Taking away the keys from someone who has had too much to drink

Parent Cafe
1

Earlier this month, I was unsuccessful in getting someone to allow me to drive them home after I believed they had drank too much. I’ve talked to my husband and two close friends about it and none of them can come up with a better way to have handled it. So I’m hoping to get some stories or experiences from people that might help me deal with this situation, as I expect a repeat in December.

The situation: A combo meeting/celebratory dinner at a local restaurant for a volunteer group I am part of. Although I am vice-chair, having been with this group only 4 years, and being in my late 40s makes me more of a junior member. The majority of the volunteers are retirees in their 60s -80s. We do this twice/year and it was known ahead of time that one person would be purchasing wine for the table.

Attendance was low and not everyone drinks. Five people wanted red wine and only one asked for white, so the waiter brought 5 wine glasses, a bottle of red, and one glass of white wine. The woman who wanted white, reacted with, “Don’t give me that. I wanted the bottle,” as she finished off the martini she had ordered when she was seated. (only one with a cocktail) The waiter placed the bottle by her and twice she refilled her giant glass with giant servings. One of the women drinking red refilled with white, but a standard serving size. Two hours after that initial martini was ordered, the meeting was over, the white wine bottle was empty, the woman in question was using crude language, acting overly friendly to me, and appeared unsteady when she got up to go to the bathroom. Not sloppy drunk, but clearly buzzed.

I turned to the woman to my left (also in her 40s) and asked her if she would assist me in getting this woman home. She also asked the person to her left (the other person at the table in my age range). I suggested that one of us drive the imbiber home in her car, with another following. Then the follower could return the driver to the restaurant to get her car and drive home. The imbiber would have her car at her house for the following day.

I privately approached the imbiber about the plan and also offered that we could sit with her at the restaurant until she was ready to drive. She then got the attention of everyone else with her loud insistence that she was fine to drive. I explained to others what the plan would be. She then went on about how she’s unsteady because she has bad knees. And here’s where it went downhill - two other people came to her defense and said, “She’ll be fine.” At that point it was game over. One of the other 40-somethings wanted to follow her home. She and I were seriously concerned, but helpless. (I told her I didn’t think following her home was going to do any good. I did not follow up to see if she did it.)

Should we have got a manager involved? Called the cops on her? I am at a loss. I think the 70-somethings that came to her defense weren’t saying that she wasn’t buzzed, but that she’d be fine driving home. Our state legal limit is 0.08 and guessing her weight, I calculate her at around 0.12. She is a drinker, and clearly has a tolerance, but that doesn’t make it any less illegal.

So what do you do in this situation?

2

Wow, tough question. I was recently at a mall restaurant with someone I was worried might not be quite ready to drive. So I suggested I really needed help picking something out and “stalled the trip” for a little while.
That won’t always work, of course.

3

I would have gotten the manager of the restaurant involved and had him/her make the decision. They served the alcohol and if they over served a guest, could be liable if there was an injury. That gets you out of the middle too.

Going forward, if this meal is sponsored by an agency, I would seriously consider making it a dry event. If people are paying their own way, if someone is friendly with this woman, maybe they could offer to carpool so she isn’t driving.

4

I think bringing it the manager is an excellent idea. When something similar happened at a family party, the host swiped and hid the person’s car keys.

5

Can you offer to drive her on the basis of wanting company or having some other mutual task beforehand? Guessing she’s not got uber on her phone…

It doesn’t sound like being direct will help. –
It is possible that she has a problem with alcohol in general and that this situation made it too public for comfort. Having had more than a little experience with this, just mention of having had “too much” will trigger an out of proportion response because it is for the person not about a single incident but about dependency.

6

Ahead of the December meet-up, I’d take it upon myself to suggest everybody carpools; that way, you are not singling her out

7

She could have killed someone. IMO you should v=have called the police - even though it might have caused issues in the group.

8

Thank you for your efforts to prevent this person from driving. I would be concerned about the organization’s possible liability if this person drinks (at an organization-related function), drives, and causes a collision. Is there someone else in the organization you could talk to about the situation?

9

Carpooling is a bad idea. She will think she can drink as much as she wants. It could get ugly.

I initially thought contacting the manager would be a good idea. But it will get back to you being the ‘fun police.’

Your best options are to tell the manager that you noticed an inebriated woman (or person) leave their restaurant. Don’t say she was at your table or even a description. The other option is to call the police and tell them of the location of the impaired driver.

10

I think I would consider excusing myself under the premise of using the restroom, then seeking out the manager to explain the predicament. Despite the awkward nature of the situation, the restaurant cannot afford to risk the liability involved - especially when it has been brought to their attention.

I would also consider sending a communication to the woman on behalf of both you and the other leaders, expressing your concerns with her behavior. You can describe the basic facts and tell her plainly that such behavior is unacceptable and cannot be repeated.

11

I disagree with the second paragraph above. I don’t think that will help anyone.

But I do like your first paragraph very much.

12

If the organization sponsors the meal, even if it doesn’t pay for the wine, I think the organization needs to set some rules. Either no alcohol or anyone who has ANY alcohol must take an Uber or taxi or get a ride home. No exceptions.

I worked for a big company and the annual Christmas party was an issue. When we offered taxis many wouldn’t take them because then their cars would be at the hotel and it would cost them $50 (a lot in those days) to retrieve it. We had better luck when we offered TWO taxi vouchers, home from the hotel and to back the next day to pick up a car. If I had to do it again today, I’d make the rides to/from required if the company was providing alcohol. And we were ALWAYS providing alcohol.

My parents ( in their 80’s) recently discovered the joys of Uber. My sister paid for them to take one to my nephew’s graduation about 40 miles away. It dropped them right at the doors of the event center. My father should never be driving (doesn’t stop him) and my mother doesn’t drive at night.

I’d also confront the woman before the next event. Tell her directly that you were concerned for her, and concerned for the liability of the organization. You want her to have a good time at the dinners, but the liability is just too great to have her (anyone) drinking and then driving. Explain that she WILL be getting and Uber ride home after the next dinner.

13

@VeryHappy OP may or may not agree with you. At worst I’m batting 0.500 though, right? :wink:

14

The law firm I worked for had an amazing holiday party and publicized to all guests that the limo would drive everyone home as a perk of the party. Most folks got someone to drop them off at the party or knew they’d have to get car picked up next day. Worked great! Riding a limo was a great treat and added to the festive atmosphere. They had an entire limo service standing by.

As a law firm, they were very aware of liability issues and were very generous in offering alcohol and wonderful food at the party.

15

I have often wished that venues would have breathalyzers available for their patrons. It could save much heartache for many people. They really are not that expensive.

16

Agree that going forward, the organization is best served by getting up to speed with the liability and responsibilities they have as the hosts of any event, including ones where alcohol is available. These situations can become very personal very quickly. Helpful to get the big picture better defined and have organizational leadership clarify the resulting procedures to all members.

17

Your organization needs to have an alcohol policy. Either you have no alcohol at your gatherings, or you have a designated driver for any gathering where alcohol is served. This will take the shame away for the alcoholic and protect the public at the same time.

18

Would it matter in this case? Common sense says the person was impaired when they had a bottle of wine and a martini. Breathalyzers don’t prevent people from intentionally driving drunk. They can provide a false sense of security. Last time I looked at this in one state, you were automatically presumed impaired at 0.08, but could still be charged as low as 0.03, which depending on body weight might be the case after one drink. Simpler to tell everyone if they drink anything, have someone else drive them home.

19

Instead of having your friend follow the drunk driver, call the police and have them do it. And tell her you’re going to do it. It is legal to call the police when you see someone driving drunk, and if you see the person get in her car and start driving, you’ll be seeing someone drive drunk.

20

I left out one piece of information - the woman who was drinking is the chairperson. I also think there’s a huge generational gap, I’m in the group who came of drinking age with a huge awareness of drunk driving and most everyone else in the group who is older could probably tell “humorous” stories that involve drunk driving in their youth. And of course, they survived just fine.

I’m really, really hoping that after this dinner, everyone will be more aware and keeping an eye on her for our December dinner. (We meet monthly and have other events, but the dinners are 2x/year in August and December.) And I hope maybe she’s more self-conscious about drinking in front of me. I like the idea of excusing myself to go to the bathroom and telling the manager. Although I’m not sure how that would have worked since technically she only had one martini on her tab. But it’s worth a try.

When I lived in France, we were required to have two disposable breathalyzer tests in our car. They were cheap and you could buy them just about anywhere. Never used one, but I wish that was a thing here. Could settle many of these arguments.