Just a word of warning, @vineyardview, since you mention your daughter as being very pretty and looking older than her age of the issue of pretty freshman girls and upperclass high school guys. Having been very much a plain girl myself and having it be my first child in high school, all the unasked for attention my own daughter got the moment she stepped into high school did take me by surprise and catch me a bit off guard. I was a little unprepared for it myself and had to do some quick talks and kept some close monitoring of the situation. I don’t know what I was expecting but I guess I forgot that there was a big difference between some 14 year old eighth grade boy and an 18 year old young “man” showing interest in your daughter. Better forewarned…
Thank you 2muchquan. I will consider encouraging her to rekindle the friendship. I just worry that my daughter will not see the signs and not “cut her loose” before the girl can do further damage to my daughter’s reputation. I just don’t think my daughter may be that “street smart” yet.
Thanks, doschicos. I will be sure to keep an eye on that. Seriously, she gets grown men leering at her often (I want to yell “She’s Thirteen!!”), and she really has no idea. I can see a sweet-talking senior boy possibly sweeping off her feet! Yikes!!
Thank you again, raclut!
Thanks to everyone who has posted so far. All of my siblings have boys and most of my friends have boys, so I really didn’t have much to go on. Your insight has been very helpful!
I watched a grown man walk into a parking meter once when he turned around to look at D2 on the street when she was about 14. It was karma. 
I was the bullied girl in middle school and even to this day, thinkng about those times makes me cry. And I’m 51. The scars are deep and lasting.
I can tell you one thing though: I never, in a million years, would have confided what was going on to my mother. I would not have wanted my mother to know what was going on. I worked hard to create an image to my mother that I was one of the cool, popular kids. I truly believed that my mother would think less of me had she known the truth so I did everything possible to prevent her from finding out. I think it is a major testament to your parenting skills that your daughter has confided in you. And I’m certain that even though it has left you with a heavy heart, her heart has been lightened by being able to confide in you.
I don’t have any advice, other than to help to foster her friendships outside of school. Does she have camp friends she keeps in touch with on social media? Be the mom that volunteers to make the three hour roundtrip drive so they can get together. Does she like the kids in her non-school affiliated dance class? Offer to host the bowling/ pizza/ slumber party for the class. Even if these relationships are not close enough to be sustaining, they will give perspective that the middle school hierarchy does not rule the entire world.
And don’t interview for pain! Try to help your child focus on the positives while still being open to hearing the negatives but don’t go searching for the negatives in every conversation (which is very easy to fo when you are in the throes of anxiety).
I was bullied in grade and middle school, tho never admitted it to my folks. I was popular with the boys in my math class because I had taught myself algebra via texts that my 6th grade teacher had in the classroom and was helping all the people seated around me (who happened to be boys) with their math because I couldn’t see the overhead projector anyway. Girls were very catty and were convinced I was doing something to lure them away (tho I wasn’t actually romantically interested in any of them).
D was bullied awfully in middle school as well. Fortunately she and I found some good friends once we reach HS and it DID get better for both of us. She has kept those friends for over 10 years now and was even college room mates with several of them. They are VERY loyal and great friends (they’re attractive and very smart too).
Fortunately, S was able to escape those issues–doesn’t seem boys are into the same type of cattiness that D & I experienced with girls.
Agree that fostering other friendships outside of school is a great idea–neighbors, sports, hobbies?
I am going to say it doesn’t get better - my daughter’s college roommates were just as horrible as these middle school girls. My daughter (who did not have the problem of looking older) solved this issue by friending and hanging out with the boys (started this in middle school and is still true today as a senior in college). Not the cool boys - the smart ones - who were in most of her high level classes. She shares more interest with them - video games, japanese anime, etc. These have been true friendships (none of them were ever interested in dating her). She has also learned to be comfortable alone and with herself, had no problem sitting at lunch in the cafeteria reading a book.
Thank you, nottelling. I’ve never heard the phrase, “don’t interview for pain” before," and I like it. I will definitely keep the conversation positive with my daughter. I think that because I was unpopular and a bit of a loner as a teenager (not by choice - I just didn’t have many friends), this does bring up old wounds for me, too. My daughter doesn’t need relive that with me. My daughter really doesn’t any close friends outside of school now, but I will encourage her to get to know the girls in dance better. She is attending camp for the first time this summer, and I’m going to encourage her to make friends there, too.
Thank you, Himom. I hope my daughter has a similar experience to you and your daughter. Funny that you mention making friends with boys in math class, because my daughter has told me that one of the bright spots in her day is her conversations with the boys in her geometry class. She says that they are great to talk to and don’t really care about looks … just telling silly jokes and talking about coding computers. And, yes, I’m really going to encourage her to look outside of school for new friendship possibilities.
Thank you, kiddie. Your reply is actually similar to the reason I posted all of this in the first place. I had an experience similar to your daughter’s while I was in college…not over boys or anything like that, but the girls were just so catty and unkind. It wasn’t until after college that I was able to form long-term, loyal friendships. I really hope my daughter doesn’t have to wait that long.
I would encourage your daughter to find another roommate for the trip and not be so eager to be part of the group of friends if the other girl is the “queen bee.” She’s already shown she can’t be trusted.
My daughter had a similar experience in MS when a Queen Bee type girl spread rumors about her. She cut that girl, and everyone who believed the rumors, from her circle. I encouraged her to be a leader, not a follower. The goal isn’t to join a group, it’s to create a circle of trustworthy friends and to be a trustworthy friend in someone else’s circle. People who spread rumors about you aren’t worthy of being in your circle.
Thank you austinmsshauri! What a great way to flip the dynamic. I love that you encouraged your daughter to be a leader and cut out the other people out, instead of the other way around. I bet that made your daughter feel much more in control of the situation, too. I’m going to talk to my daughter this morning about perhaps arranging another roommate for the DC trip. I really just get a bad feeling about the queen bee, and would hate for more drama to come up, especially when my daughter is on the other side of the country, and just physically can’t get away from any friendship drama.
Having 4 daughters ( 3 of whom experienced this type of behavior from friends ) I feel for you. Sometimes it was just a matter of being left out of group activities and sometimes it as just straight up meanness. Girls can be brutal. There always seems to be that one girl , the ringleader who all the other girls follow . Sometimes they do it because of the fear of being the next one left out or targeted .
My oldest daughter had a rough time in middle school and then things calmed down and leveled out in high school. Ironically, the girl who had been her best friend from 4th grade until 7th grade was the one who caused all the trouble. She sort of eclipsed her in terms of growing out of her ugly ducking , awkward stage to being the swan…and it went to her head…meanwhile, my daughter had the braces, frizzy hair and glasses. When they both went off to private high school for their freshman year, the tables got turned a bit and the friend got bullied because other girls found her threatening .She was getting a lot of attention from boys…despite the animosity between the girls , my daughter stood up for her. They eventually both left the school and went back to local public school. And oddly , they have been best friends since !
Friend was married a few years ago , and my daughter was her maid of honor. Later this year, friend will be the matron of honor at daughter’s wedding
The queens of elementary school decided my daughter was not going to be a part of their world. Unfortunately they all went on to the same middle school, and then mostly to the same high school. She was not a part of the “in” crowd, ever. However…
She took up a band instrument in elementary school, which created an immediate group of friends who stuck together through the end of high school.
She switched (well, I switched her) from soccer, which was the go-to sport of that group of queen bees, to a lesser known team sport. She played a different rec league sport every season for years, which introduced her to girls from other schools. Eventually she joined a club team for her fall sport. In high school she was picked up for the varsity team right away, and was a part of that team when it won a state championship. She was a recruited athelete, and is now happily playing her sport at a great little DIII school. The team is average, but she was a starting player as a freshman, the team is friendly, warm and welcoming, and she loves the team and her college.
Both band and a fall team sport gave her two completely different groups of friends the day she started high school.
She also took riding lessons (horse-English) for a number of years in elementary and middle school. This also gave her a completely different group of friends, none of whom went to school with her.
She has two older brothers, has always clicked with boys as friends, and her social group of choice was mostly boys for years. Her best friends through high school were boys.
In other words, she went on with her life as though those queens didn’t exist. She has a sweet soul, and never said a harsh word about anyone. But she was never invited to one of their parties. Middle school lunch rooms must be one of the circles of h***.
By the end of high school she had been voted prom princess, and homecoming princess . Why? I think because she was universally liked. She never did become a part of that group of girls, but who cares? Other people really like her. The queen bees like her too, but she is not a part of that group. Thank goodness. People like her because she wasn’t a part of the drama that went along with the crowd of girls who continued to rule the school. People like her because she wasn’t catty, didn’t stab anyone in the back, and could flow from group to group with ease.
She went her own way.
It gets better.
Lessons learned: Don’t beg to be a part of a group. Find some other interests.
You couldn’t pay me to go through 7th grade again. I was a victim of verbal bullying in 7th grade. It was pretty clearly precipitated by jealousy, but even knowing the probable cause didn’t help much. 8th grade was better, and in 9th grade I changed schools. My new friends there were friends for life. I did stay in Girl Scouts and the main perpertrator (who was also a Scout) of the 7th grade bullying actually apologized to me somewhere around junior year. While some girls never grow out of his sort of behavior I think for many it’s is best to think of it as a temporary insanity. I was surprised at how much better that apology made me feel, I really believe her behavior had been festering at her for years.
Just in contrast to others on here (and no in no way am I downplaying their experience, just offering an alternative), after that incident with my ex, I never experienced anything of the sort again. But I think this is because I really have no secrets and no shame about anything I do/have done. There was no fodder for rumors about me because I was so blunt about everything I did, any rumors would’ve died out quickly because no one would’ve believed them.
I also surrounded myself with good people and had no problem kicking out any toxicity from my life. I’ve severed friendships (with more males than females, actually) because they’ve turned out to be crappy people not worth my time.
In college, I had an excellent group of friends- both guys and girls. (More guys though because I’ve always hung out with guys more.) Absolutely no cattiness, no drama, no nothing.
(In no way is this a brag because I’ve gone steeply downhill since then)- I was very pretty in middle and high school and looked far older than my age. I was 6’ tall, model body, athlete, the whole shebang. I did get the unwanted attention from both men and women but I was entirely oblivious to it most of the time. I didn’t notice it until my high school boyfriend and I broke up and my phone blew up with flirts/dates/etc before the news had even hit facebook.
All of this is to say that yes, it can get better- even if you’re the one guys/girls pursue and people are jealous. Maybe I got lucky, but I don’t think so. I just had a no nonsense attitude after the last incident my sophomore year and once people realized they couldn’t get to me, they stopped trying. Then I surrounded myself with people who wouldn’t do that in the first place.
LOL, My D16’s drama was band drama.
Thank you lje62. Actually, one of the girls in the clique that ousted my daughter was her best friend of many years. Losing that friend was perhaps the hardest part of this for my daughter. She was devastated that her closest friend believed the lies being told about her. I’m hopeful that - like your daughter - eventually my daughter and her former “bestie” will become friends again (although maybe they can never be very best friends again), as they both mature and realize what really happened.