the hall she could only invite them as a couple and could not accommodate the other 4 guests. The lady huffed and puffed on the phone saying she couldn’t get a babysitter. Well the other two guests she was planning to bring were her inlaws who were not invited. (who could have stayed home and babysat) The wedding was 6 months away. Enough time to arrange for a babysitter. Anyway due to anger on the issue she declined but I am glad my mother didn’t waiver.
My mother was persistent and mentioned that seating was assigned so she was sorry but she could not accommodate 4 extra guests. For the next sisters wedding this couple was not invited at all.
I think it is inappropriate to not respect(disregard) the wedding hosts wishes. That is tacky. They get to decide the menu. In some weddings the menu is going to be no alcohol or meat due to religious reasons. It gets harder to meet guest preferences because these days everyone has different dietary restrictions. Just the word vegetarian has so many different meanings to various people. I may not eat beef or salmon but I would make due with whatever was served. Surely there would be at least one dish I could eat or I would stuff myself with appetizers and dessert. The point is to share in their special day and share their happiness.