<p>Your daughter has gotten privileges over the years that she probably has not earned, but you will have to take the car away, suck it up and drive her. Cut off any money you give her. You have to show her you mean business. She probably knows how she can manipulate you and other family members because of all the consistencies, she is counting on that. YOU cannot let her go away to college, this will be DISASTROUS. You will regret that decision.
You all need counselling. She may have underlying mental health issues and a substance problem.
I agree with Adad, you have to stay calm, stop name calling because it is counter productive and let your daughter know you love her, but you will not tolerate her behavior. If she cannot abide by your wishes, she has to be on her own. Good luck.</p>
<p>OP, I think you should read Reviving Ophelia. It focuses on “ideal” pre-teen girls who turn into parent-hating, self-destructive monsters. At the very least, you’ll realize that you aren’t alone in this kind of struggle.</p>
<p>I echo the sentiments of others that you must somehow get your D to therapy and get her tested for drug use. My nephew did the type of things your D is doing now, and when he went off to college, it got worse. His father ignored the signs of drug and alcohol, chalking up the misbehavior to just being a teen. To make a very long story short, my nephew has been expelled from college, arrested twice (the legal system has been generous, but that’s about to run out), and has vanished for weeks at a time. His parents are now kicking themselves that they didn’t force him into a drug rehab program and therapy (he has other issues as well) when he was still living at home because now they have zero influence. The only way they know he is alive is because he phones a sibling every week. You don’t want that.</p>
<p>I also think that your D has come to believe that sex and the ability to throw parties makes her more popular. Therapy could address any self-esteem issues that may be simmering beneath the surface of your academic superstar. Just because she is smart, it doesn’t mean that she can make smart decisions. Many health insurance companies will cover mental health issues, including drug dependency. Check out yours.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. Her behavior is not your fault. That said, how you deal with it is[/. So, while you cannot change who she is, you can change how you respond to her behavior. I agree with those who say you should take away privileges until she attends rehab/therapy and then give them back only when she has proven herself over weeks, even months. Good luck!</p>
<p>Gourmetmom- Don’t kid yourself. MANY kids with these issues are top students AND athletes AND active in their church groups AND have part time jobs. Amazing what drives them… It is NOT a matter of too much free time. Similar issue with high-functioning alcoholics. They are all over our colleges and professions.</p>
<p>Northstarmom raises a good point: involuntary commitment to a psychiatric facility.</p>
<p>Does your state allow for involuntary commitment for up to 72 hours for assessment? Find out, and, if so, be intimately aware of what behavior on her part would lead a court to approve an involuntary commitment. This would be a drastic step but it would be a way to get a full workup from psychiatric and substance abuse perspectives, absent her willingness to get that done willingly.</p>
<p>With the behavior you described, never let her out alone until you and preferably an appropriate mental health professional are certain she can be safe. And then, start small: let her out to someplace close and safe and expect her back in, say, 15 minutes. If she succeeds, build cautiously on that.</p>
<p>Never leave her unsupervised in your house or at anyone else’s house. Only rely on other adults that you know well and can trust with her life.</p>
<p>For now, make keeping her alive the only goal of your life.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that you are going through this. Please get help for her sake and for yours. You are not alone as there are many others going through things like this. I will keep you in my thoughts.</p>
<p>I don’t have any new advice other than what everyone else is saying: take away her car and get her into therapy.</p>
<p>But I do have a comment. Boy, it’s easy to parent someone else’s child. We look over at the other mother and father struggling with a difficult kid, and we see their choices not working out well, and we’re so sure that we wouldn’t have made their mistakes. We’re great parents, not like those other losers. We wouldn’t have let <em>our</em> kid do that. We wouldn’t have let the problem go on so long.</p>
<p>It’s not so easy when it’s your kid. Problems that look obvious in hindsight weren’t so obvious at the time. The child misbehaves or fails, and you try a response, and it seems to be working… and then it doesn’t. You look back, and oh, yeah, this episode, that fight, the other wierd behavior, it all fits together now. But it didn’t at the time, when everything else in real life, your job, your other kids, your sick mother, your runaway pet, were all happening too.</p>
<p>Gomom, my heart goes out to you. I know you’re suffering and trying to do the right thing for your beloved daughter. I know you’re angry. I hope you can find the help your daughter so desperately needs.</p>
<p>And for the rest of us, let’s cut other parents some slack. Sooner or later, that bad parent will be you.</p>
<p>^^^
Amen, CF. Well said.</p>
<p>^^Double amen. If there is such a thing.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang-Thank you. A terrific post.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s a fair comment and I personally do not feel it is necessary. There is not one parent on here, or else where, who hasn’t had problem with their kids at one point or another. We are experienced enough to know no matter how hard we try, our kids tend to have a mind of their own. I am the only one who is questioning if OP is a parent, but not if OP is a bad parent. In reading these posts, most parents are giving pretty good advice and are being fairly supportive. So, I don’t understand why such post.</p>
<p>
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<p>It sounds like it’s a song/parody from Saturday Night Live that happened last summer. It’s meant to be crude humor, rather than anything else…I don’t particularly see that as a problem.</p>
<p>If taking away her driving privileges seems to be too much, you might consider making her pay for her own insurance, since the accidents likely have raised the cost over the past couple years.</p>
<p>So sorry for what you are going thru. I agree with other posters re: going with strict limits etc. This is also sounding like mental illness to me. Extended family members of mine have dealt with both schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. Individuals will often “self-medicate” with alcholhol, drugs when they have these symptoms but don’t know what is going on. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI)has literally been life saving for my family members. They can at at minimun listen to your concerns and give u some guidance. If your D does end up with a diagnosis, their family to family support network is outstanding. See link and good luck/prayers to you and your famiy.</p>
<p>[NAMI:</a> National Alliance on Mental Illness | Find Support](<a href=“http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=Find_Support]NAMI:”>http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=Find_Support)</p>
<p>The OP clearly is asking for help. When it comes to our own kids we don’t really SEE and advice from other parents can be very helpful, objective and seen througth others eyes . So I dont feel it is wrong to offer advice, it is up to the OP to weed out what works and what doesn’t. Isn’t that what posting on CC is all about? We are not experts, but clearly many of us have had our share of problems with our kids. Some things work, other don’t. We ALL have been the BAD parent at one time or another. So i don’t see any malice or bad intent posted here.</p>
<p>I don’t think most people mean malice, and only they can look into their own hearts to see if they are being overly judgemental, and putting out excessive crticism wthout walking in that parent’s shoes. Also, if you post questions like this you are going to get a little bit of judgement on your parenting skills - it just goes with the territory.</p>
<p>It still just cracks me up that parents seem to think they know all their kid’s deep dark secrets. When I was in college I think many parents would have had a nervous breakdown if they knew the stuff their sons and daughters were doing. They were clueless. It was only a few months ago I was in a Starbucks and there was a group of young kids - obviously the creme of their school - wiith open calculus books all the while taking about going out Friday and taking “X”. It reminded me of that movie “Traffic.”</p>
<p>gomom55,
I really think the next thing coming will be police involvement. It sounds like she has been able to avoid this so far, and that is great. Try to get to a family counselor before there is court-ordered counseling or worse.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your kind replies. I printed your posts and H, S2, D and I sat down at the table and discussed everything. It was very emotional and very painful - mostly my pain. All of your comments have been helpful. Someone posted that I had been unfair to put S2 in the middle; - this became clear and I was glad I could see from his point of view.</p>
<p>We have agreed to counselling and the way we are going to do that is: fire the housekeeper. Very painful (she’s been with us a long time) but D and I will put out fliers to help her get another job. We will use that $$ for counselling.</p>
<p>I really want you all to know that I needed to hear your opinions. My H is an “avoider”, and I’ve had my share of denial and trying to slog through it. Straight up opinions have helped me to “see the writing on the wall”. I think I always saw it; but it was such a foreign language to me, I just couldn’t really interpret it. (and still can’t totally).</p>
<p>And by the way, I am the parent who pays attention. When D and her friends skipped prom and headed to the party, I’m the parent who sat them down, discussed how they betrayed my trust, etc. and then called their parents. I really have been doing my best. </p>
<p>D has an incredible # of APs and other strong extracurriculars. By all outward appearances she’s the most successful kid going.</p>
<p>I have not read the whole thread, but got stuck here:</p>
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<p>Yet she has/had a bf who does drugs and throws parties with alcohol? I think this family is going to have to find a way to get counseling for all. Aren’t there places in your community that charge on a sliding scale? How about the high school psychologist?</p>
<p>H and I discussed how we let her attend a sleepover only 4 nights after the “night of struggle”. We see that there were errors in our judgment, and we’re not sure how we reached that decision. It was just inconceivable to us that she would do anything so flagrantly bad. We simply had no idea that could happen. Again, when I found out, I called D on it (she’s been grounded for a month) and I called the other parents involved as well.</p>
<p>gomom55 - My heart goes out to you. I am sure you are physically and emotionally exhausted from carrying this burden on your shoulders and in your heart. At this point it is all about putting “yesterday” behind you and moving forward with a common family goal. It will be hard for your daughter to regain your trust, but by taking baby steps and accepting minor slip ups (by daughter and parents) I think you guys will make progress. Best of luck to your family!</p>
<p>Thank you, Kajon. I am determined to move forward and deal with “the kid on the couch”. Also, one last note, D had no problem agreeing to drug testing, and so we will do that as well. But you are right, I’m very tired.</p>