<p>OP, I don’t know you or your D, so take this for what it’s worth: the wording of your post makes it sound as though the Dean was giving your D a warning that it is her behavior that is the problem. You said that he told her “not to contact Joe anymore.” Maybe I’m reading that too literally, but to me it implies that she is initiating unwanted contact with him, and he has complained to someone.</p>
<p>ETA: Agree with oldfort, posting at the same time.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>But really, if that were the case, is it a matter for the dean of students? Do deans really spend their time telling students not to contact each other? Assuming that what D has said is true–that she has emailed Joe a few times since the beginning of the semester, most recently two weeks ago–why would the dean not tell Joe that he is over-reacting rather than summon my D and tell her not to contact him? And if there were evidence that D was contacting Joe more, why would the dean not present that evidence to D, and tell her that if she continued she would be in trouble of some sort?</p>
<p>it does sound like the dean’s purpose in speaking with your daughter was to instruct her to not contact Joe any more. I agree if there was a danger to your daughter there would be more clear information, ie. be aware of your surroundings, report any unwanted contact you receive by Joe. If he wanted to instruct your daughter he would not likely present evidence, nor indicate that she’d be in trouble. What I find troubling is that it doesn’t sound like the dean gave your daughter an opportunity to present her perspective so to speak. In other words, it sounds like he accepted Joe’s version of complaint/concern, but maybe that’s because he himself saw evidence.</p>
<p>I think by saying, “Don’t contact him again,” the dean is giving clear instruction and doesn’t have to say what they would do if she continued. Also, it may be that the problem isn’t the frequency of contact, it was the nature: something she said that was taken a certain way, or the time in which she contacted him (middle of the night).</p>
<p>I am purely guessing, but this is where I’d go if it was my D: the Dean of Students is involved because Joe made a complaint to the school, in lieu of filing some type of report with the police. Deans really don’t tell their students not to contact each other, unless they have evidence that there is contact that may be “problematic.” I would be thinking that Joe has some type of evidence of this and that warranted the Dean to act. I would be thinking that he’s probably trying to stop this from going any further, and so that it’s true that if she stops contact, she isn’t “in trouble.” Again, I am purely speculating and I don’t know your D at all, so I’m not trying to be offensive - it’s just what I would be thinking.</p>
<p>My first thought was that maybe the emails were through the school’s email (their school email addresses), Joe complained about the contact to the Dean, Dean got involved because the contact involved the school’s email system. Just a thought</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I think the young man has complained about being stalked by your D. I can see her desire to talk with him–he ends a year long relationship with a text when she’s out of the country. She wants to know what went wrong. She wants to talk with him. He doesn’t want to talk with her. </p>
<p>She should move on or run the risk that the school will have to start disciplinary proceedings against her. I think the dean is giving her a chance to change her behavior so that the school doesn’t have to get officially involved.</p>
<p>vlines
</p>
<p>The parent angle makes a lot of sense to me.
The Dean may have been the one to contact Joe’s parents regarding his academic standing. In defending their son, they may have named your daughter as “a possible problem.” especially if Joe mentioned your daughter’s contact in a negative way to them. Joe may not even be aware that your daughter was called in. It may have been the Dean’s idea, just to give Joe one last chance. If your daughter is no longer contacting Joe, and Joe does poorly this semester, it will remove
any excuses for Joe, and he’ll probably be lose his scholarship.<br>
All speculation, of course. But we really don’t know for sure that Joe even went to the Dean. It may have been the parents.</p>
<p>I agree with whoever said that more information might come forth from D as time goes on. And yes, I believe kids don’t tell you everything (except nrdsb4’s children). As one kid told his mom, “I tell you what I want you to know.”</p>
<p>If I were the OP I’d want to know more, but until more details are forthcoming from her daughter, that may be a moot point. If I were in the OP’s shoes, I would encourage my D to get clarification from the dean about why he called her into his office, assuming the D is confused or troubled. If the provocation was something having to do with the ex-BF, the dean can simply say something along the lines of, “I’m not able to provide you any more details due to confidentiality concerns,” or whatever. If the provocation was something the ex-BF told him about the OP’s D, it would not only be helpful but appropriate for the young woman to know what she is accused of and to get perspective, if that’s necessary. Maybe some of her contact with the ex that she considered par for the course did seem like harassment to him (not that I know anything about THAT … I’ve always bowed out gracefully when someone’s broken up with me. NOT).</p>
<p>There was another thread discussing parental intervention - when would you do it. I think in this case I would step in to make sure D is not acting inappropriately, if she is, some coounseling maybe necessary. If the accusation continues, whether Op’s daughter is right or wrong, I would step in to work with the school to make sure it doesn’t get worse.</p>
<p>I would not contact the Dean and if the parent did contact the Dean I’m not sure the Dean would tell the parent anything.</p>
<p>It appears Joe´s parents did, and the Dean didn´t have any issue in discussing it with them.</p>
<p>oldfort,</p>
<p>I don’t think “Joe” is a real person. If I’m reading correctly, “Joe” is the hypothetical ex that vlines used in his/her description of a few possible scenarios. That said, count me among the parents who WOULD contact the dean’s office in this instance. I expect they’d tell me whatever they felt they were authorized to tell me (within the bounds of FERPA), maybe a little less depending on how bureaucratic they happened to be. I would still be inclined, first, to gently probe my daughter (“Honey, can you think of a reason why ‘Joe’ might go to the dean?”), while encouraging her to seek whatever clarification she needed. The OP’s D might have been so mortified and nonplussed by the initial encounter with the dean they she did not feel comfortable asking for details that she would have been well within her rights to seek. (Being a bit more assertive in the face of authority is one of the things my D needs my, ahem, guidance on.)</p>
<p>“I do know that Joe has been in danger of losing his scholarship before–one semester (last fall I think) D had said he was writing an extra paper for a class because he needed a certain grade to keep his scholarship.”</p>
<p>I think it is likely, as a few posters suggested, that “Joe” used your daughter as an excuse for his own issue, possibly losing his scholarship again.</p>
<p>I agree that Joe probably used the OP’s D as an excuse for poor performance. </p>
<p>If this stops the D from contacting the boy again, then consider it a favor.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yes and yes. Different Deans have different responsibilities but one of the jobs of Dean of Student Life (or equivalent) is to police student relations when they become problematic. They don’t intervene unless there is a reason to. However, what you don’t know is whether she caused the problem or whether it is his. As a parent, I would do everything I could, short of contacting the Dean (who will tell you nothing since your daugher is ‘not in trouble’), to make sure she was not the instigator. If that involves asking to see her emails to him, checking phone records etc., I would do that. Once I was comfortable she was not the cause of the problem, then I would let it go because it concerns others and no one will tell you what it is. And frankly, if it poses no danger to your daughter, it is not anyone elses business. </p>
<p>The meeting was not pointless. The point was to tell your daughter to cease contact with her ex and that was accomplished. I’m sure the Dean wrote up about his mtg with your daughter and it is in file somewhere and that will be sufficient documentation for any followup they need to do if there are further issues.</p>
<p>If you are concerned, she (not you) could ask the Dean for a copy of the above documentation, or to ask the Dean for a written summary of their meeting stating that she has done nothing wrong and is not in any trouble.</p>
<p>Joe needed someone to blame for his grades. If your daughter does not contact him anymore, she cannot be the problem. Perhaps old Joe is running out of excuses.</p>
<p>I agree with ihs76. One of the jobs of the dean is to help students solve their problems.</p>
<p>This was not a friendly conversation the dean had with your daughter. He was stern and he was very clear that she was to have no more contact with Joe. None. No email, no facebook, she can’t even say hi to him. That was the point of the meeting and that was the only point of the meeting. He wanted to make sure that there was no confusion about what she has to do.</p>
<p>The ball is in her court now. Can she cease to contact Joe?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I was being facetious.</p>
<p>I do know some Moms who believe that their child tells them absolutely everything. I don’t argue. But I do think, “but if she didn’t tell you something, you wouldn’t necessarily KNOW she didn’t tell you everything.” Oh well, not my concern, really.</p>
<p>In the OP case, I would not necessarily assume my child had not done anything wrong. Breakups can be bad, and sometimes even the well adjusted child can behave in a worrisome manner. I would certainly want to make sure she was emotionally okay before just assigning all the “bad” motives to the ex BF.</p>