<p>I’m with Captainofthehouse. I don’t think there is nearly enough information here to go to the police, and the most I would do is tell the other mother what her own daughter reported. We are in no position to judge this here on the internet, and, with all due respect, teenage girls may not be reliable reporters. What was the nature of the abuse? Constant hitting or bruising the girl? Throwing a cellphone at her? There can be quite a range. I don’t mean to minimize the problem of abuse or abusive relationships in any way, but I would be careful with this one.</p>
<p>So MomofWildChild are you saying that unless it’s on record somehow, a teenage girl reporting abuse should be looked at as potentially lying rather than telling the truth? OP already SAID others have seen this boy abuse her friend’s D. The mom KNOWS this isn’t only between the one girl and the boy.</p>
<p>You do know, right, that one reason abused women of any age are reluctant to report what’s happening, is because their abuser is usually a charming guy who looks picture perfect to the rest of the world, and often takes it out on his wife/GF WITHOUT others seeing it? You do know that he tells her “No one will believe you” or “It’s all your fault anyway. They’ll take my side. If only you weren’t so stupid/weak/clumsy, I wouldn’t have to hit you,” or “If you tell, I’ll find you and hurt you worse,” or “If I can’t have you, no one will.”</p>
<p>When do abused women get to the “reliable” stage? How old do they have to be? Must they have taken photos, written down dates, had witnesses, been the one to call it off, in order to be believed? And how much abuse does one have to endure before it’s ok to report it? How many hits? How many things thrown at a person? How many shoves, scratches, slaps does it take? I’d really like to know.</p>
<p>One of my closest college friends was a (former) teen mom who went out with a charming guy who started with punching walls and the door of his car. He moved onto slapping her around, but she never said anything because she was sure no one would believe her. By the time she extricated herself, he’d put in the hospital more than once and she’d lost some of her hearing. At least she got out before he started in on their son. But it never WAS “constant hitting”. They don’t usually “constantly hit”. That’s how they are able to get away with it for so long.</p>
<p>Sorry, but your reasoning is way off on this one.</p>
<p>My friend, who is not a CCer, is reading all of these comments, she said it is extremely helpful to get all of these viewpoints. We will likely discuss this tomorrow. I will let everyone know of her decision. Thanks to all.</p>
<p>BTW the abuse was more that a tossed cell phone or the like, there were hidden bruises.</p>
<p>Sseamom- We all respond from our own frame of reference. I’m not saying that at all- you are, once again, misstating my post. However, I am a lawyer and I believe you and others are responding without sufficient facts. With bruises, I would definitely speak to the other mother.</p>
<p>I would like to add a perspective, if your friend’s daughter has been victimized by this young man, I would focus on her needs initially rather than the potential for an issue for this new gf. Please contact a victim services agency and have her seek some support, education about how she may choose to proceed. She may not have even revealed all of the abuse to her own Mom. I would be sure her daughter has support before your friend talks with the other girl’s mother, because this young man may very well find out she’s behind this and may seek retribution.</p>
<p>MomofWildChild-and I am a former DV victim who spent time working as a volunteer for a women’s shelter and working as a victim’s advocate. To do this I had 40 hours of training and many more hours of actually working with victims. That’s in addition to writing several news stories about the issues of domestic violence, which included interviewing victims, professionals, lawyers and advocates. I am not just going by my own perspective and experiences. I’m very familiar with how abusers work, how teen girls deal with the issue and how hard it is to prove abuse and how difficult it is to end the cycle.</p>
<p>I stand by what I said. If everyone waited for obvious bruises or to see it happen in real time, there would be more dead and injured women and fewer abusers stopped.</p>
<p>Of course you should tell your parents. Let a mature mind grabble with the hard facts. GL</p>
<p>OP here - my friend has sought professional help and support for her daughter.</p>
<p>I hope that the girl who experienced the abuse is getting some help and support. Does her mother know anyone who knows the new girl’s mother well, so the information could be handled in the most effective way?</p>
<p>Sorry- just saw above post.</p>
<p>glad her daughter is already receiving support. does the young woman feel comfortable with her mom contacting the other mom, any fears about the impact on her either with an angry reaction by the young man, or any other issue with the new gf?</p>
<p>OP, glad to hear that. It can only help your friend and her D to get professionals involved. I’m already worried for the new girl, as you said she’s shy and unsophisticated and the boy is older. That’s exactly what got me into my DV situation. Thank you for trying to help everyone. You may have saved someone a lot of pain-both physical and emotional.</p>
<p>IMO, not enough information to go to the police. I would not call the parents of the new girl friend. I would encourage my D to talk to the other girl. Through the decades I have seen several “couples” that were physically abusive and fortunately either divorced or broke up and seen those same people turn around and have perfectly wonderful longstanding relationships and marriages with new partners. Sometimes 2 people in a relationship can do really horrible things for some inexplicable reason. I’m glad the mom got help for the D so she can work through everything that happened.</p>
<p>Yes she should warn the parent, and I also think I would tell anybody else who might be in a position to be a victim of the young man.</p>
<p>What happens if there really was no abuse and this was just the story of an emotional young girl upset that the boy no longer wanted to date her or now has a new girlfriend?</p>
<p>How careful should we be before we label someone an abuser?</p>
<p>I do think it is very easy to spread unsubstantiated gossip about others and cast a shadow (or worse) on someone’s reputation, even for the noble cause of protecting someone. Rumors can be vicious and interesting that this revelation did not come out until after the break-up. Watch out for drama and hidden motives.</p>
<p>tom1944 and marybee333, other people SAW the abuse! How can this be an “emotional” girl getting back at a guy who dumped her?! Clearly neither of you have been abused or have anyone close to you who has been abused, because it’s damn scary to accuse someone of abusing you when you have to then see them again in close quarters. Heck, it’s scary and intimidating even from a distance. In fact, the most dangerous time for any DV victim is AFTER the breakup and they report DV, because that’s when the guy no longer has control. That’s often when things go from bad to worse and women get killed. </p>
<p>Even well-educated, adult women have problems breaking it off with abusers. If they were nasty and abusive all the time it would be a lot easier, but they’re often sweet and thoughtful and charming-until they once again cause bodily harm, then the cycle starts all over again. </p>
<p>So take an inexperienced teen in a serious relationship with someone who is likely pretty nice to her most of the time and it can be really confusing. But she knows that this guy got away with something and now, once out of his orbit for awhile, she finally says something to her mom. What’s more, she sees her friend, an even MORE inexperienced girl with even LOWER self-esteem heading in the same direction. </p>
<p>I can see that we need far more education about DV, particularly teen dating violence.</p>
<p>@tom: nobody’s labelled by sharing information. It’s irresponsible to know information about a prior relationship and not share that with the new gf parents. What they do with that information, what the new gf experiences, what police want to do with a report are all up to THEM. When we allow bullies to do their thing unimpeded, we are enabling the behavior. It’s not just the victim’s job to defend themselves – it’s our job as bystanders to say “Hey, stop that” or at least “Hey, what’s going on.” OP is not saying to run a classified ad or gossip quietly or leave crank messages, she’s just saying is it okay to tell someone “this is what I have heard about his past relationship and it troubles me”. That’s how the world used to work. We looked out for one another, instead of assuming someone else would do that. Or assuming that if things were really bad, we’d “know”. We never know. That’s pretty much proven again and again; we just don’t know and therefore you have to open your eyes and stop worrying about what might happen to the boy. If he hasn’t done anything, he’ll be fine.</p>
<p>What post does it say other people saw the abuse? It is irresponsible to not report abuse but what is it if we report someone as an abuser and in fact they are not? Is that acceptable?</p>
<p>Is the boy or his parents allowed to tell the young lady’s future boyfriends and their parents to be careful this young lady will “falsely” accuse you of being an abuser?</p>
<p>
Then, really, the question of whether or not to talk to the new girl’s mother should be answered by that professional. Also, that professional is a mandated reporter of abuse, right?</p>
<p>Well said, greenbutton.</p>