<p>A good friend of mine has a 16 year old daughter. She has recently broken up with her boyfriend of 2 years. During the drama of the break up it came out that the boy had been abusive, verbally and physically. </p>
<p>This boy has started dating another girl, someone they all know. The question is should my friend call this girls mother and tell her what happened to her daughter?</p>
<p>I said yes, that I would want to know if it was my daughter.</p>
<p>I think your friend should encourage her daughter, who was the actual victim of the abuse, to talk to the girl. But I don’t think your friend should call the mother.</p>
<p>Adults should be dealing with what is, if true, a criminal offense, not teens who may be concerned about gossip and social standing. However, even if the new gf or her parent is warned, he can move on to another girl, unless he is stopped. A conversation with the school guidance counselor, security officer, etc. would be appropriate.</p>
<p>The problem with this scenario is that there is no proof that there was abuse unless something was filed with the school, the police. When it comes to these relationships, there is often a lot of mud slinging from the exes. Who is to believe whom? And you think the girl is going to break it off if her boyfriend’s ex levies those sorts of accusations with no proof? What possible good end result would all of this have? </p>
<p>If possible, if the word can get to someone through channels, at least a warning would be levied, and if signs crop up supporting this, in the current relationship, there might be some impact. But otherwise, what really do you think anyone is going to do with a story from an ex?</p>
<p>I would call the parents of the new girlfriend and tell them what I’d heard. Sure, I’d include all the disclaimers - could be just gossip, may not be true, may be exaggerated etc., but I would call.</p>
<p>If my D was the new gf, I’d want someone to tell me about bf’s history.</p>
<p>I would want to know also. However, there is a good chance the new girlfriend or her parents may not be receptive. Since all of you know the new girlfriend it would be nice if someone would be there for the new girl if they notice any signs of abuse. There is a good chance she might not tell anyone about it just like your friend’s daughter didn’t.</p>
<p>Yes, we all want to know about our children’s SO’s histories. But then what? In my many many years of dealing with these sorts of things, unless there is something that is truly documented somewhere, the bearer of the news often gets grief, and no good comes of it. So, in cases like this, I would definitely make get the word though indirectly. I don’t think it makes one bit of difference. If a young person is stuck on another, it 's rare that news like this is going to do anything other than enhance awareness. How vital this info is, one has to decide, because there is a cost of being the messenger.</p>
<p>I would call the parents of the new girlfriend, and give them a heads up. Rather than allegations that he is going to do the same to this girl, allow them the opportunity to be aware, and to watch for signs of abuse. </p>
<p>If there is proof, I would encourage the first family to report to whatever authorities may be appropriate. Too often, abusers are allowed to continue, moving from victim to victim because the victims are ashamed. They should be helped to understand that it is more shameful to let the same thing happen to the next victim, when they have the power to make it stop.</p>
<p>Too many people “don’t want to get involved.”</p>
<p>Not only would I call, I would urge the daughter of your friend to report what happened to the police. Guys like this not only do not stop if not confronted, they often (usually) escalate as they get older. Yes, it may boil down to a he said, she said situation and nothing will change. But he’ll know that others know. The reason teen abusers become adult abusers is that they keep getting away with it.</p>
<p>I know, it’s HARD to make things like this public. The girl usually believes it’s partially or all her fault, because that’s what he told her every time he hit her, and because she has little experience with how a healthy relationship should work. As a volunteer DV counselor, I saw this play out more than a few times. And it’s also hard to admit to your parents that you stayed involved with someone “like that”. Sometimes these guys are so charming the parents just love them and can’t understand why their daughter would break up with him. So she stays silent. </p>
<p>Please say something, OP.</p>
<p>OP here - My friend and I did discuss talking to the police, the whole thing was traumatizing to her D so she is not inclined to put her through any more.</p>
<p>It is thought that the boy broke up with my friends D to date this other girl. So my friends D feels like her friend/new girlfriend chose boy over her and is not likely to talk to this girl to give warning, besides apparently the new girl friend witnessed the abuse several times.</p>
<p>The new girlfriend is shy and not socially adept. Her mother is very protective.</p>
<p>Please, please, PLEASE push her to make a report. History for an assailant is crucial. It’s often how they decide what kind of charges to press and how actively to persue a case.</p>
<p>With that said, I’m honestly not sure what good it would do to warn her parents. You can try but if she’s already hooked, it might do more harm than good.</p>
<p>Urging someone to go to the police without knowing what that entails is not a good idea. The consequences can be ugly and even more traumatic. You usually have to get on with these things right away. I know of two cases from the last few years where parents of kids so accused sued for false allegations (that I think were true, but not provable) and won. Not to mention a lot of trouble for the kids involved. The one girl has not really recovered, not from the abuse but from the brougha the parents brought on her. She has been pretty much ostracised. You cannot accuse people of things if you cannot prove then without risking getting nailed yourself for false accusations and causing harm. You had better be able to prove what you allege, unless you do so most privately to someone you trust. </p>
<p>Given the circumstances, your friend and her D look like classic sour grapes. Happens all of the time. the ditched girl comes up with dirt on the new boyfriend. All that abuse and HE broke up with your friend’s D, not the other way around??? Smells fishy to me right there. Had there been some major event, trauma that occurred and it was widely known that precipiitated HER break from him, there would be a stronger case for your friend. And yes, I know that this is typical “abused spouse” syndrome, but we do have a legal system and the laws do hold. If a victim cannot work within them, there isn’t much that can be done.</p>
<p>The old grapevine might be the best way to get word to the mom. If she’s truly protective, any word of that sort will get her ears pricked for signs of trouble and she can make rules and keep watch to minimize damages. Maybe she’ll seek some infor herself, but really to just go up to her and tell her the story is not likelyt to do any good, and may set the daughter up for retaliation of sorts.</p>
<p>I think the parents should contact the parents of the new girl friend to give a heads up and to be aware.</p>
<p>They are not passing on gossip, they are discussing what happened to their daughter. I assume that thee is not physical “proof” as it sounds like the parents were unaware until after their daughter broke up with her boyfriend.</p>
<p>I would not expect to be thanked as the bearer of the news or even that the relationship would be broken off. But I would not be silent in the face of possible abuse of another young woman.</p>
<p>“In my many many years of dealing with these sorts of things, unless there is something that is truly documented somewhere, the bearer of the news often gets grief, and no good comes of it.”</p>
<p>I agree with all of this, but I think the first parent should warn the second parent anyway, and deal with the grief. The reward is sleeping better at night knowing that you took the only small step you could to protect a vulnerable child.</p>
<p>If I were your friend, I would call the girls mother. Yes, grief may come out of it but I couldn’t sleep if I did nothing.</p>
<p>As for pushing the girl to make a report, if she doesn’t want to do it, I would not push her. That may sound odd coming from a former legal advocate but the court system is tough enough when a victim wants to pursue a case. The victim simply must be up to it and it sounds like this girl may not be. I wish the system were different and more victim-friendly but it is not.</p>
<p>OP here. My friend has been weighing this out on many levels. She doesn’t want to cause her daughter any more grief, but she is concerned for the other girl. The girls had been friends for several years and she would hate to see the same situation occur. </p>
<p>Her idea was to simply tell the other mom what had happened to her daughter as a heads up. She is prepared for the other mom to reject the information. She feels she should try to at least give her the basic facts. She knows the new girl friend is very secretive and does not share much with her mom. The boy is a little older - out of high school.</p>
<p>Hanna, I think your statement concurs with what my friend is thinking.</p>
<p>OP, this boy and the new GF are the perfect set up for abuse, IMO. He’s older. She’s shy and socially inept. She does not share much with her mom. Whether or not she saw abuse with your friend’s D doesn’t matter. She very likely thinks that she can change him or that it won’t happen to her. Teenage girls are really good at talking themselves out of reality. I think, given what you’ve now shared, that it’s even more important for the mom to call her parents. </p>
<p>I don’t see it as fishy that the boy broke up with the friend’s D despite abuse. Girls often think they can change a guy and how many teen are so in looove with the guy that they do all kinds of things that go against common sense-sex, unprotected sex, drugs, etc.? It also sounds like the abuse was witnessed by at least one other person, so I don’t see the police ignoring it or the boys family suing for a false report. </p>
<p>At the minimum, someone should tell the mom of the new girl. Teen dating abuse is even more hidden and under reported than adult partner abuse. The kids are less aware, schools don’t do enough to talk about it, some parents don’t even know how to deal with it. I couldn’t sleep at night if I knew something and did nothing.</p>
<p>YES. Please tell. Nothing to lose and so incredibly much to gain by alerting new GF’s parents.</p>
<p>Think if something bad happened and she’d kept quiet. Too dreadful to contemplate.</p>
<p>I live in Central PA, so I know something about what happens when people rationalize the reasons to not confront abuse. Your friend needs to tell the other mom, and your friend needs to tell the authorities. It is not for her to investigate, authenticate, or validate. All she has to do is say " this is what I know". The world is not made a safer place with silence. It 's just a little more comfortable for those not in harm’s way.</p>