<p>“You can NOT know or understand the dynamics of someone else’s family- not even from watching them in the school cafeteria for a few minutes.”</p>
<p>No, you can’t know everything, but you can certainly spot a problem.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom…I think that you get the picture. A family is a dynamic. The dad may have issues. The mom may indeed be very uncomfortably in the middle. We had some of those issues…my husband has some “issues” that put me in the middle. Health issues, an insane medical career - think twice before you are happy if your kids go to med school 
Sometimes becoming a whack job is inevitable :)</p>
<p>Kids are a product of genetics, circumstances and environment. We all have to learn to cope with what we have. Counseling can help.</p>
<p>My “whack job” family functioned pretty well until we introduced a rape and an eating disorder, then wow. Stay together “gomom”. Love your kids. Treasure your spouse. Look into those weight fluctuations. I know my radar is very high, but consider an eating disorder. They’re everywhere.</p>
<p>“She has a vulgar video on her Facebook about a boy “whizzing in his pants” every time he sees an attractive girl.”</p>
<p>just about every person in my school has seen the jizzed in my pants video. something about this statement leads me to believe that you are exaggerating what she has done…</p>
<p>gomom, please consider testing your child for every possible sexually transmitted disease, including HIV and hepatitis. Since your daughter had been engaged in sexual activities (and since you are not dismissing the possiblity that she’s used drugs), there is a very real chance that she might have contracted a nasty STD. Please, please get her tested and help her get treatment if something comes back positive. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>It is really common for teenagers to describe their mothers, in particular, as “crazy”, when the reality is usually more that the mother has firm standards of behavior. I know my kids did. </p>
<p>This situation could be typical teenage rebellion and the mother could be overreacting, but the overreaction is still important for the D to experience. The OP’s overreaction reflects her values and her disappointment and the D needs to know this.</p>
<p>I’ve noticed that one of the hardest, if not the most difficult, things for parents to do is to be willing to “make” their children unhappy and to put up with that unhappiness. There is no getting through raising kids without this. Trying to avoid the unpleasantness of their anger and discontent at being told “No” is a big mistake.</p>
<p>mousegray, yes:</p>
<p>Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind by Michael J. Bradley</p>
<p>But 18 is a bit too late for simple “teen rebellion”, I have a sixth sense that OP’s D’s behavioral problems have deeper roots.</p>
<p>It might have been going on for a while but is coming to a head now. Deeper roots, as you say, BB.</p>
<p>It is never too late, however, to take a firm, loving stand. Our S had some similar problems at that age. It always amazed me that whenever we had the courage of our convictions—meaning we followed through with punishment, he actually seemed relieved. And he was not a docile son.</p>
<p>This is the book that helped us with that conviction:
Teen-Proofing Fostering Responsible Decision Making in Your Teenager by John Rosemond</p>
<p>It seemed kind of extreme to us at the time but it was really what we needed, both H and me, and S. It was a real wake-up call for us.</p>
<p>Wow, I have nothing to add but wish you & your family the best in working through all of this. Please be sure to be love YOURSELF too. These things happen, no matter what perfect parents we all try to be. It’s important to keep moving ahead the best we can, incorporating a lot of the great suggestions in this thread. </p>
<p>Sounds like your son who lives at home could be an important partner in the counseling as well, for family counseling.</p>
<p>Whoah there, Gourmetmom in #119, </p>
<p>Seems some folks have all the time in the world to observe other parents and make judgments about what happens in families, this leaned pretty far in the direction of criticism to the point of malicious gossip. Did you stand there and watch the entire argument?</p>
<p>Last line:
“Although it is very clear that the mother loves her daughter, I’m surprised that the girl is doing so well.”
Not nice.</p>
<p>AnudduhMom -</p>
<p>Actually no, I didn’t “stand there” and watch the argument. The couple approached me. I was running a table at a fundraiser and I couldn’t walk away. They sought me out to engage me in their discussion - they wanted to know if I thought it was okay if they left their daughter alone for the weekend. They were inappropriate and I actually walked to the other end of the table to get away from them. Believe me, I have zero interest in gossiping about anyone.</p>
<p>This makes me wonder? How low is the bar? At what point can we say that parents are behaving badly and they may have a role in their kids’ problems?</p>
<p>“Jizz in My Pants” is seminal late night humor, perhaps a culture clash between parent and child, but not stuff for involuntary commitments. Tough love time on cars and money. Perhaps an alarm system to keep out her late night visitors?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>When parents come here and reveal an agonizing problem, I think posters do well to offer support and constructive suggestions rather than comments about “behaving badly” or attempts to draw analogies with other parents thought to be “behaving badly”.</p>
<p>I admire the OP’s willingness to risk hearing uncharitable, self-righteous criticism in order to get help for her D from other parents.</p>
<p>ADad - </p>
<p>Don’t assume that all criticism is self-righteous. Nothing on this thread even hints at it. While some of the criticism is harsh, the best advice is usually the advice that is the most painful to acknowledge.</p>
<p>BunsenBurner - good point about the STD.</p>
<p>Additionally, I hope she is on birth control. If not she should be. Call your own gyn or look for one who specializes in adolescence. They are out there. A caring, non-judgemental gyn will provide her with good counsel concerning her body and her health.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I guess we will have to agree to disagree.</p>
<p>I’ll confess to reading just the first 4 pages of this thread and then skimming through the other pages, sometimes stopping to read every word. So perhaps this has been said before …</p>
<p>I am really struck by your level of denial, gomom. That is the one big, glaring impression I get from all that I’ve read and skimmed. </p>
<p>I read CardinalFang’s #46 post and couldn’t agree more. That was so well said. One of my children is a very high-functioning autistic young adult. He and I have both been judged and misunderstood throughout his years, particularly before his diagnosis, when he was young. I was doing my very best and trying all the “conventional” parenting wisdom I could get my hands on, though NONE of it worked, to my great frustration and disappointment. I felt like a loser parent. Once I got the diagnosis, which fit like a glove, I could start parenting him in ways that were more appropriate to his autism. His behavior improved quickly and dramatically. But still, even to this day, he is misunderstood over pretty “standard” autistic behaviors, and occasionally I am as well. By outside appearances, people have no idea what my family has been dealing with because of this one pervasive, invisible disorder in one of our precious family members. So, for that reason, Cardinal Fang’s post hit home.</p>
<p>I don’t want to judge you harshly, gomom. My sympathies go out to you. Your family is in a really bad place right now. I agree with other posters that there are lots of actions you can take immediately so that you can at least stop enabling her to continue her bad behavior on your watch. No car. No money. Etc. Counseling’s a great idea.</p>
<p>But as I said, I am most struck by your denial. As I read your posts I hear things like this (paraphrased – not attempting to quote – just the ‘message’ I’m hearing as I read): But, she’s a stellar student. Otherwise, she’s a good daughter. I’m a strict parent (even though it really doesn’t sound that way – closely overseeing, perhaps, but not strict). Because the val at her school is a genius addict, my D really is a good kid, as she claims – in comparison, anyway. “We were a seemingly perfect family.” You’re the parent who pays attention. Your husband is the avoider. You just want to put a smile on your face and go on with another day.</p>
<p>I hear a person who has trouble facing the ugly truth, and maybe a person who believes there’s such a thing as perfection. Maybe you strive for that unachievable perfection – in yourself and in your kids. That can be troublesome for you personally, and for your family. Your unreachable ideals can inadvertently put lot of pressure on the kids. I don’t know if this is you or not. But, fwiw, that’s how I “hear” your posts. Maybe I’m hearing it this way only because of my own life experiences. Maybe my “hearing” has nothing at all to do with your life or your modus operandi.</p>
<p>If denial IS your specialty, then that could be a very good place for you to start gaining some sense of control – which is, ultimately, I’m thinking, what you want to have – a sense of control over your own life, over your own emotions, over your daughter’s safety and well-being. Every time you want to start to tell yourself that “really” this problem is okay … or “really” she’s behaving herself now, and she is, after all, a star student … or “really” I’m the strict parent who’s doing things as right as a I can, whereas my husband is avoiding the issue … STOP. And tell yourself what you really need to hear, the truth. So that you can face it and get things going in the direction that your smart self knows it needs to go. That will probably give you a healthy sense of control, in baby steps – the kind of healthy control you’re probably longing for right now.</p>
<p>I have some personal experience with this, so I know firsthand that it works. But, of course, my impression may be all wrong, and this may not be one of your issues at all. If that’s the case, please forgive my intrusion and improper judgment. I’m only trying to help.</p>
<p>In any case, I wish you the best! Raising kids is very, very hard work and I feel for all parents as they struggle to do what’s right when all they’ve done before seems to be unraveling in front of them! </p>
<p>Hang in there, gomom!</p>
<p>echo…hang in there gomom. There’s work ahead of you, but there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing is more rewarding that helping a child who has lost their way.</p>
<p>I’m saddened by the nasty responses to the OP. There but for the grace of God and all.</p>
<p>This sounds like a friend of mine, who has a daughter with histrionic personality disorder. They are in intensive family counseling and the D is now attending an alternative school. Good luck.</p>
<p>I’ll tell you what I was reacting to: I can’t imagine what set of circumstances would lead me to describe my own daughter as “tawdry”. It sure isn’t the circumstances in the OP. For me, “tawdry” is kind of a backfiring word – it says a lot more about the person who uses it that about the person supposedly described. And what it says about the person who uses it isn’t good. Sorry.</p>
<p>So, yes, my instinct is to feel critical toward the OP, but a very different sort of critical than most of the rest of you seem to feel. “Tawdry” basically told me to discount everything she said.</p>