"Teaching" your kids to drink responsibly

Parent Cafe
1

<p>The thread on the Parent Forum about colleges’ “alcohol policies” had a lot of discussion about the general topic of alcohol consumption by college students, which I know isn’t what the OP really was posting about. But it got me wondering, what are your thoughts on parents “teaching” their kids to drink responsibly before they go off to college.</p>

<p>My husband and I both felt very strongly that our kids would pretty definitely be consuming alcohol when they were living away from home at college. It was just a matter of how much and in what manner. We really did do our best to be sure they were prepared to handle the situation when they faced it.</p>

<p>The first rule we had was simple: NO SLEEPING OUT OF THE HOUSE</p>

<p>Basically, if they were going to drink, they were not going to do it without our knowing about it. With our son, I consider ourselves lucky that one night (in his sophomore year), he went out, and then made the brilliant decision to text us to ask if he could stay over a friend’s house. Of course, the answer was “no”, and when my husband picked him up, not only was he super, sloppy drunk, but the mother was at the front door looking quite sheepish. (Yea – I was really ticked at her, but I figure she’s got bigger problems than my anger if she’s allowing this to go on at her house.)</p>

<p>We got him home, and he slept it off (with us checking on him all night to be sure he was ok) The next day the kid was mortified. We had a very serious heart-to-heart, and he was extremely and genuinely remorseful. He spent most of the day on the couch, feeling lousy, hung-over, and actually getting physically sick. He felt badly that he had disappointed us and I think he realized how frightened we were by the fact that it really was a dangerous situation. His father was the one checking on him all night to be sure he didn’t vomit or in some other way harm himself. It was a painful lesson for him, but we didn’t think that this one incident would make him swear off alcohol for life. We still felt he needed to learn how to drink responsibly before college.</p>

<p>Fast forward to his senior year in h.s. We decided that it would be best if he did any drinking at all, it would be in a controlled situation (controlled by us.) Basically what that meant was allowing him to have a couple of beers at family functions where there might normally be alcohol served (family get-togethers, parties, vacations, things like that.) And it didn’t mean letting him get sloppy drunk – which he really didn’t have a desire to do. Basically, he was drinking in places and at times where we were there to be sure he was safe. No driving involved (EVER), no dangerous situations. This wasn’t happening every weekend or anything. Just once in a while when a situation presented itself. If he went to a h.s. party (and he didn’t do that very often), he would limit himself to maybe one beer (because he knew that we’d be wide awake and ready for lots of conversation when he got home.) And again, never ANY driving involved – we’d always pick him up if necessary.</p>

<p>So now he’s off at college and he tells me there is lots of alcohol available. He’s very capable and very content to go to a party and have a few beers. There’s nothing forbidden about it to him, so it’s not that enticing. He knows how to pace himself. He also remembers (painfully) how horrible it is to over-indulge.</p>

<p>Of course I’m not crazy enough to think that I have some type of guarantee that my son is NEVER going to get stupid drunk at college. But I do feel that the way we’ve handled it was the best way for our son. Obviously, every kid and every circumstance is different. </p>

<p>Anyone else out there agree that it’s a good idea to teach your kids to drink responsibly before college, or am I alone on this?</p>

2

<p>No, I do not feel the need to teach my son to drink. I also do not feel the need to let him break the law. Nor do I think it would stave off binge drinking once they did get to college.</p>

<p>Considering our families history with alcohol, I hope he chooses not to drink alcohol. For him, I do not believe that the danger is limited to binge drinking. Although we have talked to him about how especially stupid binge drinking is. </p>

<p>He has come home drunk once (a sober friend drove him home.) He was terribly hungover the next day. We woke him up early and had him do yard work with a break for lunch. In our family, you don’t get to spend the day on the couch when you make a bad decision. We also talked it over.</p>

3

<p>“No, I do not feel the need to teach my son to drink. I also do not feel the need to let him break the law. Nor do I think it would stave off binge drinking once they did get to college.”</p>

<p>I agree with the above. For young people who think it’s fun to drink until puking drunkenness, having been taught to drink by their parents won’t prevent their engaging in such so-called fun.</p>

4

<p>"Researchers at the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) have found that drinking alcohol before 15 years of age is risky and increases a child’s risk of becoming a heavy drinker later on.
Many children have their first taste of alcohol at home, given by parents in the hope of encouraging responsible drinking later on and research shows that by the age of 7 most children will have tasted alcohol.</p>

<p>However experts believe a teenager’s fast-developing brain becomes programmed to link alcohol with pleasure and say the likelihood of developing alcohol-use disorders in adulthood is about 50% higher for people who start drinking before the age of 15 than for those who abstain until they are 18 or older…"
[Drinking</a> alcohol before age 15 a risky habit](<a href=“Drinking alcohol before age 15 a risky habit”>Drinking alcohol before age 15 a risky habit)</p>

<p>"The 14th annual back-to-school survey conducted by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University…</p>

<p>found that teen drinking behavior is strongly associated with how teens believe their fathers feel about their drinking. Compared to teens who believe their father is against their drinking, teens who believe their father is okay with their drinking are two and a half times likelier to get drunk in a typical month…</p>

<p>'“Some Moms’ and Dads’ behavior and attitudes make them parent enablers—parents who send their 12- to 17-year olds a message that it’s okay to smoke, drink, get drunk and use illegal drugs like marijuana,” said Joseph A. Califano, Jr., CASA’s chairman and founder and former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare. “Teens’ behavior is strongly associated with their parents’ behavior and expectations, so parents who expect their children to drink and use drugs will have children who drink and use drugs.”"
[Study</a> Finds Teens Drug and Alcohol Use Influenced by Parents Behavior | CADCA](<a href=“http://www.cadca.org/resources/detail/study-finds-teens-drug-and-alcohol-use-influenced-parents-behavior]Study”>http://www.cadca.org/resources/detail/study-finds-teens-drug-and-alcohol-use-influenced-parents-behavior)</p>

5

<p>I knew lots of people would STRONGLY disagree with my post, but that’s OK. However, a few points:</p>

<h1>1 - in my state it is NOT illegal for parents to provide alcohol to the underage children in their home, so I wasn’t really helping him break the law</h1>

<h1>2 - there are lots of people who would “hope” their kids choose not to drink, but that really doesn’t seem to work out for many, many college kids</h1>

<h1>3 - the kid wasn’t exactly relaxing on the couch. He was physically sick and pretty much physically incapable of doing anything else.</h1>

<h1>4 - thank goodness he was 16 when the drinking event happened</h1>

<p>All I know is that there are tons of kids binge drinking in college, so whatever their parents did during h.s. doesn’t seem to have worked. As I said, I don’t know how his entire 4 years will go. I do know that he’s off to a much better start than lots of others. Speaking just for our family, I think our method was the way to go.</p>

6

<p>My husband is in law enforcement, so I certainly don’t want people thinking we were breaking the law - do you know what they do to cops in jail!!!</p>

<p>From the “Alcohol Policy Information System” website:</p>

<p>Furnishing Alcohol to Minors</p>

<p>This policy topic is included in the APIS Highlight on Underage Drinking section. The Highlight’s overview of underage drinking policy in the United States provides additional context that may be helpful in understanding this policy topic. State-by-State summaries of the APIS underage drinking policy topics are available in the State Profiles of Underage Drinking Laws section. Maps and charts for all of these policy topics are collected on a single page to provide a more comprehensive graphical overview of underage policies.</p>

<p>(Period covered: 1/1/1998 through 1/1/2009) </p>

<p>Policy Description
This section of APIS addresses criminal laws that prohibit furnishing minors with alcohol. All States prohibit furnishing alcoholic beverages to minors, although most States allow various types of exceptions. In some situations covered by the exceptions, someone who furnishes alcohol may still be subject to the laws addressed in Prohibitions Against Hosting Underage Drinking Parties — see below.</p>

<p>Some States provide an exception when alcoholic beverages are furnished to a minor by a parent/guardian or spouse. Some States specify that the spouse must be of legal age, while others do not. APIS considers a State to have a spousal exception even if the age of the spouse is not specified.
In some of these States, the exception for family members applies only if the furnishing occurs in a specified location, e.g., all private locations, private residences only, or in the home of a parent or guardian only. No State has an exception for furnishing on private property by anyone other than a family member.</p>

7

<p>Our D went to the Bahamas with her aunt, uncle and cousin (all of whom are old enough to be her parents) for her graduation gift. We all had a conversation about alcohol consumption while at the resort. The drinking age is 18 in the Bahamas and she would be supervised at all times while on vacation by an adult. Her Father and I are absolutely confident in her ability to make safe choices. We have never allowed her to drink at home for a variety of reasons but primarily the illegality of under age drinking. We have been talking to both our Ds about the dangers of alcohol and all sorts of other safety issues since they were little- as I am sure every other parent has done. All I can say is that she partied like a rock star one night at the resort. She and her cousin were the life of the party. Needless to say they both had well-earned hangovers the next morning. Fast forward to the first weekend at campus after all students had arrived. We spoke to her on that Sunday. She told us all about the two frat parties she and her friends had been to Friday night. Apparently they only served ‘lame beer’ and she was the designated sober “walker” in the group. She was to be sure everyone in her group made it back to the dorm safely and no one was dangerously drunk. I guess that is part of their party plan.</p>

<p>I think we all have done our best to arm our children with the best information possible on issues such as this and we have to trust them. I am trying to keep our communication open so she continues to feel comfortable talking about all sorts of issues. I will continue to hope she makes smart choices and still has some fun too.</p>

8

<p>I did not “teach my D to drink”, and she does not binge drink at college (in fact, she has only been to a few parties with alcohol, said she had one drink and left). She is in her sophomore year, and her social life clearly does not involve any regular drinking. We have a very close relationship and good communication; I know she tried alcohol a couple of times during trips to Europe in high school because she told me she did, but not here in the states. I do not serve her alcohol in my house, nor will I do so until she is 21.</p>

<p>Also, in our state, a kid loses their athletic privileges for the year if they take even one drink and get caught at any time during the year (even off season). I’d sure hate to be the parent who cost my kid their season in the name of “teaching them to drink”.</p>

<p>In my opinion, a close relationship with open communication is a safer deterrent than providing alcohol to a minor.</p>

9

<p>First of all, I think I should have chosen a better title for my post. When everyone repeats it back in their posts it sounds so…evil. “Teaching” my child to drink. Poor choice of words.</p>

<p>“In my opinion, a close relationship with open communication is a safer deterrent than providing alcohol to a minor.” I don’t think the two things have to be mutually exclusive. We definitely have a close relationship with open communication.</p>

<p>And I do want to say again: we did NOT break any laws. Maybe alot of people think it’s morally wrong, but it’s not illegal.</p>

<p>And the law for h.s athletes in your state sounds great. Are you in anyway implying that because of this law your state’s h.s. athletes don’t drink? We have all sorts of similar rules (although not state-wide) at our schools. but believe me, athletes do just as much drinking as the next kid in h.s. (And if I didn’t mention it before - my son did much LESS drinking than almost all of the h.s. kids we know. Of course, their parents either don’t know that or would never admit that their kids were drinking at all.)</p>

10

<p>Good timing. Got a call today from a family member whose friend was hoping to gain custody of her foster child but now won’t because she let her 15yo dd and the foster child try a drink because they were curious.</p>

11

<p>Ok - that situation is absolutely not the same.</p>

<h1>1 - Key word: FOSTER. That was just downright dumb of her to let a foster child drink alcohol. Obviously a person with pretty poor judgment.</h1>

<h1>2 - My son was 18 years old when he was a senior and when I let him drink responsibly at home. Big difference between 15 and 18. (Have I mentioned my opinion of the ridiculousness of a 21 year old drinking age?)</h1>

12

<p>As a few of the posts have indicated, what really matters is your family’s relationship to alcohol. If you have alcoholism in your family, if you fear that, then teaching about that is probably more important than lessons about what the right amount to drink is. I’m trying to say that there are levels of concern based on your family’s attraction to and susceptibility to alcohol. That’s the first level.</p>

<p>The second level is safety. I’m speaking specifically of two, maybe three circumstances. Number 1 - to me - is a girl drinking in a location or in a manner that may subject her to attack. My girls learned about watching their drinks and about how guys can’t be trusted and about how men act when they’re drinking and about places to avoid. We always said, “No matter what you’ve done and what you’re doing, if you’re not feeling safe call us and we’ll get you with no repercussions.” We’d rather have them alive.</p>

<p>Second issue is getting into a car with a driver who is drinking. That’s obvious but it needs to be repeated because it happens way too much. Again, a phone call is better than a car accident. No repercussions if you are worried about your safety. We’d rather have you alive. (And this relates to number 1 because you maybe shouldn’t be somewhere that you need to get into a car with a driver who has been drinking. This varies depending on where people live around this vast country.)</p>

<p>So my messages about responsible drinking are mostly about personal safety: don’t put yourself in dangerous places, don’t let yourself get hurt or killed because you trusted men you don’t know well enough, and don’t take drinks that are already open.</p>

<p>As for drinking itself, I noted it’s about your family. My family barely drinks so we’ve always allowed our kids alcohol. They don’t drink much because they aren’t that attracted to drink. That doesn’t mean they won’t make mistakes.</p>

13

<p>"As I said, I don’t know how his entire 4 years will go. I do know that he’s off to a much better start than lots of others. "</p>

<p>Based on the odds, that probably would be true whether or not you had allowed him to drink under your supervision.</p>

14

<p>I respect parents who try a well-thought out, personalized approach with their child that they think/hope might work. I personally do not believe there is a magic bullet or a one-size-fits-all solution to this problem. Even with the perfect approach for your child, he or she will still go to college and make their own decisions regarding drinking. We can hope to influence them, we can hope they are open with us about their actions, but in the end, these are their decisions to make. And they don’t tell us everything. </p>

<p>Even competent, mature adults make poor decisions with alcohol at times. That is the nature of the beast (alcohol).</p>

<p>I have an approach with S1 which will differ somewhat with S2 and even mores so with D3. I hope lots of it sticks. I’m sure a little will. Again, once they are in college, it’s their decisions, their consequences, my worries :(</p>

15

<p>Parents must take the approach that fits their kid and family best. What is critical, though, is parent take the time to meaningfully engage their kids with the issue, over the course of years, as opposed to ignoring it or a one time “lecture”. It takes time and effort to teach a kid responsible alcohol related behavior, however you define that, and how to use good judgement when confronted with opportunities.</p>

<p>In the case of our daughter, we engaged in a very systematic and controlled approach which was based on us modeling responsible behavior, having repeated in depth, candid and non-judgmental discussions and having clearly defined rules and expectations. Starting when she was 15, we added allowing her to have a controlled, limited experience with alcohol in a safe and secure environment which progressed to where at 18, when we took a family vacation to a location with relaxed drinking laws, she was able to function as a young adult making sensible decisions on her own. At that point, she was also well versed in critical safety protocols when in public places where alcohol is served. Each opportunity to demonstrate responsible judgment and behavior built on the last.</p>

<p>This approach worked well for us. From the time she was a freshman in college, she has been in complete control of her own decisions of whether to drink or not. She has consistently demonstrated responsible adult judgment. (And I am not being naive, I am in a position to observe since while she is living out of our house on what is probably a permanent basis, her home and her school are 1 1/2 blocks from my office and I see her several times a week in a broad variety of contexts.) In contrast, many of her peers at school drink to get drunk or engage in drinking under circumstances that put them at risk.</p>

16

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<p>I agree with both those statements. I also don’t have to allow or encourage them to have sex in order to discuss what I feel is an appropriate time for them to engage in that activity safely.</p>

17

<p>“I also don’t have to allow or encourage them to have sex in order to discuss what I feel is an appropriate time for them to engage in that activity safely.”</p>

<p>Sigh…comparing apples to oranges in my opinion. Different “activities” involve different methods and discussions. I also don’t need to allow or encourage him to speed on the highway in order for him to learn about that (because at some point in time, he might exceed the speed limit.) We’ve had discussions about all sorts of dangerous/risky things. I think the alcohol situation is very specific, and I’m sticking with my opinion on my method being the best way for my child. I totally agree with all of the posters who are saying this is a very personal decision for people who need to do what is right for their family.</p>

18

<p>Our approach was similar to that of MichaelNKat’s, described above. We modelled responsible drinking and our open communications with our children included many discussions on the topic, over many years. When they were in their mid-teens, we would allow them a small glass of wine with dinner or maybe a glass of beer on a hot summer day while barbecuing. The forbidden fruit approach rarely, if ever, works. I think that’s evident at every college with the binge rates. </p>

<p>The drinking age here in Ontario is 19. I would actually prefer that it were 18 so that college kids could legally go to a pub with friends and legally have a beer with dinner. The need to ‘pre-drink’ in the dorms would then, most likely, disappear. Having had kids attend college in both countries, anecdotally, the system works better here with the lower drinking age. The legal drinking age of 21 doesn’t work to prevent underage kids from drinking. That much is crystal clear.</p>

19

<p>It seems to me that if you base your objection to underage drinking strictly on the fact that it is illegal, you can’t really criticize parents who legally give their children alcohol, or children who drink when they visit jurisdictions where it is legal for them to drink.</p>

<p>I would criticize somebody who let their kid drive on the highway at age 14–but if it were legal for them to let the kid drive on private property, I can’t see why I would complain if they wanted to start teaching the kid at 14.</p>

<p>To me the difficult question here is whether mature behavior with regard to alcohol is better taught with education plus some controlled drinking in high school, or with just education in high school followed by the kid going off to college. I really don’t know.</p>

20

<p>“To me the difficult question here is whether mature behavior with regard to alcohol is better taught with education plus some controlled drinking in high school, or with just education in high school followed by the kid going off to college. I really don’t know.”</p>

<p>I totally agree and I definitely don’t really “know” either. I just think that some of the people responding seem to imply that the way I handled it was just plain bad - for every kid in every circumstance. (Maybe I’m reading too much in to it, but people throwing around the word “illegal,” comparing it to encouraging them to have sex, and talking about foster children being taken away are pretty negative and wide-reaching comments.) The people who are somewhat in agreement with me seem to also agree that it’s got to be based on a case by case situation however is best for the individual. (And I’m not saying people shouldn’t disagree with me. I’m just saying that people shouldn’t make such harsh judgments about the implications of how I handled it. Come on, you have to admit that a lot of the posts do sound a little judgmental.)</p>