<p>Maybe when your daughter calms down a little, she will be able to share more details, and you will get a better picture of what happened. And a better feel for what the dean was actually trying to express to your daughter. I just find it odd that the dean was involved in a personal issue. That just sounds a little odd. I would think that even if a student complained about “harrassment” of another student, there would be other avenues that the complaining student would be directed to for resolution. </p>
<p>If it was my daughter, I would be looking into her recent texts and calls to make sure that she was not getting herself into a bad place, and was truthful that she had not called/ texted him in the past 2 weeks. Just out of cautiousness and to be sure that I did not jump to conclusions without all of the facts in front of me. And I would print those phone/text records out and put them in a little file to cover your daughter in the future if needed. I would do it to assure the well being of my child.</p>
<p>Is it possible that perhaps Joe’s grades went down, perhaps he had a scholarship on the line, or perhaps he was put on academic probation, or messed up in some other way on campus, and he said there were extenuating circumstances relating to the end of a long term relationship with your daughter, yadda, yadda,yadda…</p>
<p>Is Joe Smith another student? A TA? An RA? A teacher? Or someone not related to the college at all?</p>
<p>If he’s another student it is possible he claimed she harrassing him. If it’s one of the others it’s possible they are concerned about inappropriate fraternization of some sort.</p>
<p>I totally agree with vlines. I think it’s important to vertify this information separately from what your daughter had told you just to be on the safe side for a variety of reasons ranging from making sure she’s not in some sort of emotional trouble to being able to back her up if something happens in the future.</p>
<p>I would also be tempted (and this totally not my style at all) to call the Dean and just tell him what your daughter reported and then say that if there is something going on with this boy that might put your daughter in danger, you would like to know. Chances are because of privacy laws, he’s not going to tell you much but you might get some reassurances one way or the other.</p>
<p>I would tell my daughter this, honey, you need to be honest with yourself. If there was more contact then what you told the dean, while it’s really none ofnhis business, there will be a trail and if Joe decides to be a jerk, it will come out. I doubt he will, but at least in your own mind. and to that end you should save any old emails, etc and put in a file somewhere, then delete him from everything. Any which way, he is being a jerk and however the dean got involved, you don’t want to look bad. </p>
<p>Yeah this stinks, but it’s over and you need to protect yourself from the bad ex.</p>
<p>The daughter knows what she did and didn’t do, mom doesn’t need to hunt down all the records, but she can give daughter then old bills. As for emails, she shouldn’t delete, but put in a file and ignore. </p>
<p>Involving the school was weird. So gut instinct tells me the school sees Joe as off, but sometimes off people can make a stink.</p>
<p>My only concern would be (and this is not characteristic for me) whether your daughter is in any danger from this Joe Smith.</p>
<p>Is it possible that the Dean has reason to believe that Joe Smith could cause harm to someone and is wanting your D to steer clear? If so, he would have her best interests at heart, but college administrations don’t always get it right in deciding how to handle troubled students and what they might do.</p>
<p>Perhaps my idea is far out, and I am usually not a worrier, but I would suggest your D (or you?) check in with the Dean to make sure he does not have any reason to believe she is at risk of harm.</p>
<p>I would think that college officials would have a clear sense of the duty to warn if any danger was suspected. I think it’s more likely that OP’s D just made a few more contacts than her ex was ok with, possibly just to talk over what went wrong (nor unreasonable at all and he showed no social skills ending it the way he did). But of course none of us knows what really happened. The major take away is avoiding this guy like the plague.</p>
<p>Ask yourself "What has been my daughters usual way of handling personal relationships?’</p>
<p>Does she have a history of becoming overly emotional? Does she strike out verbally? Yell? Threaten? </p>
<p>Kids do not tell us everything. They really do not tell us everything.</p>
<p>Be supportive and loving. I don’t recommend checking out cell phone records etc at this time. How would you feel if you saw that she has called him numerous times a day. How would you deal with your feelings towards her then?</p>
<p>If I looked at my childs cell phone records to verify that she was not having frequent contact with Joe in that medium, and I saw evidence of what could be considered stalking by some, I would intervene. I would discuss with my child the findings, I would explain the concerns, and i would encourage them to seek assistance from counselling to deal with the loss. </p>
<p>If I looked at the records and they supported my childs claim, I would print them out, and put them in a safe place in case that documentation was needed in the future. Still talk to child to make sure that I was not missing something. Do that read between the lines that we have to be good at thing. Pull the “yes, I do have eyes everywhere” thing we have done so well! </p>
<p>My guess is one of 3 things is happening: </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Joe is in trouble, and his email was reviewed by the school for what ever reason. The dean gave dhtr a heads up to back off for her safety. Can’t disclose more to dhtr. </p></li>
<li><p>Joe did not do well last semester. He is on edge of being dismissed for academics. Joe told his parents that the break up, and daughters continued pursuing of him impacted his studies. Parents believed him (even if not true), contacted dean so that he could stay in school and have some sympathy because of the “stalker”. Dean then contacted dhtr to cover his bases, and again out of concern for your daughter. He could have referred the complaint directly to police- but chose to protect dhtr. </p></li>
<li><p>Dhtr did have a hard time with break up, was contacting Joe often. She does not realize the appearance of her actions, frequency of her contacts, or how deeply this breakup was affecting her. So she may not be truthful with mom, but only because she has not realized the extent of her actions. Sometimes, someone needs to point out behaviors for you to see them. (Coming from a pointee and pointer!)</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Don’t you think as a parent it is appropriate to look into the situation a little bit, look at phone records, discuss more with dhtr, and assure everything is really OK. And that DHTR has the skills and support to handle whatever is going on? Isn’t that why we are called parents? I am not advocating flying to the college and having a sit in in the deans office and causing a scene. Or hiring a private detective to follow her around and listen in on phone calls. Just some behind the scenes recon to verify dhtr’s story and well being. Being her “wingman”, watch her back…</p>
<p>Well summarized vlines. And to those that think the Dean would disclose it, if Joe himself was the problem and possibly poses a threat to the OPs daughter, no. That would open a whole can of worms that legal counsel will have told them to avoid.
Not trying to scare the OP but I would certainly probe a bit more and get to the bottom of what seems to be going on.</p>
<p>I would say that vlines has hit the nail on the head… most likely a combination of points 2 and 3. I have a feeling this Joe kid has some guilt and is blowing contact by your daughter out of proportion and went to his parents. </p>
<p>Tell her to forward you any emails she sent him and then delete them on her end. She needs to delete his number from her cell phone and off her facebook. This must be so hard for her and I am sure she was embarassed about being called in by the dean…</p>
<p>Just stress to her the need to cut off contact him…</p>
<p>Thanks for all of the thoughtful posts here. I am still unsure of what to do next (if anything) but I appreciate hearing everyone’s point of view.</p>
<p>I did talk to D again briefly this evening and asked her if the dean had said anything that sounded like he was trying to warn her that Joe could be a danger, and she did not think so. Of course, the dean could have not been direct enough, or D could have missed the signals . . . (And Joe is another student, t answer someone’s question.)</p>
<p>I do know that Joe has been in danger of losing his scholarship before–one semester (last fall I think) D had said he was writing an extra paper for a class because he needed a certain grade to keep his scholarship.</p>
<p>I do understand the suggestions to check the phone records and tell D to document her emails (I do know that she unfriended him on facebook). It is of course possible that she is misrepresenting how much she has been contacting him but if that were the case, why would the dean not have confronted her about this? </p>
<p>The thing that has me both puzzled and angry is that the meeting with the dean seems to have had no obvious point.</p>
<p>If it was some legal issue or somebody covering his butt, the daughter would probably have had to sign something saying she had been officially informed, and/or there would have had to be a witness present.</p>
<p>Also, if the daughter is over 18, don’t expect to get any info out of the Dean. There are all sorts of privacy rules he’d be breaking if he told the mother anything.</p>
<p>Even if D were opposed to my calling? I don’t know for sure but I suspect that she would see that as adding to her embarassment. She is on-board with the sentiment that some have expressed here, that she is glad to be rid of him if he is going to handle his problems (real or perceived) by complaining about her to the dean.</p>
<p>Kids use a lot of instant message outside of text now, so there is no point of checking on your kid’s phone record. But I would check nevertheless.</p>
<p>I do not believe the dean would have talked to your D without some sort of evidence given by her Ex, whatever that is. I don’t believe the dean spoke to D to protect her. If he/she thought D could be in danger, they would do more to just have a talk with her. Assuming D is in danger (at risk), by speaking with her (warning her), the school would be more liable if anything should happen to D. I think the dean spoke with D because he/she thought D was stalking her Ex (right or wrong).</p>
<p>I would speak with D, make sure she has absolutely no contact with the ex - FB, IM, texting…I would speak with the Dean to have him/her expalin the situation to me.</p>