<p>D is a junior at a LAC. This morning she received an email from the dean of students asking her to set up a meeting with him to discuss her relationship with Joe Smith (not his real name), who is her former boyfriend. She met with the dean about an hour ago; the meeting lasted about ten minutes and the reason the dean asked for the meeting was to tell my D not to contact Joe anymore. D told him that she had sent him a few emails since the beginning of the semester but the last one was two weeks ago, and that she has not had any other contact with him. The dean just repeated that she should not contact him.</p>
<p>D and Joe dated for about a year; the decision to break up was his. At the time, D was not on campus but instead was studying abroad (he sent her a text message saying that he wanted to break up). </p>
<p>This makes me very angry, that the dean of students is summoning my daughter to tell her not to contact this guy. What business is it of his? D was very, very upset (in tears when she talked to me) thinking that Joe had gone to the dean and told him lots of terrible things about her–why else would the dean care if she contacts him?</p>
<p>My rational self says to let it go, that perhaps there is more going on with Joe that the dean is dealing with. My emotional side wants to call the dean’s office and tell him to leave my daughter alone, unless he has a very good reason to summon her.</p>
<p>Advice? Thoughts? What would all of you wise CC parents do?</p>
<p>I imagine that there is a lot more to this story. I am guessing that the guy made a complaint through the school, and that there was probably some evidence he had to present before the Dean would become involved. Is there a way you can check her records to see if she has been calling or texting the ex-boyfriend?</p>
<p>Suzy, The dean told my D that she was not in any trouble, and he did not question her when she told him that she had not had any contact with Joe for two weeks.</p>
<p>This does seem strange. I would try to look into it further and perhaps make a call to the Dean yourself. But, try to find out if there is more to the story from your D. If what she is saying is correct, this should not have been brought to the Dean, and in that case, if I were your D, I would be insulted by this.</p>
<p>I am wondering if it is ‘Joe’ who is in trouble and the dean is contacting/screening anyone who may have been involved in ‘Joe’s’ antics.
But for privacy reasons could not disclose more to OP’s DD.</p>
<p>A (very nice) friend of mine was once accused of “stalking” an ex after what she felt were a few innocent contacts. I think sometimes the person ending the relationship can feel sort of guilty and therefore any kind of continued contact can cause defensive, threatened feelings. So that’s another thought. I’d be upset too if I were you or your D, but I’d suggest just venting about it here until you feel better.</p>
<p>I would also make a log of the contact they did have, and then delete Joe smith from everything…phone, Facebook, emails, whatever. In any of the various scenarios, she did bug him, he did overeact, or he indeed is in some sort of trouble, creating as much distance as possible is very important.</p>
<p>Maybe Joe has complained that D has been harassing/stalking him. Maybe the Dean looked at the evidence, concluded that D was doing nothing wrong, but wanted to warn her to cease all contact with Joe because he was taking it the wrong way and it was a big nuisance for everyone.</p>
<p>Seems odd to be called in to an academic office for a personal matter. As someone else has suggested, you could check to see how many times DD actually called or texted. If I want to check calls, I can just go onto my online cell phone account. That way, you might have a better idea. I would add that when kids are in a relationship, they can have LOTS of exchanges in a day.</p>
<p>I am sure that your daughter was embarrassed, but I would tell her to never contact him again and it will pass.</p>
<p>I smell lawsuit. Boyfriend did something, either on campus or with another student; someone’s going to get sued, big money is at stake; Dean is covering his bases by formally warning your daughter not to have any contact with him so as to limit any perceived further exposure for the school. Upsetting for your D (who is in the dark) but I don’t think it has anything to do with her. Tell her to follow Dean’s instructions to the letter. No contact means: no phone calls; no texting; no FB.</p>
<p>I don’t smell lawsuit, but I do smell some cyaing going on. As for it being the dean of students, what other person would have been better? Head of security? Head of the clinic? An ra? </p>
<p>Joe obviously has some issues and fthe ops daughter needs to step back, way back from him. Don’t ask about him with friends, don’t tell anyone else about this incident, even good friends, then daughter needs to move past this, and go phew</p>
<p>I think the best advice to parents in this situation is to stay out of it. I would not go digging into cell phone records, text records, e-mail, etc.</p>
<p>At this point, no harm, no foul. Daughter is not in any trouble. No point in stirring things up. I, too, believe that this is all about the ex being in some kind of a jam, not your daughter.</p>
<p>Your D is probably not in the wrong, since you think that and you know her best. On the other hand, you said she’d sent a “few emails since the beginning of the semester”. It’s still January. When did the semester start? How many is “a few”? And for what reason, since they’re not a couple any more?</p>
<p>No, I’m not asking for answers to these questions, and I’m not suggesting anyone is at fault. I’m just suggesting that if you think your daughter is very upset about the breakup, you might want to keep an eye out for whether to suggest she go to the college’s help center, just to have a helpful and trained person to talk it over with. </p>
<p>Just a different take. Not saying it’s the correct one.</p>
<p>You said your daughter took the breakup hard. At such a young age sometimes it is hard to move on. By the way, what an insensitive jerk the ex-boyfriend is to go to the dean. She’s lucky to be rid of him.</p>
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<p>This is extremely important and this may be very difficult for your daughter. If questioned down the road she has to be able to say she has initiated absolutely no contact with her ex-boyfriend.</p>
<p>When you talk with her again tell her that she will get through this, both the no contact and the breakup.</p>
<p>I find myself wondering if the dean has told your daughter everything she has a right to know. Did your d get the impression that Joe presents a threat in some way? Sorry to sound paranoid, but I don’t understand the need for a 10-minute face-to-face meeting if the dean’s message was simply, “Don’t have any additional contact with Joe.” Did the dean give any sort of reason? I know there are confidentiality restrictions on what the dean can share, but the situation seems odd to me. I agree that the d needs to step back from the guy, but I personally would need reassurance that my d’s safety was not in doubt.</p>
<p>Sounds to me like Joe is a thin skinned coward. Too cowardly to break up with OP’s daughter in person, and then gets upset when she tries to remain friends. There’s nothing wrong with trying to remain friends after a breakup, lots of people do it. My advice to her would be to thank her lucky stars that she never has to have anything further to do with Joe the rest of her time in college, and then move on to meet new guys who have more class.</p>