My son is probably borderline ASD. I remember once having to tell him that when the principal says, “Hello” to you, you have to say “Hello” back. He’s 25 now, and employed (in the tech world). I worry that he still doesn’t exhibit as many of the social graces as others expect. He mostly knows what he’s supposed to do, but I don’t think he really gets why anyone cares. He doesn’t, so why should they?
Post #19 about him being “undiagnosed” is in response to posts 13 & 14.
Another example for the person’s somewhat strange behavior (not toward me at all).
We had a late “group” meeting today (BTW, the meeting is late because about a half of our team members , maybe more, are based in other countries – often even 3 countries!) This off-hour meeting is quite common due to globalization at many companies these days. As long as the meeting does not start at 9 or 10 pm (occasional it would be the case if the other location is India), I am totally fine with it. Going home at 7:00 pm or 8:00 pm is quite normal in our line of work – people then do not come in early the next day.)
We had about only a slightly more than half a dozen of members here (there are more members overseas because they are more cost-effective. But they listen most of time rather than express their opinions likely because of the language barrier – most of them are not very good at basic English conversation – but they are cost-effective and also generally work very hard.
So the main talkers were supposedly the members in the US because the manager prefers the members participate the discussions rather than he is talking mostly.
That particular member chose a seat that is at a great distance from most other members in a corner. He actually closed his eyes during the meeting most of the time, and did not utter a single word during the whole meeting until the end when the manager asked each member in turn to see whether anyone had an inputs on anything.
This person got on the nerves on at least few other members as well. For example, at one time several of us had a coffee break in our “kitchen” area (there are many seats there.) He passed by, heard of what we were talking about (not work related), and said to everybody how come you guys were talking about such a boring thing before turning around and leaving us. When he was in the coffee break area, several of us actually hesitated to join him because he might say to your face that he would rather be alone or just very soon stood up and left you alone. However, when he happened to have a mode to talk about what interests him (not work related), he could talk about it without stopping for a long time – the “productivity” issue is not a concern as long as it is the topic he is interested in but it is a concern only when it is not a topic he is interested in.
Recently, I have actually avoided contacts with him altogether unless I really have to. In general, I have had no problems with almost 95% of my coworkers in my 30+ years of working history in the US. Several of my past managers actually said that my weakness, if any, is being “too nice” to everybody, not “combative” (official word for this is “constructive confrontation”) enough when needed.
BTW, the “boring” topic that was referred to by this person was actually about the wedding. This is also because the member asking the questions will get married in a couple of months. I do not see anything wrong or boring about bringing up this topic during a coffee break, especially when one inexperienced person consulted with another member in the same group who has had experience.
Honestly, weddings are a topic that very few men have any interest in. We know you have a strong interest in it, but that is very unusual. Most men stay as far from the topic as possible.
Let it go. You have no control over anything but your own actions and productivity. If there is an issue with your own work because he doesn’t update you, take it up with the boss.
You can’t control him or change him. Clearly he is a satisfactory employee, as far as management is concerned, because he is still there. Adding more details doesn’t change that.
All of us have had to work with challenging folks. Far worse is the tyrant boss.
It is true that far worse is the tyrant boss. It is fortunate that I do not have such an issue.
Another coworker of mine once said another coworker had an Irish Goodbye after one of our party.
The author of this article seems to think it is fine to have an Irish Goodbye when the group of gathering is large enough, like 15 to 20 people. How do you think about this?
Another event that once happened in our group: A member from our overseas team came here to receive some training. So one engineer (really not in our group) was asked to train him. A few of us were welcomed to join the same training session so we joined this session also (as trainees.) But the main trainee was the visitor from overseas.
The training session took about 2 hours only. In the middle of the training (still half an hour left in this training session), another member in our group came to the training room. Without asking anyone in the meeting room whether it is OK to interrupt the meeting, he just asked the visitor to come with him because he needs some help. The visitor actually stood up and got ready to leave the meeting room with him (and strangely both the intruder to the meeting and this visitor did not think they need to ask “permissions” from the trainer or owe him an apology before leaving either), and if they did leave, the rest of us in the meeting room did not know what to do next. Should we wait there till the visitor (the main trainee) came back later? Should the training session be ended prematurely?
Since the intruding coworker and I are relatively close to each other and I know he would not mind if I stopped him, I actually stopped him and suggested him to wait half an hour to fetch him instead of pulling the trainee away from this unfinished training session. I think he realized right there what he had done would be improper and agreed that he would come fetch the visitor half an hour later. (I do not think that the manager, who was born here, would suggest this person to pull this visitor in the middle of this training meeting.)
The trainer is someone who was born and raised here also. If you were the trainer in this situation, would you think this person is rude? (This trainer is actually only associated with our group and is not really a member in our group. So he did us a favor to provide us this training.)
I think someone just does not have a sense about the social etiquette. (Don’t get me started telling the story about someone who keeps talking in another language when some member in the gathering does not understand that language. Yes, I saw this happening also in the past – totally rude in my book.)
The person who I mentioned earlier in my original post has nothing to do with this (training) event, i.e., he was not involved here.
This thread was supposedly about eye contact, and now its become a litany of examples of all the things you don’t like about this guy. Steer clear of him and don’t let hime become the focus of your work day.
Over the years I’ve taught any number of kids with high functioning Asperger’s Syndrome.
Not making eye contact is part of the behavior associated with it. It’s not a matter of “not bothering” to make eye contact, it’s part of their genetic makeup.
This guy is consistently acting oddly, not reading social cues, for whatever reason. It isn’t you. I would accept him for how he is and lower my expectations. Sounds like he can’t help it, this is just how he is.
From your description of the group meeting with the overseas people, it sounds as though the boss is aware of this person’s style.
And evidently the boss tolerates it.
That means you need to do the same.
This person’s behavior could be due to a mental difference (like Asperger’s syndrome) or a cultural difference or just an abrasive personality. But for whatever reason, your employer is keeping him on the job.
I’m in a small office (20-25 people) and frankly we don’t have time or energy to work around someone who cannot handle normative social contact, such as greeting people, being able to engage in a modicum of appropriate small talk, etc. no one has to be a social butterfly - I certainly am not - and we’ve got plenty of nerd types - but there is a difference between being socially awkward and socially non-responsive.
Not everyone who behaves in a manner that others find bizarre or weird is doing so intentionally or has some sort of need to make others around them uncomfortable. There is lots of excellent literature directed towards folks with Asperger’s that delineates what @PIzzagirl calls “normative social contact” that could also be helpful to those without a diagnosis who have some of the same struggles.
I am not sure I would suggest any of this to someone who has not asked for help, though. If the co-worker has had a diagnosis that he has kept private, he is probably aware of this literature already.
And, yes, I agree that “undiagnosed Asperger’s” in my earlier post was not called for. I would change this to “possible Asperger’s” or “borderline Asperger’s.” I just meant to indicate that this might not be intentional.
I wish people would just stop picking on/talking about people that seem odd or different. If they are not causing anyone any harm, they should be allowed to live their lives without being the subject of gossip. Not saying that’s what the OP is doing, but I constantly hear gossip about people who don’t belong in some way. Drives me crazy.
"Not everyone who behaves in a manner that others find bizarre or weird is doing so intentionally or has some sort of need to make others around them uncomfortable. "
No one said it was intentional or mean-spirited in nature. However, I’m saying that in the nature of my work / business, we aren’t interested in people who don’t have at least a basic set of social skills. If I take someone out to a client, I need to know that they have the ability to smile pleasantly, engage in a bit of small talk, and come across as generally “normal.” I just took a junior staffer to a client yesterday to expose her to client interaction. I had to trust (which of course I did) that she could greet people, not sit there stony-faced, and engage pleasantly with them if she were to bring them materials or answer questions that they had about the workshop I was running. She represented my company, and not being able to look people in the eye and pleasantly converse with them would be as unacceptable as, for example, showing up to the client dressed in sweatpants or shoveling in food and chewing with her mouth open or being rude to the client’s receptionist. If you don’t have those basic get-along-in-life skills, not interested. Sorry. I recognize it’s a hard haul for people who don’t have social skills, but as a small employer that’s not really my problem.
@Pizzagirl, I have a colleague who’s very competent at his job (which is mostly editorial in nature), but if you took him to meet a client, he would not be able to function in the way you describe.
That’s because he has a severe hearing loss, and even with his hearing aids, he has trouble following conversations when there are multiple people in the room. At group meetings and work-related social events, he can’t follow the conversation at all. His immediate colleagues tell him what he needs to know (one-on-one, in a quiet office) after the event is over.
How would you deal with an employee like this? And is it any different from the way you would deal with an employee who’s like the one the OP described?
Not being able to look someone in the eye isn’t a problem in all offices or all work. Social skills aren’t required in all jobs, beyond showing up and producing the right results. Lots of examples.
OP can’t change this person. That’s what he needs to let go of. No speculation on “why” will change that.
An employee with a hearing loss is a completely different situation; I don’t see a parallel.
It is easier to let go of all of this if you can recognize it as something that is not intentional.
OTOH, it can be surprisingly difficult to find or keep a job if social skills are too far outside of the norm. This is a hot topic in the autism community. Some feel that students who function well academically are being short-changed when they are not offered remediation in non-verbal communication skills.