<p>SBMom’s post #31 is a keeper. And PattyKK’s post #32 is just one more example of why “abstinence only” leads to corrosive ignorance in more ways than one.</p>
<p>Ariesathena: Thanks for the young woman’s point of view. I think your old-fashioned approach will serve you well; you have always struck me as a woman who knows herself well and who commands respect. How are you enjoying law school, BTW?</p>
<p>Thank you. 
Also, I’ll give credit to many of my girl friends, who have had similar circumstances and are good at articulating their problems with it. (Not to be too blunt, but we often wonder why men act the way they do. They’ll complain about a lack of ‘intimacy’ in a way that makes it seem as if they are giving up other ‘opportunity’ by dating us - the classic “Sure, it’s fine for the woman to want to wait, but what it the guy supposed to do while she’s waiting?” line. Sadly, the emotional intimacy comes afterwards or not at all - I guess it is the cultural precursor to the current high school model of casual, but intense, hookups. Positive news is that those attitudes seem to change with age - some of it is the last hangover from college.) Will also admit that, although I’m somewhat reserved, I’ve learned the hard way about what SBMom discussed so eloquently. </p>
<p>I’m enjoying law school - thank you for asking! We got a very short winter break, so coming back was a bit tough. Content-wise, I preferred some of the classes last semester - administrative law is one of the most horrifically boring subjects ever envisioned - but I still love being in law school. It’s also slowly becoming “home” to me - losing that “wow there’s no one here I’ve known longer than a month” feeling.</p>
<p>Any man who is not only willing but eager to reciprocate sexually is a waste of time. People who don’t want intimacy cannot be “pleasured into it” either. I have read some really sweet posts by young men on this board that indicate there are plenty of feeling, decent guys out there who want the same thing you want, emotional intimacy.</p>
<p>wow. my parents never had the “sex talk” with me. In fact, they have never even metioned that word to me, even today. From sex ed at school and other stuff, I figured out a lot about sex, and I know a lot of people in my school who have gotten pregnant because of one wild day. </p>
<p>For me though, I am smart enough to know that I dont want to do it until I get married. I figured that out on my own, and I have stuck with that…</p>
<p>I think some kids just make bad decisions, but that many kids are smart enough to know when to stop. Schools should inform students better in their “sex ed” classes, because this way, I believe that less kids will have sex.</p>
<p>Neelesh, I’m not trying to pick on you (quite the contrary - congrats on being so sane and stable ) but a thought. </p>
<p>I do think that family planning continues beyond the altar. Before then, it’s “birth control,” but after a wedding, it’s family planning - just figuring out how many kids you want, how many you can afford, both with sanity and financially, and when you want to have them. Again, NOT directed at you but at abstinence-until-marriage programmes. I think a mom on here put it best (maybe JenniferPA) that if there weren’t birth control, the intimacy between her and her husband would be greatly diminished. When do kids hear about that? Are they supposed to magically figure out how to prevent pregnancies once they wed or just have 12-15 children then? </p>
<p>Rant not directed at you - your post was a springboard for random thoughts that the 'rents will pick up on.</p>
<p>“Schools should inform students better in their “sex ed” classes, because this way, I believe that less kids will have sex.”</p>
<p>The day that is passed I am getting my visa and ticket and making a one way trip to Amsterdam ;).</p>
<p>Bumping this up to remind those who are interested that Katie Couric’s special on this topic is on tonight at 10 on NBC.</p>
<p><a href=“http://us.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/26/tv.katie.couric.special.ap/index.html[/url]”>http://us.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/26/tv.katie.couric.special.ap/index.html</a></p>
<p>I am SO happy! My daughter’s senior prom is in a few weeks, and I just got a letter from her principal. It says that because it is a known fact that some kids have sex after prom and after afterprom, and because the school has a Sex & Health & Wellness class, they will have condoms available that evening. And this is a parochial school! </p>
<p>I have a feeling this is going to be another instance of my daughter telling me to write a supportive letter to the principal, to counter letters which may not be so positive about this new policy.</p>
<p>Phooey! It was a prank.</p>
<p>I caught the first few minutes of last night’s Katie Couric special, and then had to go somewhere. It looked like something I would like to have seen. Could anyone who watched it give a brief synopsis?</p>
<p>BLUMINI Thanks!! Im going to order a copy of “Changing Bodies, Changing Lives .” today.</p>
<p>I watched this with my two younger daughters and thought it was fairly well done. I took a few notes because the information will be useful in the counselling I do. The show was filmed over a weekend. They brought 20 teens aged 13-17 from all over the country to Florida for 48 hours together. They were a diverse group, racially, ethnically, spiritually, economically, from both urban and rural areas. They came with their parents and the rules for the kids were: no drugs, no drinking, no sex for the 48 hrs. It was interesting watching them interact and seeing how comfortable they were with each other almost immediately.</p>
<p>The show was in conjuction with a scientific survey which NBC conducted on the same topic. 1000 kids across the country from 13-16. Some results of this were:</p>
<p>Most teens will have lost their virginity by their 16th birthday.
*14% of 13-14 yr. olds are sexually active
*41% by the time they’re 15
*half of parents of sexually active kids think their kids have done nothing more than kiss.</p>
<p>Oral sex: 40% have it as a way to avoid intercourse or pregnancy. They think it’s not as intimate, it’s more casual, it’s no big deal, it’s expected in relationships, most do not use protection. It’s almost always one way, the girls want to get it over with, to satisfy their b/f, to be popular. Most boys surveyed (and those on the show) felt it was fine to receive oral sex from friends with no emotional attachment involved.</p>
<p>This led to a discussion of hooking up (today’s one night stands) and friends with benefits (sexual perqs with no commitment). One boy compared FWB with practicing golf, or any other sport. You practice, you improve your skills so you’re ready for the big game. Some indicated they were interested in fun only, and not in relationships. Others, mostly girls, indicated that it’s not as uncomplicated as some believe.</p>
<p>There was a discussion about abstinence programs vs. comprehensive sex ed. Most agreed that abstinence programs do not achieve the desired result as 88% of kids who say they’ll abstain from sexual activity do not do so. Expectations need to be realistic. Peer pressure, sexual messages in the media were mentioned. </p>
<p>The final segment was advice given by two experts, psychologists. The most important and honest statement of the entire show, I felt, was that you need to talk openly with your child from the time they’re very small. About everything. Making time to have conversations with your child on a daily basis is the foundation of developing a relationship with them which is open and inviting. You cannot expect to start having conversations with them about sexual activity when they’re adolescents and expect open discussion, if you haven’t built that foundation. The old birds and bees conversation cannot be “it” any longer. One interesting point was that 85% of the parents thought they had open and honest discussions about sex with their kids, while only 44% of their kids thought so. Kids need to feel free to open up without their parents ‘freaking out’. Parents need to create an environment where information can be shared - both ways.</p>
<p>And finally some advice for those conversations:</p>
<p>*plan ahead
*have the kids attention
*Listen
*don’t interrupt
*be honest
*share your own mistakes and experiences
*grant immunity when it’s necessary (in other words, don’t freak out!)
*lead by example. Model a good relationship in the way you lead your own life.</p>
<p>always, thanks for this excellent synopsis.</p>
<p>I want to add something important to advice for “those conversations.” </p>
<p>I was told that it is really important for the <em>opposite-sex</em> parent to be doing “the talk” too. The reason is that teens are in a time of pushing away from the same-sex parent (“I repudiate you and all you represent”) so a Mom’s advice to D is seen as hopelessly out of date, or dismissed because “I’m not you,” etc. However Dad can tell D how boys think, how to say no, or why to say no-- from the POV of an “insider” revealing the thinking of guys.</p>
<p>My Dad did this, funnily enough (probably because my Mom was an extreme prude.) Here’s how he got my attention. We were on a 2 hour car trip! No sooner had we gotten on the freeway, he started in on the subject of sexuality. I knew it would be a long drive and I was horribly uncomfortable-- but 30+ years later I remember the conversation perfecty so I must have been listening!</p>
<p>“I think some kids just make bad decisions, but that many kids are smart enough to know when to stop. Schools should inform students better in their “sex ed” classes, because this way, I believe that less kids will have sex.”</p>
<p>You seem to be suggesting that teens who have sex are always making a bad decision. You also said that you were “smart enough” to not have sex- are you suggesting that teens who decide to have sex are not smart enough, and not as smart as you are?</p>
<p>On another note, why are so many parents afraid of teen sexuality? The immediate answer is “AIDS! STI’s! Permanent emotional scarring!” However, many parents still say this even after a comprehensive school sex-education that covers these topics.</p>
<p>It is the adult’s responsibility to provide as much information as possible- about possible emotional effects, about protection, about STI’s, etc- so teens can make informed, solid, and wise decisions. Beyond that, a teen’s sexuality- though many wish it was otherwise- should be in the teen’s control.</p>
<p>Bumping this up to be included in the discussion of “boyfriend issues”. </p>
<p>(Thought I’d done it earlier when I posted in that thread but it appears that I hadn’t!)</p>
<p>SBMom, I admire your Dad’s technique: a captive audience in the car, you’re on the freeway so you just can’t pull on the door handle and leap out…</p>
<p>I will never forget the time I was with my Daughters in the car, several years ago, and the first viagra commercials started coming out…the youngest asked what viagra was, why men needed it, and why was everyone so worried about the 4 hour erection…she knew all the facts, etc.m but this was a new one, i guess I missed talking about the need for medication in the male gender</p>
<p>After a discussion on ED, she said she had enough information and wanted to get some french fries</p>
<p>cgm, that may be the first use of “ED” on CC in this context. ;)</p>
<p>TheDad, yes – unsubtle but effective captive audience technique.</p>
<p>I wonder how parents handle talking to teens about sex when the parents don’t agree? My husband doesn’t see anything wrong with serial monogamy (=dating) but I didn’t do that and am not sure I should tell my daughter that that’s just fine with me. She’s only 9 so so far I’ve been able to tap dance around it, but my son’s 13 and asking more morality questions. Right now I’m going with the “don’t give your favors away freely” line for both of them. Any advice?</p>