Taking over deceased parent's finances

Parent Cafe
1

My father passed away last week as 89, and while he knew in April he was going downhill, he never took care of organizing his accounts. My mother pays a few things herself, but most of their bills my dad actually paid online. It is now my task to figure out who he owes, what accounts to close and notify of his death, etc. As I have access to his email and cell phone, it was suggested if I can not find his account passwords, to select “forgot username and/or password” on each site; that way it will be emailed or texted to me. I haven’t been on his computer yet, just his iPad, so it is possible he has passwords saved.

Any suggests and words of wisdom as how I navigate? Unfortunately, he had more debt that he would have liked, and my mother is worried some will come after her for the money. Her personal checking account had his name added at some point recently, so she wants to remove him from her account.

I am angry at myself for not making him give me the information and/or giving me power of attorney. He chose to ignore that he would die soon, and was of sound mind until 2 days before, so I didn’t push. That said, maybe he has all the information I need on his desk; I just haven’t gone through it yet.

One other unrelated question-Dad had a fire box with all his insurance polices in it that was stored in my attic. He stopped paying on some of these, so they are of no value. In the box was an envelope to my mother to open later. I know he hasn’t been in this box for well over 4 years, and maybe it has been 20 years. If the letter is old, maybe before he had a surgery 20 years ago, the letter may not be relevant. Is it a how much I love you letter, that I had an affair/child, there is hidden money, etc… They have been married for 70 years and like many marriage, have had their ups and downs, but loved each other in their own way. Mom is 88 and if it is a tell all (which I can not imagine, but watch a lot of tv movies) do I want mom to read it? If it is a love letter, is she ready to read it now, or do I wait? I really thought of steaming it opened to read before giving to her, but that is such an evasion of privacy.

Looking for any and all suggestions.

2

I wouldn’t hesitate to steam it open and take a quick glance for the gist. If it seems troublesome you can consider what to do. No reason to make your moms last years miserable. If it’s a love letter I’d stop reading and put it back in envelope and give to her.

3

First off - my condolences on the loss of your Dad. Very sorry you need to deal with all that. Try to be gentle on yourself - it’s really not your fault things are a mess.

I have had several friends have to deal with wrapping up the personal business of loved ones as estate executors and it’s SO much work. I don’t think there is any shortcut but I would start with resetting his electronic accounts and reviewing the last month’s mail to get a sense of current assets and liabilities.

I would also get a lawyer’s advice on the debt. Depending on the state they reside in, your mom may be liable for your Dad’s debts.

Personally, I would steam open the envelope. Just me but to protect the feelings of an 88 year old I would be willing to read an old letter intended for her before I gave it to her. You wouldn’t throw his financial mess in her lap without trying to sort it out first, I would use the same standard for personal matters. What your Dad wanted is relatively unimportant compared with how things will affect your mom.

4

Condolences on the loss of your Dad. Stop beating yourself up. Even if you had pushed, he might have pushed back. Nothing you can do about it now, except to learn from the experience, and work to do things differently for your heirs.

On the financial side of things, my suggestion is to slow down. You have some time to deal with this. As far as closing accounts, etc., some of that you can’t do until you have a death certificate. In my state/county, that takes a couple of weeks, at least. Take the time, now, to go through that desk, and see what records were left. Take time to plan out what you want the end result to be. Aside from bills being paid, the rest you can do at your own pace, within reason. Have patience with yourself, this will take time.

When my sister took over my dad’s finances, there was at least one financial holding that she didn’t find until a tax form, or other notice, was mailed the next January.

So patience and good thoughts as you travel this path.

5

I am so sorry about your Dad, and also having to navigate through everything. I would also steam open the letter.

6

You’re likely going to need death certificates for some of this. I would go over everything with a fine-toothed comb. Are you going to manage your mother’s finances now? After FIL died 3 years ago, one of H’s brothers took over all her accounts, streamlined everything and is making sure she has adequate resources. We are so thankful for this, since his mother was never the one who managed the $$.

7

Go and ask on Bogleheads. Do the banks etc know he has passed? Be careful of who you inform before you have established access. They will shut down any password recovery routes, t seems your mum doesn’t have her name on his accounts? Isn’t all debt shared with marriage?

8

My condolences on the loss of your dad.

I have no advice that hasn’t already been mentioned - but going forward it’s time to get your mom’s things in order, and a Power of Attorney isn’t enough.

Even though all my mom’s assets are in a trust and I have POA (and medical proxy) I still had to been added to all her checking/savings/retirement and investment accounts and even her safety deposit box. For that I had to provide documented proof that I was who I said I was - even with my mom sitting right next to me at the bank.

Lots of papers to sign and get notarized to do all of these things. I also am an authorized user on every account - even her cable account. I found that out when I was staying with her when she was in the hospital and I couldn’t get an appointment with Comcast for service appointment.

I suggest consulting an elder attorney also, to make sure everything is in order.

I would also open the letter to be on the safe side.

9

So sorry about the loss of your dad. I agree with all of the foregoing advice. I believe that instead of a POA you will need to be recognized as the executor or administrator (if he didn’t have a will) by the court so you can have access to his financial and other accounts. I was my dad’s executor and had to request special “letters” from the court every 60 days stating that I was still the Executor because many institutions required them before they’d speak with me. You may also need multiple original copies of the death certificate because some banks and other companies require originals.

Also agree that you shouldn’t notify about his death until you speak with an attorney.

I would strongly suggest consulting with an estate attorney to insure you follow all the legal ins and outs. As someone mentioned previously, it can be confusing so professional help while not cheap can be valuable in navigating the waters.

10

Oh, @snowball-- so sorry for your loss.

11

I’m so sorry about your dad!

I also agree with getting the advice of an attorney. Unless it was otherwise specified, your mom should inherit everything as the surviving spouse. I would talk to an attorney to have your mom make you her POA so you can help her deal with the finances.

12

Adding my condolences. I can’t add much otherwise, but will be reading over your shoulder since I’ll soon be in a similar position - without the letter or dealing with the other parent, etc.

I’d read the letter. No sense in giving your mom grief if that’s involved. Some secrets are better kept secret after so long. If it’s good, then you can let her have a comforting memory with no guilt at all.

13

So sorry about your loss. Hugs.

Your mom will most likely be responsible for his debts if they are community or marital debts, unfortunately. As others advised, talk to an estate attorney licensed in the state where your parents live.

Ditto about peeking at the letter. Did he have a will?

14

Sorry about your loss @snowball. My mother left her affairs in pretty good order, but it was still a pain with many of her accounts requiring death certificates. The least significant recurring bill was her long distance provider (she never had a cell phone) and they were the most annoying to deal with for a bill of under $10/month. I would personally use the forgot my password feature for now to keep things current until you get death certificates. Good luck to you as you navigate this maze.

15

I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re getting a lot of good advice here.

I am thinking about starting a new thread, “Actions to take as your parents age.” There are so many things that are important to do! Fortunately, my sister and I got MPOA and DPOA for our parents back in November. We really thought it was unnecessary but did it when someone offered to do it for us for free. Well, five months later, it turned out to be really important when my dad had heart surgery. We also got permission to access their safety deposit box and Dad showed us everything that was in it.

Dad has hired a woman to take over all their financial affairs since Mom has made so many mistakes recently. Do you think you could hire someone to help?

16

Sorry for your loss.

Don’t assume the insurance policies have no value. If they are old fashioned whole life they are designed to stop paying at some point and the dividends maintain the policy. No cash value but the death benefit is in tact. Also if there is any cash value when he stopped paying but not enough to maintain the original benefit level it is converted to level of reduced benefit called a “paid up” policy benefit.

This all assumes he did not remove the cash value in the form of a policy loan or it was purely term insurance. You’ll have to check.

Call the companies and read the policy carefully first.

17

I am sorry for your loss. You are doing a wonderful service for your mother digging into this.

I very strongly discourage resetting his passwords so you can access his accounts. This may speed things up, but it is fraud and a bad way to start. You’ll need to gather all the records you can, but you’ll than have to deal with each account. A first step will be to get named as executor or personal representative of his estate.

Do you know whether he has a will? Some of the accounts may be joint with your mother, so you can go with her to the bank to get access to them, or have her on the phone with you when you call. Others may list her as a beneficiary so that you can get the account in her name as soon as you have a death certificate. Neither of these actions needs for there to be a will or for you to be named executor/PR.

Try not to get in too much of a hurry with this, better to do things right than have to do them over.

18

Again, so sorry. Agree that you should go ahead and change passwords so you know you can get into the accounts, but be prepared that for many, when they discover he has passed away they will shut down or lock his account if you or your mom aren’t on it. If he has airline miles in an account, move them ASAP to yours or you will lose them.

19

He has a will, but we have not been to the safety deposit box to get it. There is one in the fire box, but I know there is a newer one. I will not have the death certificates for a week or so, and have no plans to notify any companies prior to figuring out what is up with each. Mom should be on most accounts, so she will have access, she just doesn’t do online banking like dad did.

I am pretty sure my uncle and I are executors for both mom and dad, or were back in the 80’s. I can not imagine he changed that, but will talk to mom about it. His accountant has everything and knows me, so mom and I will get with him. I can not remember if his attorney is still alive, but I assume someone else has a good bit of his information.

For the letter, I was thinking I might let my husband look at it as he won’t be emotional about it!

20

@snowball - ((HUGS)) I am so sorry for your loss.

I was just going to suggest having someone else read the letter. Then you wouldn’t even have to know if it is something you just don’t want to know.

Sending ? to you and your family.