<p>We don’t know what we don’t know. We have what the OP has told us. She has asked for help, and has been quite humble in admitting that posters have helped her to see aspects she would not have otherwise recognized.</p>
<p>May I suggest that, if any of you do not think the OP is legit, you just skip the thread or make mention of your doubts and then move along?</p>
<p>I have nothing to lose by taking the OP at face value and trying to help. That is what this is about, no? I hope others would do the same for me.</p>
<p>No, NO NOOOOO! My friend’s sociopathic daughter was a brilliant girl who did extremely well at school. So when she lied through her teeth about her home situation, they believed her. </p>
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<p>My friend’s kid’s plan, hatched at the beginning of jr year, was to graduate early. Her parents urged her not to put so much pressure on herself: to take another semester, visit colleges and apply in a non-frenzied manner, and graduate after first semester senior year. They would then support her in doing something interesting for the remaining months, such as work or study abroad.</p>
<p>She convinced all of her friends that her <em>parents</em> were pressuring her to graduate early! When they were the only ones encouraging her to take a more relaxed path through school!! She also convinced them that she was “abused.” (She later admitted that she was lying, but by then she had gotten what she wanted.)</p>
<p>Kids will almost always believe the BS put forth by a smart manipulator who claims that their parent is whacko. Especially in a situation that appeals to their Romeo+Juliet mythology.</p>
<p>We have some very well meaning posters here, and we all like to rise up to the occasion when we see a child hurting. As much as I value input from people on CC, I would really want to digest everything people are saying here and have a very clear view about how to approach this problem before I would share this with my child, who is being talked about on this forum. I know my daughter would have been very upset if I wrote what OP wrote about her daughter, even if it’s all true. Last thing I would want to do is to print out everything on this thread to show it to the daughter, even if it’s to start a dialogue.</p>
<p>I am not suggesting that the OP is not legit. I’m wondering about her daughter’s perspective. Several of the mother’s comments seem contradictory - which makes me wonder if she has a clear view of what is really going on with her daughter. I think this is a valid perspective that should be considered.</p>
<p>I found the original post to be believable and compelling. My heart goes out to the OP, and I find nothing “off” about her posts on this thread.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom, my reference to you had to do with the “housekeeper” issue. If it seemed that I was directing additional points to you, you have my apology.</p>
<p>My daughter thought I was a whack job when she was in the depths of her depression and eating disorder. I was a whack job because there were so many cues that people outside our home would not have seen or believed. Girls who act out sexually often have a problem of some kind. Molestation/rape or even just brutal heartbreak are often part of the problem…substance abuse/eating disorders often manifest in conjunction. These are very hard years. Moms need to trust their own instints and not listen to people who say they are overreacting whack jobs. My daughter will tell you today that her bulldog parents saved her life.</p>
<p>gomom, I don’t have any advice to add to the very thoughtful posts that have already filled 7 pages (!), but I did want to offer my sympathy and encouragement. It seems that your daughter has agreed to testing and therapy. I would move forward with this immediately. </p>
<p>On the housekeeper issue, this is a family in which both parents work and there were at one time at least 4 children at home. I don’t think that a part-time housekeeper is an extravagance.</p>
<p>I’m suggesting that the OP may have a distorted view of her daughter’s behavior, not that her daughter ever suggested that her mother is a “whack job.” I conveyed another similar experience with my daughter’s friend and her mother. In that case, my daughter and I both think that her friend’s mother has a distorted view and the daughter’s behavior is normal. </p>
<p>I noticed a striking parallel between the two situations and because I know both sides in my story, I thought some would find my viewpoint of interest.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom…and I just want to suggest that what you see from the outside, even if you are “close” can be really distorted. And I mean that kindly.</p>
<p>Of course, no one can ever really know what goes on in a family. We can take what the OP tells us at face value, then add in our own experiences, perceptions, values, etc. and come up with our own conclusions. </p>
<p>I am going to start and end with this: LOVE that kid every minute of every day, no matter how she acts towards you. Patience and love. And consequences.</p>
<p>I don’t have time to read through this whole thread right now, but I will tell you to listen to other parents who are telling you to stop enabling her. Here is what NSM said:</p>
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<p>I am reposting it. Listen. ^^^^^^^</p>
<p>This could get A LOT worse. You may be in a small town and wish to protect your identity - I get that. On the other hand, I have met too may people who were in your shoes, but are now standing at podiums publicly sharing the story of their loss. God forbid that would happen to you.</p>
<p>Trust me that hardly any families in your town lack problems if they have kids. Eating disorders, drugs, rape, alcoholism, mental illness, cutting, etc. What you see of people is their best side. Few share their worst in public (especially in a small town). Additionally, if your daughter is engaging in edgy behavior, most people with kids near her age already know. Word travels fast. Kids love to tell their parents what other kids are doing (it is a great trick to distract from their own bad choices). Few of those people are actually judging you. Most of them are trying to figure out what to do with their own issues.</p>
<p>You cannot control an 18 year old, but you can set very strict boundaries to protect yourself. Setting those boundaries is your greatest hope for her as well. </p>
<p>You need to raise her bottom. Make a contract with specific rules and logical, reasonable, natural consequences for breaking them. These consequences are what she needs. Better that she hit bottom now, before this gets worse. For example, better to lose her car on your watch, rather than to a second DUI when she is 25. </p>
<p>Consequences can be retroactive, so you can stop letting her use your car now. A person who cannot be trusted should not get access to a 3500-pound vehicle, particularly if it is in someone else’s name.</p>
<p>Rethink everything. Get really comfortable with calmly carrying out consequences.</p>
<p>Go to counseling, but know that many a counselor ends up as a patsy for a manipulative teen. This is especially true when the teen is highly intelligent.</p>
<p>I will end with this again: you can never tell her enough how much you love her. Growing up is hard, and people who are misbehaving are rarely without pain. Don’t let it distract you from consequences, but while you are setting things straight you can make her feel love with every word and action. No matter what she does in return. Love her. Tell that girl how much you love her, and how much you empathize with her, as you take those keys away. And don’t give them back. She has earned the right to find a way to get her own car, and pay for her own insurance.</p>
<h1>112: At the risk of speaking for others, I think what we are trying to do is help the OP. As long as our posts promote that end, great. If they do not, then we can respond, treat the the detour-no matter how interesting- as a detour, then get back to the business of providing help.</h1>
<p>To respond to some of your questions: my D is not very thin, but her weight has changed a couple of times. After the BF dumped her (she grieved a great deal at the time) she lost weight. Then, a month later she told me, when I asked, that she “got over him” in two weeks. It seems she closed a door in her mind. I have a friend who thinks this guy was extremely abusive to her. He was quite popular, witty and brought her into a crowd, whereas before she had been an outsider. (smart, outside girl) She wanted a closer relationship; he did not.</p>
<p>D is very private. She “regulates” her emotions. Once, as a child I had the unhappy task of telling her that we’d have to put her dog down. She was stone cold and impassive upon receipt of the news. I was bawling, but she grieved greatly in increments for months (and we still all miss that dog).</p>
<p>Thank you all for your comments. There have been other “bad events” with D but I just can’t go into them on this forum. I am sure that I am not blameless in our maladjustment. Tomorrow I will make calls to get help. My “call” to you all has been warmly answered. I appreciate your thoughts/advice, guidance and compassion.</p>
<p>Spideygirl, thanks for your message: I’m going in now and I’m going to hug her and tell her how much I love her. Same with son, who is a bit down.</p>
<p>And how does your D know that? Apparently because of what the other girl has told her, all or most of which she apparently believes.</p>
<p>Look, your D might be correct, and that particular mother might indeed be a whack job. But what I’m telling you is that there are plenty of kids who would have sworn up and down that my friend was an abusive parent, too.</p>
<p>When my daughter first made that comment, I didn’t think too much of it. However, I have gotten to know the mother a little better mostly because of school functions, and it is quite clear that my daughter was right. I witnessed an inappropriate (loud) interaction between she and her husband concerning the daughter in the middle of the school cafeteria. My impression is that the father is somewhat emotionally detached from the daughter, which puts the mother in the position of choosing between the two. I wonder if she typically sides with her husband. She seems fairly passive and he is more forceful, but then she panics when she neglects the daughter for too long. They leave the girl alone often - weekends and longer for trips. The argument that I witnessed was about leaving the girl alone for the weekend while they went away. The father wanted to leave her home alone and the mother wanted to take her along. I think the mother is put into the position of making choices regarding the daughter that she is not comfortable with in order to appease her husband. As a result, she seems to make decisions about her daughter that are inconsistent, alternating between very harsh and very lenient. Although it is very clear that the mother loves her daughter, I’m surprised that the girl is doing so well.</p>
<p>^^ And that makes the mother a “whack job”? Because she is caught between her husband and the daughter and isn’t a "perfect parent’?
My son thought I was nuts and a horrible parent- he probably still does. He will probably see it a little differently in years to come.<br>
One thing I know with absolute certainty. You can NOT know or understand the dynamics of someone else’s family- not even from watching them in the school cafeteria for a few minutes.</p>