At our work place, there is one coworker who, when you talk to him, he would not bother to look at you when you talk to him, even when you go to his cubical and you talk to him face to face.
Another example: At the end of the day, before you go home and say “good bye” when you happen to meet him on the hall way, he would often even not reply and just make a sound like “huh”
Is it microaggression or what? He is actually not a new immigrant and all his family and extended family members were in the US for 3 generations. He actually hinted that he is more “Americanized” than some of us here at work, just because his spouse is indeed an American for 3 generations. (But perpetually unemployed likely due to the lack of a college degree or sufficient training.)
It is hard to believe that this is the way that will be approved by “Dear Abby.”
When I grew up, I was always taught to look at the person who is talking to me (actually have the eye contact) and reply politely whenever asked (at least acknowledge that I have heard what he said.)
This person is not particularly superior in his position. He is neither a manager nor hardly even an engineer because he has never had an engineering or science degree. It is not that he is entitled to have special privileges because of his special (higher) position.
What is your take on this? Why does a person behave like this?
You say that he’s “not a new immigrant.” The fact that you mentioned that at all suggests that he may be from a minority ethnic group.
So most likely, he’s simply following the customs of the culture he grew up in. He may feel that he is Americanized in many ways, but perhaps this isn’t one of them.
Could be regional. NY/NJ eye contact with strangers is considered a bit aggressive. I still find it a bit of chore with many people.
I am not sure I expect a friendly goodbye from each of my colleagues every night, because I pass them in the hall. Maybe engage him if you are waiting for an elevator and just lower your expectations otherwise.
Other areas people engage in a lot more chit-chat, have you traveled around the country? California, south, lots of greetings and idle chit-chat from shop owners, midwest very friendly, etc.
Why does this guy have to conform to rules that his family may or may not subscribe to? Can’t you socialize with others who actually want to socialize? I find not every engineer is social and especially not if he detects disapproval rather than friendliness from you. Are you his supervisor or are you somehow in a special higher position?
You just don’t seem to like or respect this guy much so why do you want daily or more social interactions. Many work transactions just don’t require eye contact.
While I think it is preferable to look people in the eye when speaking, and to exchange a friendly or pseudo friendly greeting in the halls when passing at a common workplace, this is not a universal thing. I think there are many reasons for this, some banal, others pathologic, others poor social skills, actual rudeness etc. etc.
I tend to think that people who do as you describe are either too important (in their opinion) to bother with you, or suffer from some type of inferiority issue which prevents them from engaging in conversation, eye contact, etc. But this is just my opinion - no facts to go on.
Years ago in our house of worship (quite different from work) there were people that H or I complained saw us as “invisible” - no response to greeting etc. I found this disturbing in principle. We joked that they must not like the looks of us.
I am a native New Yorker, but I have lived other places. In pretty much everywhere but NYC, Iike to look people in the eye and smile - usually you get a smile back and that is all I am looking for. In NYC you may get a whole lot more than that and it could be undesirable, so I don’t usually try to make eye contact on the street, subway etc.
If it rubs you the wrong way, I would just do what you feel comfortable with, and let the other guy be a mystery.
Add introversion, shyness, bad skin, crossed eyes, personal issues that are preoccupying, dislike of the individual trying to make eye contact, discomfort with opposite sex (or I suppose same sex), differing social or cultural norms.
What is scary is that people are judgmental about something that could easily be personal style and want to associate major personality disorders with a trivial thing.
Again, leave the poor guy alone and hang with the more social people at the coffee machine. Send him email instead of invading his cubicle.
And please don’t go around the office badmouthing him for being antisocial … that is actually bullying behavior.
I assume his work is OK and that lack of eye contact in your cubicle meetings is not getting in the way of getting things done. If not, try to work better with him … be patient and again … I don’t really see the need for eye contact.
Well…It is not that I want daily interactions with him. It is about the need of the communications when we are often on the same project. Without the face-to-face communications, it could take several email exchanges (over several days as he is not particularly responsive in replying email either) when just a brief conversion will achieve the same.
I actually limit my “communication” to the the inefficient means of emailing recently when needed, after he kind of accused me of preventing him from being productive (I heard of this from our manager actually, not from him directly. I actually prefer that he talks directly to me if/when he has the need of “being alone” while at work.
Oh…BTW, he once told me and a few others face-to-face that a worker at the modern work place has to be ruthless to each other. When I raise the concern that it would make the work atmosphere unpleasant for everyone to bear so maybe at least the members within our own group should not be “ruthless” to each other, and save the ruthless attitude toward members outside of our immediate group. His reply: It is more important to be ruthless among members within our own group. This is because it is more important to show to the manager that you are “better” than other members in the same group (so that when there is a workforce reduction, others will be picked to be let go first. Aarrgg…so negative. I am about to retire not long from now so I really do not care how these 20/30 yo young generation do. Hopefully, my child’s future working environment will not be like this. (He is likely relatively “cheap” from company’s cost point of view; this is because of his lack of engineering degree.)
Frankly, I think this “poor guy” is a toxic presence in your office. It’s usually obvious when someone is merely socially awkward but your description of him strongly suggests that he is never going to be a positive member of the office community. I don’t get the defenses of his behavior. When one works in an office or any other group environment, he is not required to be friends with any of his co-workers outside work hours but he is (or should be) required to interact pleasantly…period. Whatever cultural norms are in the individual’s background are irrelevant once employment is secured in a US business. If the person cannot be a functional social member of the office community, they shouldn’t be employed there.
If I were the OP, I would document any difficult interactions with this person and most importantly, watch my back.
It is not really about the eye contact. It is the lack of motivation on his part to convey the information. It is as if by doing so, he would no longer hold some information that only he can have. Actually, when he needs information from others (especially members outside our group), his attitude will be totally different. Eye-contact, casual conversation to break the ice or to establish better “friendship”? No problem at all here. This attitude is only reserved for certain people. He is also not a shy person at all. It is just that his attitude will be very different depending on whom he needs to have the communication with (in email communication too.)
He may have undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder, not that a diagnosis would excuse his behavior, just that you describe many symptoms and it would explain some of it.
There are lots of reasons why people might not look you in the eye or have otherwise awkward responses.
I’m hard of hearing and lip read. Most people don’t know this so they just think I’m avoiding their eyes. When someone says good bye, I might not hear it or something will register and I’ll make a noise back to acknowledge if I’m not sure what was said.
When you go talk to him in his office, is it work related or social? Is it planned or impromptu? I hated when people stopped by my cubicle when I was working because I’m one of those who once I get off task, it’s hard to get back on. Maybe he doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing if it’s for non pressing issues.
When my manager told me that he complained I prevented him from being productive (so he needed to work at home part time, occasionally 2 days in a week), I actually replied that I am actually afraid of talking to him sometimes because I have no confidence what attitude he would have when I talk to him.
Actually, for this person, about two years ago, I actually helped him a lot when he took several evening classes (occasionally showed him the rope when he had a trouble in his assigned homework.) It is not that I have never been friendly to him. I probably have helped him in picking up two programming languages (at the basic level only) – he actually started out from not even knowing what a variable in any programming language is in the programming world. Even for some work-related stuff, for a particular instance, I had shared with him maybe at least 4 times (He was a poor reader so he prefers someone explained to him verbally, including writing on the white board) before he got it. It is not the case that I tried not to share with him what I happen to know so he was “upset”.
Maybe in my upbringing, if someone once was nice to me (like sharing what he knows), I would remember that and I will be friendly to him at least. It hurts when I found this is not the case.
Thanks. I feel much better by hearing that he could have an undiagnosed ASD. There is a chance that it’s not the fault on either side. It is just something he (and I) could not control so there is no need to think too deep about it.
When I was a graduate student on campus about 3 decades ago, I was actually surprised that a “stranger” on campus would say “hi” to me. That was in California, and it was 32 years ago. Now that I am in a large city (in California also) and I am not on campus. Strangers rarely greet each other anymore – even in the same company, unless you happen to belong to the same (small-ish) group within the same company.
I was actually not in California for more than 2.5 decades. It definitely became more multi-culture in these 25 years. Could this be the reason?
The person that I referred to is a not-so-new immigrant (e.g., been here for 8-9 years?) But he married with someone who has been in the US for at least 3 generations – once heard that they were originally from some southern European country where a large extended family is the norm, I think. (Oh…his spouse never said hi to any of us either, even when occasionally we happen to pass by each other on company’s parking lot, say, when picking up her husband. The English is definitely not a language barrier here. Maybe he picks up the way of interactions with others from this family and thinks this is the typical American way.)
It is true that in my own culture, we care too much about how others think of us. This could be a part of the “problems” as well due to a different expectation.
This reminds me of once incidence that happened 3 decades ago: My direct supervisor had had the same manager for almost 8 years. When my supervisor found a new job in another division (but really had not had transferred yet), he ignored his manager completely when he ran into that manager on the hall way. It was a complete shock to me. (Both of them were N-th generation Americans.) They really fit the definition of “being ruthless to each other” in this coworker’s definition. The fact is that it seems both of them were very comfortable about their new relationship: being strangers to each other even though they had been working closely with each other for the past 8 years. Or, the world (i.e., the work environment) I have been in is always like this? (This was 3 decades ago, in California.)
Do others have this issue with him? Because you did say, “…he complained I prevented him from being productive-”
Btw, in the last decade or two, I find NYC folks friendly, in the right contexts. In fact, it surprises me, since I remember a different general MO when I was younger.
LF,
Many felt that the New Yorker “persona” changed a lot after 9/11.
Not sure what all the side stories have to do with the issue with the coworker, but I confess to being cautious in my opinion, and am not at all willing to jump to any “diagnosis” (that tendency here is admittedly bothersome to me when people do that with limited information and probably no clinical training) as we are hearing about the coworker though the filter of someone who in past posts has talked about difficulty in social situations. There could be many many explanations for this individual’s behaviors, some of which have been postulated her. Please don’t judge him.
You don’t know that it is “undiagnosed”. Certainly if he has a diagnosis, he may have chosen not to share it with his employer or co-workers. Which is entirely within his right to keep medical information to himself.