I’ve been a “lurker” mainly on CC for years, helping my nephews with their college searches. Now, however I have a question for the moms of older teen girls regarding friendship issues. My daughter is in eighth grade, almost 14. Last school year, a girl in her friend group started an untrue rumor about my daughter because a boy that this girl liked asked my daughter out. Although my daughter turned the boy down, her friends believed the rumor and disowned her. My daughter was devastated but made her best effort to move forward with new friends this year. Sure enough, though, a similar thing is happening again, and my daughter has lost all but a few of her new friends. My daughter is uber-focused on school, her leadership class, her competition dance team, and competition piano. She has absolutely no interest in dating boys at her school…she has told me that she thinks they are immature and a waste of time. She is, however, very pretty and looks much older than 14, so she gets unwanted attention from guys a lot, even when we are in boring places like the grocery store. I’d just like to ask you more experienced moms — does this get better? Do the girls gradually stop being so mistrusting and “mean” to each other as they go through high school? I have no experience with this, as I was average looking and very shy in high school and got no attention from boys. It breaks my heart to see my sweet, bubbly daughter cry from losing her friendships. I want to give her hope that things will get better in high school. Thanks for any input.
My D did not have a big group of friends, but a few close friends and they stayed friends all through middle school
and high school. So my advice would be for your D to find some true friends who will stand by her no matter what. Probably someone who will share at least some of her interests.
There are always girls who start drama unfortunately. She will have to try and stay out of it.
I’m so sorry. I wish I could give her a hug.
My daughter didn’t settle into a stable friend group until end of freshman year of high school. Social groupings came and went and while she was never the focus of the drama I heard plenty of stories, usually involving perceptions of girls stealing boys from other girls. I believe it does get better and they lose that vicious edge. Maybe it’s just maturation or getting used to all of those hormones.
So yes, I think it does get better. My daughter and her girlfriends do lots of things together in a big clump, including attending dances.
Each phase has its own challenges. Hopefully by high school she will find friends who share similar interests. Our public high school had students from several middle schools so it is possible she may not have very many classes with the students that she is with now. Just teach her to believe in herself and be confident. Those other girls have growing up to do. Tell her just to be true to herself and not try to be like anyone else. The original is always better than the copy. It is good that she is focused on school and her activities. I am sure she can make friends that share common interests like music and dance. She is learning to be part of a team. When students are that busy and focused they don’t have time to focus on the drama of the other girls. Boys will show interest in her but just keep the lines of communication open with her so that she doesn’t hesitate to come to you if there is any problem. Between now and by the time she gets ready for college you will slowly see here mature and be more confident in herself.
Do you have friends who have elder children? It helps to have a friend that is several years senior to be a good role model and talk to about social issues in school.
My dd is a college student who is on the quiet side and focused. In high school she found a circle of friends that complimented her personality and shared similar interests.
Thanks mommdc. I would love for my daughter to have friends like you describe. My daughter really abhors drama. She loves calling herself a “nerd” and would love to have some like-minded “nerdy” friends. She’s a bit disheartened because most of her former friends were from her band class and she had thought she found her “tribe.” I’m hoping that she might meet some new friends in leadership next year.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply, raclut. My daughter is rather quiet and focused, too. I would love for her to find even a very small circle of like-minded friends.
Middle school is the worst. It does still happen some in high school, though. It sounds like your daughter is resilient and centered – that will serve her well. She is probably also learning (the hard way) that some people who act like “friends” really aren’t – hopefully her radar on who is a decent human being and who isn’t will continue to improve.
Thank you, mamaedefamilia:) Your post gives me hope!
Thank you intparent. Yes, she is learning the hard way. She just told me tonight that the girl who originally started the rumor about her wants to be her roommate on their end-of-the-year school trip to Wash DC. I know that this girl will probably stir up trouble, but my daughter is hopeful that this is a new beginning for their friendship. I’m cynical, but I actually see the other girl hurting my daughter again.
Well… your D may be a slow learner if she is okay with that scenario. 
But unfortunately, you can’t figure it out for them. Heck, my D2 is a college junior, and is having issues with a queen bee in her dorm sharing personal info my D told her with other people. I reminded my D the other day of the risk of telling personal info to someone that she knows likes to stir up trouble. I guess we keep advising, and hope they figure it out.
I went through something similar. I was bullied in my K-8 and went to a different school system beginning in high school. I had a good group of friends until my ex-girlfriend spread a rumor my sophomore year.
I know it took a while (in retrospect it feels like zero time at all), but I eventually said screw it and made friends through theater. I grew closer to a lot of my guy friends (including one who is my best friend to this day, a decade later) and it’s barely even a bad memory.
IMO, your D needs to ditch the “other girl” and say thanks but no thanks to the roommate situation. Is there any one else who is out of that friend group that your D might grow closer to?
It does get better but it only gets better if you cut the toxic people out of your life.
The friends keep changing. It’s good to meet all kinds of people with different interests because you learn a lot from them and get different perspective. That is how it will be in college. I used to tell my daughter don’t just stick to one group. Make an effort to get to know others . You don’t have to be very close to everybody. You can still have your close group of friends that get along and understand each other and then you can have friends who all share a common goal or interest. The more she is involved in different activities the more likely she will come across different people. I know kids these days are always behind their computer but having good communication skills and being able to relate to others and sort out differences is a good thing.
Middle school is the worst. Things do improve but mean or insecure girls don’t go away completely as @intparent has stated with her own daughter. My daughter has faced a few incidents in both high school and college stemming from jealousy type situations. The blatant rudeness and catty behavior can be shocking. The thing that bothers me the most about it has been watching my own child lose a little of her openness as a result over the years, going from sweet and trusting to more pragmatic and more cautious in trusting others. Good life skills, I suppose, but mourned by me nonetheless.
Thank you romanigypsyeyes. Yes, there is one girl from her leadership class that my daughter has mentioned is friendly and has suggested that they do something social. I’m not sure if my daughter is being naive or just an optimist (she is normally a sunny person) about the roommate situation. I know my daughter REALLY wants to be in this group again. But my gut tells me that she cannot trust this other girl, who is the “queen bee” of that group.
Thank you raclut. I like the idea of her having friends in lots of varied groups.
Oh doschicos, your post tugged at my heart! What you described with your daughter is what I suspect will happen to my daughter. I don’t want her to lose her trust of friends or openness in female friendships, but that is what I fear will probably happen. I don’t understand the cattiness directed at girls that truly only want friendship.
She will be a social butterfly. As the girls get older and reflect on middle school they will be embarrassed by their immaturity at that age.
Yes and No.
My “nerdy” D16 experienced very little middle school drama but quite a bit of drama end of sophomore/beginning of junior year. Senior year has been less volatile and her maturity level and her classmates maturity level has increased to a point that they all seem better equipped to handle their issues without tearing each other down. D16 , much like myself in high school, completely changed friend groups around the end of junior year. Which I associate with coming to realize who you are and who you truly want to spend your time with and not just settling.
“Nerdy Cheerleader” D18 experienced lots of drama in middle school and so far HS has been drama free. (although she tells me all sorts of stories about the drama experienced by her cheer teammates.) My D18 cheerleader does not hangout with her teammates too much outside of practice/games/class. She does not date or attend parties. Her “besties” are definitely academic/orchestra types. She gets her work done and seems to rather watch Netflix than get involved with the drama. I would say she is too self absorbed to pay attention to what is going on around her.
As you said your D was involved with competitive dance, I will say that if your D is hanging with other dance/cheer girls the drama will likely be never ending and more often than not will be related to a boy or just plain “cattiness” having to do with “I heard that you said _____”. The competitive nature of these kids does trickle into their personal relationships.
Thank you for your reply labegg. Actually, my daughter is one of the younger girls on her dance team, and that group is really supportive and caring (she has been on other dance teams, though, so I know what you mean). Plus, most of the dance girls go to different schools, so the “boy drama” is practically non-existent. My daughter’s main problems have been with girls that she is in band with, which has been really surprising for me…I remember the band director telling me that in band they are all like a “big family.” I think losing her school “family,” her supposed safety net, is what has hurt my daughter the most.
I agree with others that say middle school is the worst. D1 had, and still has, some issues that she just refuses to get torn up about. She’s now a junior, and her ex-best friend turned on her after she started dating. My 8th grader (D2) has been dealing with the cattiness for a couple years, and now has many ‘boy’ friends since they are much more sane and less dramatic at that age, even though they are all idiots ;).
I would encourage your daughter to re-kindle the friendship with the trouble-maker, but with added caution. Be the bigger person, but be ready to cut her loose if drama ensues.