Lol labegg! Glad she’s not the only one. I don’t know why I thought band kids would be immune to this sort of stuff. Shows that I need to rid myself of stereotypes!
“But I think this is because I really have no secrets and no shame about anything I do/have done. There was no fodder for rumors about me because I was so blunt about everything I did, any rumors would’ve died out quickly because no one would’ve believed them.”
From my observations and experience, no fodder, secrets, or shame are necessary for catty girl behavior.
Possibly true, dos. Perhaps I got lucky but I do think that not having secrets made it easier to not have those secrets shared… by definition.
My D2 definitely found the geeky boys in Quiz Bowl & Robotics to be easier to deal with than a lot of the girls in her class. She had a few good girlfriends since middle school (all of them bonded over living books, actually), and mostly she stuck with them. Her worst “girl conflict” in HS was over college admissions results when another girl didn’t get in EA to a top school D2 was admitted to, and went around complaining to everyone that she was more qualified.
Neither D nor I had any cattiness not secrets. We honestly didn’t get what the mean girls were doing, but knew how lonely and isolating it felt. I grew 5 inches and gained 25 pounds from 6th grade to 7th, so was my full height, weight and curves, so more “developed” than many of the other girls, so that may have been a factor for me. D on the other hand looks really young, even today but has a very friendly and appealing personality.
One of the stated reasons she was picked on in grade thru middle school was due to her using words (unconsciously) that the other girls didn’t understand (the words were common in her vocabulary but apparently not in theirs)
I was very comfortable being pals with the guys, as they were like my many brothers.
As an adult, I have always had male and female friends. D similarly gets along great with both genders and has lots of buddies she has cultivated from HS, college and beyond.
D took summer school at the private school she was applying to attend in HS. She made a nice set of new TRUE friends there who welcomed her once she was admitted and enrolled in the private HS. That school was a MUCH better academic fit and she met academic peers.
Sadly, scouts, orchestra, basketball, soccer and paddling didn’t give her any lasting friends, but they did provide some distraction.
At least home with us and brother was a respite where she knew she would always find unconditional love and acceptance. It did get immensely better for D.
Thank you for your insightful reply eastcoastcrazy. Your post gives me a lot of reason to hope that things will be just fine for my daughter. I wish I knew of an older girl like your daughter IRL that could be this kind of example for my daughter. I want my daughter to be like yours - to go forward without a giving a second thought about that other clique. Thanks again.
Thank you romanigypsyeyes. I appreciate your continued insight into this. Actually, the things that were said about my daughter were completely fabricated. My daughter had no lies or skeletons in her closet that this girl brought out to light. In fact, when we first heard about the rumors, my husband and I actually laughed (we thought it was as joke at the time) because it seemed like they were so far-fetched. My daughter literally has no idea to manipulate people and she turns bright red and stammers when she talks to boys she “likes.” The idea that she somehow “seduces boys and makes them leave their girlfriends,” as was said about her, is simply ridiculous. But I do know what you mean, and I want my daughter to be authentic and have nothing to hide or be ashamed of as she grows up.
Doschicos, I agree.
OP, you and your daughter may both want to read, “Queen Bees and Wannabees” by Rosalind Wiseman. It will give you both insight into why the middle school and early high school years can be so tough with girls. I have 2 daughters who dealt with this in varying degrees, and I can tell you it DOES get better.
Thank you mathmom. I think it would mean the world to my daughter if the queen bee eventually apologized her. And I like the way you described it as possibly temporary insanity. The queen bee is otherwise a thoughtful, very intelligent girl. I can’t imagine she will be able to justify these actions to herself once she gets older.
Thank you, HImom. What you said about “academic fit” resonated with me, because my daughter really, really likes school and is a classic overachiever. She really has no room in her thoughts for “who likes who” or “who broke up with who.” She will sometimes leave friend’s texts unanswered on her phone until the next day, because she is so engrossed in her homework or a school/extracurricular project. I sometimes wish my husband and I had sought out more academically demanding high schools that would have probably been more up our daughter’s alley. At this rate, she will be going to high school with mainly the same group of kids, and most of them do well in school, but aren’t as driven or focused as my daughter. I think that the majority of more rigorous schools around here have closed their applications, so switching gears now is probably not an option.
Thanks again, intparent. How sad for your daughter that the other girl couldn’t just be happy for your daughter getting into that college:(
Well… my D tried to talk to her about it (they were teammates for an activity, so had previously been friends) and was rebuffed. So… D started using the swag coffee cup the school had sent her during class with that girl (she had shown off none of the swag prior to this girl’s bad behavior and rudeness when D tried to talk to her). Might not have been the most mature thing D ever did, but she was annoyed.
Lol intparent, that really made me laugh.
Thank you for your assurance Suzy100:) I think I read that book a while back and have it around the house somewhere. I’ll have to give it another read. Thanks for the suggestion!
I didn’t mean to imply that band or sports solve anything. But in my own daughter’s situation, those were places to meet other people who were not a part of the queen bee crew and their minions. None of the Bees would have been caught dead in band, and my daughter participated in a couple of sports they were not a part of. She could just as well have chosen to get involved in advanced art classes, or raising pigs for 4H, or rock climbing.
Of course none of that made the middle school lunchroom any kinder or gentler, but such is life.
It does get better, but it gets worse again too. I was a nerdy girl at a small Catholic school who didn’t care for sports and was surrounded by jocks. I was bullied constantly buy both boys and girls through high school. College was better and I had a few female friends, but it started all over again at my first job out of college, from women who were old enough to know better. To this day I have serious trust issues with women.
I think I know what you mean, eastcoascrazy. I do want my daughter to try to form new social connections outside the presence of the queen bee’s clique. And, if nothing else, it will keep her busy and focused on something else during this difficult period of her social life.
Bestfriendsgirl, thanks for the reply. How sad that your experiences gave you trust issues with women. I myself didn’t meet my closest friends until I was well into my twenties. It took me quite a while to find friends who I felt like I could completely be myself with and be accepted for who I am. I hope that you have since found friends like that, and I’m hoping that my daughter will be able to find “her people” much earlier in life than I did. We all deserve the happiness that can come from good friendship.
College was a clean slate for me. I tried a sorority which was a disaster, then applied to transfer to an OOS U. Just before leaving, I found a very nice group via two freshmen honor societies but transferred anyway to get away from toxic relationship with HS BF.
At new U, made a nice group of friends but that blew up because my “best new friend” who lived next door to me in the dorm decided to she wanted the guy I was dating, so I bailed and made a whole new group of friends with the campus YWCA. The following year, made new friends in the dorm.
I guess, learning to be agile and out of toxic situations and finding new friends and tribes has been a useful skill for me and D, more so than learning to be a good follower, or “sheep,” as D and I call it. I am still selective as to friendships but have never had time or interest in cattiness.