<p>Thank you, Kajon. I am determined to move forward and deal with “the kid on the couch”. Also, one last note, D had no problem agreeing to drug testing, and so we will do that as well. But you are right, I’m very tired.</p>
<p>You have taken the first steps toward your daughter’s recovery, imo.<br>
It may be difficult to find the right therapy. You may want to get referrals from a hospital or treatment center that works with young adults, and if you can find a doctor who does Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, I’d suggest going that route. It has been shown to be very successful with young adults with various behavior issues and illnesses. You can google this method to see if it looks like it would apply to your case, and there are also books on DBT to help families understand how to help in the most productive ways, which are not always intuitive.
In one way, you are lucky that this crisis happened now, under your roof, rather than next year when your daughter is in college and on her own, and where things may have gone much farther before she gets the help she so desperately needs. The very best of luck to all of you!</p>
<p>You have a full-time housekeeper?</p>
<p>Gourmetmom- why the tone? She didn’t say the housekeeper was full-time, and so what if she is? People are so quick to judge others without knowing anything really about their lives.
The poster is taking responsibility and moving forward. Did you read Cardinal Fang’s post? Perhaps you should.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang in #46 – point taken, but you have no way of knowing whether advice that parents are giving here doesn’t come hard-won.</p>
<p>Maybe some of us wish we had known to ask when our kids were “up to something”, maybe we are just saying – I wish someone had told us what we are telling gomom.</p>
<p>And maybe some of us were like gomom’s D. Maybe we had wished, when we were uber-smart and infallible teenagers, that we hadn’t been able to fool our parents so easily. Maybe we wouldn’t have derailed our lives at a young age and had to crawl forward, up and out, if our parents had cared enough to be the gestapo. </p>
<p>Ask anyone at a rehab facility – who are the toughest counselors? It is always the recovering addicts/alcoholics, because they can’t be fooled. They know never to believe or trust an addict (including sex addict, which seems likely in the unfortunate case of gomom’s D).</p>
<p>The fact that gomom says her D is an “academic superstar” makes this problem even trickier than otherwise, because that means that the D can always make a solid case for her school performance, she can fool all these adults with her dazzling achievements, and her accomplishments will fuel the fires of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (look it up) that most addicts have. Also it makes therapy extra-hard, because she can “outsmart” (at least SHE thinks so) any therapist with scintillating insights.</p>
<p>(Ask me how I know. Go ahead.)</p>
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<p>The wonderful thing about DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) is that it puts the responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the patient. It doesn’t allow for blaming parents, teachers, friends, or anyone for what the patient can themselves control.
At 18, it’s time for this daughter to take responsibility for her own decisions in life.
And what a relief it will be for her when she can, and does. She wants to, and hopefully she’ll find the therapy that will lead her there.</p>
<p>I was wondering if anyone else was going to pick up on the full time housekeeper issue. OP said they didn’t have money for counseling a year ago, but had a housekeeper? They are going to find the housekeeper a job by putting up fliers. I’ve had nanny and housekeeper, I got new jobs for them by calling up people I know, not by putting up fliers. If they felt obligated in finding the housekeeper a job, then the housekeeper must be working for them full time. It is hard to get a full picture by few posts on the internet, but we could only use our own common sense too.</p>
<p>Thanks for bringing up DBT, moonchild. I’ve just googled it and found it is based on techniques that I’ve found useful in my life, including cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness. </p>
<p>gomom55, I think you’re very brave. You and your family have my best wishes.</p>
<p>I knew the reference to our housekeeper would bring a firestorm. She works 12 hours a week (2) 6 hour days) at our house. It used to be more, but then the economy fell out. All of my friends are struggling economically and can not afford housekeepers, that’s why I settled on the flier idea. Our housekeeper’s family will be devastated by her loss of employment, and we will be losing a trusted confidante/friend. I’ve worked many days beside her, cleaning, etc. In my house we lost 65% of our income in the last two years. We have been going without heating in order to spare having to let this person go. (Also, her efforts in the house free us up to focus on more lucrative (hopefully) projects.</p>
<p>NSM/Adad,
CT or MRI can be done to r/o brain tumor (I’ve seen a similar case in a younger child) but, Adad, involuntary hospitalization can only be done if she is acutely dangerous to herself or others. Depending on the state she lives in, the rules as to who can initiate the involuntary hospitalization differ. OP- if your dau drinks (or uses drugs) and then gets behind the wheel, call the cops and have her picked up. that might be a way to get her admitted.</p>
<p>Moonchild, based on your recommendation, I’ve emailed a psychologist in my town specializing in DBT. Thanks for the suggestion. I personally liked our therapist of last year, but it is true that my D is super bright, and we were being talked in the mode of saying “yes” more often. I think this confused the situation a great deal.</p>
<p>AnnuduhMom, <em>The fact that gomom says her D is an “academic superstar” makes this problem even trickier than otherwise, because that means that the D can always make a solid case for her school performance, she can fool all these adults with her dazzling achievements, and her accomplishments will fuel the fires of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (look it up) that most addicts have. Also it makes therapy extra-hard, because she can “outsmart” (at least SHE thinks so) any therapist with scintillating insights.</em></p>
<p>I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. My D works 1/7 of what other high-caliber kids do for a better result. She’s physically beautiful and very very funny. Her strong will will be her downfall or her grace.</p>
<p>That was a confused thought re: “strong will”. She is incredibly strong-willed, which I see as a potential ally in her life. “Unfettered will” and “unguided will” is however the possible downfall.</p>
<p>Cardinalfang…Your post is a reminder that “There before the grace of God go I”. </p>
<p>To the OP…it was only a few short months ago that I was as devastated as you, and I really had no idea what had gone wrong. As it turned out my daughter had several issues which reared their ugly head once she was away at school. I am sending you a big hug because I know you need that right now and you will for the next few months. Does your medical plan cover therapy? The other thing I wanted to mention is that they also sell over the counter drug test kits (I tested my daughter). You will know immediately if there is a drug situation to report to the therapist. My daughter had tested negative at the time I had tested her and once again after that, but there is no degree of certainty that she is not abusing. You already know that she is drinking and that is just as serious as the drugs we knew about growing up. For some reason, as college parents we seem to think that drinking goes with the territory of growing up on a college campus. It does not make it excusable or less dangerous. In fact, for the depressed teen, alcohol is very dangerous and could prove to be a lethal combination.
For the posters that say, “if you want to fix something but then say you can’t afford it. Why ask for suggestions or help?” I remember thinking how can I afford a therapist, psychiatrist, evaluation from a learning consultant and on and on. I still don’t know how I am affording it. My daughter is not at her four year school so I am using the money that would have gone to her tuition to pay for the help she needs. OP, please realize that this is more serious than it appears because it will not get better once she goes away. I am sure you are all awaiting her college decision but do not consider that an option. Do not listen to friends regarding her going away. They do not know everything that you know. Only one of my closest friends knew what was going on and the others thought my daughter was a charming, well adjusted normal teenager. Friends may mean well by suggesting that she will be fine, and that the behavior is typical but until she is in therapy and seen by a psychiatrist you just don’t know what is really going on.</p>
<p>I would not allow my daughter to have the car or go out for the first three months she was home. We drove her wherever she needed to go. I don’t think I will ever be the same carefree parent (if carefree really exists) I was before the problems became evident. I have second guessed myself a million times over wondering where I went wrong. I could tell you that the advice I received by many of the parents was wonderful, and there were a couple that seemed to clue into the problem, that I could not see. Once again, I wish you and your daughter all the best.</p>
<p>Oh, gomom- I am married to an “avoider” too. It means that I am always the mean one, the sceptic. It means that he doesn’t back me up in family discussions, even when he tells me ahead of time that we are on the same page. </p>
<p>Yes, you must be exhausted. You are dealing with pain, disappointment, and fear. And sometimes, I bet, swimming upstream to do it.</p>
<p>Sounds like that last family discussion was a good pivot point. I hope you husband has bought in and understands that the discussion, itself, did not fix the problem. </p>
<p>Hang in there. Your tenacious love shows in your posts.</p>
<p>“Her strong will will be her downfall or her grace.”</p>
<p>Or both, gomom! But not at the same time.</p>
<p>mafool:
It means that he doesn’t back me up in family discussions, even when he tells me ahead of time that we are on the same page. </p>
<p>Here’s another wild supposition, gomom: This D is “Daddy’s Girl”. Right? Or if not, her risky sexual behavior is a way to get male attention, if she’s not getting it from her dad.</p>
<p>Here are some ways her “strong will” might be affected, and nobody would want to see these things happen to her:
Pregnancy
Arrest
Emergency hospital visit for overdose (inc. alcohol)</p>
<p>Well, I don’t know, sorry to keep posting on this. I guess I’m just a yenta. (I am always the ‘mean one’ too)</p>
<p>AnnuduhMom, Dad is definitely favored in this house and I am definitely the mean one. D came in and hugged me and showed genuine remorse. She told me however, that she is really a good kid “compared to the other kids at her school”. The Val is a genius addict, who was suspended at one point. So, on one level she is right. But your posts keep bringing the cold water to my face, and work against my strong desire to sweep everything under the rug, smile and start a new day.</p>
<p>I’m very sorry this is happening, gomom, and wish you and your family all the best in trying to get through this.</p>
<p>I hope you’re right about drugs not being a problem on top of everything else. But it’s truly amazing what kids are able to hide, even from their friends. When my son and a very close high school friend were both home from their respective colleges in December, she confessed to him that all through her senior year of high school, she not only smoked pot almost every day, but also was addicted (her word) to adderall. He’d had a good idea about the pot, but he’d had no idea whatsoever about the adderall (and was rather shocked by it) even though, as I said, she was his close friend. She hid it from everyone, and he’s the first person she’s ever told.</p>
<p>Fortunately, she was able to stop taking it, and is now getting straight A’s at a very good university, after being something of an academic underachiever in high school.</p>
<p>Coming late to this painful thread:</p>
<p>GoMom, something that didn’t provoke a comment leapt out at me. In counseling, I’d put out the decline in family income as an item for discussion. Children…even late teens…can act out as response to stress even if they aren’t responsible. That kind of income drop would produce incredible stress in most families, no matter the pre-existing income.</p>
<p>This has GOT to be the record for most posts in 7 hours!</p>